Finding it really hard to bounce back

Support for anyone experiencing a miscarriage or looking for support from others who have been there.

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Finding it really hard to bounce back

Postby Libellule » Fri Jun 05, 2015 2:47 pm

Hi all,

I just had my second miscarriage. I was 8 weeks 4 days, the u/s showed the baby didn't develop beyond 6 weeks, no heartbeat. I had my D and C a few days ago on Monday. My previous miscarriage was in Feb and I was almost 5 weeks.

The first one was hard, a shock. The second, has been SO hard. Somehow I'm back at work, distraction makes me temporarily forget. But the horrible cramping and bleeding is a painful reminder. I go back and forth from being rageful and angry, to being sad. Now I just feel like someone reached in and ripped out a piece of my soul. I go home at night and I cry for hours. I cry myself to sleep. When I wake up my face is puffy. Most of the time people must think I'm normal because I hide things well. But it resurfaces when I'm alone. My close friends and family know about it. And yet, I'm on an island all my myself. I feel SO alone in this.

I have never felt a pain so deep, so profound, that has rocked me to the core. I'm Christian and I go back and forth from being angry with God to feeling helpless.

I want to get pregnant again, at the same time I'm terrified. I just found out I'm positive for thyroid peroxidase antibodies and so now I take synthroid. I'm getting more testing from the REI. I wont' even be able to try again until july or august probably. I'm just feeling so discouraged. I'm 33, will be 34 this year and I feel like my time is slipping. I'm so terrified of this happening again, so terrified of losing the baby even later in pregnancy. I never thought I would be facing this.

I don't even feel like I will ever be able to enjoy pregnancy in the future. Even IF i survive the first trimester, i won't enjoy any of it, or the rest of it. I don't even feel like I would want to tell people, or have a baby shower. I don't want any of it. It's anger and apprehension, and anxiety. I feel so robbed, and I feel like I could so easily be robbed again.

I don't know why I'm writing this, I just wanted to vent. There is not enough discussion about this in the real world, only the virtual world. I read a lot of stories from women who go through this. Some of them resonate with me. Some of them anger me. Especially the ones that don't seem to even end in success. I just think it would help if people did talk openly about this, it would help to make me feel so less alone. I know it's more common than people think. I hate feeling like I have this terrible secret inside that people don't even know about and I somehow wish they did - wish that people could cut me a break and somehow not say stupid things like, "Come on, where's that smile today?"
Libellule
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Re: Finding it really hard to bounce back

Postby mylammie04 » Fri Jun 05, 2015 2:57 pm

Hi Libellule,

I am so sorry for your two losses *hugs*

This is a great place to vent and just talk about how you are feeling. It's such a hard thing to go through and it's even harder to go through it when you feel alone. Just know that this is a place where you won't have to feel alone and know that you can talk openly about it.

I can understand how your next pregnancy can cause a lot of apprehension. It's bound to given what you've already gone through.

This is a safe place to just talk about things and know that you won't be told to "just relax" or "don't worry, it'll happen."
Me: 34
DH: 34
TTC #1 since 01/14
Dx PCOS: 09/14
1st MC: 08/01/14 :angel:
2nd MC: 04/14/15 :angel:
3rd MC: 07/17/17 :angel:

RAINBOW BABY
02/14/16 :babyb:

TTC #2
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Re: Finding it really hard to bounce back

Postby An0514 » Sat Jun 06, 2015 4:18 am

I am so sorry for your losses. I agree that I wish people talked more about early pregnancy losses because I didn't realize how common it was until I had one and then others reached out to me. I get both sides of it, because some people are very private about these matters, but this is nothing to be ashamed of. And maybe if people realized how common it was there wouldn't be an ignorant assumption that it's someone's fault this is happening.

So try to hang in there and trust your RE to find the best solution for your next pregnancy. Take it day by day and be sad when you feel like it and mad when you feel like it. Best wishes for a healthy pregnancy not too far in the future. xo
ME: 29, DH: 29
TTC #1 since May 2014
BFP 2/14/15 (Femara), m/c 3/12/15
CP 8/2015 (Femara)
5 failed IUIs with Femara and Follistim
IVF starting May 2016!
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Re: Finding it really hard to bounce back

Postby amypy78 » Sat Jun 06, 2015 8:45 pm

I just miscarried on June 3rd and had my D&C that evening. I was 8 weeks and 2 days. My baby stopped growing at 6 weeks and there was no longer a heartbeat. We conceived by IUI. I am 36 yrs old and I can totally relate to the time crunch. This is by far the worst thing I have ever been through. I am returning to work on Monday. I am a nurse in Labor and Delivery, and I ordinarily love it, but I have no idea how I am going to handle it. I am also crying for hours, and having a hard time functioning.
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Re: Finding it really hard to bounce back

Postby Libellule » Sun Jun 07, 2015 3:48 pm

@mylammie04 - thank you for your kind words. It is very validating to me to read them. It is nice to have a forum to speak about these issues. I am also sorry for your losses. I hope that you will have success soon, are you trying again already?

@An0514 - Thank you, and I'm so sorry for your loss as well. I do think it would be nice to have more awareness about the issue -- even for ourselves when intellectually they tell you it wasn't your fault, it's easy to blame yourself eg "I'm defective" "My body may have attacked the baby" etc. Are you trying again soon? I wish you all the best.

@amypy78 - I am so so sorry for your loss and I agree, it is the worst thing I had to ever go through as well. I hated going back to work - but I cannot even imagine having to work in Labor and Delivery after all of this. I actually was watching tv the other day and there was an infant baby in the story and that made me start sobbing. Can you take more time off --like vacation? I just think after something like this the pain is so raw, being around pregnant mothers and babies is just too much. I am talking to someone about my grief, it may be a good idea for you too, because there is so much complexity of emotion involved. My husband just wasn't cutting it. Completely different coping style, and doesn't have the same attachment that I did. My friends are great but even they have a hard time knowing what to do or say. In any case I send out my thoughts and prayers your way.
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Re: Finding it really hard to bounce back

Postby amypy78 » Sun Jun 07, 2015 7:38 pm

Thank you so much for the kind words. Today has been fairly good. I have actually showered and put on makeup which was a huge accomplishment. I wish I could take off more time, but I just can't afford it. I need to have the extra money to start saving for the next round of fertility treatments. The closest fertility treatment center is an hour and a half from my house. So needless to say, it is a tremendous financial obligation to begin treatment again. The one question I have, is will I ever feel normal again? I have never felt so broken and empty. I'm constantly sad and I have no desire to do anything that I used to enjoy.
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Re: Finding it really hard to bounce back

Postby mylammie04 » Mon Jun 08, 2015 10:35 am

An0514 & amypy78 - I am so sorry for your losses. We all grieve in different ways and sometimes we just need to have a good cry, scream or time to ourselves. I hope that you know that we're here to be your virtual cheerleaders, listeners and commiseraters through your TTC journey.

Libellule - thank you. We are not actively trying at this point, but not preventing it either. we're trying to keep that mentality to keep the stress levels low. We'll see! I'm on my TWW (2nd week), so we'll see what happens. Not sure if we did or not.
Me: 34
DH: 34
TTC #1 since 01/14
Dx PCOS: 09/14
1st MC: 08/01/14 :angel:
2nd MC: 04/14/15 :angel:
3rd MC: 07/17/17 :angel:

RAINBOW BABY
02/14/16 :babyb:

TTC #2
mylammie04
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Re: Finding it really hard to bounce back

Postby Libellule » Mon Jun 08, 2015 10:57 pm

@amypy78 - how was your first day back? I totally understand the need to save money for fertility treatments. I'm starting to think I may be headed down that same path. I think it's great that you are thinking about the future and I know things will work out for you. Regarding "feeling normal" - I feel like this whole experience has changed me in some way. I'm a little less positive, a little more pessimistic, and a lot less naive. I've always been kind of pessimistic, and my husband thinks I'm crazy for being so negative. What you describe, feeling "empty" and "broken" with no desire to do anything, I feel it too. I've tried to plunge myself in my activities but it's really hard, I'm not motivated. I haven't wanted to see anyone, or be too involved with anything. After the first miscarriage I was in a bad place, but I did feel much better after I passed that point in the next pregnancy.

I don't personally see how I can ever feel good in pregnancy anymore. But I guess you never know until you experience it yourself.

What is normal anyway? I do think you will heal. I feel like I'm starting to, but the sobbing still hits sometimes. The constant reminders of shattered dreams, the pain of this bleeding that seems like it will never end. I believe it is a wound that will close but never quite go away, at least for me. I believe we are all stronger than we give ourselves credit for and I think you must be especially strong, especially to work in a place like L and D to begin with.
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Re: Finding it really hard to bounce back

Postby Libellule » Mon Jun 08, 2015 10:59 pm

@mylammie - keeping my fingers crossed for you!!
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Re: Finding it really hard to bounce back

Postby mylammie04 » Tue Jun 09, 2015 12:06 pm

Thanks Libellule! :)

I've felt that same emptiness, lost and broken feeling as well. You just keep trying to chug forward but it's so hard. I had my "moment of clarity" where I felt everything would be okay when I was on a run during a business trip. It was lightly drizzling, cold and I was running along the Potomac River. At some point, I just stopped cause I just was running so hard, so fast...and I just stopped. I looked out at the river and just felt this calm feeling come over me, so I knew that I'd be okay.

But yes, Libellule -- you're totally right. We are all stronger than we give ourselves credit for, but we'll all reach that moment of clarity and just see how strong we really are :) And yes! Amypy78 - you are a strong one to be working in L&D!

Stay strong ladies <3
Me: 34
DH: 34
TTC #1 since 01/14
Dx PCOS: 09/14
1st MC: 08/01/14 :angel:
2nd MC: 04/14/15 :angel:
3rd MC: 07/17/17 :angel:

RAINBOW BABY
02/14/16 :babyb:

TTC #2
mylammie04
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Posts: 55
Joined: Wed Apr 15, 2015 6:57 am

Re: Finding it really hard to bounce back

Postby Sms842 » Mon Jun 15, 2015 11:01 am

Libellule, You've totally expressed how I've been feeling. I keep myself busy to stop from falling into the sadness. What makes it tough for me right now is my sister being pregnant. She's due with #2 in October. Then you have all the social media posts that just remind me I'm not expecting. There won't be a baby at the end of the year. I'm hoping I can feel like myself again, but my body is still dealing with this MC, which just brings it all back some how. Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone.

@mylammie04, I hope I can find clarity like you have.
Me: 31 (Stephanie)
DH: 36
PCOS/APS
DS: Kevin Joshua born 7/22/2016

TTC #2
BFP: 8/4/17 - CP
BFP: 9/14/17 - CP

Cycle w/ Letrozole:
#1: 11/14/17 BFP: 12/8/2017
Beta #1: 150

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Re: Finding it really hard to bounce back

Postby mylammie04 » Tue Jun 16, 2015 9:22 am

Sms842 - Sorry for your losses and thinking of you. I think we all find our moment of clarity at some point...some sooner than others. You'll get there and you'll get there on your own terms. Don't let anyone rush you or tell you otherwise!

We're here for support!
Me: 34
DH: 34
TTC #1 since 01/14
Dx PCOS: 09/14
1st MC: 08/01/14 :angel:
2nd MC: 04/14/15 :angel:
3rd MC: 07/17/17 :angel:

RAINBOW BABY
02/14/16 :babyb:

TTC #2
mylammie04
BabyDuster
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Posts: 55
Joined: Wed Apr 15, 2015 6:57 am

Re: Finding it really hard to bounce back

Postby Sms842 » Tue Jun 16, 2015 11:52 am

Thanks! mylammie04, I don't really have anyone to talk to who gets it like you guys do. There are just days I get bummed out and while they are few and far between its still tough. I only hope I get some answers. I'm still waiting for my beta tests to come back negative. Tomorrow morning is the next blood test. We still haven't done any other testing to see why they are happening.
Me: 31 (Stephanie)
DH: 36
PCOS/APS
DS: Kevin Joshua born 7/22/2016

TTC #2
BFP: 8/4/17 - CP
BFP: 9/14/17 - CP

Cycle w/ Letrozole:
#1: 11/14/17 BFP: 12/8/2017
Beta #1: 150

Image
My Ovulation Chart
Sms842
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Posts: 823
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Re: Finding it really hard to bounce back

Postby Libellule » Sun Jun 21, 2015 1:09 am

Hi Sms842,

Sorry I didn't write back sooner. I'm so sorry for your losses :( It breaks my heart that anyone has to suffer through this unbearable emotional pain. Ugh and with your sister being pregnant too, that's just SO hard. And it seems like everywhere you look, tv, the mall, facebook, everyone is pregnant, or everyone has babies. It's a constant reminder of what you don't have.

Let me tell you I have been going for my f/u visits, trying to get my b-hcg down to zero. I just found out on Friday the d and c didn't get rid of everything, I still have a large blood clot. So now I'm suffering through misoprostol tonight to finish the job. It jogs all of those feelings back up again. I'm very emotional. I had actually been doing better this week and was feeling happier, until Friday.

And to make it worse, when I went to get the blood drawn, the phlebotomist, made a really insensitive comment, "Oh, are you pregnant?" I proceeded to explain to her that no I'm not, I miscarried. But I walked out of the lab with tears streaming down my face. Of course she didn't mean to upset me, but she should know better than to ask a question like that when she is drawing blood.

Are you planning on getting more testing? Keep us updated. I really hope that you find success on your next try. I'm glad that with this forum we can validate each other, and express feelings that we might have in common. I wish we didn't have to experience them at all, but it also helps me to know that others empathize with what I'm feeling.

I will say a prayer for all of you ladies, a prayer that we will all find happiness and beautiful babies in our arms.
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Re: Finding it really hard to bounce back

Postby Sms842 » Sun Jun 21, 2015 8:07 am

My last beta came back at 65, so I'm pretty much going every week till its zero. I didn't have a D&C and passed the sac on my own. I had it tested for any genetic issues, but haven't heard the results. But based on the tests my dr wants to do, I'm thinking it was normal. I have more blood draws ahead and an HSG. There is a great book I've been reading about recurrent miscarriage that has given me knowledge about what I should be asking for and what we should be tested for. My guess is that I won't TTC until later in the year possibly, hopefully. As for now I'm still having bleeding and all I want now is for that to stop.

Thanks for all the support and I hope that you feel better to. You're in my thoughts and I hope we will have some beautiful babe's of our own too.
Me: 31 (Stephanie)
DH: 36
PCOS/APS
DS: Kevin Joshua born 7/22/2016

TTC #2
BFP: 8/4/17 - CP
BFP: 9/14/17 - CP

Cycle w/ Letrozole:
#1: 11/14/17 BFP: 12/8/2017
Beta #1: 150

Image
My Ovulation Chart
Sms842
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Posts: 823
Joined: Fri Feb 13, 2015 6:45 pm

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