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Trying-to-Conceive Blog

Infertility Cuts Deep

Okay. I can't believe I'm even writing this post, but I need to sort through some feelings I'm struggling with so here it goes. 

My best friend is pregnant. It was unexpected. She called me crying her eyes out. My heart just broke for her, and I supported her as best I could. It wasn't about me or my situation at all. This was my friend and she needed me, nothing else mattered.

However, as the days go on and I try to help her through the stages of how she's going to proceed, the more emotions I have about my own situation. Generally I've been in a very good place and am comfortable that we're trying everything we can but what will happen will happen. This has sent me into a few days of "what if, what if", and I hate it because it's so selfish. Her situation has zero to do with me. But we're very close and see each other daily, so I find myself wondering... What if she decides to terminate but I'm successful with our FET and she has to see my pregnancy progress and it's painful for her to think of what could have been, even if it turns out it wasn't the right situation for her at the time? Or in contrast, what if she remains pregnant and I am not successful, and it becomes painful for me to see her only a month ahead of where I would have been? Or what if she remains pregnant and I'm also successful? Will she resent that I have a support system and a husband when she's on her own? Will I be seen as a copycat pregnancy for those who don't know my background? 

At the end of the day, none of these things matter. I pray she is able to do what's best for her and feel confident in her decision, and I know that she wants the best for me as well. We're very open in talking about everything, but we're only human: it's easily possible to be happy for someone but weep for yourself. Does any of this make sense? I feel like the worst friend in the world for these feelings. But they are just that -- feelings. It's all about how you choose to handle them. So for now I'm trying to process them in healthy ways: writing them here, praying, meditating, and yes maybe there's a good cry in my future.

If you have insight I'd love to hear it. If you think I'm a bad person please keep it to yourself -- trust me, I already feel like crap for even writing this down.

Anyway. The world certainly doesn't revolve around me and life goes on. I just want to be a good friend and not fall into depression at the same time. Just pray for us all.

Comments

I think when you talk to her about the situation and she's thinking of how this will impact her long term, you can ask her how she will feel if you are pregnant... or not pregnant. Just try to put the emphasis on how she will feel.

You are being a great friend. My oldest friend dumped me when I got pregnant. She was so jealous, she didn't even congratulate me. Trust me, you are definitely not being a crap friend by having mixed feelings.

Thanks, PM. I'll consider it. I haven't brought it up so far because I don't want my situation to have any bearing on hers and I don't want to feel like I'm influencing her choice bc it's hers to make. BUT perhaps these are things that she could consider that might help her. I'm not sure. :/

Thanks, Singlemum. I'm sorry to hear that happened with your friend. I've been on many sides of the coin but it is always disappointing when a friendship can't withstand changes such as that. I hope you're doing well.

I just wanted to say I know exactly how you feel! It's very hard seeing someone you're close to experience something that you've been wanting for a long time. I personally have to stay off social media most times because I just can't take all the pregnancy announcements. I think the best thing you can do, is just be happy for your friend in whatever decision she makes and make sure to remain focused on your health and yourself at the same time.

I completely understand. Though my journey is different then yours it's been long and hard. I may not know exactly how you feel but I do completely understand. Your blog is fantastic. I love how you've used this blog to really give a window to your life. Good luck with your journey.