To share or not to share?

Is in vitro fertilization helping you achieve your dream of parenthood? Discuss IVF, FET, donor egg and surrogacy here!

Moderators: unaffected, JessM, southernbelle, maddy

Did you or will you share your IVF stories openly?

Yes
15
65%
No
8
35%
 
Total votes : 23

To share or not to share?

Postby WishingStar » Thu Dec 09, 2010 4:50 pm

Hi all! Just wanted your thoughts and input on this so we can make the right decision for our family. When we had our first IVF, we only told my side of the family. Second IVF, told both sides of the family, but ILs couldn't keep their word and it appears to be spreading through gossip. :roll: :cry: :x :|

Anyway, we're considering being open about it now to ALL family (not just immediate family) and friends, just so that we can minimize the gossip and possibly add a little more dignity to the whole thing. It's bad enough that we're dealing with infertility and the gossip part just adds insult to injury. I'd also like to share it to help spread the word about infertility. I already share my struggles with endometriosis, but haven't brought the two together. I want to make it not just about us as a couple, but to make people aware of the "infertile" community....that we're not just a myth and to show that our struggle isn't only physical, it's also deeply spiritual, emotional and financial.

Do you share your IVF stories openly? Why? Why not? How did you "announce" it? If you shared, did you regret it?
Me-35 DH-39
DS-3 My little "surprise" miracle.
TTC #1 Since Aug.'06, TTC #2 in 2015
DH- Healthy :D
Me- Severe Endo, no left tube, large endometriomas in ovaries.
Had 2 Laps since 8/2007; Acupuncture and Chinese Herbs.
Tx since 9/2008: First RE visit, diagnostic tests, 4 Clomid w/ 3 IUIs (2 w/Clomid; Injectibles, 1 Injectibles Only); 2 cancelled IUIs.
5/2009: IVF #1, :angel: :angel: (Day 3, no implantation.)
2/2010: New RE
5-6/2010: IVF #2, 6 eggs (endo. cysts in the way), all mature, 5 fert., only 2 divided, 2 Tx'd Day 3 :angel: :angel:
Fall 2010: Detox w/Zeolite, continue w/natural supplements, organic foods, anti-inflammation Endo diet.
1/2011: NATURAL BFP!! :bfp: Keep faith in Him! Miracles happen every day!
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Postby desperategrl » Thu Dec 09, 2010 5:31 pm

I didn't tell anyone b/c i didn't want the pressure if it worked or not and sadly i'm ashamed. I don't want people especially my IL to know that we weren't normal. I made the mistake of telling my sister DH had some fertility issues and she told my whole family after i made here swear not to! :x They don't know about IVF though. This one lady at my work is 25 weeks and i congratulated her and she said it worked after 5 years and multiple ivfs. I don't know her that well, but she was that open and i admired her for that... I related to her and she didn't even know it.
Me - 27 No Known issues HSG all Clear
DH 28 MFI/Low low morphology and
low motility
TTC # 1 Since July 2008
IVF # 1 Oct 09 0 out of 5 Fertilized
found out we need ICSI..Duh
Switched RE's due to him being an incompetent fool
IVF # 2- 21 Retrieved, 18 mature, 15 fertilized ,and 9 made it to blast
2 Transferred, 7 frozen. BFP!
Beta # 1 306
1 Empty sac and 1 baby
Singleton
12/16 Gender Scan!!!! Boy!!
2/22 4D U/S!

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Postby kez71 » Thu Dec 09, 2010 6:37 pm

i voted no, however both our parents know, my bff knows and one girl at works knows we are going to do ivf, but i haven't told her we started..If it was up to me i would tell more people, but DH doesn't want people asking about it and being sad if it doesn't work..hed prefer to just tell people when we are pregnant..so i have agreed to not tell people..its really difficult though..2 of my work collegues are products of IVF and their mother passed away 3 years ago from cancer, so i know they would be interested in the process as they never asked her much about it..but im keeping my lips sealed..lol..last night at work another collegue was asking when we would be starting our family..i soo wanted to blurt it out..but i didn't..mind you, i didn't get a lot of support from BFF..she basically just said oh right, well good luck with that and changed the subject..so maybe it is best to keep quiet.
http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/10d294

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Me(43!!) DF (47) TTC #1 since jan 06

M/C Dec 08 7 weeks
Lap/hyst/dye work Aug11th 2010- Blocked tubes
First IVF Oct-Dec 2010 BFN- chemical :(
IVF#2 April/May 2011 BFN :(
FET #1 July 2011BFP!!! MC 10w3d
FET#2 Feb 2012 BFP!!! MC 8 weeks
IVF#3 July 2012 BFP Baby Girl born April 2013
FET #3 Feb 2015 Beta due 12th March. stick baby!

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Postby MommyToOne » Thu Dec 09, 2010 8:33 pm

I didn't vote b/c for our first IVF we told all of our family what we were doing, we were very open about it. We even told a few people at work. I did get a BFP, we told everyone after the 1st beta, I ended up having a m/c at 11 wks. So we then had to untell EVERYONE. It has been hell, I still have people congratulating me 4 wks after the m/c and I have to explain to them that I lost the baby, we are doing a FET in February and we aren't telling anyone...not even family. They stressed me out way too much! So if my FET is successfull we will share our news when I hit the 12 wks mark and get the all clear from my RE. I am very open about our struggles and I def think more people need to be educated about infertility!
Me - 29 DH - 31 DS - 9 DS2/DD - Almost 2
2 m/c, 3 REs, 6 Failed IUIs, 6 years TTC
Sept 2010 IVF #1 - BFP - M/C Nov. 2010
3/3/11 - FET #1
3/14/11 - 578!!
3/16/11 - 1297!!
3/22/11 - 1st u/s!! TWINS!!!
3/29/11 - :hb: :hb:
5/10/11 - Its a BOY and a GIRL!
6/11/13- FET #2
6/21/13 - 397!!
6/24/13 - 892!!
6/26/13 - 1911!
7/1/13 - First u/s! TWINS AGAIN!
7/9/13 - :hb: :hb:
It's a BOY and a GIRL AGAIN!!
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Postby Abi » Thu Dec 09, 2010 9:22 pm

Well... I told EVERYONE we were doing IVF. I am a teacher, so it was really hard to miss so much work (I had to travel to do IVF so ended up taking 7 days off in a row!) and not let people know why. It was great in the beginning... lots of support, etc. Now I have my BFP and EVERYONE keeps asking me if I'm pregnant. Of course, they all know I should know by now and I have ended up telling more people than I am comfortable with that it is positive. I keep saying things like, "things look optimistic, but it's too early to tell", etc. I am so worried something will go wrong and I will have to untell everyone (as Mommytoone mentioned above). I know they will be supportive, but I just don't want to have to go through that! I am not sure it is worth the early support now. People are driving me crazy!!!
Me-32 (DOR)
DH-31 (2% morph)
DS-3

IVF Nov 10
-Antagonist cycle with ICSI
-5 Day Transfer of 2 blasts
:bfp: on an HPT 4dp5dt!!!!!
-Beta: 12/2-89.6, 12/4-267, 12/8 HCG-1410
-1st u/s @ 5w4d- 1 sac
-2nd u/s @ 6w4d- :hb:
- It's a girl! Yay!
- Abigael Erin born 8/10/11 - 7lb 7oz!

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Postby New_Mommy_Oct_05 » Thu Dec 09, 2010 9:58 pm

We have told everyone our struggles from the very beginning. (5 years ago) We are dealing with secondary IF (our DD only took 5 months to conceive) so we have dealt with A LOT of judegements this time around .... but the light I have shed on IF in my community (we're small) has made an impact.

Even our own family members and friends who didn't understand have came to us and said they would have never known how hard it was, how much of a medical issue it was, and how financially painful it is if we hadn't shared with them.

I have helped other friends who ended up struggling after they started. Granted, they all passed me up on getting pregnant, but I helped them with information and support.

I don't regret my decision. I think it has made me the kind of person I am today. It changed me ... even though it sucks LOL.
*Me: 29 DH: 34
*DD1: 5 months TTC - Born 10/21/05
*DD2: 5 years TTC - IVF/ICSI - Born 8/3/11
*DD3: Surprise natural BFP - Born 8/20/12
*DD4: Donor Embryo FET - Born 8/21/15
*Aug 2013: FET
*9/7/13: :angel: Said Goodbye


Team green turned team PINK
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*Dx: MFI ; PCOS & Egg Factor
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Postby Abi » Thu Dec 09, 2010 10:31 pm

I do agree with New Mommy on the point of how much sharing our struggle has totally changed the people around me. They are much more understanding and less insensitive now that they are aware that IF is VERY hard to deal with. I would never regret sharing our overall IF struggles for a minute. Especially, when people would ask, "So... When are you ever gonna have #2? and I could bluntly reply... "we've been trying for over a year now." That was the best feeling, because it made people realize that they may be being insensitive without even thinking about it. I am actually known as a huge oversharer amongst my friends and family and I love it... sharing has made me feel 1000 times better countless times.

My only issue with sharing is that I wish I hadn't have told everyone about IVF specifically. I say go for it with friends and close family, but maybe hold off on the random coworkers, etc... those are the people I don't want to have to constantly explain things to if something went wrong. However, I would totally need and rely on the support of my friends and family in such a case.

Point in case: I literally had a woman I don't even know (maybe she looked vaguely familiar?) come up to me at a restaurant and ask me if I was pregnant this week. My jaw dropped! Turns out she is some friend of my aunt and she recognized me from some party my aunt threw a while back. My aunt had informed her entire card club about me and she just had to know... Those are the people I don't really enjoy talking with about it. It was just weird! Imagine if I'd had an early loss and had to find myself explaining it constantly to random people. UGH!

I feel like I am suddenly required to spill the beans to the custodian, the old crabby band teacher, and random people in restaurants now because they all know about it AND ask about it! Clearly I shared a bit too much!! :mrgreen:

So my advice: Tell the fam, and close friends, etc, but don't go hog wild like me. :oops:

Sorry for the novel! Hope this made some sort of sense.
Me-32 (DOR)
DH-31 (2% morph)
DS-3

IVF Nov 10
-Antagonist cycle with ICSI
-5 Day Transfer of 2 blasts
:bfp: on an HPT 4dp5dt!!!!!
-Beta: 12/2-89.6, 12/4-267, 12/8 HCG-1410
-1st u/s @ 5w4d- 1 sac
-2nd u/s @ 6w4d- :hb:
- It's a girl! Yay!
- Abigael Erin born 8/10/11 - 7lb 7oz!

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Postby New_Mommy_Oct_05 » Thu Dec 09, 2010 10:38 pm

Abi wrote:
I feel like I am suddenly required to spill the beans to the custodian, the old crabby band teacher, and random people in restaurants now because they all know about it AND ask about it! Clearly I shared a bit too much!! :mrgreen:


L O L .... the old guy in the meat dept at walmart knew about our IF :lol:
*Me: 29 DH: 34
*DD1: 5 months TTC - Born 10/21/05
*DD2: 5 years TTC - IVF/ICSI - Born 8/3/11
*DD3: Surprise natural BFP - Born 8/20/12
*DD4: Donor Embryo FET - Born 8/21/15
*Aug 2013: FET
*9/7/13: :angel: Said Goodbye


Team green turned team PINK
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*Dx: MFI ; PCOS & Egg Factor
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Postby nikki2246 » Fri Dec 10, 2010 6:57 am

we have shared out story with a lot of people...most of our close friends know to some degree and most of my family knows to some degree. I don't regret telling anyone but when you are going through a cycle there is so much pressure on you as it is that sometimes people knowing (even though they mean well) adds more pressure. I don't think I would have gotten through my first 2 cycles and MC or my failed cycle without my mom and sister in law...but it is such a personal thing. Be prepared that not all people will be sensitive to what you are going through and not all people agre with the steps you are willing to take to have a child( these are the people usuallly not in your immediate circle). My boss and one of the guys I work with know about what goes on and genuinly care but another person asked me and actually said "well you don't seem to private about it" I almost cracked him...
IVF #1 Jan 2009 BFP ends in Missed MC @10 weeks
IVF #2 March 2010 BFP-early MC

On to DE Aug 2010
DER 8/17 26 eggs
transf 2 blasts (5day)
BFN-
6 snowbabies

FET Jan 2011
Tranfser 1/25/11
BFP

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Postby twinklebug » Fri Dec 10, 2010 8:55 am

I wasnt sure if I should vote share, or not share because we're kind of in the middle. Our first IVF, I told all my immediate family, a couple of close friends at work, and DH told his co workers. THis was mainly so that I had people to cover for me when I came in late from morning monitoring, appts, etc..LOL Then after our BFP, we pretty told pretty much everyone who asked. I felt it was important to share our struggles, but did find there were some people who were a lot less sensitive than I thought they would be. Even my mom, who knew everything I was going through and how it was affecting me, said to me quite a few times "I think if you just relax and stop worrying about it, it will happen" . Arghhh! I think IF is just really difficult to understand if you haven't been through it, and so some people just dont realize theyre being insensitive.

We are doing a FET cycle coming up and have decided to tell only very close family (i.e. my parents, my brother, and of course my TTC girls :) I dont want the pressure of dealing with a million questions about the cycle, and have decided to only talk to those who really will understand. It really is a personal decision on how much you share and who you share it with. Baby Dust to all!
Me: 32; DH: 35; TTC #1 23 months; 7/08 HSG All Clear, DX "Unexplained Infertility"
3 Cycles of Gonal F and IUI, all BFN :(

May-June IVF #1
5/11/09 Start taking Lupron
5/28/09 Start Stims
6/8/09 Egg Retrieval
6/13/09 5 day ET, tranferred 2 beautiful blasts, 3 snowbabies on ice.
HPT BFP on 6/21, 8dp5dt :) !!
Beta 10dp5dt: 239
Beta 12dp5dt: 568
Beta 16dp5dt: 3026
7/7 First U/S Showed 2 Sacs ! :0)
2/14/10 Boy Girl Twins Arrived via C Section
@ 38 weeks

Praying for Baby #3!
7/21/11 Start FET
8/24/11 Transfer Day
Beta 9dp6dt: 95, Beta 13dp5dt 816
Singleton ! HB 160
5/9/12 Baby GIrl born via C Section @39w5d, 8 pds 14 oz
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Postby worleygrl » Fri Dec 10, 2010 12:45 pm

We tell and told EVERYONE who would listen. Even the Fed-Ex guy knew what he was delivering when I was on the meds! (When his brother and SIL had troubles conceiving he asked for my RE's number since he saw the results!) I feel that infertility will never be covered by insurance if we all skulk around pretending its not happening. I wanted to put a face on the struggle.

This has been amazing in terms of the sympathy and kindness of the fertile people in our lives. But it has been even more rewarding in that we've been approached by others who have the same trouble. The ability to be there for someone else has been healing to my soul in a way that (strangely) actually having babies has not. I think once IF you always carry the scars.

I have not had anyone try to tell me I should have adopted. The ones who said, "Have you thought of adopting?" when we were still struggling shut up quickly when I asked if they knew that an adoption costs about $40,000.

My only regret is that everyone now knows that my children were conceived using technology (IUI for my son and IVF for the girls). In retrospect I feel that perhaps that information is actually the children's own, very intimate medical history and I "outed" them before they were born.

But I hope they will be comfortable with their stories too. My son already knows all about who made him. He tells me, "Mama, I wasn't ready to come to you yet!" and his sisters will also know how desperately they were wanted and what lengths we went to trying to get them here!

Good luck everyone!!!!

-Carrie
Carrie 35 & DH 35, DS 3yo (3rd IUI was the charm that time around!) now TTC#2 - 4 failed IUIs on injectibles this year - 1st IVF ER 11/27, 3dt 11/30, BFP! Beta 187 on 12/12, 1182 on 12/18, 12/24 u/s shows TWINS! 5/14- We're having TWO GIRLS!!! August 7th, 2009 - Molly (6lb.12oz.) and Zoe (6lb.15oz.) are born at 38.5 weeks!
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Postby WishingStar » Fri Dec 10, 2010 4:24 pm

Thank you all for your replies and for sharing your story. :D It's helping me a lot to sort through my mixed feelings. What we'd be sharing is our past IVF cycles and not one that is current or in the future. If we decide to share our stories, I think that we'd have to make a disclaimer that just because we're sharing our history, it doesn't mean we'll be sharing every gory detail and cycle in the future. I think once you share something people tend to assume that you'll just keep sharing and that's not the case.


worleygrl wrote:I feel that infertility will never be covered by insurance if we all skulk around pretending its not happening. I wanted to put a face on the struggle.

-Carrie


That is how I feel about it, too! I hate how infertility is a mystery to so many people...that those who are struggling are full of shame for no good reason and I don't want to keep the cycle going and hiding it, just for my sake. Infertility is so much bigger than me and my DH.... Our story is private, yet I feel that maybe as part of my calling, we should be sharing it. It's been on my mind on/off for some time now and lately it just won't go away.

I don't think we could have done either cycles without support from family, but things kind of got out of hand when we told my ILs. They weren't as careful about our secret and I'm afraid gossip has taken over. :? I think for the most part, our friends will be supportive and kind. Everyone I have on facebook is aware of my infertility and endometriosis...we just never went into details about treatment and I feel like we're leaving a big hole and could do so much to enlighten the public.

Naturally, I still have a few reservations about it, but I don't want to jump the gun and just start telling everyone and then regret it. I also thought maybe I was just being selfish in wanting to share our story 'cause in some ways it would validate our pain and suffering...that we can do something good and teach others about infertility and our struggle wouldn't be for naught. :dunno:

I think it would be totally weird if someone I barely talked to or even knew asked me if my IVF cycle worked or something....but at the same time, I think it's great 'cause these people are thinking about it and infertility awareness never hurt anybody. :wink:

Looking forward to hearing/reading more from you ladies... :)
Me-35 DH-39
DS-3 My little "surprise" miracle.
TTC #1 Since Aug.'06, TTC #2 in 2015
DH- Healthy :D
Me- Severe Endo, no left tube, large endometriomas in ovaries.
Had 2 Laps since 8/2007; Acupuncture and Chinese Herbs.
Tx since 9/2008: First RE visit, diagnostic tests, 4 Clomid w/ 3 IUIs (2 w/Clomid; Injectibles, 1 Injectibles Only); 2 cancelled IUIs.
5/2009: IVF #1, :angel: :angel: (Day 3, no implantation.)
2/2010: New RE
5-6/2010: IVF #2, 6 eggs (endo. cysts in the way), all mature, 5 fert., only 2 divided, 2 Tx'd Day 3 :angel: :angel:
Fall 2010: Detox w/Zeolite, continue w/natural supplements, organic foods, anti-inflammation Endo diet.
1/2011: NATURAL BFP!! :bfp: Keep faith in Him! Miracles happen every day!
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Postby JValentine » Fri Dec 10, 2010 8:23 pm

I am cautious about telling folks at work, although, my boss knows and one other lady. Just don't want the whole office asking around xmas if it worked or not. Now, family wise...everyone knows. I would rather have the support of family and friends knowing rather than keeping it to myself.
Me: 34, DH: 33 dx: PCOS/Endo/MTHFR and SMFI: TTC #1 for 5 yrs

Finally...
IVF #1 Dec 2010, 1st folly check-14, E2 177
2nd folly check-23, E2 677, Trigger 12/5/10
Retrieval Dec 7 (the contenders...)14 eggies, 12 Mature! 12ICSI'd and 7 Fertilized!, Hopefully transferring the finalists Dec 10-Huey, Dewey, and Louie transferred (2-8 cell and 1-6 cell)
*Chemical-Low Beta...13

IVF#2
Feb/Mar 2011
1-4-2011-Start BCP
2-28-11-Scan-10 follies-E2 402
3-7-11-Retrieval 13 eggs, 3-8-11-7 mature, 4 fertilized, 3-10-11-Transfer, 3-24-11-Beta-bfn

IVF #3 June (ish) 2011
Test results in! We're on...with my eggs again!
"Colorado" protocol
BCP-June 28ish
Tentative Retrieval possibly late july/early august

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Postby Bugaboo2 » Sat Dec 11, 2010 3:30 pm

I've been sharing with pretty much everyone who will listen. Sometimes, I regret it. People feel like they can ask me about my treatments in front of other people, and it can be really awkward. For instance, when I was going through IUI and confided it didn't work, a co-worker asked really loudly, "how do you KNOW it didn't work?". I was so embarrassed - duh. Its because I got AF! Another co-worker asked, in our packed office lunch room, "so how is the baby making going?". I seriously wanted to kill her right then and there. How rude!

That said, I'm glad I told so many people. I've had wonderful emotional and financial support from family. My boss has been more than accomodating and supportive. I was approved for a rush leave of 6 weeks with no problem for my IVF treatment. My hubby plan on getting my boss a nice present for her support, but are figuring out how to do that without looking like we are crossing the line. Before I went on my leave, I had hugs and well wishes from co-workers. I don't regret telling everyone for even a second. I did warn everyone that it may not work the first time, and I may have to try a second or third time, and to please not ask me if my IVF worked when I return to work. If I have good news, I will share it in 3 months time. :wink:
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Postby Lami » Thu Dec 16, 2010 9:23 pm

We only told about 4 people when it came to our IVF. My immediate family knew about us trying to get pregnant for some time, but something about the IVF process made me want to keep things very private. I didn't want people asking me all the time how things were going, and God forbid if we did have a m/c to have to tell everyone about our pain. I am glad I made that choice because I do regret telling my in laws. I am still not sure if they shared our struggle with anyone, and I feel as if they look at me different because I had to do IVF. Of course they never say anything about it, but recently since having our son the topic of more children comes up and I feel my MIL dismisses how hard it was to have our son. She will make comments like, "I am sure the next time will be so much easier for you" or "dont worry you will get pregnant naturally next time" etc I guess I just feel although possible ( I have PCOS) it is highly unlikely I will get pregnant without medical assistance and its still hard for me to think about. I dont appreciate the insensitivity to the process of IVF, I think a lot of people have no idea how intense it is physically and emotionally. I respect those who choose the share their stories and it is important that people are aware that infertility exists, but in my personal experience I found people were very ignorant about the subject and some things are just better left unsaid. So for our next child I will not be discussing with anyone about the cycle. It is less stressful for me, but to each their own :)
ME-26 DH-30 DX PCOS 7/09 Clomid IUI 8/09 9/09 10/09- HSG 10/26/09 Tubes clear 11/6/09- Gonal F IUI 12/18/09 Gonal-F CXL cysts in ovary start BC pills to resolve IVF-1/10- BFP! 2/9/10 BFP!!
ITS A BOY Born 10/18/10
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7/11-Provera /Levothyroxine/hypothyroid
7/11 SHG-all clear
BCP in prep for IVF
Stop BCP IVF denied
IUI #1/#2 BFN
IUI#3- IVF 11/11
ER- 11/15
ET-11/18 1-8-cell high grade 1-12 cell
BFP!!!! 11/25 STICK BEAN(S)
Beta 11/28- 94
Beta 12/1- 341
Beta 12/6-2680
U/S ONE beautiful baby heart rate 106
U/S 8 week- H/R 167
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ITS A GIRL!!!
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