Grey

Support for anyone experiencing a miscarriage or looking for support from others who have been there.

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Grey

Postby B Michaelson » Sun Oct 20, 2013 4:40 am

It's now Sunday morning and I lost my baby and my tube on Wednesday. I am feeling much better physically but not 100% yet. I have been able to be pretty positive so far but started feeling a little off yesterday. I don't know how to explain it other than grey. You know that feeling you get when you know it's going to rain, the sun hides, it gets a little chilly and everything goes shadowy and grey?

I know I haven't really grieved yet, but I am not sure this is that. I don't know if it's the start of it or if I am feeling this because all my hormones are changing again, and quickly. I still can't really cry, I just feel kind of stuck in limbo between ok and sad.

Not liking this grey feeling at all.
Me - 36
Hashimotos, JHS/EDS, ANA negative, 1 Fallopian tube
DH - 41
TTC #1 Aug 2012 - May 2014
DS - Born Jan 2015
TTC #2 since Aug 2016
May 2017 :bfp:

:angel: Our Angels :angel:
2004 - 7.5 weeks
Oct 2013 - 6w6d ruptured ectopic
Jan 2014 - Chemical

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Re: Grey

Postby Missmycolton » Sun Oct 20, 2013 9:49 am

I'm so sorry for your loss. I completely understand what you are going through. It really sucks to get your hopes up then have it torn down. My days are grey as well. I had a mmc last dec at 10 weeks then pregnant with my rainbow after 2 cycles and lost my precious son at 30 weeks late aug.

Hang in there! We all deserve our rainbow baby. Im thinking of you and what you are going through is normal. Keep reaching out and talking about your feelings, it's a great release and you need the support right now. Take care.
Mmc at 10 weeks Dec '12
Baby boy born asleep at 30 weeks Aug '13
(Due to a cord accident)
Hoping for a rainbow baby.
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Re: Grey

Postby B Michaelson » Sun Oct 20, 2013 10:03 am

Aww I am so sorry for your losses Missmycolton. I can't fathom losing a baby at such a late stage.

Thank you for your support. I think I amjust frustrated because I thought talking about it and being open would help and be the best thing. I wanted others to know how I was feeling so they wouldn't have to feel awkward around me. Now I feel like they are trying to tell me I amtalking about it too much and they just don't want to hear anymore.

But I don't feel over it and I don't want to. I don't feel like I have even started to accept it. I want to grieve for this baby and not turn numb like I am used to doing. I want to feel the pain of the loss. It's better than feeling nothing.

Maybe I should just stick to talking to people on here because there are very few people around me (in person) who can understand. I don't want sympathy I just want people to listen, because they care, not because they feel they have to.

I just wanted some company while I grieved.

Thanks for being here :)
Last edited by B Michaelson on Wed Oct 23, 2013 10:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Me - 36
Hashimotos, JHS/EDS, ANA negative, 1 Fallopian tube
DH - 41
TTC #1 Aug 2012 - May 2014
DS - Born Jan 2015
TTC #2 since Aug 2016
May 2017 :bfp:

:angel: Our Angels :angel:
2004 - 7.5 weeks
Oct 2013 - 6w6d ruptured ectopic
Jan 2014 - Chemical

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Re: Grey

Postby Missmycolton » Sun Oct 20, 2013 2:23 pm

No problem! It's easier to talk to women who have gone through the same. Since I had a stillbirth, I still can't talk to many friends/family (just close ones) I feel like no one understands the raw emotions and heartache that I'm dealing with. People think because you never met the baby that you should just move on. I say that's b.s. We had hopes and dreams for that baby the moment we see bfp. We think about that baby day and night and imagine our whole life taking care of that baby. It's just not fair :( don't worry about feeling bad right now, it's all part of grieving and becoming healthier mentally and emotionally for the future. Xo

There are plenty of sites out there like this with plenty of support...I hope you have found a few that you like! Cara
Mmc at 10 weeks Dec '12
Baby boy born asleep at 30 weeks Aug '13
(Due to a cord accident)
Hoping for a rainbow baby.
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Re: Grey

Postby Missmycolton » Sun Oct 20, 2013 2:28 pm

I just noticed that you are hypothyroid too, so am I! Pain in the ***! Lol
You're not alone ;)
Mmc at 10 weeks Dec '12
Baby boy born asleep at 30 weeks Aug '13
(Due to a cord accident)
Hoping for a rainbow baby.
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Re: Grey

Postby B Michaelson » Sun Oct 20, 2013 2:40 pm

Thanks Cara. I agree with you completely. I think you had a lot of time to bond with your baby and you carried it inside you for months. How can you just get over that?

I feel like 7 weeks was not long enough to bond but you made a good point. We don't just grieve the loss of the person growing inside, it's the loss of the life we planned that came with it, and also for me, my damn tube.

My husband is very kind but he keeps telling me not to dwell on it. That makes me more upset in a way because there is nothing wrong with me taking time to think about it and grieve. I think he just doesn't want to see me upset and his way of dealing is denial. I can't do that.

People don't get it unless they have been there too. What many people don't realize as well is that, we are mothers, we just no longer have our babies. And it doesn't matter if we never held them in our arms. We carried them in our bodies and you don't get any closer than that.

I am looking forward to tomorrow when I get to go back to the hospital and talk to someone. I don't know if I will feel any better for it, but at least I will feel like I am taking some steps toward healing.

I didn't think it would hit me this hard, but today has been difficult. I am thankful so many people here understand. My mind keeps telling me I am overreacting for only being 7 weeks, but my heart knows better.
Me - 36
Hashimotos, JHS/EDS, ANA negative, 1 Fallopian tube
DH - 41
TTC #1 Aug 2012 - May 2014
DS - Born Jan 2015
TTC #2 since Aug 2016
May 2017 :bfp:

:angel: Our Angels :angel:
2004 - 7.5 weeks
Oct 2013 - 6w6d ruptured ectopic
Jan 2014 - Chemical

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Re: Grey

Postby B Michaelson » Sun Oct 20, 2013 2:44 pm

Ya this thyroid thing is stupid lol. I have had so many drs put me on and take me off of meds since I was a teenager. As soon as I mentioned TTC to my current dr, she tested me and I have been on meds ever since. I really love that she listens to me and is so kind. I can't say I have noticed a difference with the meds though. My moods have stabalized but it could also be the low dose cipralex I am on. I still freeze my butt off all the time lol.
Me - 36
Hashimotos, JHS/EDS, ANA negative, 1 Fallopian tube
DH - 41
TTC #1 Aug 2012 - May 2014
DS - Born Jan 2015
TTC #2 since Aug 2016
May 2017 :bfp:

:angel: Our Angels :angel:
2004 - 7.5 weeks
Oct 2013 - 6w6d ruptured ectopic
Jan 2014 - Chemical

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Re: Grey

Postby Missmycolton » Sun Oct 20, 2013 3:47 pm

Take your time and grieve, there's no timeline. You need to feel better inside and out! I'm sorry that you lost your tube, that would be a scary experience. Good thing is that you shouldn't have a problem in the future (hearing other stories).

My fiancé and half of me wants to try again soon. I'm 34 and just spent the last year pregnant so I feel like time might not be on my side if I wait too long...plus the fact that you never know what could happen. Scares the crap out of me tho :(

Again, I'm glad you are seeking support. I promise you that you will feel better eventually. You will forever be a different person because of these things. I find that I look at life differently and I will definitely be a different parent after all of this. Life is too short! Cara
Mmc at 10 weeks Dec '12
Baby boy born asleep at 30 weeks Aug '13
(Due to a cord accident)
Hoping for a rainbow baby.
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Re: Grey

Postby B Michaelson » Sun Oct 20, 2013 4:19 pm

The years go by so quickly I feel the clock ticking too. I spent a lot of my life waiting already, so I feel a bit of urgency. I can understand why you are scared. My life has changed so much over the last few years with all of this.

I have dealt with some pretty crappy situations in life and with most of them I was not lucky enough to have the support I have now. I think maybe this is what has made it much less painful for me. I don't expect to get through this without some dark days like today, but I know I am so much stronger than I used to be. I hope that I am able to be a better person for it :)

If nothing else, I hope I can at least help support others who end up in the same situation. I know how much it has meant to me to have that.

I think I am starting to feel out of the fog for today and I hope I don't have too many of these days. I have been doing pretty well considering. I think it just sets me back a bit when people talk to me like I shouldn't be upset. This place really helps though.

Thanks for keeping me company today :)
Last edited by B Michaelson on Mon Oct 21, 2013 5:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Me - 36
Hashimotos, JHS/EDS, ANA negative, 1 Fallopian tube
DH - 41
TTC #1 Aug 2012 - May 2014
DS - Born Jan 2015
TTC #2 since Aug 2016
May 2017 :bfp:

:angel: Our Angels :angel:
2004 - 7.5 weeks
Oct 2013 - 6w6d ruptured ectopic
Jan 2014 - Chemical

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Re: Grey

Postby B Michaelson » Sun Oct 20, 2013 11:20 pm

I just need to talk this out.

I don't know what I am feeling and that worries me. I don't like not being in control of my emotions.

I read about grief and found a picture that might help me figure it out.

image.jpg
image.jpg (52.82 KiB) Viewed 2058 times


I realized that now that my focus is no longer on my body I have had to move out of the denial stage. I know I have had moments of anger and depression since last night and I think a few times today, bargaining. I keep rolling around on this ribbon of grief.

I think I might be back to anger right now. I feel stupid. I am cross with myself.

Whether this is logical or not, here is what is going through my head:
- It was only 7 weeks. You didn't believe it was real from the start so you should not be upset.
- Others have tried longer than you and have never gotten a bfp so you should be thankful you got one in the the first place instead of sitting here being upset. At least you can get pg.
- This is probably your fault. Even though you quit smoking a while ago, chances are this is why your tube was messed up, so you brought this on yourself.
- You should stop talking because now you just sound stupid. Nobody really wants to hear this and people are tired of you. You say stupid things and its embarrasing. Get over it already or at least be quiet about it.
- If this is how you handle sadness you are probably not fit to be a good mother anyways.

Then I start feeling depressed but I am still angry because I think I am feeling sorry for myself and self pity is horrible. This leads me to self destruction, which I am so very good at, and again fuels the self pity. Ugh. I loathe the self pity.

Then I think if I just talk it out I might feel better. So I try and be realistic and logical and I write things down and ask questions.

Then I start to feel like I am justifying narcissism or calling for attention and I feel stupid again...

I really feel like I just need to move onto acceptance. I know I will but, god, this back and forth is so insane. I really don't like myself when I get like this.

I assume some of this is normal and some of this is my messed up thought process. I am confused because I don't know why this is so hard for me. I was expecting to have a cry, say my goodbyes and be done, but I feel like I am going in circles.

I hope tomorrow helps. The hospital asked me to come back in and meet with the social worker to discuss the early loss memorial and grief program. I didn't think I needed them yesterday when they phoned, but I thought I should go anyways. I guess I was wrong and I need the help.

I feel like I should be apologizing to everyone here lol. Many of you are so much stronger than me and I am very lucky to have received your support, so thank you.

Anyways, I really don't want sympathy and if I AM actually crazy please just Ignore me. I will probably try and stay off the forum until I get myself figured out.

Thanks for letting me blahhh all over this post. If you have ever, or currently feel the same, feel free to blahhh here too.

K I'm done.
Me - 36
Hashimotos, JHS/EDS, ANA negative, 1 Fallopian tube
DH - 41
TTC #1 Aug 2012 - May 2014
DS - Born Jan 2015
TTC #2 since Aug 2016
May 2017 :bfp:

:angel: Our Angels :angel:
2004 - 7.5 weeks
Oct 2013 - 6w6d ruptured ectopic
Jan 2014 - Chemical

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Re: Grey

Postby radkitten » Mon Oct 21, 2013 6:26 am

I know how you feel. I am still having issues letting go. I should have been 28 weeks this weekend and that is all I think about alot of the time. I got so depressed I actually did an outpatient psych program for 2 weeks because I was having passive suicidal thoughts. Others really don't get it, but the pain is real. I think there is also an added pain when we lose a part of our reproductive system we have to work through as well.
Me (31) - Homozygous MTHFR A1298C, Endometriosis, Left Fallopian Tube removed
DH (33) - Normal
Married - 09/09/09

First ever :bfp: 5/6/13
5-17-13 - D&C and ectopic pregnancy removal at 5w5d. Lost left fallopian tube. Right ovarian cyst removed.

Aug 2013 - 1st clomid cycle (50mg CD3-7). 5 follies, missed ovulation, timed intercourse. BFN
Nov 2013 - Jan 2014 - Follicles all on the left.
Feb 2014 - 5mg Femara CD3-7 - Cyst on left ovary, 18mm follie right ovary! Trigger 2/20, IUI 2/22 BFN
October 2014 - IVF #1. Retrieval October 22nd?


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Re: Grey

Postby B Michaelson » Mon Oct 21, 2013 3:03 pm

I am so glad you understand. Nobody around me does.

I went in for an outpatient meeting today. They were supposed to see me after surgery but I got discharged first. They offered more sessions if I want them. I struggled with depression before and I am petrified of going back down that road.

A few people around me kept brushing it off but I just wanted to tell someone how I felt without being dismissed. It's not like there are a lot of people who know what happened. I wasn't seeing a lot of posts where people talked about how hard the sadness was to handle so I figured people can know I am hurting and if they are too, they are not alone. But then I started to wonder if I was just going crazy lol.

I agree that there is more pain with the loss of part of our bodies. My sister talks about feeling broken. I thinks its not the same but something similar. Our bodies went through trauma, not just our minds.

I think about you a lot Rad. I often wonder how you healed, if you felt the same way and if all this is normal. I am thankful you keep sharing with me. I wish you had someone there for you when this happened. I think thats been the hardest part. Families are great but they often just don't quite understand.
Me - 36
Hashimotos, JHS/EDS, ANA negative, 1 Fallopian tube
DH - 41
TTC #1 Aug 2012 - May 2014
DS - Born Jan 2015
TTC #2 since Aug 2016
May 2017 :bfp:

:angel: Our Angels :angel:
2004 - 7.5 weeks
Oct 2013 - 6w6d ruptured ectopic
Jan 2014 - Chemical

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Re: Grey

Postby radkitten » Tue Oct 22, 2013 11:03 am

I am so sure what you are feeling is normal. It is SO HARD to deal with. Especially since it's such a small minority that experience an ectopic, and the losses are so early, so alot of people don't understand why it is so traumatizing. I always make sure to remind them that part of it is just the simple fact that I could have died. Ectopics are life threatening and not something to take lightly and I don't think alot of people understand that. It's hard for me to even wrap my mind around it because I felt okay. Well, I felt pregnant, but okay.

Thats why I stick around though, to try and be supportive in both the IF threads and now the ectopic threads. So other women know they aren't alone. That not all of us can afford treatments or get a take home baby, and the emotions around all of it are real and we all have felt them.
Me (31) - Homozygous MTHFR A1298C, Endometriosis, Left Fallopian Tube removed
DH (33) - Normal
Married - 09/09/09

First ever :bfp: 5/6/13
5-17-13 - D&C and ectopic pregnancy removal at 5w5d. Lost left fallopian tube. Right ovarian cyst removed.

Aug 2013 - 1st clomid cycle (50mg CD3-7). 5 follies, missed ovulation, timed intercourse. BFN
Nov 2013 - Jan 2014 - Follicles all on the left.
Feb 2014 - 5mg Femara CD3-7 - Cyst on left ovary, 18mm follie right ovary! Trigger 2/20, IUI 2/22 BFN
October 2014 - IVF #1. Retrieval October 22nd?


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Re: Grey

Postby B Michaelson » Tue Oct 22, 2013 12:12 pm

It is much harder than I imagined. I felt totally fine up to the morning of the rupture. No spotting, a tiny cramping/muscle soreness here and there if I did yoga. I had a very short meltdown when I saw the blood the first time but pulled it together so we could get to the hospital. I was pretty composed throughout the whole thing. It wasn't until the other day when it really started to hit me.

I still have a hard time believing my life was in danger too, even though I know it was. The lab told me I bumped everyone else in the hospital for my blood draw and I bumped all the ultrasound appts, so I knew there was urgency. As soon as the ultrasound was done I knew there was no hope though. They told me to sit down and immediately ring the bell if I felt faint. My shoulder started to hurt then so I knew I was full of blood. It was surreal because all my previous pain was almost gone by that point and the dr said I should have been in agony yet I felt nothing really.

Looking back, it was a lot more traumatic for me than I realized. I see bits and pieces of it in slow motion and I feel like it was all just a dream. I think had it been some routine medical procedure it would have been a completely different experience. I wonder too what I would have felt if it was a miscarriage instead. Would I feel as strange? The loss is traumatizing but adding the surgery and loss of a tube in there just makes it so surreal. I wonder too if my baby would have survived had it made it all the way to my uterus. I think it is important for people to have this support. It helps me to know what I am feeling is normal.

It just kills me that IF treatments are so expensive. I know DH and I could save up and max out for a treatment if we ever needed one. We have a decent income but it would still be a challenge. We discussed it today and decided to start putting money aside just in case it ever came to that. But I don't know how so many people do it. I can see how it either brings couples infinitely closer or rips them apart. So much is sacrificed and sometimes you don't gain anything in the end but a lot of weight, debt and emotional baggage. It's heart breaking and it changes your whole world.
Me - 36
Hashimotos, JHS/EDS, ANA negative, 1 Fallopian tube
DH - 41
TTC #1 Aug 2012 - May 2014
DS - Born Jan 2015
TTC #2 since Aug 2016
May 2017 :bfp:

:angel: Our Angels :angel:
2004 - 7.5 weeks
Oct 2013 - 6w6d ruptured ectopic
Jan 2014 - Chemical

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Re: Grey

Postby mgresham21 » Tue Oct 22, 2013 12:39 pm

B- that's been my biggest feeling in mine. Wondering if he or she would have made it. And wondering who they would be and what my life would have been like with 3 under 3.
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Marie-26-
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http://www.mythirtyone.com/mgresham

Justin-26- electrician
Dd-Bethany-3- wild child
Dd-Bailey-2- sensitive sister
I have two angels, one would be 7 in jan and one would be 2 in feb.
Diagnosed with pcos 9 years ago, treated surgically. I have had two ectopics with one tube removal.
Been ntnp for over two years no success now actively ttc#3
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