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Trying-to-Conceive Blog

First Pregnancy, First Miscarriage. Back to Square One

Hello again, fellow trenchmates.

Earlier this week at my 7 week transvaginal ultrasound the doctor saw the gestational sac but no sign of an embryo or yolk sac. I spent the next couple of days freaking out and obsessively reading everything I could about blighted ovum, not to mention ultrasound "mistakes." I basically went about my days toggling between thinking everything-will-be-ok, and intense panic.

Fast forward to yesterday morning, when I called my OB/GYN to tell her I'd started cramping and spotting brown clots. She said to head over to the ER because the hospital can get you your HCG blood test results within the day, unlike the OB/GYN folks who have to send them out and await levels for up to a week.

My partner and I spent 6 hours in the corner of the ER- which is miraculously fast by NYC standards. The staff even gave me an IV because they were concerned that I'd be dehydrated from losing fluids. My blood was drawn and eventually we went in for the transvaginal ultrasound. Before they performed the examination, the tech dropped the "probe" on the floor and then didn't clean it. We were like, "Could you please just clean that probe one more time?" And she said, "I just sterilized it a minute ago! I used bleach. It's strong, it lasts."  My partner and I just sat there laughing and crying at the same time at the lousiness of it all. After a certain point on the sadness spectrum you just laugh at the absurdity of it all (yes, the technician humored us and wiped down the probe again before they placed it inside my vagina).

The results of the examination and bloodwork (showing declining HCG levels since last week) all indicated an early miscarriage. Now I'm just waiting out the natural process because I don't relish the idea of any more "medical scenarios" than I absolutely have to go through right now. 

For any of you who have miscarried, how did you "get back on the horse" afterwards? I'm on the dark side of my 30's so I can't really afford to take my time at this point. I guess I should just go back doing to all the things I did to get pregnant in the first place: prenatals, softcups, acupuncture, healthy living, etc. But whereas before it all felt exciting and empowering, like I was grasping my fertility by the horns, now it feels like a task that may just as well result in another loss. How do I shift my perspective so that I'm not approaching this from a heartbroken place? Honestly, what would you do?