Fear, Frustration and the Future .. thoughts?
I made this journal entry today and suddenly felt myself feeling all alone. I started to wonder if anyone has been here before, and how you overcame feelings like this? There are a lot of emotions going on here, it starts off with the news of my best friend falling pregnant, followed by a spew of resentment towards my partner and where this relationship is headed. I would really love to hear how you dealt with your frustrations of TTC and the effects it had on your relationship.
Much love xx
I can only describe this feeling as a full body assult. It's like I've just been thrown off the ropes by Hulk Hogan and body slammed. Hulk then tag teams with Arnold Schwarzenegger who leans me against the ropes and punches me dead in the chest. This weight on my chest is actually not Arnold. When I feel like I cant breath, I think it's anxiety. It's wierd because in my mind I feel ok, but my body still feels the effects of being body slammed by 2 heavyweight strongmen.
One of my best friends, Jane, called me the other night and told me she was pregnant with Mike. They weren't even trying. I can't explain how amazing this news is because of 2 reasons. One being my resentment towards the universe because it seems everyone around me is falling pregnant. Aquaintances, family, friends, best friends. Sadly, the resentment clouds my mind so I cannot process this information properly. The news just hit that sweet spot of all my insecurities like BAM. They weren't even trying. The second reason being that the news is simply so incredible I'm not ready in my current state of severe self-pity to effectively absorb it for all it's greatness. It's like when you're in a pitch dark room, you open the curtains slightly and you're blinded by the glorious golden blazing sunlight. It's so beautiful, and I see that it's beautiful, but I just can't look at it right now. Give me a couple of days.
I didn't go into work on Thursday because I wasn't feeling well, germs were going around the office. Jane called me that evening and told me the news. I called in sick again Friday. I just didn't want to get out of bed. They weren't even trying.
Please don't misunderstand me, I was screaming for joy on the phone, and I meant it. I am not jealous or mad at her, I'm just mad and incredibly frustrated because of the situation.
My partner Jason and I quit smoking, so I got on the ice cream to ease my pain, and it felt so fucking good. I'm sitting here watching one of my fave comedy movies and I tell you, it's as good as medicine. So nice.
I am by no means playing the blame game....... but, I feel like Jason isn't pulling his weight when it comes to babymaking. I can't do it alone. If I could, it would be done, or I at least would have given it a solid attempt. Jason doesn't have the time. Ever. I am lucky if we try once a month. We didnt try at all June through to September. How can this be the man I spend my life with? If he can't be bothered to have sex with me, how can he possibly contribute to a flourishing, fruitful, lasting relationship? He simply can't. I don't even think he understands he has an actual active role to play in this relationship. He says he wants kids, but he does very little-to-nothing to get the kids. He knows how ovulation works and how important the timing is. My belief that men are critical to a childs rearing is really starting to die on me. I simply cannot foresee it playing out as a partership. I'm so over him right now. Sometimes I flirt with the idea of breaking this off. A bit of context, we have been together 5 years, have been TTC for 2 years, love each other dearly, and have always imagined we would grow old and die together. That sort of relationship. But I feel like I'm reaching that point that I have been at times in the past when I have decided to leave an ex. When he no longer seems to contribute. When my growth in this relationship has stopped, and my personal growth is stunted. When I feel like if I don't leave I will not become the person I want to be, instead I'll become some mediocre bitter housewife with a concave bob.
I thought I knew Jason, but now what I'm starting to see in Jason scares me. Yes he is a good man with a heart of gold, but we are young and still growing. I don't see much development on his behalf. Don't get me wrong yes he has grown, it's funny because sometimes when he speaks you would swear it were my words coming out of his mouth. So yes, he is capable of seeing things from my perspective, but I feel like we've come to a point where my thoughts/ideas/values are getting so far away from him like a steam train and he can't keep up. I am, and always have been, passionate about my views and too often he simply can't understand why I feel so passionately about certain things, and this, my friends, is when men start to zone out. I'm not always right, that's for sure, but I am open minded and forever evolving my views and ideas. This is me and always will be. I used to be embarrased by being this way in a relationship, but then I realised, it's 2018. Please don't get me wrong, I do not give him a hard time, I'm just a very naturally inquisitive person and he is the type that likes to switch his brain off at night (nighttime the bulk of the time of day we have together). It seems like hes growing tired of my conversations and just wants to zone out in front of the TV. I'm not ok with that zone-out thing that men do, not anymore.
Sometimes I say to myself, "I'm asking for too much". That voice used to be incredibly loud. "Just be nice". "Things could be worse". "Don't be too picky or you might end up alone". Alas, this is a new age and the voices are slowly disappearing. However, I do love him and I do want to stay, but I feel like this relationship is on a one way trip to mediocrity. I don't want to be like 1950's mum and pop!!!
After reading this back I realise that leaving my man is NOT what I want. I have just been feeling the frustration extra hard these past few days. How did you guys make it through the disappointment and frustration with your partners?