A unsupportive partner

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A unsupportive partner

Postby Duke27 » Mon Aug 03, 2015 5:29 am

Hi everyone,
As you might already know I found out I'm pregnant a few weeks ago which means I am now 8 weeks. My partner was so happy at first and was really excited (we had been trying). He's completely changed his attitude and is beginning to freak out. I'm so worried he has told me he's not ready and that were not ready financially. I don't get it this is something we both wanted. Sorry if this is a touchy subject for anyone but he has told me I need to get a abortion, I am horrified, devastated, heartbroken. This baby who we have both desperately wanted he has now told me to 'get rid of' as he puts it. I saw the heartbeat last week and it was incredible, my love for this baby is unconditional already and I couldnt do anything like that. He keeps literally almost crying to me, telling me he can't cope saying that he doesn't no what to do. I am so scared, I think he will leave me if I don't go through with it, so I'm going to be a single mom.

Ladies, if you have any advice please help. I am so scared, worried, alone and I think I'm going to be a single mom. It has been such a rollercoaster trying to conceive and after everything we've been through together it all comes down to this. I can't believe it. Would someone who is supposed to care for you give you an ultimatum? It's me or the baby :-( my heart is broken.

Thank you for your kind words and support. You have all been so great to me throughout my journey.
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Re: A unsupportive partner

Postby Artemis » Mon Aug 03, 2015 7:04 am

I'm so sorry! First, let me say you're not the only couple to experience this kind of anxiety. Yes, having a child is a blessing but it's a big change in every aspect of your life...emotionally, financially, and dynamics of relationships will change with everyone around you. It can be both exciting yet overwhelming after the excitement wears in and the "OMG how can I do this?!" starts sinking in. That said, understand that your husband is terrified, although his words are unacceptable to me!! But.. It's completely normal to be scared. I suggest you two get together and speak with someone you both can trust emotionally about the situation. A pastor? A family member? Therapist? Your physician should be helpful as well! Not only are they there for you and your baby's physical health, they also care about the mental wellbeing of the family, so speak with them if you can't confide in anyone else about your worries and scares. They will at least be able to recommend someone professional for you two to speak with. Sometimes all it takes is just a simple push of communication to break down the anxiety!
I hope you two work it out!!
Last edited by Artemis on Mon Aug 03, 2015 8:47 am, edited 1 time in total.
Me: 27 DH: 26
Married Dec '13

OUR FIRST BABY

BFP April '15
EDD: New Years Eve

WATER BROKE 12/1/15 @35+5 weeks. Trip was born via emergency c section after 12 hours of induced labor.

Born 12/1/15 at 7:45pm.
5lbs 13oz and 21 inches.
No NICU time. We are blessed!
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Re: A unsupportive partner

Postby aboulanger » Mon Aug 03, 2015 8:39 am

I don't have any kind words (besides I'm sorry you're going through this) because if my husband told me that, he'd have been packed up and moved to his parents that very night.

I'm sure others will have actual useful responses for you, but I had to get that off my chest
#2 due 8/2017

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Re: A unsupportive partner

Postby Duke27 » Mon Aug 03, 2015 10:09 am

Thank you both for your support. It's such a horrible time :-( it's meant to be exciting and scary and an amazing feeling! It's completely ruined and I find myself so alone with this man that doesn't care about my feelings and what I would have to go through. He's being so insensitive. :-( he has told me he won't go to see anyone to talk to about this.
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Re: A unsupportive partner

Postby Duke27 » Mon Aug 03, 2015 10:17 am

Aboulanger - I feel like doing that but I'm not strong enough. It would just be me here all alone, my sisters away on vacation and I wouldn't have anyone here with me. I know this sounds silly but I'm so anxious and scared and this has made it so much worse :-(
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Re: A unsupportive partner

Postby Artemis » Mon Aug 03, 2015 11:10 am

If he can't compromise with you to speak with someone for advice and to fix anything then he isn't much of a man or father to be IMO. You and your baby don't need that kind of negativity around. Do you have any friends you can invite over if you decide to ask him to leave? They can keep you supported until your sisters get home. I'm so sorry!
Me: 27 DH: 26
Married Dec '13

OUR FIRST BABY

BFP April '15
EDD: New Years Eve

WATER BROKE 12/1/15 @35+5 weeks. Trip was born via emergency c section after 12 hours of induced labor.

Born 12/1/15 at 7:45pm.
5lbs 13oz and 21 inches.
No NICU time. We are blessed!
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Re: A unsupportive partner

Postby Duke27 » Mon Aug 03, 2015 11:36 am

I still can't believe this is happening :-( he's just told me that he's booked me in on Wednesday for a consultation at an abortion clinic. I'm absolutely Horrified!
I've lost contact with most of my friends, and to be honest they lead there own lives (recently got engaged etc) and feel as though there not that interested, they never reply to my texts or calls. I feel so alone. He keeps telling my I'm stupid and can't do anything :-( I'm so worried that I'll lost the baby and then be left without anything.
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Re: A unsupportive partner

Postby mandylgibbs » Mon Aug 03, 2015 11:41 am

You need to find somewhere to go IMMEDIATELY. This behavior is absolutely unacceptable in my opinion. You absolutely cannot stay in that environment. I don't know how else to put it.
Me 30, DH 28, DD- 14, DS-10, DD-3
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u/s 6w 4d - 145 bpm!! Measuring a few days behind * u/s 11w 3d- 158 bpm! Measuring perfectly * Doppler 15w 6d- 155 bpm*17w 2d- 148 bpm- IT IS A PERFECT BABY GIRL!! *Aspen Violet*19w 6d- 145 bpm-Anatomy scan. Measures in 76th percentile.*23w 6d- 150bpm-healthy,active baby girl.
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Re: A unsupportive partner

Postby aboulanger » Mon Aug 03, 2015 12:01 pm

mandylgibbs wrote:You need to find somewhere to go IMMEDIATELY. This behavior is absolutely unacceptable in my opinion. You absolutely cannot stay in that environment. I don't know how else to put it.


Ditto. I would rather feel unsupported and leave for the sake of my unborn child then to stay and possibly lose it. I'd go anywhere else and figure out getting somewhere permanently then to stay in that situation.
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Re: A unsupportive partner

Postby Duke27 » Mon Aug 03, 2015 12:59 pm

I agree that's the right thing to do but it's hard when its you in the situation.
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Re: A unsupportive partner

Postby Artemis » Tue Aug 04, 2015 6:06 am

Leave. You're a mommy now. Your number one priority of protecting your baby.. Put on that tough skin for that precious unborn baby of yours and pack your bags. Stay in a motel if you need to until your sisters get back. Pay with cash so he can't find you, you can even check in under an alias. This went from being what I thought was a scared father to a complete psycho to me, if get out as soon as I can!!
Me: 27 DH: 26
Married Dec '13

OUR FIRST BABY

BFP April '15
EDD: New Years Eve

WATER BROKE 12/1/15 @35+5 weeks. Trip was born via emergency c section after 12 hours of induced labor.

Born 12/1/15 at 7:45pm.
5lbs 13oz and 21 inches.
No NICU time. We are blessed!
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Re: A unsupportive partner

Postby jeepgirl88 » Tue Aug 04, 2015 8:13 am

When I first read this I thought maybe your partner was just going through the normal anxiety that a lot of father's to be have. My DH has had a few freak out moments as well, especially now that I'm in the second trimester and starting to show. The other day he said 'Omg you look pregnant, it's making my heart race really fast!' and then he said 'What have we done!?' We were also ttc for awhile and I was like, 'Hey, if you weren't ready you had lots of time to speak up before!' He actually mentioned the abortion thing once too but as a joke, I got really mad saying that it wasn't funny AT ALL to even say that. Overall though he is very excited and supportive, he just has moments of fear. I thought maybe it was the same in your case, but then I read where you said he actually booked you into an abortion clinic. I'm so sorry :(

If you actually feel you still love him after this I would talk to him one last time, ask him why did he want this before and was so excited in the beginning and is now asking you to do something so horrible and 'get rid of' the baby. Make it clear that you will not do that and that you will leave. I hope you can find someone to help you through this difficult time. *Hugs*
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Re: A unsupportive partner

Postby SaSears » Tue Aug 04, 2015 9:24 am

Baby or no baby, those things he is saying to you are emotional abuse. Being demeaning, insulting, and threatening are absolutely NOT acceptable. Especially in this type of a relationship. At first I also thought he was just freaked out and would come around. Sadly, though, it just sounds like this situation has just caused his true colors to come out.

I am absolutely heartbroken for you. For your sake alone, I would recommend packing up and finding a safe place to stay. For the life of your sweet baby I would suggest it happen before that appointment. Don't listen to what he is telling you. You're not stupid and you CAN do hard things. We are all here for you, girl!

Maybe try calling up a family member. Someone may even throw down money for a plane ticket so you can get away for a few weeks and just have time to process away from all the craziness.
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Re: A unsupportive partner

Postby Duke27 » Tue Aug 04, 2015 9:31 am

Thank you ladies, you've all really helped to put this into perspective. It's got worse today, we were up all night arguing and I'm so exhausted. The appointment is tomorrow and I hope to leave overnight. I'll need you all on here more than ever, Thank you all x
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Re: A unsupportive partner

Postby HighlandGamesGirlCO » Tue Aug 04, 2015 9:33 am

Having been in abusive relationships before, I can tell you one thing is 100% certain - ANYONE who does not respect your wishes and doesn't just ignore them, but oversteps them...who takes complete control by booking you a consultation at an abortion clinic DOES NOT LOVE YOU. Actions speak so much louder than words, and his are SCREAMING. It is likely to only get worse. Are you going to subject not only yourself, but your unborn to his behavior? What if he stoops so low as to beat you up or push you down a flight of stairs in an attempt to make you lose the baby, and possibly really hurt you in the process? Are you willing to take that chance?

I know what it's like to be in that type of situation - you feel no one understands what's REALLY going on, and you love him, and you're confused and hurt and scared, and you don't understand why suddenly it's all gone so wrong and is spiraling out of control at a scary rate. You feel weak and powerless. I get it - but this man is trying to KILL YOUR BABY. If it were me - he would be lucky to be able to walk away...most likely, he would be carted off in an ambulance.

Find a women's shelter. Call the police and have them be present while he packs up and leaves. Call his mother and tell her what he has done. SOMETHING. This behavior is unacceptable, and no matter how scared you are, you have to find it within yourself to protect yourself and your baby. There is simply no man more important than you, and definitely none more important than your baby.
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