Anyone else feel like their DH isn't that excited?

Anything pregnancy-related can be discussed here

Moderators: B Michaelson, southernbelle, jessm, 1daysoon, reapage, Honey Bunny, unaffected, maddy, TrebleLily, admin_fertilityfan

Anyone else feel like their DH isn't that excited?

Postby jeepgirl88 » Fri Jul 24, 2015 6:50 am

Well it could just come down to M/F differences, differences in how we express our feelings, or that whole idea that 'men become father's AFTER the baby is born' but I have felt more than a few times like DH just isn't that excited about having a baby.

I confronted him last week about this, after there was 3 or 4 incidents where I got super excited about something and shared it with him, and he didn't show much enthusiasm. Like when I told him I was looking into maternity/newborn photo packages and showed him a few photo ideas or when I was talking about painting the baby's room. He was just so 'meh' about everything. He wasn't even excited about coming to my last Dr.'s appt to hear the heartbeat, he said that seeing the hb on our first u/s was all he needed.

So finally I actually got upset, I was crying one day and said I feel like I'm the only one who is excited. He assured me that he is excited too, and said he just might not show it as much as me but that he has his moments. But he also said something like since I'm the one who is actually pregnant it makes sense for me to be more involved, he said its my time to shine and should be all about me. I don't agree with that! In my opinion we BOTH made this baby, yes I'm the one carrying it but we're going to share equal roles as parents and it should be about both of us.

He also said something about how later on when its time to decide things to do with schooling, activities etc. he'll be all there, but like he doesn't really care/want much part in all this baby stuff. It just makes me a little sad, I don't expect him to be a part of EVERY little thing or ecstatic about ALL the things I am but I just wish he wanted to be more involved. Anyone else feel this way?
Me: 28
DH: 32
Married 11/09/2013
DD Born 02/04/2016

Image
jeepgirl88
Star Member
Star Member
 
Posts: 293
Joined: Sun May 24, 2015 4:24 pm

Re: Anyone else feel like their DH isn't that excited?

Postby SarahCHW » Fri Jul 24, 2015 7:35 am

I am kind of the exact opposite situation! We definitely planned for a kid, but I've never really liked babies that much. Like age 2 and up, I love kids. Babies, just not so much. I am crazy nervous, because I know it will be different with my baby, but what if its not, am I going to be just biding my time until the kid is old enough to really communicate? (irrational fear is what pregnancy is for right?)

On the other hand my husband is super excited about baby stuff, he's been doing a ton of reading, researching, he thinks babies are just the cutest, while I'm all nervous about the end of our life as just the two of us...

Maybe your husband is thinking some of the same things. I don't really want to talk about it with DH because I don't want him to think any less of me, and I defintely don't want him to think I didn't want this. I really want to start our family and I am excited for our new life, I'm just also a little scared and you know emotional (hormones and stuff :)). I guess try not to let it bring you down. Its hard to imagine connecting with a baby when you never really have before, but I bet things will be different after the baby is here :)
User avatar
SarahCHW
Hot Mama
Hot Mama
 
Posts: 193
Joined: Wed Jun 10, 2015 5:17 am

Re: Anyone else feel like their DH isn't that excited?

Postby 90Kat » Fri Jul 24, 2015 11:55 am

I'm not sure exactly how far along you are, but, I do know that with my boyfriend, the first 20 weeks were like... There wasn't a baby in there and he didn't really care. Sure we had ultra sounds, yes I was having morning sickness and sleepiness, but it just didn't seem to be real for him. I was like you, so excited, with all these thoughts and ideas and things to say!! But he was just "meh" about the whole thing or constantly said "it's what you want..." In any case, I really started to think he didn't want the baby, he didn't care. I even had a melt down at our 20 week scan because he said "I don't know if I'll make it" the most hugely crucial gender reveal and he doesn't know if he will make it?! He obviously doesn't care!! The truth was, he meant he didn't know if he would make it early like I asked him too because he was at work. LOL well, I'm sorry I'm blabbing, my point is- at the 20 week ultra sound he and I are sitting there staring at the screen, holding hands and the ultra sound tech says "well, that is definitely a little boy" my stepfather turns to my boyfriend and says "congratulations man, you did a great job" and it turned my boyfriends world around. It suddenly became reality, he made that, he helped, he was going to be a daddy and there's was only 20 weeks left to meet his son!! I couldn't believe the eratic change in his behavior. And I'm now 30 weeks and he touches my belly, rubs lotion on me, asks me how I'm doing, how the baby feels, does he kick all the time, ect. Sorry this is such a long post. But I really hope your other half just need a little bit of time, and conditioning. Everyone adjusts differently and I wish you the best of luck!
90Kat
StickyDuster
StickyDuster
 
Posts: 76
Joined: Thu May 07, 2015 1:32 pm
Location: Alaska

Re: Anyone else feel like their DH isn't that excited?

Postby FrostedFuji » Fri Jul 24, 2015 12:34 pm

I really and truly feel this is very common because unlike us, they are not actually experiencing changes yet.

From a cultural standpoint we're taught from a very early age to love babies and expect to have them someday; that same message often skips boys. So while we're dreaming of having a baby later, they're just not because it hasn't been ingrained in them like it has with us. I've been realizing too just how much of my "baby knowledge" I've taken for granted, because DH literally knows NOTHING. That makes it even harder for him to imagine having a baby - because he can't look to the future and see what he'll be doing with her, since he has no idea what happens when!

Then to add to that, we feel the morning sickness, the expanding uterus, the flutters, the stretch marks, the RLP, the sore boobs, etc. etc. etc....they sit there and watch us feel it. I'll even admit that at times, when I'm NOT feeling something, it's hard for me to get excited as well because it really doesn't seem real. DH and I are finally in the stages of planning the nursery and registering, and it's finally TRULY hitting me that holy crap - we're actually having an actual real live baby!

So similar to you, I've also felt sometimes that DH isn't as excited as I am. I've just tried to be understanding and not push the matter. The more I've backed off, the more he's stepped up with his interests - he likes coming up with names, he and I actually had a lot of fun at Babies R Us registering because he learned a lot, he's really invested in what kind of crib we get. He just needed time to get excited on his "terms," so to speak - the things he can visualize and understand are easier for him to get excited about.

So my advice is don't sweat it, he'll come around in time, he just needs to see where and how he figures into all of this, and come to learn what he needs to know about baby, too :)
Fuji: 28; H: 29

Our first baby!
Willow Del, born at 37,5 on 12/8/15
5 lb, 7.5 oz; 18.25" long
Former code name Little Jedi

Image
FrostedFuji
Moderator
Moderator
 
Posts: 676
Joined: Sat Apr 18, 2015 5:52 pm

Re: Anyone else feel like their DH isn't that excited?

Postby skye skye » Fri Jul 24, 2015 12:45 pm

My DH is acting un-excited too...but I think it's because my last 2 bfp's turned out to be mc's. He's paranoid 8O Now he won't even go with me to dr appt's until I'm out of the first trimester! :doh:

I agree with Fuji about the whole experiencing changes thing.

Sarah - I'm with you girl. While we do want to expand our family, I too am just a little sad to see the "just the two of us" phase end...especially since we've only been married a short time. The only vacation we've taken as a married couple is our honeymoon! 8O Ideally I wanted to travel some before having kids - but with DH having known fertility issues we weren't really afforded that luxury. Heck, it took us over 2.5 years just to get here (ie: ONLY 3 pregnancies, 2 mc's and now this one). TBH - I'm not really looking forward to the whole baby stage either - I abhor diapers, projectile vomit, and sleepless nights. I'm really NOT excited for any of that stuff at all - I feel kind of bad saying that, but it's the honest truth. I'm also not looking forward to labor - or the fact that my body will be completely ruined after this. I think it's normal to feel all these things, it's a HUGE life changer having a kid!

Jeep Girl - I think in a lot of ways men are just like this. They are visual by nature, so since you don't have that baby in hand just yet - it's not really dawned on him yet. I really think that once baby is here he will jump on board faster than you know what hit you. Men are just weird like that. For women, our parental instincts kick in the instant we know we're pregnant. For guys - I don't think that parental instinct kicks in until baby is actually here. It's different for us - we actually GROW the baby inside us, it makes sense we're more bonded and in tune with things. For guys it just takes more to get them into that mind-set, they need the physical aspect of baby being here most times. I agree though - it can make things super frustrating when you feel like you're the only one going through this journey and DH is off in left field. My DH has been a complete butt about having to do more around the house since I can't (ie: litter boxes, trash, eating different/cooking, etc). It's like...um, I AM growing this kid - STFU and do your part. :lol: Personally for me - I want my DH to be more on board with picking up the slack at home without complaining and grumbling about it. But when it comes to dr appt's I'm more than happy to go alone - I'm one who enjoys privacy when it comes to doctor's visits. My DH just doesn't get a lot of medical terms, let alone pregnancy terms...so almost the whole time he'll be nudging me asking "what a gestational sac"..."what does that mean"...blah blah blah. I just find it ANNOYING. :doh: LOL...Another thing is my DH is SUPER high strung, he has a hard time controlling his emotions and tends to panic easily when he don't know what is going on (which is a lot when it comes to medical stuff). That being said, I'm VERY nervous about having him present for the actual delivery - I feel like he is just going to stress me out more than I need. I feel guilty! 8O
Image
Married 12-13-14
:bfp: 7-9-14 natural mc @ 5wks6d 7-19-14
:bfp: 1-18-15 EDD: 9-20-15
1st u/s 1-27-15: baby measuring 6wks2d :hb: 102bpm!!!
2nd u/s 2-17-15: No :hb:, baby stopped developing at 7.5 weeks-MMC - D&C 3/9/15
:bfp: 7-8-15 EDD: 3-13-16
beta#1 @ 23dpo=6720
beta#2 @ 25dpo=10521
u/s @ 6w1d :hb: 114!!!
u/s @ 8w3d :hb: 168!!!
u/s @ 12w4d NT scan great! :hb: 165!!!
u/s @ 14w6d TEAM GRAY!! (Ie: team blue sucks)
u/s @ 19w5d HEALTHY baby! :hb: 140
User avatar
skye skye
Angel
Angel
 
Posts: 590
Joined: Thu Jul 10, 2014 7:03 am

Re: Anyone else feel like their DH isn't that excited?

Postby jeepgirl88 » Fri Jul 24, 2015 1:50 pm

Hey Ladies, thank you all for replying :)

I'm only 12.5 weeks, so I do realize its still early, I'm just barely starting to show and it's too early to feel baby or anything like that. Even I still have days where I can't believe its actually happening, I'm lucky in a way that I had a very easy first trimester without many symptoms, but it also made me anxious because everyday I'd be like 'Is there actually a baby in there?' Being able to listen to the hb on Wed at the Dr.'s helped make it feel more real.

Skye, I don't think anyone actually looks forward to diapers, vomit, or sleepless nights lol. Although I remember after ttc for many months thinking I'll be happy to do it all. But honestly I'm kinda terrified myself because I have no idea what to do with a baby! Anytime I've even held a newborn it was scary. So I feel we do have lots to learn, and hopefully when DH and I are both ready we'll be able to learn together. I'm pretty terrified about the actual birth part too, but I'm trying not to even think about it until I'm further along. I'm in the opposite situation as you though, my DH is military and I'm terrified about him NOT being there for the delivery. I don't think I could do it alone!

On the bright side, even if he doesn't share my enthusiasm about everything, he said he'll pretty much agree to anything I want/want to do (except for names, he hates almost every name I suggest lol). Like even though he had no input about my ideas for a maternity photoshoot, he said he'll be willing to do whatever I want. So I guess that's good. And at least this way when he does get excited about stuff I'll know its for real and that he isn't just faking it because I'm excited.
Me: 28
DH: 32
Married 11/09/2013
DD Born 02/04/2016

Image
jeepgirl88
Star Member
Star Member
 
Posts: 293
Joined: Sun May 24, 2015 4:24 pm

Re: Anyone else feel like their DH isn't that excited?

Postby Artemis » Fri Jul 24, 2015 2:23 pm

Honestly, it's a guy thing lol. Men express themselves differently than women in all emotions, including excitement! Listen to your heart, feel down you KNOW he's just as happy and thrilled as you are :) The nonchalant responses are simply his way of saying he's happy with whatever your happy with. My husband was the same way with our wedding plans, and I just registered with a girlfriend because again he honestly had no opinion on what type of stroller or pack n play to register for..not because he didn't care but because he wants ME to have what I want for our baby. He's said that he trusts my judgement and I'm going to be the best mommy so it's whatever I think is best. Happy wife, happy life right?! Lol. Once your belly starts getting bigger and you can put his hand where the babe is karate kicking you and he can feel it, it will become real to him. Men need visual stimuli (for everything lol) where as women who are pregnant are physically and emotionally bonded from day 1 of the pregnancy. We carry the child for 9 months and connect with it on a deeper level. When baby is born, dads finally get a chance to physically & visually connect with the baby. It'll be a complete 180 I promise :)
Me: 27 DH: 26
Married Dec '13

OUR FIRST BABY

BFP April '15
EDD: New Years Eve

WATER BROKE 12/1/15 @35+5 weeks. Trip was born via emergency c section after 12 hours of induced labor.

Born 12/1/15 at 7:45pm.
5lbs 13oz and 21 inches.
No NICU time. We are blessed!
Artemis
Star Member
Star Member
 
Posts: 293
Joined: Fri Apr 24, 2015 4:05 pm

Re: Anyone else feel like their DH isn't that excited?

Postby casi7787 » Thu Jul 30, 2015 5:36 am

Just yes. :/
Me-28
DH-38
Married-5/1/15
DD-8/2006 & DS-6/2008 (mine from a previous relationship)
DS-3/1995 & DD 11/2000 (DH's non-biological children he helped raise in a previous relationship)
Have his DD some weekends
MC-1/2006 (DD's wombmate/s-natural multiple pregnancy)
MC-9/21/2013 4-5 weeks
TTC#3-since wedding-DH's 1st

Image
My Ovulation Chart

Image
Image
User avatar
casi7787
Star Member
Star Member
 
Posts: 389
Joined: Wed Jul 01, 2015 7:09 am

Re: Anyone else feel like their DH isn't that excited?

Postby Yelibaby » Thu Aug 06, 2015 9:24 am

I understand that men are different than women, and of course, they are not the ones with the baby inside, causing havoc. However, I don't approve of them being disconnected and aloof and miss the whole pregnancy part of having a kid.

I think they should be a part of the decision making, they should go look at strollers, because they are going to be pushing them as well, they should have a say on the nursery, they are going to be spending time in there with them. We all know that when baby comes, they will become the fathers they were meant to be, but they will have missed the development of that life.They have to go to Drs app, be in the delivery, see and learn what it all entails, what we go through to give him that child. They can't just knock you up and then only be there to pick up the baby and proclaim it as theirs (enter Lion King scene).

We can't let them miss this part, so it's our job to guide them through it, taking into account each dhs particular personality. Maybe picking out the shade of blue or coral or decor is not something you can reasonably expect him to be involved in, but you can definitely ask his input on furniture, he has some lifting and setting up to do, he should know what he's building (even if not, he should be supervising it), painting is a project he can be in charge of, doctors app is a must. Anyhow, you get the picture.

With this being said, I trust they will slowly come around, and we have to understand that they will never be as excited as us, but it's ok as long as you feel supported and that he is there for the both of you, even if it's in his own way.
Me: 31
DH: 29
TTC #1 since OCT 2014. After 1 year Nuvaring.

BFP Feb. 15, 2015 - MC at 7 weeks
BFP Apr 2015 - cp
BFP May 24th, 2015 (My bday - 9dpo)

Image

Beta 10dpo - 35// 12dpo - 100// 14dpo - 255// 17dpo - 1186.4// 21dpo - 7763.4

Progesterone 10dpo - 56.4 (oral progesterone)
Progesterone 14dpo - 61.3 (vaginal supplements and shot)

Please be my rainbow baby!!
Image
Yelibaby
Addicted
Addicted
 
Posts: 799
Joined: Wed Feb 18, 2015 8:53 am

Re: Anyone else feel like their DH isn't that excited?

Postby amlobo » Thu Aug 06, 2015 9:59 am

I was really upset about DH's lack of enthusiasm early on. He had no interest in hearing updates about the pregnancy/baby, and I basically had to pick out everything myself for registries/nursery/etc. But, I found small ways to get him involved. I asked for his input when deciding between car seat colors or nursery rugs, for example. He seemed fine with giving input on those little things once I narrowed them down. And, he went to tour daycares with me.

Once I got a real belly, he got a lot better! He started worrying about me more and being more protective and sensitive to the pregnancy. And, once our LO became really active, DH finally started wanting to feel him move. He was very picky on names, but we found one we liked, and DH will talk to him in there and use his name. Now he likes to rub my belly more, and he hasn't complained TOO much about helping with the nursery ;)

So, hang in there! He will probably get better as time goes on. We definitely planned this baby, and we had a loss previously, so I had hoped DH would be more "into" the pregnancy than he was in the beginning, but I can tell he is really warming up and looking forward to the little guy's arrival.
Me (Amanda): 31
DH: 32

July 2014: Missed M/C at 11 weeks, measured 7w4d
January 2015: BFP at 9dpo, EDD 9/19/15

DS born via c-section 9/20/15 - 8lb 9oz, 21 inches :)
amlobo
Star Member
Star Member
 
Posts: 311
Joined: Thu Jan 08, 2015 11:52 am

Re: Anyone else feel like their DH isn't that excited?

Postby jeepgirl88 » Thu Aug 06, 2015 10:37 am

Yeli, I think you make a good point. I can't just expect him to be excited about everything on his own, (like he probably wouldn't be the one to say 'Let's go baby shopping!') but yet if I ask him to go with me he can be there to share his input. We actually went to the city this weekend and looked at BabiesRUs and I was pleasantly surprised at how much input he gave about stuff. He thought he Pack N Play's were really cool and that we should definitely get one and he had opinions about the different types of strollers. I also found a change table and crib last week from an online classified site and when I told him I was going to go look at them he said he wanted to go together :D

I think he's really starting to come around and getting more excited now that I'm in the second trimester too. He does have his moments of fear (like the day I was wearing a tighter top and he said I looked pregnant and that it was making his heart race really fast lol) but I think that's normal. He's starting to talk more about the baby/pregnancy at least and he will even ask me every so often what size fruit baby is now.

He won't be coming to every single Dr.'s appt because they're pretty routine and he's so busy at work but I made sure he knows about our big 20 week u/s coming up next month so he can be there for that.

DH also has a close friend whose gf is due just 1 week after me, and I think he's really excited about him and his friend having babies together. The other day he said 'Joel and I can take the boys fishing!' and I laughed because we don't even know if it's a boy yet, but I thought it was cute.
Last edited by jeepgirl88 on Thu Aug 06, 2015 10:39 am, edited 1 time in total.
Me: 28
DH: 32
Married 11/09/2013
DD Born 02/04/2016

Image
jeepgirl88
Star Member
Star Member
 
Posts: 293
Joined: Sun May 24, 2015 4:24 pm

Re: Anyone else feel like their DH isn't that excited?

Postby Yelibaby » Thu Aug 06, 2015 10:39 am

That's great Jeep! That's exactly what I mean. Mine doesn't go to every doc app either, I just meant the important ones.
Me: 31
DH: 29
TTC #1 since OCT 2014. After 1 year Nuvaring.

BFP Feb. 15, 2015 - MC at 7 weeks
BFP Apr 2015 - cp
BFP May 24th, 2015 (My bday - 9dpo)

Image

Beta 10dpo - 35// 12dpo - 100// 14dpo - 255// 17dpo - 1186.4// 21dpo - 7763.4

Progesterone 10dpo - 56.4 (oral progesterone)
Progesterone 14dpo - 61.3 (vaginal supplements and shot)

Please be my rainbow baby!!
Image
Yelibaby
Addicted
Addicted
 
Posts: 799
Joined: Wed Feb 18, 2015 8:53 am


Return to General Pregnancy Board

cron