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New to this

PostPosted: Tue Jan 13, 2015 2:01 pm
by Seanachai
I have been on tww for a bit, but I guess I was in the section. In fact, until today, I didn't know anything about secondary infertility, let alone that it is the issue I'm facing. To introduce myself, my give name is Lori, I'm 35 and the mother of 4 amazing children from my first marriage. Their father decided to upgrade to a newer model and I found the most amazing man ever. He is 39 and never had children of his own, so when we decided to try I thought it would be somewhat easy. I mean....I have 4 kids!!! Well, apparently he hasn't had any due to low sperm count and the doc has no idea what my problem is although she likes to blame it on my weight. To be fair, I'm not any heavier than I was with my youngest so I think she's grasping at straws. I had surgery back in September to remove polyps. Whether they were caused by a miscarriage last January or vice versa, Idk, but it stinks regardless. We tried clomid for a couple months, but it messed with my moods so badly that I gave up. It was costing me my relationships and my sanity.

Like many people in my position I have had so many people tell me to focus on the 4 I do have, but what am I supposed to tell my husband?? Be content to be a stepdad and never want any of your own?? They would find that heartless, but it's ok to say it to me?? How does that work?? The small school I work at is filled with babies, pregnant women having their 6th or 7th kid and here I am struggling to hold back tears on a daily basis. A friend of mine is struggling with primary infertility and thinks she is so much worse off than me because I already have kids. As if that makes her worse off or something. She is always complaining on FB about how hard it is to struggle with fertility and how she is sick of hearing people having kids. I want to have sympathy for her but its hard when she thinks her struggle is so much more dire. Not only do I struggle with the desire to have a child with my new husband, who is absolutely amazing, but I want to give him the one thing he has never been able to have...a child of his own. I'm such an emotional wreck but I have no where to fall apart. I'm hoping to find some support here and a shoulder to cry on...

Thanks for reading!


Re: New to this

PostPosted: Mon Jan 19, 2015 7:06 am
by Golives
I hear what you're saying. I have 2 children from a previous marriage. They are 9 and 11. My significant other and I have been trying for 7 months. I know that's not long, but of course once you decide, any amount of waiting seems long. I had a friend tell me "At least you already have two beautiful children," in a tone that sounded as if I was being greedy by feeling I needed another or dramatic by worrying it may not happen. Yes, I adore and am thankful for my children every day. But having them is not a consolation for not conceiving another. It may sound strange, but the two things are not even related in my mind. I had my first children very young. I raised them amidst a divorce, working 3 jobs to take care of them, and not having the time or energy to enjoy them the way I wish I could have. I'm in a much better situation now and am so thankful I can be so present in their lives at this point. But I also want a family with the man I love. I want us to have a child that is ours, that I don't have to share with a co-parent on weekends and holidays. That I can raise without the financial struggles and stress I had with my first 2. Plus I know they'd LOVE a tiny sibling! Does this make me sound selfish or ungrateful? I feel like that's what the friend was implying. But one really has no bearing on the other, to me, and I think she just doesn't understand.

Re: New to this

PostPosted: Tue Jan 20, 2015 11:20 am
by Seanachai
I totally understand!!! I hate how people make you feel "greedy". They don't understand how separate the two things really are. I love my children more than anything, but their father was never involved in their lives and still isnt. He has them every other weekend, but never has time to make it to any school activities or anything else. He wants the bare minimum that makes him appear to be a father. My current husband has stepped up and taken the role of stepfather seriously. In fact, he's not a stepfather, he's a dad. Totally and 100%, a dad. I want to have a child with a man who will be involved in his childs life, not take a back seat because it interferes with what he wants to do. I want a child with the man who will be the father I always wished my ex-husband would be.... I wish people could understand that.... *hugz*