It's been 2 years. Two years of OPKs, CM, CP, BFNs, planned BD, daily handfuls of pills (except when I forget), diet changes, and having to watch those around me have babies. Babies that sometimes they don't want or weren't trying for. Every time I find out some one else is pregnant, my heart breaks a little more. Most of the time I can be happy for them, but sometimes it's a struggle.
Especially with my SIL who not only is in no position to have another baby (lost her previous children to the fathers because she couldn't care for them, no job, homeless etc.) she is using the baby name that I told her was at the top of my list for if we finally get pregnant which reminds me daily of our TTC struggles. She stayed at our house because she had no where else to go and I let her in on all of our troubles. I shared my fears about not being able to get pregnant and I told her about my dreams of being a mom and what I imagined my baby girl's name would be, Addison, and now I have to listen to her constantly talking about how she can't wait to see her baby girl Addison, how Addison's foot is in her ribs, how she wishes her BF could be with her and Addison (he was in jail recently and doesn't live with her since she has to stay at a friends house). Every day it's Addison, Addison, ADDISON! I know I shouldn't be upset over the name because it's not like I will be having a baby anytime soon and there's nothing saying that I will be having a girl, and I was over it for a while, but now it's a constant reminder of what I can't have. Even more so since I dreamed of having a little girl named Addison.
On top of that, my DH's friend's wife just had their baby that they were able to have through NTNP. They really deserved to have a baby and will be amazing parent's so I try to not let that get to me, but it's hard.
And my BF who started TTC at the same time as us is throwing her son's first birthday party on Sunday. I love her and her son, but it's been forever since I have gone over to visit because I'm having a hard time handling everything.
I know we're going to be visiting DH's friend's baby soon, and I don't think I can handle seeing them with their new baby; even though, I think they are deserving parents! I've been trying to think of excuses so that I don't have to go to see any of the babies or go to the showers, but I doubt I can get away with it.
I think that it's just finally sinking in that it might not ever happen for us, at least not without medical intervention that we can't afford. I feel like it might be time to throw in the towel until we can afford to figure out what is wrong. But I hate to give up. What if it's just a lifestyle thing? What if it's DH's weight? Or the fact that DH has a low sex drive? The fact that he's pre diabetic? Or what if I have blocked tubes? Endo? It would seem like we would get lucky eventually, unless it really is blocked tubes, but it's just not happening so the ultimate question is constantly on my mind: what if we just can't conceive at all? I hate feeling broken, useless, and without a purpose. If I can't get pregnant, what am I good for? Will our relationship survive TTC and not being able to have children?
I suppose I will just have to deal with whatever happens, but I just want things to work out, and the thought of it not being able to scares the crap out of me.
Thank you for letting me rant. I am so thankful for these boards.
TTC since November 09'
DH's SA results (abstention- 5 days):
Liquefied in 20min
Volume- 2 ml
Count- 143 mill/mL
Total count- 286 million
Normal morphology- 23%
My test results:
TSH: 1.320 uIU/ml
FSH: 6.34 miU/ml
Prolactin: 8.3 ng/ml
Progesterone: 4.41 ng/ml
1st Clomid cycle: March 2013
HSG 10/2/13 showed everything clear and looking good
1/1/2016 BFP: 1/4/016 MC @ 5 weeks My Ovulation Chart