Short LP #2

[miaowington]

Hey, we were over six pages, so I started a new thread for us.

How are you guys doing? Just waiting for appointments? Charley, have you & DH started telling anyone about being pregnant? That would be the hardest part for me. EVERYONE knows that me & my BF are trying. I get asked about it all the time. I have kind of already given up in advance on not telling anyone when it happens.

Alyson, how are you handling the Clomid this time around?

I am still waiting for either a BFP or AF. 13DPO today, which is GREAT. Short LP no longer! At least not when I'm dosin', ha ha. I have been feeling really rotten--splitting headaches (typical around AF), sleepy (typical because I'm a sloth in human disguise), crazy nausea. If I'm awake, I feel like I just ate an entire pound of peanut butter fudge & went on a rollercoaster. I'm like, "Is this pregnancy nausea or just baby rabies nervous stomach?" I wouldn't mind feeling so crummy if I thought it was going somewhere. Temps started climbing again, more brown spotting this morning, BFNs on both a Dollar Tree test & a FRER. Actually, I thought I saw just the palest of pink positives on both, but they disappeared as the test dried...if they were ever there at all. In my all-consuming desire to be pregnant, I wouldn't put it past myself to transpose the control line into the test area. If I don't get a visit from the in the next 24 hours, I'm going to call the doc & see about scheduling a blood test.

The BF & I talked baby names last night. He suggested "Martholomew" for a girl. It was almost enough for me to call the whole TTC thing off, ha ha!

[Mac8]

Good call on the new page, I was thinking of starting one myself, but got distracted (a million times to be exact)

Clomid for me this month is a lot harder then the last. As last month was my first, the side effects were noticeable, but nothing I couldn't handle. This month, I am more tired and nauseous with bouts of dizziness. Thank God I take them at night, I don't know how I would function throughout the day if I had taken them in the morning. Just waiting on my u/s and blood on Thurs, and tomorrow is the last clomid day, hooray!

Ciara - it is so exciting to see another temp rise and that your LP is nice and 'normal' (using the term loosely) I would definitely call your DR and schedule that blood test and then you can poas until the test, you should have a really good idea by then.

[miaowington]

After much excitement yesterday with a positive-looking FRER, I woke up at 2am with what looks like the start of my period. It's 4:30am now. Can't sleep. Too disappointed. Even my BF, who just does not get excited about stuff, saw the test from yesterday & declared himself "cautiously optimistic". But now I'm having some bright red bleeding that would be classified as a little bit more than just spotting, & some cramps, &...I just know this is it. Game over.

So I guess we can try this again together, Alyson. I'm doing 50mg of Clomid again, CD5-9. I'll start some kind of generic prog supplement once I get my sustained temp rise. I don't know if I'll do OPKs again...it might just be a waste of money considering that I O anyway. Maybe I'll skip it this time. Staring down the barrel of my eighth cycle TTC, I need to try to save some money where I can. I can't just keep throwing money at this problem like that's going to be the solution. I don't know.

This time around, I will not obsess my way through the TWW, & I will not break out the big guns to start testing for pregnancy until 14DPO. I made it to 13DPO on my first round of Clomid--a normal luteal phase, for once. If I'd just been patient & waited until after the average person misses her period, I wouldn't have wasted any tests or been crushed by the excitement of a positive followed up with bleeding. That's the problem with these TTC comms: they're nice for support & if you really need an outlet for obsessing, but when everyone else seems to be getting a BFP at 9DPO, it's hard not to wonder what's wrong with you & start testing early & set yourself up for more devastation than you really need.

I'm going to to try to go back to bed now, but am taking the day off from everything. I'm going to go get a massage (I already had one scheduled; how lucky is that?) & then do absolutely nothing. I need my Day of Mourning before I get back on the ball.

I'm thinking of taking my Clomid in the morning this time. I took it at night last time & it sucked because the only side effect I had was hot flashes, & they always woke me up. I'd prefer to have hot flashes during the day. What do you think?

[Mac8]

Oh Ciara, I'm so disappointed for you Especially after the line you got on your test yesterday (I broke my rule and peeked at the BFP for you), which leads me back to my rule of not testing early. I'm sure the disappointment and sadness has overwhelmed you, as it will, and you should definitely take this day to grieve and be by yourself (or BF, how you choose). All you can do at the end is get right back on the horse and keep trying, right?

THis is how I felt when I got my negative, and really, we are only human and can take so much, especially when our hopes have been built up (silly FRER) I am of the same approach and will not thinking about anything as a symptom this time, everything will only be a side effect from the prog because there was some really good ones last month that were all crap. As for OPK, because you know the clomid makes you ovulate, once you finish your last pill, try to bd every other night for 1.5 - 2 weeks and you should be more then fine, save you money for prog and more clomid and hopefully baby things

And I know what you mean about these sites - i have found 1 really good friend from this site and we now talk all the time on fb, without TTW I would never had found her. But there is so much this site has done for me in regards to making me feel bad. I didn't really know about DPO and the fact that some people can get positives as early as 8-9, its made me want to test early, buy opks, consider internet sticks and that evil BFP page. I only come on now to talk to you guys (I stopped for a while before starting clomid)

As for taking clomid in the morning, its up to you. I will tell you that this second round has been harder for me, and have been feeling more nauseous and dizzy then the last. Don't know why I am reacting differently this time, but if I was basing my med taking off of last cycle, I would have considered taking it in the morning. My nurse said she recommends at night and now this cycle, I'm glad I stuck with the night as I would not be able to even walk straight, let alone take care of Ethan. But you may have no other side effects and be better off taking it in the morning, I have no idea.

I'm really sorry that this happened, Nice to think that it may work on the first go right? Thats what I thought, maybe I'll be lucky enough to only have to do it once. I woke up this morning with a serious case of the blues (most hateful way of starting the day) and had a good cry about the negative I may get this cycle; just overwhelmed. Take your time and get back to me when you feel up to it. I'm always here.

[miaowington]

Thanks, Alyson. I really appreciate all the kind words. You just went through all of this, so you know just how it feels. My doctor is supposed to call me this morning to schedule a blood test since I had that faint positive yesterday morning...I guess I'll have her call in another round of Clomid & progesterone instead.

I think the worst part about this is feeling like I don't know or can't trust my own body. I have been feeling so nauseated in the last few days. & it didn't come on until after I had a day or two of really minor brown spotting. A few days before that, I took a long bath & thought I'd made my peace with whatever outcome I was going to get this cycle, but the nausea & the brown spotting (I'd never had anything like that before) started to raise my hopes. & then my temps started going back up...& then I got that FRER with a pink line...I mean, all signs pointed to "pregnant". & maybe I really was & it's just an early miscarriage, but the result is that I feel like I can't trust my body.

& add to this the fact that I am disabled & have a chronic pain condition. Trying to get to a point of feeling trust in my body has been a really hard row to hoe. When you spend eight months in physical therapy when you're only 19 & are hobbling around with a cane by the time you're 24, but everyone from friends to family to doctors keeps telling you that maybe you'd be okay if you just tried harder, your x-rays aren't showing any more degeneration, maybe just try to get more exercise, everyone has the occasional aches & pains, etc etc...You really start to wonder if you can trust anything you feel. It's crazy-making.

I feel like I am whining. There are women out there who have been waiting for so much longer than I have. That's another hard part of this: my laser focus on getting pregnant is distracting me from everything that is wonderful about my life. Every now & again, I "come out of the fog" & take a good look at where I am & what I'm doing & I feel so fortunate & loved to have such a beautiful home, such a supportive partner, such brilliant friends, I could go on. I worry sometimes that I have become so fixated on getting pregnant (because it seems so impossible) that I won't know how to shift gears & prepare for parenthood when it finally happens.

I went to midwifery school with a woman who was simply obsessed with getting & being pregnant. It was all she cared about. She had five kids, all under the age of five, & she wanted more--not because she loved kids (she admitted that she found them boring), but because people made a big fuss over her & treated her like a queen. I saw in person how she treated her kids, who were just the sweetest little things. They'd say, "Mommy, I drew a picture of you!" & hand her the cutest little drawing they'd made while she was in class all day, & she'd say, "Get that away from me, it has your germs all over it." But she was trying to get pregnant again, even though her youngest was only eight months old. & she was upset because all her other kids were much younger than eight months when the next-youngest sibling was conceived.

I think she's an extreme example, but I think about her & don't want to be like her. This whole getting pregnant thing is turning into a major ordeal, but I'm really trying to remember that it's only the first step toward a complete transformation of my life, & THAT'S what I need to focus on.

But I'm also thinking that if I don't get pregnant this time, I might take a little breather from trying. Just for a month. This is really, really stressful.

Alyson, what day are you on? You're all finished with the Clomid, right? Just waiting for some nice ripe follicles?

[Mac8]

I know what you mean about not trusting your body, I don't trust mine at all - even tho I know most things are fine and I O on my own and everything looks good, nothing so far has worked, so I don't even trust it anymore. I guess that is not the attitude we should have when we actually do get pg - were going to be so paranoid. What your body did this month was just plain mean.....maybe it was a chemical, I'm sure the thought has crossed your mind.

I'm sorry that you are in so much pain, it's not fair that you had to go through this journey. I have found through my experience of TTC that the only people who truly understand what you are going through and can relate are people who have experienced the same things. No one can understand what pain is until they feel it themselves. Like, how does a fertile woman know the disappointment and heartache of a woman who can't conceive. You should never listen to anyone else if they give you hard time about exercise and so on, I'm sure you have done all you can do for your situation.

Never feel like you whining, I will always listen and I'm sure I will do my share of complaining, I always do. I went through the baby fog during the summer (as I have been trying for longer than you) and I lost site of a lot of things, but since then, I have regained my sight to myself and I can see my son, my husband, my dog, my house, my family and my friends, my health for what they really are: awesome. It does come back and I know what you mean, when (not if) we get pregnant, it will be a weird feeling not waking up and having to freak out about TTC and cycle days and such and just breath. And when you get pg, it won't take you long to just embrace it and be a good mom.

IT is very stressful. When my DH and I started trying for #2, we didn't want our kids to be more than 2 yrs apart, no more than 2.5. Well, Ethan is almost 2.5 and I still am not pregnant; so much for my well laid plans. I think if I dont get pg this month, I will do the next cycle of clomid and when I meet the DR to re-plan our attack with new meds, I might break then. I'm CD8 (no more clomid), went in this morning for u/s and I have a 15mm and a 19mm, so I go back tomorrow to see where I am at so they can give me a trigger. I will ask them maybe to trigger me when the 15 is close to release, so I can get two out there.

[miaowington]

More excitement for me: the fertility nurse called yesterday & was all, "Okay, you can come in any time for a blood test to confirm that positive HPT & we have tons of free samples of Crinone laying around the office so we can load you up with enough of that to see you through your first trimester!" I had to say, "Update: started bleeding."

& then she said, "Are you sure you got a positive HPT?" & I had to explain that I wasn't sure, it could have been an evap, there was a line & it was pink but I don't know what to think. She said that because my blood type is A- & my BF doesn't know his, I had to come in for a blood test anyway ASAP & if it was positive, I'd have to get a Rhogam shot to stop my body from making antibodies against any positive blood any future zygotes may produce. I'd just gotten out of my massage & didn't want to do anything but bask in the relaxation by laying on the couch reading magazines all afternoon, but instead I had to hustle over to the hospital & let them take more blood. I was almost in tears. Not that I mind blood draws--I'm covered in tattoos & obviously not afraid of needles. I just wanted to have a day off though.

Anyway, the nurse called back & told me the blood test was negative, so I didn't need a shot. She said they called in Prometrium for me & that's what I'll be taking after O, & that I need to come in again for a CD21 blood draw to check prog levels. Is it weird that I felt really shitty about having to fill a script for Prometrium? It made me sad that if I was pregnant, I'd get free Crinone, but because I'm a big infertile loser (or so it feels sometimes), I have to pay for something that is kind of more of a pain in the @ss (so I hear--I guess I'll find out first-hand soon enough). It reminded me of these boards, how when people are like, "I got my BFP!" everyone is all, "OMG, congrats, MOMMY!" but when people are like, "BFN," & could possibly use a little moral support, it's just...*crickets*. Like not getting pregnant is contagious or something.

So I don't know what was up with that test. I guess I'll assume it was an evap. It just underscores my commitment to not testing this time until 14DPO.

My BF & I also had a long talk last night about why this didn't work. He had an SA done last month & his sperm count came back just a hair below the minimum of what they want to stamp you "normal." They want 2 million sperm & he had 1.8 million. We BD'ed every day CD11-CD16. I O'ed on CD16, probably. So I'm thinking that either a) I actually Oed on CD17 & there just weren't enough sperm left to make anything happen, or b) he really does have a touch of low sperm count & by the time O day rolled around, he was all tapped out of the good stuff. So maybe we'll try every other day this time?

& a million times yes on the whole "what can a fertile woman know about this?" tip. Sometimes I feel like women should be banned from the TTC boards once they conceive. They can post about their BFPs in a special, easily avoidable forum if they feel they really must, but then they have to graduate to the pregnancy boards. They can come back to support their struggling sisters, but they are not allowed to crow about their BFPs.

[Mac8]

That's brutal - I know the clinic had to call back, but it only adds to the crappiness that you are already feeling. There is a reason why most people want to hibernate after they get af (bfn); you don't want to have to deal with it for a few days.

It isn't weird that you feel s**t (are we allowed to swear on here?) for having to fill out a perscription - the first time I got my clomid it truly felt like the first step to acknowledging that my body sucks and I need help. ANd I don't think people are 100% sure what to say to bfns....and that maybe if they come on and show their support and happiness to those who get BFPs on their first try, somehow someone will return the favour.

I was talking (not about it anymore) TTC with a fertile friend (good friend) and I was explaining all the drugs, IUI and so on and she referred to IUI as "the turkey baster thing" - really? Not only was that comment heartless and rude, but it was insulting....there is so much riding on these procedures for some people and for her to just refer to it like that hurt me (and I havent even had one)

Every other day is what my OB and specialist has said - that way you bf's junk has a time to strengthen again, give them a break. Every day is too much work for them and the quality decreases with each successive day. Also, if you abstain for too long, they get too old, rotten and lazy (5+ days) So, he's a little less then is 'normal' so I would do every other day for sure

[miaowington]

I don't know if we're allowed to swear on here! I assumed that we were supposed to keep it in check as much as possible, since a lot of parents in general try to curtail their swearing so Junior doesn't repeat something he shouldn't, & I know lots of ladies on TTC forums are mega religious & have feelings about swearing. In real life, I swear constantly & have had a hard time holding it in on the boards. I usually remember to change my vocab or add random asterisks if I really can't help myself, & I noticed that the board automatically edits some words. But one of mine slipped through all the censors. I feel like a revolutionary! (Not really.)

So my latest update: I went to the pharmacy yesterday to refill my prescriptions. The doc decided to try me on Prometrium, as it is cheaper than Crinone. I'd had a migraine all day, so I took a nap to try to get rid of it, & then had to race to the pharmacy as soon as I woke up if I wanted to get there before it closed & also make it home again in time for feminist book club.

So I show up & give the guy my name. He retrieves my drugs & asks if I have any prescription drug coverage, as the Prometrium is "a little bit on the pricy side." I was picturing maybe $40 or $50 or something & I explained that I don't have drug coverage. He tells me to Prometrium costs over $250. I seriously almost came over the counter. I literally yelled, "Are you seriously f*ck!ng with me right now?!?"

Technically, that IS cheaper than the Crinone, because it's $250 for thirty applications, as opposed to $250 for fifteen applications. It's a 50% savings! But it's still insanely expensive. I was like, "It's progesterone! There has GOT to be a generic progesterone, right? It's not that complicated of a drug!" They do carry a progesterone on their $4 list, but it's for hormone replacement in post-menopausal women & is a different strength than what is used for pregnancy. So I paid for it, but by the time I got to the produce section on the other side of the store, I was openly sobbing because I was thinking, "Why the hell am I throwing all this money at drugs that might not even work? Even if I do finally get pregnant & have a baby, I won't have enough money to clothe & shelter it. I'll be living under an overpass somewhere because I spent my entire income on hormones that my body should be able to make itself!" Old ladies were all, "Sweetie, are you all right?" & I was like, "I just need to get mushrooms! *sob*"

So that was fun & not at all an exercise in public humiliation.

I was STOKED the first time I filled my Clomid script because I'd already made my peace with the fact that my body was failing me on the pregnancy front & I was looking at Clomid as this magical wonder drug that would, like, get me pregnant all on its own, no boyfriend required! I was practically ready to arrange a candlelit dinner & a dimly-lit bubble bath, just me & the Clomid. I still don't mind shelling out for the Clomid. It's the prescription progesterone that is killing me.

I hear you on the "turkey baster" thing. I have been really open with people I know about the whole TTC/infertility journey, in part because I'm waiting for insensitive reactions. When I told people we were moving on up to Clomid, pretty much everyone though I was talking about injectables. They had no idea that there are pills you can take. People seem to be under the impression that making a baby is either you & your partner on satin sheets with Marvin Gaye in the background & some scented candles, or else it's all syringes & ultrasounds & test tubes, no middle ground. So I would explain, & of course the next comment would be, "Are you gonna be the next Octomom?" like fertility drugs always automatically mean one million babies at a time. It is eye-opening to realize how much ignorance is out there--& I don't say that in a judgmental way. Just that this is something people really don't educate themselves about it until they get to the point where they need to avail themselves of these technologies. I know I didn't.

[Mac8]

I will ask my nurse tomorrow about the progesterone that I am taking. THere has to be another option then 250$! Now that price for 30 is way better then 15....but still, that is a lot of money! You'll still have to cough up something like 500 for 3 months worth when you get pg. Gah! I would have a meltdown in the produce section as well. Public breakdowns are never easy tho, I am managed to maintain all of mine to the privacy of my own bedroom or basement, wherever the mood strikes me. (I agree about the swearing; I used to swear like a trucker, every other word was F but since I've had my son I stopped. Then when he started copying everything we were saying, I really stopped)

THe uninformed, its just boggles the mind how people are blind to what they do not know, that are unwilling to learn about things. And yes, people do assume that if o natural does not work, you need a petri dish to have a baby. THe same friend I mentioned about the turkey baster thing also asked me if clomid was free and if you did, were they expensive. Oh dear...what can I say.

As for me, update: Went in this morning for u/s and blood and my follies were 18mm and 21mm so after a review of my bloodwork and a talk with my DR, they decided to give me the trigger shot tomorrow with the intention of releasing two mature eggs. Then I get to start my TTW

[Mac8]

Hope your weekend treated you well! My nephew gave my son the flu, so we spent the weekend on puke duty He's much better today, but still a great waste of a weekend.

My u/s revealed today that I did in fact release both eggs, so I am officially starting my TTW today and progesterone tomorrow until test day on Feb 25. Where are you in our cycle??

[Blondielicious]

Just joining the new thread ladies....how are you both today? xx

[miaowington]

I'm on CD8. Tomorrow's my last day of Clomid & then I wait to O. I haven't even been looking at the board in the last few days. I'm just trying not to think about TTC at all. I mean, I'm taking the drugs, but I'm not going to stress about OPKs & timing sex & all that this month. I just need a breather, which includes not looking at the boards & comparing myself against everyone else (since I seem to be incapable of not doing that).

It's been great. I've been more productive with other stuff I care about, including quality time with my BF. He sat on the couch with me the other night & rubbed my feet for two hours while I read a book (he was reading a book too). Yesterday we spent four hours just laying around in bed in the middle of the day, talking & napping. I guess neither of these things sound "productive". Oh well!

[Mac8]

Nice to hear from you and good for you for going off the grid with regards to everything TTC. I'm on CD 14 (only 3DPO) so we aren't too far apart. I think if you bd every other night or so, you will cover your bases, and if not, so be it. I think what you have been doing is awesome, and will help more then you know!

[Blondielicious]

Ciara - Glad you are taking a breather this cycle and just relaxing and enjoying each other...it's the way to go, so many people swear by this method for getting pregnant.

Alyson - 3 dpo - only 10 more days til your bloods, I will be stalking.

AFM - Back on the Metformin now as suggested by the doctor, it is meant to reduce this risk of miscarriage....come on 12 weeks....want to tell everyone and relax.