Selfish, Negative, and ready to just crawl in bed and cry

TTC in our fabulous forties!

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Selfish, Negative, and ready to just crawl in bed and cry

Postby TTCnumber2at42 » Mon Aug 13, 2012 4:28 am

Hi ladies, I always TRY to stay positive about TTC and I truly believe being positive puts you in the right state of mind and less stress. In saying that I have had 2 days of total meltdown. On Sunday, I was taking a walk with my DS and passed a neighbour's house who had 2 signs on there front yard and on the door "It's a Boy" ... this neighbour had her daughter the same time I had my son (although I don't socialize with them ... too stuck up and opinionated for my liking ... you know the type of people who love to tell you how your parenting skills are lacking as their child is wrapped in 15 layers of clothing with caked on sunscreen, a hat, only 1" of actual skin showing and it is 70 degrees outside!) ... I literally speed walked home and cried. Another distant cousin's wife is pregnant and due in October and I have to think ... why not me ... what am I doing wrong .... am I not a good mom to my DS that I am being punished ...

Sure I'm a new parent who has and will make mistakes, tittering on the over-protective side yet I give him enough space to make the little mistakes and learn from them, loving yet not a door mat, and investigate his "quirks" to ensure this is normal (yes I am anal).

I'm just in desperate need of a Monday morning hug and for someone to say it is okay to have these feelings and God willing my time will come ...
Me 42 in September 2012 ~DH 35 in June 2012 ~DS 2 in July 2012
Angel #1 March 2008 6 weeks 6 days
Angel # 2 May 2011 6 weeks 2 days
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Postby Janovich » Mon Aug 13, 2012 6:49 am

Oh hunni......... big big big hugs coming your way for as long as you need to be held... and that's a promise... xxxxx

I had a little bit of an 'episode' myself on saturday morning too,...both my little sister and brother have packed their bags and gone off on their hols with their families..yes kids there... and as i climbed in my car to make my way to my horse for the day...i just burst into tears,...knowing that THAT is exactly what i want in the future.... a family and kid (s)...i want to do the 'family' holiday think with my own,... i had a good blubber and a cry on the way over to the farm,...and got myself together by the time i arrived at the yard...and then,....well i just thanked God really for a beautiful day,..and my horse,..my soulmate,..who is every bit a good as my own child.... and if i'm blessed with my own someday,.. well,..i'll just be in bits with joy and ecstasy that my dreams have come true...

Until then ....i have to try and keep my chin up and keep going....

Love to you hun....xxxxx
Janovich x
Me: 46
OH: 44
Chemical - January 2013
TTC since Feb 2012, naturally
Temping and watching CM changes when I can!
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Postby Second_Chance » Mon Aug 13, 2012 7:50 am

TTC- so sorry for the sad weekend. I can so relate to you. Big hugs your way and calming thoughts to you. :D
Me: 44 DH: 45
TTC #1 since June 2012
DH- Perfect
ME- DOR due to age

March 2013 started taking DHEA 25mg 3 times a day FSH is now 8.5... down from 17.8 from 3 months earlier. They want it well below 10.

June, 2013- AMH level .016 (low) they want it over 1.

June 2013- Antral Follicle Ct- 6 (low) they want it over 10.


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Postby Boadiegirl » Mon Aug 13, 2012 10:15 am

TTC#2

So sorry this was a bad weekend and they really do suck when they happen! Good luck with everything! :hugs:

BTW, it is soooo OK to have those feelings - AND it will happen for you, too!
Me (Jen) 41 DH 44
TTC since 2007
IVF#1 June 2012 - Ectopic
IVF#2 October 2012 - :bfp:
Beta#1 (15dp3dt) 592 Beta#2 (19dp3dt) 2395
:future baby boy: Charlie born on 7/18/13 7 lbs 8oz
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Postby shanessa91 » Mon Aug 13, 2012 10:15 am

TTC I know exactly how you feel. I have even had that conversation with God - am I not a good mom to DS? Am I failing in some way that HE won't allow me to have another? But then I can't believe that. DS is flourishing so I can't be that bad. It is so hard, especially now in the summer when you can see so many belly bumps. Everywhere I go I see families with min of two kids. It is so hard. I don't want to be insensitive to those ttc#1 I understand that battle all too well also. It took me four years to achieve that. And now we have been trying another four years for #2. Hugs to you TTC. You are worthy and you are a terrific mom!

Janovich - don't stop believing that it will happen for you. I literally prayed and wallowed in self pity for one whole weekend (48 hours) before I conceived my DS that Sunday (the only BDing that month). God knows what is in our hearts. HE just works according to his own clock. Not ours.

Hugs to you both. We all just have to hang in there!
Me 43, DH 47 DS 6
MC – 4/06 (5wks, nat), 7/06 (blight ovum 6wks, d&c), 2/09 (molar 5wks, d&c), 4/10 (nat)
Fibroid surg. – 08/05, 09/06, 08/09
01/07 - BFP! - DS born 10/2007
HSG –12/10 convoluted tubes (adhesions?), left w/ slight hydro; HSG 01/13 -tubes open. Poss convolution/dilation on left
Took ttc break 2011 (new job/loss of father)!
IVF#1, 03/12 – 22 retrieved, 4 trans – BFP: Chem, beta = 4.3
IVF#2, 05/12 – 16 retrieved w/ Lupron, 5 trans – BFP: Chem, beta 6
FET 08/12 - 1 embryo - BFN
03/08/13 - 13DPO - BFP!!
03/13/13 Beta 170, Progesterone 13.51
03/18/13 Beta 1035, Progesterone 12.18

03/29/13 U/S - Saw and heard HB! 118bps
05/31/13 - DS loss at 15 weeks

"For nothing is impossible with God." (Luke 1:37)
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Postby TTCnumber2at42 » Mon Aug 13, 2012 10:27 am

All I can say is thank you to all of you. I love this site, there is the support when you need it and reassurance that I am not alone with these thoughts .... thank you all!
Me 42 in September 2012 ~DH 35 in June 2012 ~DS 2 in July 2012
Angel #1 March 2008 6 weeks 6 days
Angel # 2 May 2011 6 weeks 2 days
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Postby Hoopla » Mon Aug 13, 2012 10:41 am

Big hugs to you! I completely know how you feel -just found out a friend is pregnant yesterday. Thrilled for her, but......

I remember getting beyond depressed about my not being pregnant right before I got pregnant with my little guy (now 14 months old). You just never know what is around the next corner! Don't give up hope!!

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Me:42
DH: 43
Currently TTC #2
Darling Son born June 17, 2011
Stopped BF #1 in May 2012
Cycle 2: Chemical Pregnancy
Cycle 9: BFP ended in blighted ovum and D and C
Trying again....
Cycle 1 again. =BFP!!
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Postby Fittblonde » Tue Aug 14, 2012 3:25 pm

I know how you feel. I always tried to remain positive in my years of TTC. It was hard sometimes and I too thought I was being punished. I always said to myself during those times, I WILL get pregnant and this will be a distant memory. Well I eventually did get pregnant and have spent a lot of time reflecting on my moments of pain. I believe there is a reason for everything that happens in life. All these struggles have actually brought my husband and I closer. Our communication skills with one another has improved greatly. I have cherished nearly every moment I have been pregnant. I am more excited than I ever thought possible about having a baby. I have to atrribute all these great things to my struggles. Maybe this does not hold true for everyone, but I thought I would share in case it would help. Hang in there. It is such a difficult journey but one that will be eventually worth it. :) As I am sure you already know from having your son.....
Theresa 44, DH: 37
TTC #1 since 2/14/10 - 4 MC
3/11 Au natural BFP 10 DPO! Beta 1237 16 dpo
5/09 9 wk baby passed - boy Trisomy 15
IVF #1: 11/2011 - 3 retrieved - none to transfer

March 2012 au natural BFP at 9dpo!!!
3/14 Beta 1: 70@12DPO
3/16 Beta 2: 217@14DPO
5/14 NT scan and Maternity 21 Plus BW - norma
Amino and Micro Array testing - ALL NORMAL!!!!l
Donor egg cycle canceled due to our miracle
Chloe Ann arrived November 20, 2012 Via induction
TTC Baby #2 Au Natural until November 2014 then we will move onto Donor Eggs
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