Trying to Get My Husband Pregnant
Being in a heteronormative partnership and fascinated by seahorses (whose males carry their young to term), today I played a mental game where I tried to flip the script and imagined what it’d be like if *I* had to inseminate *him.*
Sure, he is a large hairy bearded man and has been my rock throughout our (in)fertility journey. It’s his job to take supplements and not ejaculate too terribly often and, when he does, to do so inside of me on the right dates. He’s dutifully done his semen analysis and held my hand at the hospital while they probed me, only to tel me that I was indeed naturally miscarrying at 7 weeks. He’s my ride or die. But what if I had to get him pregnant? What is that role even like for men?
Knowing what I do about my experience of TTC as a woman, if I turn the tables, the first thing that I’d notice is his browser history. If he were constantly gearing up in hopes of getting pregnant, I’d have to watch him spend hours a week googling all sorts of weird stuff on his phone:
•is seaweed harmful for pregnancy
•perfume and endocrinal damage
•can smartphone harm zygote
•masturbation and conception
•warm socks and fertility
....the list goes on.
I’d have to listen to him talk about how everyone we know has kids or has just gotten pregnant. He’d bring it up A LOT. As if it were something I could somehow control.
I’d have to watch him slink out of the room whenever people started talking about the latest arrivals in our families. I’d feel so bad for him, but probably also like I was left holding the bag while I had to sit there listening and nodding.
And I’d probably get pretty fed up hearing about how he’s 37 now. I’d be like “37 isn’t that crazy an age to get pregnant, you know,” and then he’d freak out at me because I wouldn’t have a uterus ticking away like Cinderella’s magic crystal coach about to transform into a waxen, motionless pumpkin at the fateful stroke of midnight.
I would just have balls and a wiener and I’d think, “Damn.”
Anyway, like I said, this is just a game a play mentally with myself. You know, for a broader perspective.
PS how do you respond to reader comments on this site? Does it suffice to to “@“ them?