I don't like this...

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I don't like this...

Postby klcarroll » Fri Oct 10, 2014 9:08 pm

So, I really hate to be posting in this section of the boards, considering it felt like I was just posting in the pregnancy section. And now knowing that I'm on this instead makes it worse for me. I just recently had a m/c at about 4.5wks or so. I had a rollercoaster of emotions because before my doc & I were gonna do any intervention to help it out, (like a pill or d&c) she wanted to make sure 100% that it was afterall gone, because I hadn't really bled that much and nothing had passed through yet. So she ordered another hcg test and another u/s. Ugh. Before, my hcg had only gone down by 60 points, and when I went to see the doc she sounded optimistic about the whole thing. When I had my first u/s the tech told me that it wasn't a viable pregnancy so I was well prepared going into the doc's office that it wasn't there. So now I was back on this roller coaster of emotions of is it there or isn't it?? I didn't want to get my hopes up because I just had this feeling, this terrible, horrible, no good sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that it just wasn't right. So I come home after the doc's office, ready to get yet another u/s in 2 days time. My doc appt was on Monday, I was supposed to have a follow up u/s on Wed. Again might I add I have hardly any bleeding and hardly any cramping. All day Tuesday was fine, but Tues night rolls around, and I start to not feel so good. Just like light period cramps, definitely nothing like the first m/c I had before I had my daughter (blighted ovum). Around 1130 Tues night, I passed it. A little smaller than a tadpole. I just stood there in disbelief, just shocked that it actually happened at all. The first thing I said to it was I'm sorry. I felt like part of this was all my fault, and that I couldn't save it, made me feel even worse. I know that these things just happen, and you can't control them, but it has been 3 days and I am still struggling with this. This was my baby...was all I kept thinking as I'm sitting over the toilet bowl crying...And everyone keeps saying that I'm stronger than I think and it could always be worse and things happen for a reason. I am soooo sick and tired of hearing all of that because yes I understand all of that, I really do but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt any less...I just don't know what to do anymore, I know I have to be strong for my daughter and be happy, but there's only so much I can do before I just break down...I am just so exhausted from trying to be stronger than I feel.
Just thought I'd post in here and get some support from anyone else who might be going as crazy as I am...
Thanks for reading my novel.
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Re: I don't like this...

Postby Peppercat » Tue Oct 14, 2014 6:45 pm

I am so sorry for your loss. This is not an easy thing to go through and time will help. I had similar feelings when I lost my pregnancy around 5weeks. It was still so new to us and then it was ripped away. Being in limbo is the worst since your emotions are all over the place. I hope that you begin to feel better.
Me: 27
DH: 30
Married: July 2011
TTC #1 since September 2013
BFP 8/15/14, MC 8/25/14 @ 5 weeks
BFP 11/22/14 @10 dpo

HCG @ 12 dpo: 205
HCG @ 14 dpo: 485

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Re: I don't like this...

Postby Stardancer8764 » Thu Oct 16, 2014 8:17 pm

I am very sorry. A loss is hard.

People don't know what to say. So, I just said thank you. They mean well. But the comments are not helpful.

I have some great books that helped me I can recommend if you would like,

Hang in there. You didn't do anything wrong, guilt is part of grieving. You will move through the motions and it will be a process. Be kind to yourself. You're healing.

:hugs:
Myself: 32
DH: 35
Married: 10/18/08
DD: Baby#1 :future baby girl: 04.26.13 :bfp: 08/12/12 :hb: 169bpm 9/10/12
:angel: Baby #2 due 1/15/15 :hb: 140bpm - 06/28/14 missed m/c and D&C at 11 weeks.
DS: Baby #3 :future baby boy: 08.11.15 :bfp: 11/23/14 :hb: 165bmp 12/23/14
:angel: Baby #4 :bfp: 10/18/17 CP 10/24/17
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Re: I don't like this...

Postby klcarroll » Wed Oct 22, 2014 7:43 pm

Thank you ladies. Your comments definitely helped, and I am slowly but surely starting to feel better about it all. I think my body is returning to normal as I believe that I am ovulating again but I'm going to wait 1 full cycle before we think about trying again. I am definitely not where I was emotionally a couple weeks ago, but like you said, going through the motions. I still have a 2 yr old to think about who still needs her mommy.
I am also very sorry for your losses as well, and now I know all too well about it. Now it's just waiting for my body to fully get back to normal again.
Things are slowly getting better for me, and I will always have a place in my heart for the ones lost :angel:
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Re: I don't like this...

Postby tryingnumber3 » Fri Oct 24, 2014 1:33 pm

I am glad you are doing better, and sorry for your loss. I just lost my baby at 5.5 weeks and had an awful weekend. I have to remain strong for my daughters too.
Me: Jessica 26
DH: 27
DD1: 8
DD2: 5
DD3: 7/21/15 :babyg:
baby #4 due 6/20/17

:angel: 10/19/14, 6 weeks

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Re: I don't like this...

Postby klcarroll » Thu Nov 06, 2014 8:45 am

Well I just got af yesterday, so now I know my body is back to normal. Still kind of sad for me but all I can do now is move on and just hope that I have better luck next time.
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Re: I don't like this...

Postby kesney05 » Sat Nov 08, 2014 1:39 pm

I'm having a miscarriage right now. It started this morning. This is my first. I'm nearly 5 weeks and Im going through the same roller coster you are going through. I found out I was pregnant last Friday and my tests were not progressing through out the week. I had this gut feeling something was wrong. I got up this morning, went to the bathroom and noticed the blood in my underware and in the toilet. I went to the living room to find my husband and told him the news. He was pretty bummed but stayed strong for me. I called my midwife what's going on and she wants to do blood work on Monday. I took another test this morning and it was complete negative. It's defenitly over. The emotions are overwhelming but I know deep down it wasn't meant to be. heaven gained an angel baby.
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Re: I don't like this...

Postby klcarroll » Sat Nov 08, 2014 11:32 pm

So sorry about your loss, trust me I know it is hard. I had that same gut feeling you did, but I just didn't want to believe it at first. I think it's a mother's instinct, when you just feel it deep down. You may not have your child yet but you're definitely a mother :) The ride from here on out will be hard, devastating, and then a little easier. Your next af will be bad, painful, and heavy. At least mine was. Just letting you know what to expect in case they forget to tell you.
Mine happened almost a month ago and I still can't believe I was pregnant and now I'm not. I think that's the hardest part for me to get through. But thanks to the rest of these ladies here I got through it ok :) Let me know if there's anything you need.
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