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Trying-to-Conceive Blog

Venting

My heart is sore and I can't stop crying. Nothing is making me feel better. My husband held me but I still cried. My dog tried to comfort me but i still cried. I drank to numb the pain but I still cried. I took a shower and tried to focus on the positives in my life but I still cried. I know there is another time and God might bless us another time but I still cried. My arms are empty just like my womb. I really thought this month might be our chance to have a baby of our own but it wasn't in God's plan for us. I feel like a failure. Why have we been denied a child for so long? What did I do to deserve this? I feel like I'm being punished. My husband can sleep knowing we can try again, why can't I? Why can't my body do the most natural thing on this earth? It felt so real when my body wasn't acting normal. I knew it was finally our turn. Even after testing and getting a negative I kept my faith. I allowed myself to be vulnerable, I allowed myself to imagine being pregnant, I imagined telling my husband that after almost 6 years we were finally pregnant. I don't want to discourage anyone else from imagining and dreaming but for this moment I am all fear, pain, and heartbreak. My only prayer right now is to fall asleep and not feel this. 

Comments

Yep, this is us every month. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Please know that there are more of this out there and the senselessness of not being able to just make a baby (yet) is definitely one of the lousiest existential impasses a woman can hit. Somehow men just seem to be able to handle it better- in large part because it’s not their bodies playing out like a hormonal battle field, plus society reminds them constantly that *they* still have time. I know how heartbroken you are and that there’s not a whole lot to say in the way of comfort at this time but we just have to keep at it, hope against hope. Don’t deny yourself the very strong negative feelings you’re hainf- they’re natural and we have to get them out at some point to clear the way for the nest time hope decides to make an appearance (which, for better and for worse, it will)!

@ovary wizard: thanks for the support ♡. I know my husband means well and he was just trying to comfort me but he really didn't understand everything. He doesn't have the hormones, the abnormal hormone responses that made me feel like we were FINALLY sucessful, the feeling of what did I do wrong, the physical stress on the body that TTC causes, or the feeling that he is too old. I'm trying to keep my faith but I think I will need to take a break from TTC, emotionally I feel like I just had a miscarriage even though I was never pregnant.