Back the the Old Drawing Board: Life After Miscarriage
Dear Fellow Trenchmates
Most of the posts I see on Two Week Wait in the section where I submit my blog entries are "fertility cure" spam which is major reader-deterrent (heads up TWW admin, time for some spring cleaning!) but even the 3 thoughtful comments users have left me- minus the ad for miracle supplements- have brought enormous comfort. So, here's my latest message in a bottle.
It looks like my natural miscarriage at 7 weeks is drawing to a close. There's now barely any spotting left when I wipe, though when I pee on a Femometer pregnancy strip a medium-pink positive line still stares back at me. This feels like insult upon injury, but I'm trying to stay kind towards my body since it doesn't know any better and is, for all intents and purposes, just doing it's job.
All told, the bleeding and intermittent contractions lasted for 8 days. I won't go into details about the "content" I "ejected," but an image Google of "miscarriage 7 weeks" conveniently reveals everything you'll never want to see again. The experience made me realize what a disconnect there is between how I visualize my body's functions and what they actually look like. The tidy, pink representations in textbook diagrams are just an illustrator's polite interpretation of our bodies' gory truth.
I took black cohosh supplements every few hours for the first couple of days of bleeding to help ripen my cervix, which really did speed matters along. I also took evening primrose and a homeopathic "women's balance" tincture in hopes of calming my furious hormones. Beyond that, I just tried to keep busy with work because the alternative of holing up and sobbing non-stop only made sense for the first couple of days, and after that I just wanted whatever taste of normalcy I could get. My partner and friends have been invaluable throughout this mess. They really showed up, and not everyone does in this life, you know?
The thought of starting our TTC journey again from scratch is not especially enticing, but I'll be damned if I give up now. Got my box of "fertility stuff" ready to go (as seen above) and am trying to see the bigger picture at this point:
- my body will return to it's unpregnant state
- ovulation is presumably just around the corner, and then another, and another...
- crazier things have happened in the history of mankind than getting pregnant and carrying to term following a miscarriage
Etc, etc, etc.
But there are some intense fears lurking in the wings too:
- what if the next BFP takes another year and then, wose yet, doesn't stick? Am I prepared to face the agony of miscarriage again, or possibly many multiple times?
- am I spinning my wheels for nothing? Could there be an undiagnosed condition in my body that led to this miscarriage and will lead to others? I did everything by the book, so am I an idiot for not barging into a reproductive endocrinologist's office already?
And, well, you get the idea. Doubt is a bitch.
It's hard not to be shell shocked in the wake of a pregnancy loss, but I'm in my late 30's so I can't exactly take a year off to contemplate all that's happened. I'll have to contemplate all that's happened while I actively try to conceive again. Yay, there's that eternal package deal: trauma and hope.
Bottom line, we women are warriors. We can- and will- survive anything.