by HawkeyeGirl16 » Mon Feb 25, 2013 8:12 am
I know what you mean about it almost being worse stuck in limbo. With my first pregnancy I had a total of three ultrasounds. I went back and forth between being hopeful and fearing a loss several times before it was finally confirmed. My second pregnancy showed awesome I initial betas, but the second one didn't rise. I was told it could be ectopic, so had to keep getting blood draws until it dropped below 5. Again, it sucked that I had another loss, but it was a relief that it wasn't ectopic and I could move on.
My triplet pregnancy was definitely the worst and full of so many ups and downs. At the beginning, I had so much bleeding and spotting that I was certain I was miscarrying. Then a 5w6d ultrasound showed three babies with heartbeats and I was shocked. I honestly thought I would still lose one or more of the babies after that ultrasound, but to my surprise I made it out of the first trimester with everything looking perfect. By 18 weeks, my MFM told me everything looked perfect and that I should start stocking up on baby supplies. I finally let my guard down at that point and let myself believe that I might actually get my happy ending. The following week, I started spotting and an ultrasound confirmed I had incompetent cervix. I was devastated, but hopeful because my MFM was willing to admit me for medication to stop contractions and try a cerclage. The medication worked and my cervix stopped changing. I was taken to the OR for the cerclage, but they noticed fresh spotting during the procedure and had to stop. Again, I started to lose hope, but was told I was stable and old stay on hospital bed rest over the weekend and we'd try the cerclage again Monday morning. There was a chance everything could still be ok. As my spinal anesthesia from the cerclage attempt was wearing off, I started to cramp again and my son was born. He lived for 20 minutes. Even after that, my doctor said that since I wasn't contracting, we might be able to keep the other two babies in until viability. Hope was renewed! Then, I started to hemorrhage. After receiving a blood transfusion, my doctor said that they had to induce me to save my life. My daughters were both stillborn from the blood loss.
We were completely devastated. When I was discharged, I just wanted to start birth control and not think about pregnancy again for a while. I really don't know when tht feeling changed, but I felt like we had come so close that surely things had to work out and I really wanted the opportunity to raise my own biological child. I had a chemical pregnancy my second round of treatments. At that point, my husband and I decided to try one last time before taking a long break to rethink things and spend time working on our relationship. That last attempt resulted in my son. We are so blessed to have him in our lives. I wouldn't really say that I kept my sanity throughout everything. In fact, I almost think that the only reason I was able to push forward with more treatments was because I was a bit insane. I almost became numb to disappointment with treatment failures. Going to the RE had become such a routine that I felt stuck in limbo again while I wasn't trying. As crazy as it sounds, I felt better trying again even when it wasn't successful. At least I was moving forward (or at least thats how it seemed). Grief caught up to me though and hit me pretty hard again during my son's pregnancy. I still grieve the loss of my babies, but it has been a little easier to deal with now and the feelings are not as intense as they once were.
Don't ever give up on your dreams of becoming a mom. There are some wonderful ladies on these boards who can support you along the way. Don't hesitate to ask questions, vent, and share your thoughts along the way. Many of us have been there and can share what helped us. Big hugs and good luck!
Me: 28 DH: 30
We're TTC a little brother or sister for Mason! (Shh FB friends)
My blog:
http://ttcwithpcosrpl.blogspot.com PCOS, adenomyosis, RPL, & IC
7/09-8/10: Multiple cycles of IF medications
4/26/10
8w3d
7/26/10
5w0d
RPL testing: elevated anticardiolipin IgM
1/7/11: Triplet angels 19w4d due to IC Cadyn
Adalyn
Mikayla
5/24/11:
4w3d
6/21/11:
#5 Shirodkar cerclage & 17p
Our miracle baby Mason arrived safely 2/22/12
October 2013: BF?
9/10/13 ultrasound 6 weeks and 4 days - beautiful heartbeat of 156 <3 
My first pregnancy was a missed miscarriage. There was a heartbeat a 7 weeks, but the baby was measuring small. The next week, they couldn't find a heartbeat anymore and the baby had stopped growing. I was given the option of cytotec or a D&C. I chose the cytotec. I was told to insert four pills vaginally the first day and again the second morning if I didn't pass much tissue. A few hours after inserting the pills, I had pretty intense ramping followed by very heavy bleeding. It was heavy enough that I almost thought I would have to go to he ER. I also passed several large clots and tissue. Thankfully, it slowed after about an hour or two and was more like a heavy period for another two to three days. I did not use the cytotec again he second day. The bleeding eased up quite a bit the fourth day, but I still had some pretty painful cramping off and on for a couple more days. For the second week, I just had light bleeding and spotting. On day 14, I passed another big clot and didn't have anymore bleeding or cramping after that. HTH and again, I'm very sorry you're going through this.
