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Trying-to-Conceive Blog

Cold feet

The conversation around ivf has always been "what if we do this and it doesn't work?"  But... what if we do it and it does? What if I regret having kids? What if I love my life right now and kids ruin it? What if I'm forcing something not meant for me and it all blows up in my face??? I generally do not like people's kids. Most people's kids suck. (Probably because a lot of people suck, and they breed sucky kids, but I digress.) What if I'm a shit mom? What if I'm essentially sentencing myself to a lifetime of being miserable and I don't even know it? What if it kills my marriage? I love my marriage! What if I die during childbirth? What if my kid turns out to be a serial killer? (Yes, I watch a lot tv, but IT HAPPENS. Every serial killer or terrorist or crap person has to have a mom somewhere.)

But really, what the hell am I doing? :(

Comments

Oh Spaz---This was/is me. I'm sure you remember my story from 3 years ago.  I never planned on having kids. I loved my child-free life and my relationship with hubs. I liked travelling and having no responsibilities outside of work, taking care of our home and our cats. I need "me time"; quiet time for reading and relaxing, just to stay grounded. I was terrified of how having kids would change everything for me/us, and that was my main reason for not wanting them (although like you, I was never a fan of other people's kids, either). But when my hubs became severely depressed b/c we didn't have kids, I decided to give it a go (at 40yo, no less).  It wasn't something I "needed" for me to feel complete in my life, but obviously it was for him.

I'm not going to tell you that everything after baby is perfect. It's not. A lot of the the things I feared have come to pass at a level 10-fold greater than I expected. I knew it would be hard, but the reality is brutal. Sleep? A thing of the past during the first year. Sleeping in? Yeah... I don't think that I'll ever get to do that again. Even if TJ manages to sleep past 7am, I still wake up early every day in anticipation of hearing him cry/make noise.  Stress on the marriage. Yup. But not necessarily in the way I expected...  Baby hasn't come between us at all, but we're both constantly tired, and there's no such thing as "me time" anymore, as baby requires 24-7 supervision.  Sitting on the couch, just relaxing and enjoying quiet time in the evenings is a thing of the past.  Trying to balance a full week at work and full-time mommy-duty is draining, and I really feel frayed/flayed as a woman these days (I"m actually contemplating taking some time off work b/c I jsut can't do it all).  Having a clean house?  Dream on.  We moved into a new house 2yrs ago, and I have yet to clean a bathroom. I don't have time. I get a cleaning crew to come in about once every three months for a day of cleaning b/c I can't do it anymore.  At least TJ likes the vacuum so it entertains him on the weekends for hubs to run the vacuum.  Running errands is a challenge--I either need to bring TJ with me (and be limited in how long we're out) or time all my errands around times when hubs can watch him, and still be home in time to feed him lunch. And let's not talk about Daycare.... but the reality is, he spends more waking time every week with the teachers at daycare than he does with us. :(

Now... that was my rant on the "bad" side of parenting. But that cute little smile and hearty laughs and warm hugs and watching him grow and learn are the payoff. Holding and smelling that warm wiggly body is like a drug. You don't want to let go.

Will everything change? Absolutely. In good ways and bad.  Is it the right thing for you?  Only you can tell.  But I have to commend you for taking a step back and asking these questions (or at least voicing your concerns). So many people are so focused on getting pregnant, they don't think about or plan for the after. I've watched several marriages break up due to the challeneges of TTC/infertility/eventual IVF and/or baby. Just keep lines of communication open with your hubs and make sure it's a joint effort/journey.

You can do it. You've wanted this for years. If it doesn't work, yes it will hurt, but you'll know you tried. If you don't try now, you will probably regret it. 

Hugs.  Best of luck!

Before I had kids, and was walking around scoffing at the idea of having them, everyone told me "it's different when they are yours". They ALL said that, a cookie cutter response, it seemed so fake, like they all read the same meme or something. 

I generally do not like other people's kids. Mostly I make mental notes of "If I ever have a child, they absolutely cannot do this, it's infuriating". I don't even like other people's babies. Want to hold him? No, no I don't. Thank you. Do NOT want them wiggling and crying. Or peeing on me, thank you very much. Pass. I was always astounded at folks that just dissolve into a puddle of emotion at the very sight of a baby - what is WRONG with them? Don't they know it will pee on them????

 

I was mostly terrified I'd HATE the infant stage, because of my intense dislike of other people's babies. I thought once we got to the toddler age, I'd be better - I like being able to communicate with them. 

But, here it is, I'm a mom. The infant stage was hard. But also not nearly so awful as I thought it would be. It turns out everyone was right, and it really IS different when they are yours. Heck, if it wasn't, we'd eat the little monsters, right? But it's different... when they are yours. And you don't mind quite so much when they pee on you. 

So anyway... I was also right - I like the toddler stage better than I do the infant one. My little man is 3 and half, and I never imagined loving anything or anyone this much. I love spending time with him. He's the most entertaining person I know. He's lovey, and cuddly, and funny, and goofy, and sweet. I didn't hate the infant stage, and he was a pretty cute little dumpling, but I like now better. I like now A LOT. 

I also have missed my me time, but you eventually get to the point where you can carve it back out for yourself, bit by bit. We now even sometimes have the energy to watch a show together in the evening, LOL. :) And bizarrely, in retrospect, the year and a half of almost no sleep is not such a long time. It sucked at the time, but when I look back it seems like a mere moment in time, a small and short scrifice for unimaginable joy. I still don't get to sleep in much - but I now look forward to the moment when our door slams open, and a tiny person clambers over me to snuggle in between us in the morning. The crappy parts pass, more quickly than you can imagine. 

And I think it's a given that if you have a child, you will sometimes be a crappy mom, because you will be tired, and impatient. But most of the time, you will be a fabulous mom, because you will want your little person to succeed, and to be the best they can be. Regardless of your parenting style and ability, that desire, to have them do well and be safe, that is all it really takes.  

You might conceivably die in childbirth, or due to preganancy complications, yes. But you might also get hit by a bus tomorrow, right? That kind of risk is low enough that it doensn't stop us from going out the door in the morning. There is risk in pregancy, but it's low for most people. 

There's no guarantees. Maybe they will turn out to be serial killers. Or maybe they will cure cancer. Or more likely, they will just be an average person, trying to do good in the world. One thing is for sure though, at some point they will make you laugh hysterically. 

Little man: Ouch! I hurt myself!

Me: How did you hurt yourself while sitting in my lap???

Little man: I hurt myself on those tiny thorns you have there, see, you have these tiny thorns on your legs?

(P.S. you will likely have less time and energy to shave your legs.)

Let me just add that eventually, you will get to sleep in! Yes, the baby/toddler years had me pulling out my hair on some days... but eventually, they become independent. 

Next thing you know, you'lol wake up on Mother's Day to breakfast in bed all made for you by your "not so baby anymore" baby. (Of course, then you also have to deal with pre puberty hormones!) -but that's another struggle! :) 

All in all.... yes, life changes, but it's worth it. Best of luck.

I think everyone has said it perfectly. My current situation is the babies want to eat whatever I'm eating even if they've already ate. They're constantly grabbing at my food! :D 

I find some kids annoying and others tolerable. A few are cute. But I love mine so I think it's true, it's different when they're yours. 

It is hard! I really had no idea how hard it was going to be.

BUT!!!!!!!!!!!

Nothing in this world has ever brought me as much joy as their giggles have. When they learn a new skill. When they wrap their arms around me for a hug. When they snuggle and then fall asleep in my arms. Watching them grow is such an honor.

There is a bunch of stress and BS when it comes to being a parent BUT IT IS ALL WORTH IT I PROMISE!!!!! Especially when you've struggled because you can really appreciate the miracle of life.

Let's get this IVF cycle going Ms. Spazzle!

;)

Thanks for all of your comical but down to earth responses. They made me smile. :)

I think my feelings stem from a lot of different things, but mainly I think it's that I have spent so much of the past couple of years trying to be happy with the eventuality of it never happening (and mostly succeeding!) that it's a little hard to let go of those ideas about how life could be. I also have to acknowledge that I get freaked out by big change (had a similar "what if" freakout before I got married, and time has solidly proven that was just a temporary and crazy paranoia about the unknown). Then part of me is scared to hope again. I think maybe my brain is hesitant to get on board with the baby thing bc it's like, "Wait, didn't we just get past this?" and then how hard it will be if we fail to switch yet again. Idk. I'm trying to take it as it comes. My first few months of ttc (before I spent all my time trying to figure out WHY we weren't pregnant) were spent researching and planning everything about actually having a baby, right down to a copy of my birth plan, endless cloth diaper and bf tip sheets, even the daycares I was considering. It's hard switching gears. I used to work in childcare, so I'm actually really comfortable with infants and toddlers, their development, daily care, etc, which is probably why I don't ever want to hold other people's babies lol. Once you know first hand what's involved with them they tend to lose their oohhh and aahhh magic and just become regular little people with a lot of extra bodily fluids. I know deep down I want it. I know we have to try if we hope to be okay with this forever. I don't want to wonder 20 years from now what could have been. It's all just hard on my emotions. Our appointment is only a week away. I'm kind of freaking out, can you tell? 

Anyway, thanks again. Congrats on all of your babies. :)

Well, not gonna lie. Having our son did ruin my marriage and I am now divorced. I had bad postpartum depression but lied to my doctor and said I was feeling great. I cried 24/7 and wouldn't even let DH sleep in the same bed as me. He had an affair when our son was 6 months old and our divorce was finalized a little over a year later (about 8 months ago now).  Prior to having a child we we're very happy and had been together for 8 years with no issues. It happens but I think the process you're going through has probably strengthened your marriage. But I do believe whatever is meant to be will be!

MrsK, I am so very sorry. I truly hope you've found what you need for happiness and peace in your life. ♡♡♡ Sending so much love your way.  

I think in many ways you're right. We've always been ride or die, but this fertility journey has definitely made us a special kind of connected. It feels like it will help us in the long run. 

Our ivf consultation appointment got rescheduled the day before it was due, and because we're coordinating with traveling from out of town, our next appointment is over a month away. I was pretty upset (understatement of the year). My husband was angry. But we got past it and decided to still go ahead with next month (assuming it doesn't get rescheduled...). I feel like we've been headed off at every turn with this, and that makes me feel like it is not meant for us and we're trying for nothing. But I think it could also mean it's just not meant for us *yet*. Idk. I wish I had answers. But I know I'm sure as hell lucky to have this guy I'm with. We already made a deal that if our (potential) ivf doesn't work we're getting another dog (to add to our very extensive 4 legged family). I hope and pray that no matter what happens, we'll be okay always. I know it'll work out, I'm just having trouble trusting it at the moment, if that makes sense.

Oh no! I can't believe it got rescheduled! Well... Yes I can. These places.are usually jam packed. I had many delays and had a meltdown pretty much everything single time. I didn't realize how busy they are. Blood work and ultrasound reviews, decisions on dosages, procedures, giving good news, giving bad news. RE doctors, nurses, embryologists can't call out. Our future depends on them. Yet they are only people and have limitations that sometimes require a day off. Honestly, it took me a long time to see it that way. I only saw my frustration, pain, and sadness.

I'm glad to hear that you have a back up plan. Another dog will take the edge off. But who knows what the outcome will be! I'm looking forward to hearing about your appointment!