Telling people who will be hurt...

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Telling people who will be hurt...

Postby Eren » Thu Sep 24, 2015 4:23 pm

I have two close friends. One suffered multiple miscarriages and ended up giving up ttc, Another lost a baby last Feb.

When do I tell them and how do I tell them? I believe they would be upset at me keeping it from them for any length of time, but given my m/c history I also wonder if I should wait until the pregnancy is at least confirmed by u/s, so as not to potentially upset them unnecessarily. I just think if it were me, I'd rather know straight away. What do you think? Also, how do I do it sensitively. Any advice?
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Re: Telling people who will be hurt...

Postby FrostedFuji » Thu Sep 24, 2015 6:02 pm

If I were in your shoes, I would wait until it is confirmed via ultrasound, and tell each of them privately before you make a big announcement. The timing is up to you - we waited until after the first ultrasound to tell our families and closest friends (around 8 weeks) and then we began telling friends as we went, with a big "public announcement" to the rest of our family & friends around 12 weeks. Seeing as your friends understand the loss that comes with miscarriage, I might consider confiding in them sooner - first because they are less likely to be insensitive if you miscarried, and second because you may want people to confide in other than your husband. This, of course, is entirely up to you.

Of course, I am basing all of my advice entirely on my own relationships with my friends. I know mine would be appreciative of being approached personally to share the news rather than hearing it through the grapevine. Whether I shared it sooner rather than later would depend, to me, on which friend it was and what our relationship was like. Some friends I know would be upset - not with me, but just due to circumstance - while others would be absolutely ecstatic.

As far as being sensitive, my best suggestion is to let them know you're always open to them, you wish for them to be honest with you about how they're feeling, and to tell you if there's too much pregnancy/baby discussion going on. Be conscious that it's not all you talk about, and try to let them direct baby conversation, at least at first, to see what they're comfortable with.

You sound like a wonderful friend given your concerns; I'm sure you will not go wrong :)
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Re: Telling people who will be hurt...

Postby miraclemommy » Mon Nov 23, 2015 8:54 pm

If they are good friends they will understand. Just be gentle and express to them that you were nervous telling them. Dh and I struggled for years before giving up and I had a couple of friends tip toe around me but I wasn't upset and wished they had told me sooner. As someone who struggled with infertility I would never wish it on someone else and was so happy for my friends. The only people that made me upset were unfit mothers who get pregnant with anyone and end up neglecting their children... Sorry! There's so many heart breaking stories in foster care. Just do it and don't stress too much!
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Re: Telling people who will be hurt...

Postby Eren » Mon Nov 23, 2015 10:56 pm

I should have updated this!

I did tell them. It went well and my friends appreciated being told sooner rather than later I think. :)
me 37 dh 40
dd, 6
dd, 5

:angel: #4 9w1d "Akari" (light) Dec 2014
:angel: #6 15w4d "Melanie" Dec 2015
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