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Trying-to-Conceive Blog

All those big plans

I realized today that as of this cycle, it's impossible for me to have a baby before I'm 30. Not that that's a terrible thing, it just wasn't my plan, ya know? My plan was to have a baby at 27 and maybe another at 30. In my naive mind there was no way I would have a baby after 32 -- not me! I don't even know where I got these numbers. It's not like they mean anything. And I'm not sure why I was thinking about it today. Maybe just one of those passing thoughts about how sometimes things don't work out how we planned. Does that mean they won't work out at all? I don't know. Almost 4 years of this is enough to make anyone wonder, though. 

I meditate a lot these days. I pray a lot, too. The human spirit has a hard time sitting still. It takes practice to inhabit this moment and not feel anxious about all the ones that have come before it and all the ones that might come after. But the truth is you can't be anywhere except where you are. Breathe it in. Make peace with it. This journey's a long one and like a boat in a river, you can't skip ahead to the end, you have to travel the whole thing, regardless of how hard you paddle. 

Comments

I'm glad to hear from you. I feel vested in your journey. If I remember correctly, you were pursuing higher education...? I hope that is going well! :) So many people are having children in their thirties. It's nice to be a little more financially secure if that's an option. I know this sucks. I hope everything comes together for you.

Oh Spazzle, I needed that last line today. I lost a pregnancy last month and I'm 1 to 2 days away from AF my first post-mc cycle. I guess you could say I've been paddling furiously, using up all of my emotional energy on the what-ifs, desperately trying to will another pregnancy into existence. I don't think it's going to happen right now. That means likely taking a break, as well as giving up my hopes of having a brand new baby with us at Christmas this year. 

I know that I'm lucky. I'm able to get pregnant. I have a beautiful boy that I'm so grateful for, but gosh that draw to motherhood can be downright painful when things don't happen the way you hope and pray they will. 

I've been following your journey periodically since I was TTC #1 in 2014. I admire your strength and honesty. I've also been in some very difficult situations in my life and I know that having people tell you you're strong isn't necessarily a compliment. These challenges shape is, and strengthen us, but not because we chose them, simply because it's the hand we were dealt and we had no choice but to find a way through it. So maybe it would be better to say I appreciate and recognize your strength and the struggle you've been through. I hope and pray that your call to motherhood is answered somehow soon. <3 

Hey PM, how are your twins?!  No more higher education here; it is actually the fact that I financed my Master's degree that makes financing ivf a bad option for us. Hindsight right? I've got a lot of personal pursuits in my life, though, and I'm fortunate to say I'm surrounded by opportunities for fulfillment and happiness, just not motherhood I guess. I appreciate your keeping up with me. I actually almost posted a few months back -- I was going to submit for an ivf grant, filled out the whole 30 page app and wrote the essay, and at the last minute my (former) clinic refused to fill out the one page needed from them because I hadn't been there in 6 months, even though last time I was there he just said "come see me when you're ready for ivf", which I obviously cannot be ready for if I have no money. I was so mad. But, it led me to another clinic that is 3 hours away and I think is a much better option for me despite the distance based on their protocol, so at some point we may get more serious about that. Idk. We'll see.

Hey BeeCee, thanks so much for your sentiments. I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I hope you've been able to stop all that mental paddling, even if only for a little bit. We all deserve a rest, especially after everything else. I think maybe I'm doing better than when I posted, but I guess it depends on the day. I really wish you the best on your journey. 

I can kind of relate to the whole 30 thing.  I planned to have a kid by 30.  Life happened and I ended up remarried with a lovely step daughter.  I had my IUD removed almost two months before my 30th birthday.  I've been taught my whole life that as a woman the day I don't use birth control I will get pregnant.  Now on month three of ttc I know so much more.  I'm still hopeful we will get pregnant soon but in the process I am learning a lot about what other people are going through.  It helps so much to read other people's stories and take part in the support I've seen on several forums.  Ttc is a journey that is for sure. Lots of baby dust to you, I look forward to following and catching up on your posts.