Menu Search Account

Trying-to-Conceive Blog

Some thoughts & feelings

I'm really struggling this morning, so here is my complete mess of thoughts and feelings without any organization whatsoever. 

It's hard not to get angry. Not at people, but at my situation, which can be triggered by people. It's hard to have a complete schedule of shots and pills and patches, much harder when you've got someone who reminds you multiple times a day that most people will never experience or understand that struggle. People do not understand. But it's such a catch 22 really, because often I don't want to share this very sensitive information but then I expect people to understand. And even when I do share people still don't understand. They say things like, "It'll happen!" Ultimate side eye. The road to my own personal hell is paved with the good intentions of other people. 

I'm going to have to be straight up about not being comfortable being exploited for all my knowledge about pregnancy. The people who know my situation know I have a very complete understanding of the entirety of human reproduction, but that doesn't mean I can handle daily questions about "Can I do this/eat this/etc now that I'm pregnant?" It's not that I don't want to be helpful, it's just too much for me, and eventually I'm just going to have to be honest about that. I don't know all of this stuff for my own curiosity. It's knowledge I've gained across many very difficult years. 

I took a walk. I took some breaths. I want to cry. I am only human. This is hard. Or am I just making it hard? I thank God every single day to even have the opportunity to try. Is it enough? Will it be enough?

After everything, will any of it be enough? 

I don't know.


Anyone who's ever done IVF ends up being inducted into a closed society. When you meet people who have gone through the process, you "get them" a little more, there's just more of a connection. Because no one can ever really understand what it's like unless you've gone through the process yourself. That being said, wtf is wrong with those people? How self absorbed do you have to be to ask a million questions about pregnancy to someone who has been open about their struggles. All I can do is shake my head. People are dumb.

Thanks so much, PM. You're right. I also feel like my sane mind knows these things, but sometimes I get overwhelmed and man if it isn't so hard not to drown in it. I actually feel a lot better. I'm sure some readers think I'm nuts -- I might think I'm nuts if I read some of these posts -- but it is helpful to put it all out there. I took a breather from people this morning (which is hard bc I work with one of the people who sent me down the rabbit hole). I logged off chat, didn't check my messages, just worked quietly. It helped. She invited me to lunch and I'm actually happy I went. I just explained that I want to be there for her but that some conversations are hard for me sometimes. She didn't bring any of it up the whole meal until I did, I think she knew something was up. So I feel like we both kind of got to acknowledge that we're each in difficult situations and establish a mutual respect. I know that often times people don't say things on purpose but you're so right... sometimes all you want to do is shake your head. It's hard to understand how they don't understand. Hopefully if I'm willing to be more upfront about my feelings with people they WILL better understand. I guess I can't expect anyone to read my mind, haha. I hope you and your babies are doing awesome!

I'm so glad you had that talk with her and found mutual ground. You can each respect that each other is in a tough situation. I think you should each give each other space. You are both in very different positions right now. There are many situations that you have described where the other people are 100% of the problem. You have a forgiving tendency and then put the blame on yourself. Maybe you're too emotional. Maybe your at fault somehow. Not at all! I would take the time to explain to the offenders that what you have and currently are going through is really, really tough. And you don't find their behavior helpful or comforting. At first they may not react well to this, because no one wants to be told they have done something wrong... or at least insensitive. But it will eventually sink in. And of it doesn't or they disregard it, then minimize contact asap. This is really how all of us should live. On another note, thanks for asking about my little ones. They are 18 months old. They are running and climbing everywhere and starting to form words. It goes by so fast!! Not every moment is magical, but I am greatful for them every day. <3 <3 <3

Omg that is so awesome and soooo crazy they're already that old! Wow! <3 I think you're right. It's worth it to stop shouldering the "blame" and suffering in silence. Over the past 6 months or so I've been more upfront and confronted a few people for their behavior. Some took it well, some not so much. But either way it has made me feel more in control of my own situation and lessened a lot of my stress, which is critical at this stage! Plus I'm sure this is good training for if I do become pregnant/have kids. It's not like people are suddenly going to stop trying to overstep or say inappropriate things, so at least I'm laying the groundwork now!