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Trying-to-Conceive Blog

Venting

My heart is sore and I can't stop crying. Nothing is making me feel better. My husband held me but I still cried. My dog tried to comfort me but i still cried. I drank to numb the pain but I still cried. I took a shower and tried to focus on the positives in my life but I still cried. I know there is another time and God might bless us another time but I still cried. My arms are empty just like my womb. I really thought this month might be our chance to have a baby of our own but it wasn't in God's plan for us. I feel like a failure. Why have we been denied a child for so long? What did I do to deserve this? I feel like I'm being punished. My husband can sleep knowing we can try again, why can't I? Why can't my body do the most natural thing on this earth? It felt so real when my body wasn't acting normal. I knew it was finally our turn. Even after testing and getting a negative I kept my faith. I allowed myself to be vulnerable, I allowed myself to imagine being pregnant, I imagined telling my husband that after almost 6 years we were finally pregnant. I don't want to discourage anyone else from imagining and dreaming but for this moment I am all fear, pain, and heartbreak. My only prayer right now is to fall asleep and not feel this. 

Comments

@ovary wizard: thanks for the support ♡. I know my husband means well and he was just trying to comfort me but he really didn't understand everything. He doesn't have the hormones, the abnormal hormone responses that made me feel like we were FINALLY sucessful, the feeling of what did I do wrong, the physical stress on the body that TTC causes, or the feeling that he is too old. I'm trying to keep my faith but I think I will need to take a break from TTC, emotionally I feel like I just had a miscarriage even though I was never pregnant.