Early Pregnancy Symptoms and Big Fat Positives
Finally!! BFP with IVF ICSI after 4 yrs TTC :)
My Love: 31
TTC: 4 yrs
Like so many others I have been reading these posts as a way to find hope during my fertility journey that oftentimes left me feeling utterly hopeless. Almost exactly 4 years ago my husband and I decided I'd stop taking my bc pills and we'd just "see what happens". We weren't consciously trying but not trying to prevent it either. After about a year I started to wonder what was up, and began charting my cycles and paying attention to my fertile days. My husband wasn't concerned and was not at all interested in getting anything checked out. After another 6 months of bfn's, I started using ovulation predictors and still, nothing. Finally my husband agreed to get a semen analysis. The results were 0-1% morphology, low motility, and the low end of normal for count. We were devastated. Thus began the rollercoaster ride of infertility and fertility treatments. We moved and waited to get settled into our new home and new jobs before going to a new RE and beginning treatment. After months on vitamins my husband's numbers hadn't changed. They did every test under the sun on me, and everything came back fine.
The ups and downs and constant disappointments have been heartbreaking and I honestly began feeling a little depressed at different points in the journey. I would try to remain positive and hopeful and patient, but as you probably know, it is so hard to keep it all together when going through this. I felt guilty for the sad feelings I had when so many friends and loved ones became pregnant and gave birth around me. I was happy for them but couldn't help feeling sorry for myself, which in turn made me feel like a selfish person. It was also very hard to talk about with anyone. Even the people who love me seemed to cause me more pain when I tried to open up about it. It's very hard to understand this journey unless you have personally experienced it. I've learned so much since going through this and reading other people's experiences online really helped me. Sorry to go on and on, but I just can't believe I have finally made it to the other side of the infertility mountain! I'll try to skip to the good stuff.
We did 2 natural cycles of IUI which both failed. We then moved on to a medicated cycle of IUI, which also failed. At this point I was ready to move on and started researching adoption, an option I am still very interested in. We found out that our insurance would cover IVF and so decided to give it a try. It took a few months to get everything in order and finally in December 2014 we began our first cycle of IVF with ICSI.
14 eggs were retrieved, 8 fertilized, and only one blastocyst was good enough to transfer 5 days later. None of the others made it to freeze. This made me worry very much. The day of transfer went really well and we were so happy and excited. My husband asked for a picture of the blastocyst and then taped it to our headboard so we could see it before bed and when we wake up lol. Hearing that none of the others made it to freeze made me nervous and anxious. But our Dr. had only planned on transferring one anyway, so that gave us hope. I felt constipation and bloated, with sore breasts, but wasn't sure if it was from the progesterone suppositories. A few days after the transfer I started feeling really bad. Super bloated and my abdomen was very distended. I felt tightness in my chest when I would lay down, like it was a little hard to breath, and a little swollen. I got worried and looked up my symptoms. I think it was mild ohss, and so I ate plenty of protein and salty foods and drank a lot of gatorade. THis helped. (At retrieval they said they had to remove some fluid and had advised me even before that on how to treat mild ohss due to my trigger shot... we accidentally injected more than prescribed into my butt!!). I was confused, thinking ohss only happens before the transfer, but was surprised to read that a positive pregnancy result can also cause the symptoms, since the hcg hormone goes up. Reading that gave me some hope. I was way too nervous to take an hpt though. I couldn't bear the thought of another bfn, and then having to wait for the blood test anyway. Btw I was definitely a nervous wreck most of my 2ww. I was not sleeping well and anxious and worrying. So if you feel like that too, its ok! It’s not going to make or break your embryo’s implantation :)
We went back for the blood pregnancy test 10 days after transfer. I didn't sleep that night I was so nervous. On the way home we decided to get a cheap hpt, since we knew we would know the results that day anyway. I poas and then waited, heart beating like crazy. Within seconds the result was positive!! I was so surprised and elated that I said "wait.. what?!" and stumbled out of the bathroom with my pants/panties down around my ankles and "ran" to show my husband the results. He yelled and we both started hugging and laughing and crying and jumping. It's one of the best moments of my life. I am only 5.5 wks pregnant but ready to feel happy and excited and positive. Even if this doesn't work out (God forbid!), at least I know it is possible now. My first 3 betas were good. Beta 1- 264, beta 2- 554, beta 3- 2,123. I'm waiting for my first ultrasound on 2/2 where they will try to detect a heartbeat. If all looks well, we can finally move on from the RE and find a midwife. I'm so happy and ready to move on to a healthy pregnancy. As far as symptoms, so far I haven’t had many. Boobs are kinda sore and swollen (like pms) and I still feel bloated and slightly constipated. I've taken some daytime naps, which are unheard of for me, but really not many symptoms yet. I'm still on the progesterone so I never know what to attribute symptoms to anyway.
I just wanted to share my story so that maybe someone else will find some comfort in it. I know how difficult this journey is, and I know everyone always says to stay positive and that in the end it's all worth it... but it's true. Well, actually I think its ok to feel down sometimes and not be positive ALL the time. That's kinda unrealistic and hearing someone constantly say "You just have to stay positive!" Can make you feel frustrated, misunderstood and like your feelings are not legitimate. Its ok to feel sad and frustrated and even angry. Just try not to stay in that space and wallow for too long. I wish nothing but love and success to everyone out there going through the struggles of infertility. You are not alone and there IS hope!!