Pregnancy & Motherhood Forum

by **B Michaelson** » Wed Aug 06, 2014 8:24 am

Is this something most people do, pick Godparents?

I have no idea who I should entrust my future kids to, should anything happen. My older sister listed my younger sister and her husband. We would pick them for sure but they are struggling to have kids and I don't want them to feel like they are just there for us to hand our kids to. Also if anything were to happen to both families I wouldn't want them burdened with a whole bunch of kids. So I feel obligated to pick someone else. I am a but stumped.

Do we leave this until they are older or should we pick before they are born, or at all?

by **shadypersephone** » Wed Aug 06, 2014 8:52 am

I don't have godparents but my husband does. And it's not that if anything happened when he was little that he would have lived with them in particular (he would have been kept with the rest of his siblings - they all have different godparents); it was more of a "family honor" than anything formal. Does that make sense?

by **Anne1981** » Wed Aug 06, 2014 9:21 am

I had godparents when I was a kid, as did my siblings, and like Shadypersephone said it was more of a family honor than anything. We all would have gone as a group to my Uncle.

But, my DH and I did decide on a family member whom we asked to take care of our kids if anything should happen to us. We actually picked two of my sisters and their hubbies, since we wanted a "backup" so to speak, in case one family was unable to take the kids. Both of them know that we've talked to the other, both are willing to take the kids, and I feel better knowing that in the bizzare chance of something happening to Dh and I, our kids would be taken care of by someone we trust.

by **B Michaelson** » Wed Aug 06, 2014 11:09 am

I don't have godparents either. I didn't realize people used it as an honour thing. I don't think it's much of a tradition here, but I assumed we should name someone to care for the child just in case. I guess it's just a terminology thing.

I have no idea who to name. My SIL is great but lives on the other side of the country and her kids are older. My older sister is sweet but they have totally different family values so it just wouldn't work for me. My younger sister, I wouldn't want her to feel pressured. My Mom and Stepdad are getting older and I don't have contact with my Dad. My BIL is a bachelor through and through and wouldn't be able to support a child and my FIL is also getting older and in no position to care for a child long term.

I'm not sure why I am even getting worried about this yet but I am. I know my kid(s) would be cared for by family who would step in at any time, but to name someone sounds so much harder.

I like the idea of having back ups and naming multiple people.

by **shadypersephone** » Wed Aug 06, 2014 11:52 am

Okay... I'm lame and wanted to know what godparents are really for... so I googled it. It's the person that sponsors someone for the baby's baptism. I had no idea, you guys. Like none.

I agree with wanting to name a backup and agree that I know that my kids would be cared for if something should happen. Naming that person seems more organized. But at the same time, I think if I'm naming someone for that purpose, I would REALLY want to ask them first. That's a big responsibility. To be honest, and since I've never had godparents (even though I'm baptized), I don't think I'll designate anyone.

by **breezy_boo** » Wed Aug 06, 2014 1:56 pm

Yes, from my understanding a godparent has nothing to do with who would take your child in the event something happens.
That is something you need to put in a will. And I think it makes sense to do is ASAP and you need whoever it's going to be to consent. If something did happen you wouldn't want family members being unsure of your wishes.
Unless you are baptizing your child there is no need for a godparent, their role is to be your child spiritual guide. And they definitely don't need to be the person who would look after your kid if something happened.

We are in a crappy situation because I only have one sister, who is extremely immature (she is 22) and who is in a very unhealthy relationship. And dh is an only child...so my sister is really the only one our child could go to. Our parents are too old to be raising another child. Plus neither of us really wants our child raised the way we were... My mom has serious mental health issues which my dad does everything to avoid (meaning I cared for her a lot as a child) and dhs parents have all sorts of crazy beliefs and were very hard on dh as a child...
It's a tough thing to think about either way. Obviously you don't want anyone else raising your child either way. Honestly, I would choose one person and talk to them. Whoever you feel will be most similar to your parenting is who I would go with. I suppose just be grateful you have multiple options?

by **shellsbellsxx** » Thu Aug 07, 2014 11:35 am

I am a god mother to 7... yes 7 boys! I swear they don't trust me with their girls

lol

in all seriousness, being a godparent is a wonderful role, i don't expect anyone to hand any of their kids over to be should, god forbid, anything happen to them, with the exception of both my nephews - i'd fight their father to the end of the earth rather than let him have them! It's lovely to know that someone trusts you enough to be such a special part in their child's life.

B - Honestly for me with my infertility being a god parent was a wonderful ask, like i say i have 7! To know these children will be a part of my life even if i never had my own, really was an honour. I wouldn't count your sister out just because your eldest sister already asked her.

Over here (UK) i believe the tradition is if it's a boy = 1 x godmother and 2 x godfathers, if it's a girl 2 x godmothers and 1 x godfather. However you can have have as many as you like and often people pick couples so have 2 of each.

by **B Michaelson** » Fri Aug 08, 2014 9:32 am

Ok I'm lame too haha. I didn't know that. I was never baptised and I am not even slightly religious, so I need a better word for this lol.

by **B Michaelson** » Fri Aug 08, 2014 9:35 am

Shells, good to know. I will talk to her. I just didn't want her to feel obligated to say yes and then feel like we only picked her because of her troubles. That is the last reason I would pick her. She is obviously the best choice because they are responsible, mature and caring. I know they will be amazing parents and would be the same for family should anything happen.

by **shellsbellsxx** » Fri Aug 08, 2014 9:50 am

I'm not religious, i've been christened, and i live my life by Christian values, but i don't go to church etc... But i want my children surrounded by kind hearted, loving people who would help guide them in the right direction

Nothing is legally binding in the ceremony about legal guardianship, that you put in a will x

by **Kodak2057** » Fri Aug 08, 2014 5:08 pm

I'm pretty sure that godparents are generally a religious thing, I don't know anyone who has them who isn't catholic. Choosing a legal guardian should anything happen to you is probably more what you're looking for.

by **Mamahen** » Sun Aug 10, 2014 8:34 am

Godparents are honorary - as has been explained. But if you want someone to take care of your children on your death you need to name them in your will with an attorney. Even then, after your death, the courts will go through a process to determine who is best equipped to take your children. Your preference as stated in your Will should hold a lot of weight with the courts, but it is not necessarily the final decision. This is something you should talk to your spouse about sooner than later.

Martha

by **Anne1981** » Sun Aug 10, 2014 3:51 pm

Wait... the courts get to decide who gets my kids?! I thought if we named someone it was a done deal! Don't the grandparents or other family get any say?

by **B Michaelson** » Mon Aug 11, 2014 5:34 am

Exactly why I want to name someone.

by **Mamahen** » Wed Aug 13, 2014 8:13 am

My ex (and my kid's dad) is a family law attorney. I tried to pressure him to write up a Will naming our next of kin in the event of both of our deaths while our daughter is still young. He told me that we *can* (and might as well) name someone in a Will/Legally. So if we both died, the courts would look at that and *if* it makes sense, they will go with your legal wishes.

But lets say you name the grandparents. But the other grandparents feel they are a better home for your kids. Or your brother's family wants to take your kids. Or let's say you name your best friends - but your Sister and her husband feel *they* should have custody of your kids because they are family. If someone else related to the kid contests the Will in family court, the Judge can decide to place the kid with the *best household* despite your wishes. Or so my attorney ex explained to me.

Your wishes, if you legally name someone, do have weight. But if someone in your family has an argument that makes sense, they could fight to get your kids. So my ex was kind of like "meh" when I wanted to write up a Will for guardianship... he kind of implied that in the end, "the best family" will be awarded with custody so we might as well just let it go at that. I'd still like to make a Will, of course.

Martha