Midwife has us doubting we want another baby

TTC in our fabulous forties!

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Midwife has us doubting we want another baby

Postby mom2bret » Tue Sep 09, 2014 2:42 am

I am turning 41 in November, DH is just turned 41 last week. We have been married for 1.5 years and TTC the whole time. I had my first appt the midwife yesterday because our insurance won't cover fertility doc.

My husband had discussed the possibility of having a downs baby because of our age and decided that if that was what happened we would deal with it. But after my appointment yesterday, she has me so afraid and feeling guilty that we aren't sure. She asked if we had really really thought about it, had we considered that at our age the child would only be 29 when we were 70 and was that really fair because we couldn't take care of the child for much of its life because we would be dead. She also asked if we had thought about my 14 year old son, had we thought about the time and attention and monetary funds that we would not have because of all the doctors visits and extra time a downs baby would take and was that really fair to him. And now, I don't know if we should take that 1 in a 100 chance or not. But the Midwife did go on to say that in the over 500 babies she has delivered she has only had 2 Downs babies. One was to a 18 year old, the other was to a 29 year old. She said none of her older moms had ever had a downs baby.

I told DH about it and he said that we would have to pray but then when I asked him his thoughts he got very upset and said fine you can just quit trying. And ignored me the rest of the night.

I feel so confused and guilty and worried. AF isn't due till tomorrow and now I don't know what to hope for.

Anyone else struggled with this decision? What were your thoughts?
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Re: Midwife has us doubting we want another baby

Postby ShuggysMom » Wed Sep 10, 2014 9:05 am

I would get another midwife. I am 40 and have received nothing but support from my OBs. Yes- there are increased risks and people should be aware of that, but the odds are still in favor of a healthy baby. Keep a positive attitude and find someone that has worked with older women.

Hope this helps. Best wishes!
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Re: Midwife has us doubting we want another baby

Postby mom2bret » Wed Sep 10, 2014 9:21 am

Thank you. That is kind of what we have come to think also. I have calmed down and am thinking straight again. I was born when my mom was 40 and my dad 50. And as you said yes there is a 1% chance for a mother my age to have a child that has Down Syndrome but there is 99% chance the baby will be healthy.

Thanks for your reply, we have decided that we will continue with this midwife since we actually have some tests going now but will also be looking for one to switch to. The nearest OB or Midwife besides her would be an hour away. But we may have to go that far.
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Re: Midwife has us doubting we want another baby

Postby RoloCat » Thu Sep 11, 2014 11:02 am

Wow... can't believe the midwife was so negative. At 40, chances of a baby with genetic problems is ~1.5/100 (1/100 for downs). The bigger worry is actually miscarriage. The chances of genetic abnormalities significantly rises by 45 (~5/100), but that still means 95% chance of having healthy baby, AND you're still a long way from that. So many women are having babies later in life now for many different reasons. Most seem to be just fine, and there are so many more options for women attempting to get pregnant later in life now as well. And remember, at our age, genetic screening will be recommended (and likely covered by insurance), so IF the worst scenario were to happen, you'd be forewarned and have many options.

GL!
me: 41yo
DH: 42yo
married 11yrs, together 16 and just decided to start trying...

TTC#1 cycle 3:
6/10/14 CD1
6/29/14 CD20 ovulation
7/7/14 (8dpo) BFP
7/9/14 (10dpo) beta#1 hcg: 34.5 progesterone 20.8
7/11/14 (12dpo) beta#2 hcg 139
7/30/14 early u/s 6w5d HB 121
8/12/14 u/s 8w2d HB 175
9/11/12: It's a BOY!
10/29/14: 19wk ultrasound
11/26/14: 23wk ultrasound
12/23/14: 27wk ultrasound
12/31/14: gestational diabetes. Yuck.

3/6/15: Welcome to the world, Thomas Joseph "TJ" Roland (2 weeks early)
7:56pm
6lb 15oz
18in
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Re: Midwife has us doubting we want another baby

Postby mom2bret » Thu Sep 11, 2014 11:40 am

Thank you Rolocat. I have gotten that kind of support from people here and my two sisters. My one sister even brought up the point that when my mom got pregnant with me 40 years ago everyone tried to talk her out of it but her and dad decided to keep me, so if they had listened to nay sayers I wouldn't be here and neither would my son.

We decided that we will still try for a baby and if it happens to be that 1% that something chromosomal is wrong we will love it the same and it won't change the love I have for my son il ready have.
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