Infertility Cuts Deep
Okay. I can't believe I'm even writing this post, but I need to sort through some feelings I'm struggling with so here it goes.
My best friend is pregnant. It was unexpected. She called me crying her eyes out. My heart just broke for her, and I supported her as best I could. It wasn't about me or my situation at all. This was my friend and she needed me, nothing else mattered.
However, as the days go on and I try to help her through the stages of how she's going to proceed, the more emotions I have about my own situation. Generally I've been in a very good place and am comfortable that we're trying everything we can but what will happen will happen. This has sent me into a few days of "what if, what if", and I hate it because it's so selfish. Her situation has zero to do with me. But we're very close and see each other daily, so I find myself wondering... What if she decides to terminate but I'm successful with our FET and she has to see my pregnancy progress and it's painful for her to think of what could have been, even if it turns out it wasn't the right situation for her at the time? Or in contrast, what if she remains pregnant and I am not successful, and it becomes painful for me to see her only a month ahead of where I would have been? Or what if she remains pregnant and I'm also successful? Will she resent that I have a support system and a husband when she's on her own? Will I be seen as a copycat pregnancy for those who don't know my background?
At the end of the day, none of these things matter. I pray she is able to do what's best for her and feel confident in her decision, and I know that she wants the best for me as well. We're very open in talking about everything, but we're only human: it's easily possible to be happy for someone but weep for yourself. Does any of this make sense? I feel like the worst friend in the world for these feelings. But they are just that -- feelings. It's all about how you choose to handle them. So for now I'm trying to process them in healthy ways: writing them here, praying, meditating, and yes maybe there's a good cry in my future.
If you have insight I'd love to hear it. If you think I'm a bad person please keep it to yourself -- trust me, I already feel like crap for even writing this down.
Anyway. The world certainly doesn't revolve around me and life goes on. I just want to be a good friend and not fall into depression at the same time. Just pray for us all.