Trying to Conceive Forum

by **sinkme** » Fri May 04, 2012 7:30 am

I had a M/C recently. Had my D&C on Monday. Family members have called me several times but I didn't get a card or flowers or anything. Not even from DH

I gave him a card. No one visited either.

I just feel upset about that. I know if my sisters had a M&C I would visit them, bring a meal or do something helpful for sure but that's just me.

I just needed to vent. I just feel like no one really cares that much. I think I'm so upset about it because I want to make a little memory scrapbook of this baby with all the scan pics and I felt like it would have been nice to have some cards and pressed flowers, etc.

by **trpr** » Fri May 04, 2012 8:47 am

First of all, I'm so so sorry for your loss.

I think that sometimes people just don't understand how devistating a m/c can be. Especially if they've never had one. A lot of times people just don't know how to react or what to say, so they say nothing. Or, they might say something completely thoughtless, which I got from people who never experienced it ("at least your body got rid of something that wasn't going to work, right?" "you wouldn't have wanted a defective baby anyway, right?" etc etc etc...). They mean well, but don't really understand.

I wanted my DH to have been more upset or something. I often blamed him for the m/c, as silly as that sounds, because he was not ready for another child and as soon as I had found out I was pg, the first words out of his mouth were, "I am not excited about this". Nice, right? He is only now realizing that he came across terribly during that time and he feels badly about it now.

In general though, when I had my m/c, I wanted nothing from anyone. I didn't want pity. I didn't want anyone else to feel sad, although my mother made me feel badly because she said that the family was all upset too since they were starting to make room in their hearts for another baby. That just made me feel worse and like I'd failed them or something. Again, thoughtless comments.

I mostly wanted to forget about it and move on, although I did have several crying breakdowns. But everyone is different. I am sorry that nobody is being very supportive. But know that you always have us!

Hang in there!

by **jagger** » Fri May 04, 2012 2:33 pm

Your getting more support than me. No one will talk to me about it. At all.

by **sinkme** » Fri May 04, 2012 7:18 pm

jagger wrote:Your getting more support than me. No one will talk to me about it. At all.

I'm sorry.

((hugs))

by **jagger** » Sat May 05, 2012 11:34 am

Sorry, that sounded colder than I meant.

The best reaction I've got was "Oh my god, do you need a hug?" From a friend at work. I'm very thankful I have you guys and I hope it's helping you guys too!!!

1 time · by **Chelsea31** » Sun May 06, 2012 7:04 am

I'm so sorry you ladies haven't had support..my husband is trying to be as supportive as he can from Afghanistan..I would of thought he was going to send me flowers, but he didn't. Not like flowers have been on my mind, I just wanted him home.

That is so sad none of your family came to visit..I had all of my husbands side of the family calling, but like you said nothing more then that. My husbands brother texted me and was like i'm sorry some things aren't meant to be. This is the same brother who's wife found out the day after us that they were also expecting.

If no one has gone through it, they truly do NOT and will NOT understand. I just got this book that has helped me a lot. Grieving the Child I Never Knew..this woman went through so much to get pregnant and loss after loss she kept going. I know all our of experiences will be different with a miscarriage, stillbirth, or tubal pregnancy. But we all feel pain. Doesn't matter how far along you were, a loss is a loss and I feel it. I'll have the scars on my stomach to remember it..not like I'll ever forget my child either way.

I prefer not to talk to my friends about it because they all think i'm being "whiny" and keep saying it just wasn't meant to be, it will happen someday. (really don't need them stating the obvious) Like TRPR said, some people just don't know what to say..

Sorry you ladies are going through this..it hurts more then I could ever imagined.

by **mommyofgirls** » Sun May 06, 2012 7:47 pm

So many hugs coming you way. Your not alone sweetie. Shoot, I sent my MIL a card since she had to watch my 2DD for me during all the US's I had so 5 times. Ha, I never recieved a card or a sorry from her or acknowledgement for the card I sent her. Wierd thing was I got a card from my husbands employee and his wife but not my own friends and family well besides my dad. My dad is all mushy and even cried. God Bless him. I think this world needs a little more love, caring and campassion period. People are so selfish these days. Too worried about what to say or don't care and say nothing at all.
My DH was great and continues to be. I think the single most kind thing that happened was when I got my D&C my OB without my asking held my hand as they put me to sleep. I sent her a thank-you card for that and told her how that meant so much to me. My follow-up appt she thanked me for it. I'll remember that forever since I was so scared and sad. Everyone on both sides of the family just pretended it never happened. They still do. It's so wierd and I do harbour some resentment about it. I've vowed to instill compassion and thankfullness(is that a word lol) in my girls.