Gender disappointment anyone??

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Gender disappointment anyone??

Postby skye skye » Mon Sep 21, 2015 6:55 am

Okay - so I just had an early gender scan a couple days ago. I was PRAYING for a little girl, but instead was told that it's a boy. I am beyond devastated at the news and spent literally all weekend in tears. I went alone to the scan because I felt that I needed to know the news before DH and everyone else to "prepare" myself in the worst case of being told it's a boy. As of right now the only people who know the gender are my sister (whom I called literally as I left the appointment), and my mom - who managed to get the information out of me when I went to visit her after the scan. Originally I had not planned on telling mom, but she sensed something was wrong and asked what was up until I spilled the beans. She then proceeded to scream and yell at me about what a horrible person I am for even feeling the way I do. :mad: Honestly I had not planned on telling anyone about the scan, EVER. But because of the news and me being upset, I needed to reach out to someone - that's why I called my sister. Thankfully my sister was completely understanding - but my mother on the other hand, not so much. Despite my sister being sympathetic, I feel SOO alone in all this - it's more than just disappointment, I literally feel like a part of me died. Has anyone else experienced this feeling of loss and mourning due to gender reveal not going the way you wanted? Please tell me I'm not alone....
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:bfp: 1-18-15 EDD: 9-20-15
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2nd u/s 2-17-15: No :hb:, baby stopped developing at 7.5 weeks-MMC - D&C 3/9/15
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Re: Gender disappointment anyone??

Postby FrostedFuji » Mon Sep 21, 2015 8:18 am

Oh Skye, I'm so sorry this is hard for you. I can't say I've been there, but I'm confident you're not alone.

I don't think there is anything wrong with what you're going through. You're not rejecting the beautiful son you're going to have; you're grieving the daughter you're not having. Until this point, there were still two possibilities for what your future child was going to be, and you were really hoping for one of those. That is totally okay, even normal.

The only advice I have is to allow yourself to grieve this. Talk to people you know who will understand, and leave out those who don't or can't. Stuffing it down because you "should" can hurt your relationship with your son. I really think that letting yourself grieve not having a daughter now will let you move forward and wholly embrace your son.
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Re: Gender disappointment anyone??

Postby HighlandGamesGirlCO » Mon Sep 21, 2015 9:26 am

I didn't quite have your experience, but I had something along those lines.

When I first saw 2 pink lines, I felt in my heart I was having a girl. When they did the cell-free DNA test at 12 weeks, I was told it was a boy. I shrugged and accepted it, and started deeply falling in love with the idea of a son. I bought lots of boy stuff, we started calling him by name, everything. Then at the anatomy scan, we all saw a very obvious and unquestionable vagina. I was still happy, because I knew it all along deep down, but it took me a few days to get used to the idea. I shed a few tears, and put away all the obviously boy clothes I had gotten and processed it all. I had gotten so used to the idea of having a son that yeah, it was a tiny bit like a part of me died...but after a couple days I was ok, and I started getting a few girl things and anticipating the arrival of a daughter instead. Now I am totally into it again! :)

Boys are AWESOME. It will be a totally new experience for you and you will rock it. :)
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Re: Gender disappointment anyone??

Postby skye skye » Mon Sep 21, 2015 10:47 am

Thanks for the replies girls. Yeah, it is a rather difficult time for me. See I never dreamed of having or even considered the possibility of having a boy - for me I always have wanted a girl. When I saw the two lines I instantly fell in love with the idea of a DAUGHTER...pink and girl stuff, we picked the name out (well had that done already from previous MC). It really does feel like a piece of me died :roll: I think it's the idea of the daughter I wanted dying - because now that isn't happening. I think for me the hardest thing is having to think about the fact that this may be our ONLY child ever. DH has known fertility issues and it's taken us almost 3 years to get where we are now (after two losses). That being said, there may be the chance that it's not physically possible for us to have more. It just kills me thinking that I may NEVER get the little girl I've always wanted. 8O
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Married 12-13-14
:bfp: 7-9-14 natural mc @ 5wks6d 7-19-14
:bfp: 1-18-15 EDD: 9-20-15
1st u/s 1-27-15: baby measuring 6wks2d :hb: 102bpm!!!
2nd u/s 2-17-15: No :hb:, baby stopped developing at 7.5 weeks-MMC - D&C 3/9/15
:bfp: 7-8-15 EDD: 3-13-16
beta#1 @ 23dpo=6720
beta#2 @ 25dpo=10521
u/s @ 6w1d :hb: 114!!!
u/s @ 8w3d :hb: 168!!!
u/s @ 12w4d NT scan great! :hb: 165!!!
u/s @ 14w6d TEAM GRAY!! (Ie: team blue sucks)
u/s @ 19w5d HEALTHY baby! :hb: 140
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Re: Gender disappointment anyone??

Postby SarahCHW » Mon Sep 21, 2015 2:31 pm

Skye, though I absolutely hate to admit it, I really really really want a little girl. I pretend its ok if it doesn't happen to everyone else, husband included (he also wants a girl and it makes it so so hard to talk about this with him). I felt like I was having a girl, I mean it seems everyone in January has crazy morning sickness :). I was sad when I found out it was a boy. I hated myself for being sad. I have a healthy little boy in there. He's beautiful and measuring great and was waving at us during the scan. But I still want a little girl. That weekend, I was sad and angry about having a boy and about being upset that he wasn't a girl and about not being able to control my emotions about it. I still want a girl. I still think about when we can try again (within reason) and if there is any way we can make it more likely its a girl. And I worry that having a girl will never happen for us, that this is it, this is our only child or I will have four boys and then not want to keep going.
BUT I still want to be a mom. I still want to meet this little guy. I still, so deeply, want to hold this baby in my arms. I would have loved to have an older brother growing up, so *maybe* my little someday girl will get that. I think you need to make it ok that you feel this way. That helped me get over the worst of it. And thinking about how so many little boys I know just absolutely love their mom.
I know this may be your only baby, but maybe not. Definitely feel upset, feel everything you need to feel, but I'm sure you know, deep down, that when you can hold your baby in your arms, you'll love him, so much. So feel that too. I hope it helps to know you aren't alone in this.
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Re: Gender disappointment anyone??

Postby skye skye » Tue Sep 22, 2015 6:50 am

Thanks Sarah. How have your worked through the emotion? I want to be "happy " about it but every time I try to think positive boy thoughts I just get upset and cry. :roll: Yeah, I totally want to sway for a girl next time too!
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Married 12-13-14
:bfp: 7-9-14 natural mc @ 5wks6d 7-19-14
:bfp: 1-18-15 EDD: 9-20-15
1st u/s 1-27-15: baby measuring 6wks2d :hb: 102bpm!!!
2nd u/s 2-17-15: No :hb:, baby stopped developing at 7.5 weeks-MMC - D&C 3/9/15
:bfp: 7-8-15 EDD: 3-13-16
beta#1 @ 23dpo=6720
beta#2 @ 25dpo=10521
u/s @ 6w1d :hb: 114!!!
u/s @ 8w3d :hb: 168!!!
u/s @ 12w4d NT scan great! :hb: 165!!!
u/s @ 14w6d TEAM GRAY!! (Ie: team blue sucks)
u/s @ 19w5d HEALTHY baby! :hb: 140
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Re: Gender disappointment anyone??

Postby KayBaby » Tue Sep 22, 2015 10:12 am

I love ur honesty!! I think sometimes we are afraid to say what we really feel because of the way others may react or chastise us but I smiled at ur sincere honesty. It's ok to feel the way you do you are human and u had dreams of a little girl. I completely understand and appreciate ur feelings.
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Re: Gender disappointment anyone??

Postby skye skye » Tue Sep 22, 2015 12:57 pm

Thanks Kay, I appreciate the kind comments. That is a big part of things - how everyone else (ie: family & friends) will perceive my feelings. That's kind of my reason wanting to keep the gender a secret from people - that and for the sake of keeping things gender neutral.lol
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Married 12-13-14
:bfp: 7-9-14 natural mc @ 5wks6d 7-19-14
:bfp: 1-18-15 EDD: 9-20-15
1st u/s 1-27-15: baby measuring 6wks2d :hb: 102bpm!!!
2nd u/s 2-17-15: No :hb:, baby stopped developing at 7.5 weeks-MMC - D&C 3/9/15
:bfp: 7-8-15 EDD: 3-13-16
beta#1 @ 23dpo=6720
beta#2 @ 25dpo=10521
u/s @ 6w1d :hb: 114!!!
u/s @ 8w3d :hb: 168!!!
u/s @ 12w4d NT scan great! :hb: 165!!!
u/s @ 14w6d TEAM GRAY!! (Ie: team blue sucks)
u/s @ 19w5d HEALTHY baby! :hb: 140
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Re: Gender disappointment anyone??

Postby DandNBaby » Wed Sep 23, 2015 4:32 pm

I myself hoped for a boy, and got a boy.
but knwoing myself, I would probably be upsdet if that wasn't the case.
I once read a post, in a different site, of someone complaining about finding out it's a boy and she actually wished she could end the pregnancy. Horrible to think about!
but as long as you're not there, and you still love your little boy, it's o.k. if you take some time to be sad over the 'lost' girl.
But think of that, aside from the obvious color difference, to you as a mother, that shouldn't make a difference.
It's a little angel whom you would love, and would love you to the moon and back.
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Re: Gender disappointment anyone??

Postby meganmarie » Thu Sep 24, 2015 5:14 am

With my third baby, we didn't find out the gender. An unintended consequence of that is that I spent 9 months dreaming about what it would be like to have both a girl and boy (I already had one of each, so I spent a lot of time imagining if the baby would be like its brother or sister). It's not that I wanted a girl more than a boy--maybe just a little--but when my son was born and the girl I had spent so much time thinking about disappeared, I felt a real loss. I had to mourn her, even though she never existed.
You are in mourning right now, and that's totally okay, but I promise you, when that baby boy comes out of you, the sadness you are feeling will fade away and it will continue to fade until you can't believe you ever felt sad about the little boy you are so in love with. I love my daughter, but the relationship I have with my sons is different. I know it seems hard to believe now, but you are so lucky that you get to experience a son's love for his mama.

Also, once you've spent some time mourning, I strongly encourage you to refocus your energy on finding positive things about being pregnant and having a boy. Have a baby shower. Take some maternity photos. Buy a cute outfit for the baby. You might not feel joy doing any of those things, but fake it. Spend the next five months making yourself be excited because once your disappointment is replaced by love for your baby boy, you are going to feel really guilty if you don't have any happy memories for the two of you to look back on together.
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Re: Gender disappointment anyone??

Postby skye skye » Thu Sep 24, 2015 7:13 am

DandN - Oh wow, yeah I'm not having thoughts of ending the pregnancy or anything, that's a bit extreme! 8O I'm sure I'll eventually be okay with it - it's just hard to get over the sadness of the girl I'm not getting. Glad you got what you wanted though - I hope I do one day too.

Megan - Wow, that is an interesting insight. I always thought that women who wait to find out the gender until birth are mentally okay with whatever they get (hence no need to find out gender during pregnancy). I'm sorry you had to go through that. I actually do feel like it's the same thing I'm going through though, I got so used to the idea of the little girl I'd have that now it's hard to let that idea go. I couldn't imagine going all 9 months with the thought though - it's bad enough at only 4 months! Just curious, do you think you would have been upset if it were a girl - like would have have mourned the little boy you didn't get?
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Married 12-13-14
:bfp: 7-9-14 natural mc @ 5wks6d 7-19-14
:bfp: 1-18-15 EDD: 9-20-15
1st u/s 1-27-15: baby measuring 6wks2d :hb: 102bpm!!!
2nd u/s 2-17-15: No :hb:, baby stopped developing at 7.5 weeks-MMC - D&C 3/9/15
:bfp: 7-8-15 EDD: 3-13-16
beta#1 @ 23dpo=6720
beta#2 @ 25dpo=10521
u/s @ 6w1d :hb: 114!!!
u/s @ 8w3d :hb: 168!!!
u/s @ 12w4d NT scan great! :hb: 165!!!
u/s @ 14w6d TEAM GRAY!! (Ie: team blue sucks)
u/s @ 19w5d HEALTHY baby! :hb: 140
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Re: Gender disappointment anyone??

Postby valerie0187 » Fri Sep 25, 2015 2:05 pm

I wanted to have a girl really bad as well. Being a single mother by choice I was worried how I could raise a son without him having a father. I acted like I didn't care if I had a boy or girl but deep down I cared. I prepared myself for weeks for the possibility of having a son. I started to look at boy stuff and try and imagine having a son. After I had my gender reveal party and found out I am having a girl I was happy but it was weird because I was also sad about not having a son. I was getting myself ready for a boy all this time and now that I am having what I want I was...I don't know...how to explain it. Hopefully you can find someone you know you can talk to you.
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Re: Gender disappointment anyone??

Postby Rwebb12 » Sat Sep 26, 2015 3:35 pm

My husband was seriously disappointed when he found out we were having a girl. He was even mad. Now...he loves that little girl more than anything. He melts like butter just hearing her say his name daddy. Now we are about to have a second and he WANTS another girl! I was told by many moms who have had both a boy and a girl. That the relationship between a boy and his mommy is very unique and special. I wouldn't worry. Once you hold that baby...all you will feel is overwhelming joy.
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Re: Gender disappointment anyone??

Postby WiebeJammin » Sat Sep 26, 2015 8:06 pm

I can completely understand how you're feeling! And don't feel ashamed, you are absolutely allowed to mourn over your dreams of a girl.

We have had 4 girls in a row (including our angel dd stillborn at 22 wks), and I'd be lying if I said DH and I were both disappointed when we found out our last was another girl. We want a boy sooo badly, but it just seems like the odds are against us for some reason. I'm newly pregnant with our 4th and hoping with all my heart that this one is finally a boy, I am so anxious to find out. I already know there will be some serious disappointment again if its a girl, but I love all my girls so much that I'd never change it for the world!

Try to stay positive mama! And who knows, you may just end up with a surprise #2 one day and have another chance :) My DH and I decided if we end up having all girls, we would love to adopt a baby boy one day in the future, so that's always an option too :)
Me: Brittany || DH: Ryan || DD: Hazel '08 || Angel DD: Chloe '09 || DD: Brooklyn '10 || DD: Sophia '13 || DD: EDD 6/7/2016

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Re: Gender disappointment anyone??

Postby miraclemommy » Mon Sep 28, 2015 8:18 am

I havent been in your shoes as my kiddos are all adopted and this is my first pregnancy (kinda hoping for a girl though as we have 1 girl and 2 boys already). But one of my friends wanted a boy so badly and when she found out she was having a girl she panicked and was sad for a few months. She grew up with 4 brothers close in age and her little sisters drove her nuts so she didnt know what to do with a little girl. However, when that little girl was born she instantly fell in love and 3 years later reposted her disappointed facebook post and started laughing because she cant imagine life without her daughter. Dont worry or feel bad about your disappointement.. We all have our dreams and hopes when we first get pregnant but it turns out great in the end. I guess what Im saying is its ok to be disappointed. I know what its like to go through infertility and not know if you can have kids. We were told we had a 1% chance of conceiving naturally so this pregnancy was a huge surprise. I also have a friend with severe PCOS and she has 2 beautiful children conceived naturally when doctors told her it might not happen. So dont give up on having a 2nd child. you just never know!
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