Finding myself here, numb and drained

Support for anyone experiencing a miscarriage or looking for support from others who have been there.

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Finding myself here, numb and drained

Postby Daisyhead » Tue May 22, 2012 10:09 am

Hello ladies...

First I am sorry that you are all over here as well. This is awful and I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on anyone.

My backstory -

I just turned 35. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for one year. After a few months of being unsuccessful, I started fertility acupuncture and Chinese herbs and ovulation kits/monitor. I then began fertility testing with a RE a few months back. All tests including my husbands came back good. I had an hsg in march that came back good as well. The following month is when I conceieved. I got my BFP on 5/1, my husbands birthday. It was such a surprise, we were over the moon excited. The following week I met with my midwife and had blood work done. Hcg levels came back low so I had another round. They came back low again and not doubling correctly. Was sent in for a u/s and only found the yolk and gestational sac, nothing else. Went back a week later yesterday for another u/s and no change.

I was told a week ago to prepare to miscarry but I was holding onto hope that yesterday would bring good news but in my heart I knew it was over as quickly as it began. My symptoms disappeared all together shortly after I found out and over the weekend I started spotting. I was told I could wait another week to see if I would miscarry naturally but it didn't apear things would move quickly so yesterday I took cytotec to help moves things along.

This was by far the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and I will never forget that moment of taking them and knowing what would happen once I did. I sit here numb and waiting for this to come to a close so I can move on from this experience and hopefully try for my rainbow baby soon.

In the meantime, I would love to support and be supported here by women who know what I am going through. I have been forever changed as a person, a woman.
Healing vibes to all!
Xoxo
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Postby sinkme » Tue May 22, 2012 1:54 pm

I'm so sorry for your loss. It really is hard. My first 2 pregnancies went fine and got healthy babies at the end. I never thought it would happen to me. I had a MC last month. Heard the HB at 6 weeks. Went back at almost 9 weeks- baby measured perfectly but no HB anymore. I had a D&C since it seemed like it wouldn't happen naturally.

Just wanted to say you're not alone. Thinking about you!
TTC #3 since 2/2012
:angel2: 04/12 @9 weeks
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Postby Daisyhead » Tue May 22, 2012 6:49 pm

Xoxo
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Postby nevergivingup » Wed May 23, 2012 6:27 am

I am so sorry for your loss Daisyhead.I had a mc's at 12wks i used misotoprotol to help push it out but all it brought was horrid cramps and excruciating pain for 2wks with no help of pushing the baby out,so i decided to get a(D&C) and the second mc at 3-4wks natural no medicine to help push it out, which i am currently going thru and hopefully i pray is coming to an end. So i understand how you feel but just dont give up, bc u never know if the 2nd time will be your time, u just got to stay positive bc its going to happen, and if it makes u feel any better bc i know ur going to want to try ASAP after this m/c end it is really easy to get prego again right after the m/c at least it was for me, ive gotten prego 5-6wks right after the bleeding has stopped in my 1st m/c. But dont worry you have support here and sometimes its ok to cry, bc i know i did bc we did lose a part of us.
:praying: for u
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Me (26) DH (31) :love:
M/C 02/27/2012 @ 12 wks :angel2:
M/C 05/04/12 @ 5wks :angel2:
M/C 08/10/12 @ 7wks :angel2:

Finally God has given us a baby; Baby Tyler born 02/26/2013. Mommy n Daddy never been more in love Thanking only God
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Postby Daisyhead » Wed May 23, 2012 11:17 am

Thank you for that!
Today has been the worst of the three days. I almost went to work but I am glad I decided not too. I just knew I hadnt passed anything yet as I had seen little blood and clots. Sorry tmi.
I started. Cramping so bad I couldn't stand up straight, then I was dry heaving and crying and the bleeding picked up. From there I have been passing things so I am hoping this is the beginning of the end so I can move on.

I hope for the both of us that this ends quickly. We heal mentally and physically and then we find ourselves back on the Prego boards together! :D
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Postby oktober84 » Wed May 23, 2012 2:35 pm

Our angel grew wing at 8 weeks but we didn't find out till 11weeks that was last week. I passed our baby in Friday. It heart breaking I can't even think about the excitement if summer because I should have been showing by then. But we are ttcing again I an still lightly bleeding but my opks are in the mail. We k now we are meant to have 2 babies so why wait we know we are trying so here goes the wait fir o to happen :)
ME-30
DD-5
DS-18 months

:angel: May 2008
Surprise BFP July 25th 2008!!
Haley Gianna Mikaela was born March 19 2009 5lbs 15oz.
TTC#2
:angel: Chemical December 2011
BFP march 2012 @ 10 DPO
:angel: Missed miscarriage May 2012 @ 11 weeks.
BFP AUGUST 2012 @ 8 DPO stick baby stick...

Lucas Brian Alexander born April 11 2013 6lbs 6oz

BABY#3

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Postby nevergivingup » Wed May 23, 2012 7:56 pm

Sorry for your loss oktober81, its an awful feeling, and i hopeyou cope ok. I do have a question tho, being that you're bleeding lightly are yoy BD during the light bleeding?
Your so welcome Daisyhead I totally know how you feel, the pain is quite unbearable and the cytotec really makes the pain worse well at least from my understanding. And no one around you will understand that physical pain unless they have been through it. My pain lasted 3wks btwn medicine and D&C and my DH got so impatient with me he began being a bit mean, but he didnt understand how i was feeling until he found me broke down crying in the shower and from then on he has been soo helpful even with this m/c. I was 12wks and i knew i wasnt going anywhere so i stayed home for those 4wks bc i wasnt physically or mentally ready to face the world and show them my, "hey im fine" face. but like i said we're all here for each other ladies. As sad as it is at least we have someone going through similiar situations. So make sure we keep each other posted on our progress or if you just need to vent.

we'll def be on the prego boards soon, waitn is the hard part
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Me (26) DH (31) :love:
M/C 02/27/2012 @ 12 wks :angel2:
M/C 05/04/12 @ 5wks :angel2:
M/C 08/10/12 @ 7wks :angel2:

Finally God has given us a baby; Baby Tyler born 02/26/2013. Mommy n Daddy never been more in love Thanking only God
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Postby Daisyhead » Thu May 24, 2012 9:50 am

Today was my first day back to work and all I really want to do is crawl in a hole and hide. Maybe 3 days wasn't enough time. I feel my self wanting to isolate and ignore people. I have been avoiding phone calls from friends as well. I am not sure where this is all coming from. I am not sure if I feel some sort of shame or embarassment or what.

One minute I thinking I am coping OK and the next I am a crying mess. I question really when will I be abel to move forward and feel comfortable trying again without feeling guilty.

Feeling lots of cramping today and a heavier flow which is just a constant reminder every time I go to the bathroom. And everywhere I turn there is a baby or a pregnant woman, either on TV or in the car next to me or in the grocery line. I can hardly stand it.

Did a little reading on the subjext last night and I know I am perfetly normal for how I am feeling. We all are. The only variable that scares me is for how long this could go on....

lot's of hugs to you all today
Me 35 ~ DH 34
Totally in love with our 9mo rescue doggie
TTC #1 for 12 months (unexplained Infertility)
BFP au naturale 5.1.12
MC 5.21.12 @ 7 weeks
Waiting on a miracle
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Postby nevergivingup » Thu May 24, 2012 11:31 am

Hi ladies, Daisyhead im sorry today wasnt a good day for u yet. But dont worry its totally ok to withdraw from people, you're just not ready. I was the same way with my first m/c, bc everyone knew that i was prego and for me have to go back out in the world and instead of telling people when im due i had to explain to them ab the m/c. I felt like a failure, here i am 24 years old and cant carry a baby full term but i did everything i could do at the end it wasnt left up tp me that was a decision my father made and i am not mad ab it at all. On top of that i was the 5th lady in my church along with my BFF to be pregnant so all of us was excited,we had our own litttle prego club but unfortunately i struck out early and going to church from then on was a bit depressing bc they didnt stop being happy which i didnt want them too but my BFF callled me everyday after my m/c and talked ab her little bean over and over until i couldnt take it and just ignored her phone calls, I think she got the message bc she didnt talk ab her little as much when i decided to answer the phone. But now im totally fine,im happy for everyone, i went to 3 babyshowers since my m/c and i know ive grown bc i dont get sad or down anymore i think i get more excited than them. Its a process ma'am but u will get there and trust me its not going to happen over night or not even in a wk or month but u wil get there. Ur going to be sooo happy when this m/c is over and u can try again, dont worry it may seem like one day in this m/c is forever but its not.

p.s. I decided to walk ar with my eyes close now bc everyone and their grandma is pregnant. I went to my Ob doctor appt today and guess what all i saw.......PREGNANT WOMEN IN ALL Belly sizes. and there i was trying to get through a m/c. But its ok ma'am we'll get through it together. Head up but its ok to cry sometimes too :D

:praying: for u
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Me (26) DH (31) :love:
M/C 02/27/2012 @ 12 wks :angel2:
M/C 05/04/12 @ 5wks :angel2:
M/C 08/10/12 @ 7wks :angel2:

Finally God has given us a baby; Baby Tyler born 02/26/2013. Mommy n Daddy never been more in love Thanking only God
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Postby Daisyhead » Thu May 24, 2012 6:10 pm

Thanks nevergivingup...
I'd hug you if I could :jump: :D
Our rainbows are out there. Thanks for your kind words
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Postby nevergivingup » Thu May 24, 2012 7:21 pm

:D Ur sooo totally welcome ma'am!! Ur right we'll def get our rainbows if we never give up searching for them! And Thank you for being xtra sweet and venting...yell it girl if u have too whatever makes u feel better :D Hope your day is better tommorrow.
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Me (26) DH (31) :love:
M/C 02/27/2012 @ 12 wks :angel2:
M/C 05/04/12 @ 5wks :angel2:
M/C 08/10/12 @ 7wks :angel2:

Finally God has given us a baby; Baby Tyler born 02/26/2013. Mommy n Daddy never been more in love Thanking only God
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Postby nevergivingup » Thu May 31, 2012 5:58 am

Hi Daisyhead just wanted to check in on you and see how you're doing?
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Me (26) DH (31) :love:
M/C 02/27/2012 @ 12 wks :angel2:
M/C 05/04/12 @ 5wks :angel2:
M/C 08/10/12 @ 7wks :angel2:

Finally God has given us a baby; Baby Tyler born 02/26/2013. Mommy n Daddy never been more in love Thanking only God
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Postby Daisyhead » Thu May 31, 2012 7:06 pm

Aww so sweet. I'm doing ok I guess. Everyday gets a little easier but I still have my moments. I'm really missing being pregnant. I'm scared to try again and scared not too. Wondering if I should try again right away or wait. So many questions and concerns.
Had blood taken today to check my hcg levels. Hopefully I'm back to normal.

How are you doing??
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Postby nevergivingup » Fri Jun 01, 2012 4:41 am

Well im glad you're doing alittle better than last time and yes it is a process. I broke down and cried yesterday, something i havent done in a long time.

Im hoping your hcg is 0 now. Mine went down to 0 in 2wks. I can totally understand ab scared to try. I was too, but i figured i wouldnt know unless i tried and now i know. I know its so confusing and controversial, but whatever you choose someone else has gone through it too, so u wont be alone.

How is your bleeding progressing so far? For me AF came this Tues(YAYY) so it's CD4 for me. My OB is going to run test on me this month to see y im having recurrent mc. I totally know how it feel to want to be prego again. I'd love that feeling,but those mc will hover over each pregnancy for me and i dont think i will be able to enjoy one day for fear of mc again. But of course we have to stay strong....right..easier said than done.
:roll:
Well i hope u feel better and let me know whats your levels. We're here for each other, dont worry
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Me (26) DH (31) :love:
M/C 02/27/2012 @ 12 wks :angel2:
M/C 05/04/12 @ 5wks :angel2:
M/C 08/10/12 @ 7wks :angel2:

Finally God has given us a baby; Baby Tyler born 02/26/2013. Mommy n Daddy never been more in love Thanking only God
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