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Trying-to-Conceive Blog

Looking for a buddy - TTC

Hello wonderful ladies! I'm sorry if this comes off as cheesy (or creepy!)... but I'm looking for someone to be a virtual buddy during this long, frankly horrible process. This week has been one of the worst 've can remember in a really long time. To keep it brief, we've been TTC for about 8 months now, with no luck. I'm staring to lose hope :( but this month was especially painful because I took a test that looked faintly positive (prob an evap line - I will NEVER test early again :( so anyways, stupid me I allowed myself to get all psyched up (thinking about names, stalking Pinterest boards for nursery ideas, I am a legitimate psycho).... My period was officially one day late yesterday and I thought wow, this could really be happening. I felt like it was all too lucky to be true. The holidays are coming, I thought wow i might actually be able to tell my family right at Christmas time that I'm pregnant! What's worse is my husband's birthday is tomorrow and I was all excited to wrap up the positive test in a bow and find a cute way to say "Happy birthday You're gonna be a daddy!" -- well no such luck. I woke up early this morning with raging cramps, and sure enough, there she was. In the past few months I've only been midly disappointed and then moved on. But I don't know why this is different - maybe just the false hope. but i feel devastated :( I have no idea where to begin or how long to expect this to take now.....will we need drugs? Do i have a disease? my brain is flipping out and I'm even annoyed with myself, so i feel bad for everyone around me lol. it's been kind of a shitty past couple years. I lost two close family members within 12 months and was really hoping for something to cheer everyone up this month. I know it doesnt work like that. It doesnt just come when you decide the timing is deserved, or justified. But none of my friends are currently trying for a baby right now, so I have no one to talk to about this. What's worse is I subtly tried dropping the hint to my mom that I was struggling last week and she dismissed it....maybe because she doesnt want to accept that i mgiht be going through something like this. She's always been my best friend but I realize now I cant talk to her about everything. I just really feel low, and wish I had someone to (hate wording it this way, but) "commiserate" with. This has been the longest most harrowing two weeks of my life and I will honestly NEVER allow this to take over my mind the way I did this past month. I literally stopped thinking or caring about ANYTHING else. I was obsessing over symptoms daily. I was reading different articles and scanning myself day and night for signs. I was blowing off plans. I can't do this next month. I can't allow myself to become this shell of a person that only stands for one thing -- one thing that may not even come to fruition. I have a ton of other goals and worthy causes and i let them all drop every month when i start obsessing over being pregnant. I'm not saying I'm giving up hope -- gonna keep trying until it happens, just like all of you! - but I cannot let myself shrivel down to nothing during these dreaded two weeks ever again. It really was awful. Could really use a pal to keep tabs with and just generally chat (and complain) because I feel like I have no one else. My hubby is nothing by supportive but he doesnt fully get the mental spider web i get entwined in each month when im waiting and obsessing. It's not HIS body that's responsible for showing signs, leaving hints, etc etc...... so he can't possibly understand. If anyone wants to link up virtually and complain to me -- just know I am here, and could really use the same! Many hugs to all of you. I truly don't know how we do this, month after month after month. Women truly are a wonder and I guess the only positive thing to come of this (for me) is that I truly am in awe of how much strength and resilience we women are capable of. Proud to be a chick. xoxo! <3

Comments

I totally feel your pain girl. I also feel very alone on this journey. My sisters and friends have all gotten pregnant very easily, and as much as they are there for me they do not understand the heartache and pain that is part of this struggle. To give you some background on myself...we got married in June of 2016...waited a bit to start TTC so started in December of 2016. I really understand how you feel because it was around the same time that I started to feel very hopeless and worried. I feel like after the 6 month mark I was like ok why is this so hard? Fast forward to December 2017, after one year TTC we got pregnant! We were beyond happy. We ended up losing the baby at 8 weeks :( the months that followed were the worst and hardest of my entire life. That was February of this year. It took a couple months for my hormone levels to go down and a couple months after that to want to start trying again. We did 2 IUIs this summer...both failed. Now just trying naturally again as my heart and wallet need a break from the fertility stuff. You are not alone. Try not to let it consume your thoughts and keep enjoying your life. I truly believe that there is a plan for each and every one of us. Try not to be too hard on your husband...I've been there...everyone has a different way of dealing with things and I'm sure he is trying his best. I'm here if you want to chat

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Hey! I completely understand how you're feeling. My story is that I got pregnant super easily in February- we weren't even really trying. Unfortunately a week after getting a BFP I had a miscarriage. I was/am sad about it but I assumed I'd get pregnant again easily since I was actually going to start tracking. Here I am 7 months later!! Still trying. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong, unless there's something wrong with me. My cycles are regular. I get the positive OPKs and the temp raises. So why isn't it happening? I try to be positive. I even read self-help books about being positive lol. There for awhile I tried something different each month- like maybe taking maca root, or using this ovulation predictor kit, or trying every other day, or going on vacation and trying not to think about it, or whatever new thing I could find online. People love to say "quit trying and it will happen" umm that's not how it works. Also still trying to figure out how I just let it happen when my husband works an opposite schedule of me. It's so hard not to symptom spot and hope that this is the month. Don't beat yourself up about it- we've all been there. I'm currently in the TWW again. I'm having my normal PMS symptoms so I think AF will show as expected. Next month was my original due date and I thought for sure I'd be pregnant before it got here... All I can do is wait and see and keep trying. But girl its getting frustrating :(

thank you all for your comments! It's much easier having people who can relate. Well I was starting to feel positive again, but had my annual Pap and was told there were some abnormal cells :( so now I need a biposy, so my gyno suggested I put off trying for now until I get this dealt with. So beyond frustrating because it's ALREADY taking forever to get BFP and now I'm not even allowed to try for a while. It's so easy to feel discouraged and hopeless. I know you're supposed to stay positive but how the Hell do you do that with nothing to drive the positivity!? ugh. I am glad you all get it. So very sorry for your losses. I cannot imagine waiting all this time and finally getting a BFP, only to lose it :( Must be a pain that can't be described and I am so sorry! Hopefully you all know how strong you really are <3