How to avoid the blame game

[vetmom]

What do you guys do to make sure that both you and dh don't feel like you are to blame? Dh wants kids even more then I do I think, and he works a lot and when he is tired there tend to be unspoken hints on his side that maybe it is my fault or hints that he feels "unmanly". These are the worst when I tell him we have to BD on days he has worked double shifts (no one could blame the guy for not being in the mood, well no one but a crazed TTCer Anyone else having or had this, got any good moral boasters for the potential papa?

[Jillian2012]

Hi!

We've been running into the same problem as well.

My Husband works till late & usually does not get him until around 10:00pm & I have to be up around 5:30am, so when he get's home, I am ready to crash. LOL

We just try our best to be together on my fertile days, but if it does not happen, we try not to get upset at one & other.

Good luck!!!

[vetmom]

Hey, I live in Columbus, haha, Maybe this nice weather and light later at night thing will help out this month, haha.

[hopefulone28]

It can be difficult, but you can't blame each other. There are going to be nights when one or both of you just don't feel like it and there's not much that can be done about that. Forcing the issue makes it become a chore and nobody wants that. I try not to ever tell my DH that we *have* to BD on any given night because he hates feeling like we're on a schedule. Most of the time he's pretty good at just going with it, but if he's exhausted, he's exhausted. I might pout a bit but I don't want him to feel... well... used. You know?

[Zanna]

If he's too tired, then I just do all the work. I know it's not the most ideal position for conception, but it's better than nothing, right?

[pinkrock]

You have my sympathies; I can relate. I tend to be very goal-driven. When I'm fertile, I can get wrapped up in the goal of getting pregnant.

Two things...

1) I want my child to be conceived in love, not in fear. If we're having sex primarily in order to get pregnant, then I become afraid of failure and my attitude edges closer to blame and guilt. When our primary motivation is to express love for each other, with the hopes of making a baby in the process, then grace for differences of sex drive and arousal become ways to meet our goal rather than things to do when the goal is not met.

2) I try to keep in mind that, should we be successful and have a child, the strength of our relationship and our trust for each other will become all the more important as a crucial part of the foundation for our family. Raising a child will provide countless opportunities for laying blame and feeding insecurities. I try to see these difficulties now as a training ground. If I blame him for not wanting to have sex now, then how will I respond if our child gets hurt while he's watching it? If we have to keep proving ourselves to each other, then how can we trust when the stakes involve so much more?

So, basically, I switch my goal from making babies to building a family. And, at this point, building a family includes both making babies and strengthening our relationship. If I sacrifice the relationship for the babies, then I'm not gaining any ground.

[BGirl]

My DH and I have a different issue entirely.

He comes from a family that has babies before they get married and, usually, end up separated. I grew up with the belief that there is an order, you get married and then you had a baby.

We met in 2005 when he was 25 nearly 26 and I was 20 nearly 21. He would always mention wanting a baby, and I would always tell him that it wouldn't happen until we were married.

Fast forward to being married for a year in 2010, ttc June 2010-July2011, and wondering why nothing worked.

DH diagnosed with azoospermia. He even had an operation to try and retrieve just one, and he has nothing.

I know there are times in my mind where I feel that it's somewhat his fault for not bringing home the "bacon," just like I'm sure there are times in the back of his mind where he thinks it's my fault because I "made him wait."

DH has always had myotonic dystrophy (it affects the muscles), genetic disorder that gets exponentially worse with each generation, he even had an aunt die from it. We could have separated it out, with an IVF/ICSI proceedure, if he even had any swimmers.

We've had conversations about all of this, but, even though I know we both doubt sometimes, we both are aiming for the same goal. I wouldn't be able to go through any of this without him, and sometimes I think that someone up there didn't want us giving a child the distinct possibility of a shorter life span or life in a wheel chair. Sorry to go on for so long, but I just want to remind everyone, myself included, that, while blame may be there, you have to remember that you have the same goal, and all you can do is support each other.