Trying to Conceive Forum

by **JB7764** » Thu Jan 26, 2012 7:15 pm

It's been 2 years. Two years of OPKs, CM, CP, BFNs, planned BD, daily handfuls of pills (except when I forget), diet changes, and having to watch those around me have babies. Babies that sometimes they don't want or weren't trying for. Every time I find out some one else is pregnant, my heart breaks a little more. Most of the time I can be happy for them, but sometimes it's a struggle.
Especially with my SIL who not only is in no position to have another baby (lost her previous children to the fathers because she couldn't care for them, no job, homeless etc.) she is using the baby name that I told her was at the top of my list for if we finally get pregnant which reminds me daily of our TTC struggles. She stayed at our house because she had no where else to go and I let her in on all of our troubles. I shared my fears about not being able to get pregnant and I told her about my dreams of being a mom and what I imagined my baby girl's name would be, Addison, and now I have to listen to her constantly talking about how she can't wait to see her baby girl Addison, how Addison's foot is in her ribs, how she wishes her BF could be with her and Addison (he was in jail recently and doesn't live with her since she has to stay at a friends house). Every day it's Addison, Addison, ADDISON! I know I shouldn't be upset over the name because it's not like I will be having a baby anytime soon and there's nothing saying that I will be having a girl, and I was over it for a while, but now it's a constant reminder of what I can't have. Even more so since I dreamed of having a little girl named Addison.
On top of that, my DH's friend's wife just had their baby that they were able to have through NTNP. They really deserved to have a baby and will be amazing parent's so I try to not let that get to me, but it's hard.
And my BF who started TTC at the same time as us is throwing her son's first birthday party on Sunday. I love her and her son, but it's been forever since I have gone over to visit because I'm having a hard time handling everything.
I know we're going to be visiting DH's friend's baby soon, and I don't think I can handle seeing them with their new baby; even though, I think they are deserving parents! I've been trying to think of excuses so that I don't have to go to see any of the babies or go to the showers, but I doubt I can get away with it.
I think that it's just finally sinking in that it might not ever happen for us, at least not without medical intervention that we can't afford. I feel like it might be time to throw in the towel until we can afford to figure out what is wrong. But I hate to give up. What if it's just a lifestyle thing? What if it's DH's weight? Or the fact that DH has a low sex drive? The fact that he's pre diabetic? Or what if I have blocked tubes? Endo? It would seem like we would get lucky eventually, unless it really is blocked tubes, but it's just not happening so the ultimate question is constantly on my mind: what if we just can't conceive at all? I hate feeling broken, useless, and without a purpose. If I can't get pregnant, what am I good for? Will our relationship survive TTC and not being able to have children?
I suppose I will just have to deal with whatever happens, but I just want things to work out, and the thought of it not being able to scares the crap out of me.
Thank you for letting me rant. I am so thankful for these boards.

by **JPH** » Thu Jan 26, 2012 7:34 pm

Hey JB. I just wanted to say that EVERYTHING you are feeling is completely normal. My DH and I got pregnant in 2007 and m/c at 8 weeks. We have not been able to conceive since. So we've been on this road for almost 5 years now. I have felt every emotion under the sun. It's such a hard thing to go through. The only thing that has gotten me through is my faith. I know it's hard but try to stay with it and don't ever give up. I will be praying for you and hope you get your miracle soon.

by **JB7764** » Thu Jan 26, 2012 11:54 pm

Thank you for replying. I couldn't imagine TTC for 5 years. How do you get through it when the people around you are having babies and baby showers? I was doing OK until recently. Kind of like I hit my quota for being able to keep my jealousy in check. And I'm not sure I could handle it in large groups of people gawking over baby stuff. It's easier to fake excitement on facebook when people can't see my facial expressions.

by **JPH** » Fri Jan 27, 2012 5:36 am

Trust me when I say it hasn't been easy. There have been days when I thought I could not do this anymore. It never really gets easy. And it can put a huge wedge between you and your dh - so be carfeful not to let it. I have learned a lot through it though. One thing I've learned is that I have to focus on all the blessings in my life. I have to enjoy my time with my husband for what it is. I have to remember the good things about not having any babies yet. We can just get up and go whenever we want, stay up as late as we want, sleep as late as we want, watch whatever, take vacations, etc. I think all of things are freedoms that we will take for granted until we actually have a baby. Hang in there. It will happen. It just might not be on your time... Tough lesson that I think we all have learned..

by **JB7764** » Fri Jan 27, 2012 4:52 pm

Thank you so much for reminding me of that!! I completely forgot about that! There was a point in time that I would focus on our time together without kids, but I've completely forgotten about it and let TTC take over. I think that is why I've made it this far without freaking out, until now anyway. I'm so glad that you reminded me of that.
I think it is to the point where we need a break for a bit though. We have been at it for 2 years straight and I've been noticing that DH is starting to get more upset over people that we know getting pregnant then he used to. And hey, maybe we'll end up with a surprise baby.
It'll probably take me a while to get the TTC mind set turned off though lol. So maybe I will wean myself? Have you taken breaks? Did you have to break yourself of TTC habits?

by **JPH** » Fri Jan 27, 2012 5:50 pm

Oh my goodness YES!! lol We have had to take several breaks. I don't think it is possible to continue ttc year after year w/o taking breaks. It completely consumes you. I have let myself fall into dark places that I didn't want to be. I just wanted to sit at home by myself and cry. It was awful. And, who knows, I may do that again before it's all over. I think the most important part of all this is to remind yourself that all the emotions you are feeling are completely normal and almost every woman going through this feels this way at one time or another. I'm so thankful for forums like this because you find out that you aren't alone....even though you may not know anyone personally who is going through it. One thing that helped me a lot during this was starting a blog. I thought it would be a good way for me to get my frustrations out and maybe help someone else along the way. It's funny b/c I'm in a good place emotionally right now but the last time I wrote on my blog the title was "I GIVE UP". lol I guess I should update that. I was having one of those bad days... You can read it if you want. If you go back to the beginning it will tell you my story.

www.jhughes-wishingandwaiting.blogspot.com

by **JB7764** » Fri Jan 27, 2012 7:07 pm

I just read your blog and you've truly described my feelings to a T. I think you are right and I should start a blog. I have thought about it before, but was too afraid that people I know in RL would come across it and figure out it was me.
How do you start a blog?

by **JPH** » Fri Jan 27, 2012 7:21 pm

Yay!! I think you will really enjoy having a place to write about how you're feelilng.....good days and bad. Just go to www.blogger.com. It's free and it will guide you through how to get started. And let me know (if you don't mind) when you get up and going!

by **JB7764** » Sat Jan 28, 2012 12:05 am

I'm giving it a shot.
http://journeyforabettermeandfertility.blogspot.com/

I just hope since it's linked to my Google account that it doesn't randomly send an email to my contacts list to with a link to it. Most people on that list don't know we've been TTC.

by **JPH** » Tue Jan 31, 2012 11:16 am

Hey! I just read your blog!! I love it! I think it is great that you are doing that!! Hope it helps you as much as it did me! I took a test this morning and it was :bfn:

. So I'm expecting :af:

to arrive in the morning.

I'm super bummed today and trying my best not to lose it at work. This journey is not fun.

by **JB7764** » Tue Jan 31, 2012 2:41 pm

Thanks! I was starting to think that I wrote it when I was too stressed and didn't really put much thought into the organization of my thoughts, but I think that's kind of the point since it's supposed to be a way to put my feelings out there.

Sorry you got the BFN. I hope you will get a BFP soon, I hope we both do