Depressed/Lonely

A part of me feels like I shouldn't even be writing this, ashamed I guess for feeling like this. And don't get me wrong, most of the time I feel pretty good and I'm THRILLED to be pregnant with this beautiful little girl. We had been trying for almost a year, and this is my dream come true. But I've suffered from depression a lot of my life, and there have been times during this pregnancy where these feelings have crept up. It was pretty bad the first trimester, mostly because I was anxious about something going wrong, so I just cried and worried a lot. Then things got better, and for the past several weeks I've had more good days than bad. But this weekend I was pretty down, and I thought that it might help to be open and honest about how I feel rather than bottle it up inside. I'm worried that if I don't talk about it that it will only get worse and could lead to postpartum depression.

My weekend started off crappy after our plans to go to the city fell through, I had been looking forward to going up and shopping for a stroller and some things and we thought we were meeting my friend and her boyfriend for dinner. Anyways, it was nothing to cry over, but I was just a little bummed out that instead we stayed home and did absolutely nothing. But then when I was alone for a bit when DH was out with his brother, I got really, really sad. For months and months I have been excited about the thought of having a baby and being a stay-at-home Mom for awhile, and suddenly I felt like it was going to be overwhelmingly lonely.

I think part of the problem is we don't have a lot of friends. I don't have ANY Mommy friends. And the friends we do have aren't exactly the crowd I want to hang around with anymore. For example, on Friday we were invited to two different Halloween parties. One of them we attended last year and it was just a big drinking party with a liquor luge and stuff. DH and I don't mind getting together with people and having a few drinks (of course I can't now) but we aren't into parties where that's ALL people do is drink. Then DH mentioned that we were invited to another couple's party too. He said he asked him 'Is it just a drinking party?' and his buddy replied 'Pretty much, but we might set up some games like beer pong.' We just had no desire whatsoever to attend these parties, not only did I not find these events all that fun before, but being pregnant I just feel like I do fit into that scene at all.

You might be thinking 'Why not just make some new friends?' but it's not really that easy. We live in this tiny little military town and there's never really a lot to do. DH is going to take just a few weeks off after the baby comes, and then he'll be back to work and I'm starting to worry that I'll just be bored and lonely at home by myself with the baby. Especially since it'll be winter and not even nice to go outside. I started looking into 'Mom & Tots' type activities to see if there's anything I'll be able to do (likely not until she's a bit older, but something to get excited about I thought), and I found swimming but that's it. I did join a facebook group for Moms in my area and I'm hoping to meet some people through that, but I've always had difficulty moving from the acquaintance to the friend stage with people. DH at least has his brother and some other guy friends he can hang out with.

I also know that the newborn stage isn't going to be all sunshine and rainbows, and I'm starting to worry more and more about struggling with breastfeeding, the exhaustion etc. I hope this doesn't make me sound like a horrible Mom/person, but I'm suddenly just feeling less excited. Like all those months ttc I mostly only thought about the good stuff, how I longed for a sweet little baby in my arms smiling up at me, and a child that I could watch grow and teach things to. But now reality is setting in, I'm realizing that she will do a lot more crying than smiling, and that I'm just going to be spending most of my time at home alone with this helpless little being.

I completely understand, 200%. The feelings of shame about feeling depressed, while simultaneously being exhausted by holding it all in. You are absolutely not alone in this.

The hormonal changes that come with pregnancy also create a perfect storm for depression; even if you haven't experienced it before, the low estrogen and high progesterone make everyone more vulnerable. I would strongly encourage you to talk to your OB/midwife about it, if it gets really bad medication can work absolute miracles and there are several drugs on the market that we know will not harm a growing fetus - depression in pregnancy really is that common.

But I also want to assure you that you are absolutely not alone in your entire situation. I'm also the first of my friends to have a baby, the rest are nowhere near close. The ones who are supportive and excited for me live across the country, so I don't get to see them. And after moving last year, I don't really know anyone in my area, let alone anyone with babies. The loneliness can be totally crushing.

I've been looking into recommendations for new moms who are alone; there are quite a few suggestions to find Mommy & Me groups, library programs, anything that will put you in contact with other new parents, but it's so true that there are a lot of places where options are seriously lacking. I don't make friends easily either; frankly, I think making friends as an adult is stupidly hard. I don't know where you live, but looking at your due date, many parts of the US will be bearable for stroller walks 6-8 weeks after your little girl is born Short walks around local playgrounds should put you in good proximity to plenty of other moms, and you could even try to start up a weekly stroller walking group via FB. I know it's not easy - I'm a huge introvert, socializing is far easier for me one-on-one and starting or joining groups of people makes me super anxious. But sometimes stepping out of your comfort zone gives you enough of a "high" to help stay sane for a few more days.

And finally- I'm here I know internet friendships aren't the same as real life, but you're absolutely welcome to reach out to me any time knowing I'm in a very similar situation as you are; feel free to PM me here on the boards

Thanks so much for your response Fuji. I had a feeling that I wasn't alone in this which is why I decided to post. I've 'met' so many incredible people on this site, and while internet friends aren't exactly the same as real life, I'm not sure I could have survived life thus far if it weren't for the support of the many online friends I have

I spent some time scrolling through the Facebook group I joined earlier because I vaguely remember someone else posting about a walking club at the end of summer. I found a link to another group called 'Mom and Little One Meetups.' I guess it started out as a walking group but now they plan something different every week, and a few people have posted about other events and playgroups happening as well. So I joined that group too, even though my little one isn't here yet. I don't know if I'll attend anything right now as I might feel kind of awkward, and yes the thought of meeting up with a bunch of strangers does make me anxious. But it's comforting to know that the group is there and that I'll have somewhere to check for things to do after the baby's here.

I also do know one other girl who is expecting her first baby just 1 week after me. I don't know her super well though, she's the girlfriend of one of DH's childhood buddies, we've only hung out with them a few times and it was always the 4 of us, so I've never really formed a friendship with her. But I was thinking today that I should message her and invite her to lunch or something. At least she is someone I have met and talked to before, and with our babies being due around the exact same time we can hopefully become friends and get together after they're born as well. Even if it's just coffee for 1 hour a week, it'll be some nice adult company and someone to talk to and we can share stories/frustrations while our babies roll around on the floor together.

I live in Canada actually, and the weather can be brutal here up until April, but hopefully after that it'll be nice enough to get out for walks and go to the park etc.

I second everything Fuji said!

I wish I could hug you! That feeling your feeling, the overwhelming lonely worries..it's got to be common because so many of us at one point felt that way. It's like a vicious circle, you feel sad..then feel more sad about being sad and not more grateful and happy to be pregnant. Very exhausting.

Im also the first in my group of friends to be pregnant. It's definitely changed the dynamics of our relationships with one another, especially the couples that are newly engaged/married, or the married couples who have no desire to have children. I went from being a social butterfly to just not being invited to do anything..I was very sad last month over this. I was making an effort to make plans for coffee/dinner dates or a quiet night in but they were often turned down because they would rather be doing something more "fun" I guess! The only friend that still talks to me and has a good relationship with me is my only single friend lol ironic! But she works 36 hours a week PLUS clinical rotations for her nurse practitioner training that turns her week into 60+ hours of non stop craziness so we rarely have the time to get together because of that. Then there's my husband. We own a family farm and ranch so it's a LOT of work, especially during the fall & spring where he is gone from sun rise to after 10pm most days. He's such a hard worker and in usually out there with him but I've been busy at home setting things up for the baby and just too pregnant to be much help now. And family? Yeah no relationship with any of my family members except my 85 year old granny and my sister who lives 1000 miles away. Talk about a recipe for being lonely! No friends, no family, no husband, just a cat and a dog. I literally thought at one point I was going crazy because I would talk to my pets like we were having conversations (like Tom Hanks & Wilson from Castaway lol!!)

The one thing that turned my thoughts around was something my sister mentioned when I called her crying about this. She said, "remember they're (referring to friends) not the ones changing, you are. But for the better" And she is 100% right! My life is different now. I have no desires to go to parties, bars, etc.. I want to be at home and raise a family. I want to be in my pajamas by 9pm on a Saturday night. It's okay to want those things, and it's okay if your friends don't.

I get the whole small town thing too girl! We live in the country. The closest meet ups with mommies are 30 minutes away in another town so that's pretty difficult for me. But it sounds like you have some in your area..id take advantage of that!! It's a great idea to meet like minded people..aka mommies! I truly hope that you meet some awesome new friends

One more thing I'll mention in this long, rambling post..it gets better..I know the hormones are crazy but it does get better! I'm 8 weeks out from delivery and I've suddenly kicked into major nesting mode. All that matters is my baby, myself, and my husband at this point and that we have everything we need ready for his arrival. I've been so busy I haven't even felt a pang of sadness..just excitement that mixes with a little anxiety at times lol. It will get better.

Thank you, Artemis.

I wish you ladies were closer, or that teleportation machines existed, so we could all get together! It's crazy how much I feel like people I connect with online understand me more than anyone I know in real life.

I hope you'll be able to find some new Mommy friends too, that aren't too far away. We live on the base here, so while it is technically the country (we are 1.5 hours from the closest city) our home isn't secluded or anything. There are all sorts of families around and other people with kids, it's just a matter of me actually getting to know them.

I made a lunch date on Thursday with that 'friend.' Hopefully we do in fact become friends. When I messaged her I mentioned that I don't have any Mommy friends and that I want to start meeting/hanging out with people so I'm not incredibly lonely once the baby is here. It seems like she feels the same way, her boyfriend went back to school and he works, so she said she'll likely be home alone with the baby most of the time too. She doesn't live super close, like 20 min or so away, but at least it's SOMEONE. Hopefully we hit it off

I also have my MIL who lives close by. Especially with DH being military, I am very thankful that I'll have her to help me out in case he ends up having to go away for a course or something soon after baby is born. My family all lives in another province, but my Mom is coming to visit for a week in February too. A week isn't very long, but with both her and my MIL around at least I won't be alone and overwhelmed.

I don't have anything super insightful to contribute that the above ladies haven't said much better, but I just wanted to send you big fat hugs, and also tell you that you hit the nail on the head re: the beer pong and drinking parties. Ugh... omg, will people grow UP already?? My husband thinks I am a huge snob because I categorically refuse to drink out of those puerile red plastic cups. We're in our thirties, for god's sake!!!!! I want a proper fucking wine glass!!! Ugh. I soooo hear you.

You're not alone JeepGirl!! I've had issues with feeling down too...and the hormones, OMG they super-charge everything! I don't really have any better advice than what's already been shared by the other girls, BUT if it makes you feel any better I'm in a similar situation. See the thing with me though is that a lot of my friends already DO have kids. So I'm not alone in the whole being a mom thing...BUT the kicker for me is that my friends are raising their kids in ways that I really don't agree with and will NOT do with my child. I love my friends dearly and understand it's their choice in how they raise their kids, BUT I'm actually kind of hesitant to want my baby around my friends kids for fear that they'll pick up their bad habits. One of my close friends has two boys - cute kids and all, but OMG they are SOO beyond disrespectful. They don't say please or thank you, they sass their parents...I've even had them tell ME to shut up before. Instead of punish their bad behavior, my friend just gives in to whatever they want to shut them up - it's so frustrating. Then I have another friend that has allowed her kids to pretty much do whatever they please their whole lives. I mean these kids curse and everything else - it's insane. At one point my friend was teaching her 2 year old to "pop lock & drop it"...she thought it was funny...serioiusly?? These same kids walk around spewing curse words - calling body parts by crude names (ie: the C word for a vagina...saying ass instead of butt...). Yet another friend of mine refuses to punish her kids because she thinks it's "mean" - when they misbehave she takes the approach of repeatedly telling them "no" while they run around ignoring her and telling her to shut up. My DH's friends with kids just allow them to be waaay to wild with little punishment - same as my friends. It's frustrating. My friends kids are just horribly misbehaved - and it's because my friends just aren't great parents - and I feel bad even saying that. I love them as friends, but their parenting skills are definitely questionable. I never thought much of it other than "I won't let my kids do that"...but now that we have a little one on the way I'm starting to get nervous about how to handle hanging out with these said friends and their hellion children. I feel like I will be alone too I do have ONE friend will super SUPER well behaved children...the down side there is that her family has denounced ALL holidays, she literally told her kids from day one that there was NO Santa, NO Easter Bunny, NO tooth fairy, etc. So although they're super well behaved kids - I fear that they'll potentially ruin the fun of being a kid for our little one by sharing their beliefs on holidays.

I've also been feeling down because of all I'll have to sacrifice in pregnancy and maternity leave. I've had to give up so much thus far...exercise mainly. I'm so envious of the ladies who have managed to continue exercise though pregnancy (shout out to Artemis)...I've always been a gym rat, loved the challenge and pushing myself, but I've had to give all that up. I remember looking at a post and pic from Artemis one day of her at the gym talking about working out and teaching a spinning class. I freakin cried like a baby because of how envious I was -I want to work out too!!! I've also had to give up my wine I thoroughly enjoyed, certain foods...and well just my overall happiness since I've had SUCH a hard pregnancy. I had HORRIBLE morning sickness up until about 18 weeks that i was on meds for, I've had 24/7 non-stop headaches/migraines since 13 weeks. I've tried meds, and even done every day IV infusion treatment to no avail...the headaches persist. I've never been so miserable in my life! I also feel guilty about feeling so down, it's hard - I know I should be happy but I just don't feel that way most days. Then there's the whole having a boy when I wanted a girl...getting "fat"...it's just not the "fun" I thought it would be. One of the big things I'm dealing with though is the whole maternity leave thing. I always said I wanted to be a SAHM...but I've always ALWAYS been self reliant and independent, I've NEVER had to depend on someone in terms of finances or general help. And even though I'm married, I've stayed very self reliant through DH and I's entire relationship -even now that we're married. I know that I'm going to have to take off quite a bit of time for maternity leave - and the thought just suffocates me. I'm now reconsidering the SAHM idea completely. I feel like I'm giving up my independence and it's a VERY hard thought to deal with. It makes me SOO beyond uncomfortable to have to depend on someone else for anything. I don't quite know how to work through these feelings. It's really hard!

Sorry for the long ramble - but Jeep you are so NOT alone in this!

Alex - BAHAHA...right? Give me a proper damn wine glass - we're not in college anymore!

Alex lol yeah, I feel like party cups are something you see at a high school or college party, not for grown adults!

Skye, thanks for sharing all of that. I think this thread can be a good place for us to ramble/vent when we're feeling down, I often feel better after writing about what's on my mind.

It does sound like you have a bit of a dilemma there with your friends, I can totally understand why you wouldn't want your own children around theirs! I'm appalled by the way some people raise their kids too. It's one thing for a young child to overhear a curse word and repeat it (a girl I know posted on facebook the other day that her 1 year old was saying 'Oh shit'), but for kids to actually swear on a regular basis and their parents to not do anything about it is just wrong. Same goes for the other behaviours.

I'm so sorry to hear you've had such a difficult pregnancy. I recall you mentioning morning sickness and I was aware of the gender disappointment, but I didn't know about the headaches and everything else. I am thankful that my pregnancy has been very easy symptom-wise. I feel like my emotional difficulties are just a normal thing for me, pregnant or not. I suppose it could be slightly worse due to the hormones, but since I never had morning sickness or anything like that I'm not sure the hormones have had a huge affect on me.

I was wondering, how come you had to give up exercise? Is it just cause you've felt crappy, or did your Dr. actually say you can't? I can imagine you wouldn't feel much like working out when you're throwing up/with a headache, but I was thinking that if there are days you don't feel quite so bad, some light exercise like yoga or walking might help lift your spirits. I've been going to the gym and walking on the track and going on the bike and lifting some light weights and stuff like that, nothing crazy. I've gotten a little bored of that same routine though so I was thinking about going swimming some of the time instead. I also do yoga to stretch/relax. I hope that since you're in the second trimester now you start feeling a bit better!

Also, I remember us discussing the SAHM topic before on another thread. I worry sometimes about what that'll be like and if I'll actually enjoy it, but because I'm not happy at my job right now either, I feel like its the best choice for me. I plan to take a full year off and after 8 months or so I may start looking for part-time work. I will definitely miss having my own income and being able to buy myself little things without having to ask DH. My EI likely won't even be enough to cover my car payment and insurance, it's going to be an adjustment for sure..

JeepGirl - Yeah my friends definitely have some unique parenting styles. I just hope that it doesn't drive a wedge in my friendships when I sparsely bring my child around theirs. As for the exercise - I've basically just had to stop. Early on every time I would try to exercise I'd end up throwing up. I had to nix my 3 mile daily runs completely (SOOO sad about that, I had gotten my run time down LOW). I tried power walking, that also made me puke. Switched to weights - again with the puking. Spinning class was the same thing - and I almost passed out (also almost passed our running a few times). Since I only got rid of the horrible nausea about 3 weeks ago - there was no point in trying to exercise because it'd just be a puke fest or me passing out. But once I got the headaches my doctor told me to quit exercising all together so I didn't trigger more or worse headaches. Now that I'm being treated they said that light exercise is okay - but anything that gets my heart rate up there makes a migraine set in. So I'm pretty much screwed out of exercise all together unfortunately. I feel so useless some days...exercise was a BIG BIG part of my life and now it's gone. I swear I can feel my muscle turning to jello. I just keep thinking "maybe I wouldn't be so fat if I was able to actually exercise"...it's a bad feeling, it makes me super upset to have to give up something so key in my life. I feel like such a fat a$$ - even though I've only gained like 13-14 pounds so far at 21 weeks.

I'm sure your hormones are playing more of a role than you think - everything is amped up hormone wise during pregnancy. The emotional thing might be something you're prone to even non-pregnant, BUT the way it affects you even more so during pregnancy could be the hormones playing into things. I'm glad you're going to be able to do the SAHM thing for a while -I'm not even sure it'll be a possibility for me. I'm not sure we could afford living on one income. I mean DH makes great money - we just have SOO many bills...it'd be a LOT to manage on just one income. I think I'd be happy with part time work though - it's something, but yet it's not a 40 hour a week obligation. As much as I'd love to stay home - I'm VERY nervous of how I'll feel actually doing it. In my mind it's the way to go because that's how my mom raised me and my sister - I think it's a good thing for a parent to raise their child as opposed to a day care or babysitter...but that the same time that is giving up SOOO much independence. It just kind of overwhelms me thinking that I will have NO income, NO freedom, and not able to get out of the house like what I do now to go to work. And like you I dislike the fact of not being able to buy little things here and there without having to ask DH...having to ask for anything, especially money just weirds me out. I mean in all reality I don't have to ASK my DH for it - I'd just do it or let him know...but still. Being that HE is working and I'm not there's that level of obligation there to tell DH exactly what I'm spending. I totally get that. At least you're getting something for your leave though - I'm getting NOTHING. My work will "allow" me the time off - but it's 100% unpaid. Not sure how long that will work out. The things we sacrifice for children

Aw, that's rough You are DEFINITELY not a fat ass though! I saw one of your bump pics and you look great! Eating healthy is also a big factor so I think as long as you aren't stuffing your face with junk food 24/7 you should be okay. I mean I know that doesn't help with not being able to exercise when it's something you love to do, but it will help with gradual weight gain and making it easier to lose after.

Is there not any maternity benefits/employment insurance there? Here maternity leave is unpaid as well, but you can apply for employment insurance starting 6 weeks before your due date and receive 55% of your income for up to 1 year.

Thanks Jeep - I sure the heck feel HUGE though. It's really depressing having none of your normal clothes fit. (well I still do fit in some, but not all). Yeah I try to eat as healthy as possible and I'm doing a better job at that now the last 3 or so weeks. Before when I had the horrible morning sickness unfortunately I had to eat whatever I could tolerate, and sadly - most of that was not always your healthiest options. But the doctor is still happy with my weight gain - I'm up 15-16 pounds as of yesterday at 21.5 weeks. I still think that's a lot - but they're happy so I guess it's fine. I was really aiming at only gaining 20 pounds...don't look like that will happen now...BOO. As for insurance or maternity leave, there is literally NOTHING. They just "allow" me to take the time unpaid and that's it. I'll be out of a paycheck the ENTIRE time I am out - it really sucks. As far as the U.S. has come with things you'd think that maternity leave would be better than what we have here - we are one of EIGHT countries IN THE WORLD who don't offer paid maternity leave. UGH!! Your employment income you get while out - who pays that, the government or your employer?? That would be SOO awesome if I could get at least that, it'd help out so much and I could actually take of longer than I had originally planned to. A girl can dream

Yeah I don't think we have any employers here that pay maternity leave either, EI is paid by the government. Although technically it's paid by me (part of employment tax deductions include an EI payment so I pay into it every paycheque).

So envious of your EI leave!!

Well I'm feeling particularly crappy today. I think it's the weather, we've barely seen the sun all week and with the time change it's dark at like 5:00 now. Also, DH and I got in a fight last night and I just still feel shitty about it We had to put down our 14 year old Shihtzu a few weeks ago and DH has been really sad, he wants to get a puppy. Of course I don't want him to be sad, but my argument is that I just don't think it's a good time to be getting a puppy when we're going to have a newborn here in a couple months, I'm overwhelmed as it is! And since he'll be going back to work after just a few weeks and I'll be the one home all day, it just seems like it would be too much to handle. Not to mention that puppies are expensive too, and money is already tight with me finishing up work soon and all the baby expenses. I tried to compromise by suggesting we could get an older dog or saying that we can consider it next summer maybe, after we've had a few months to adjust to life with a baby. He was like 'Yeah, get a puppy when our baby starts crawling, that's a good idea.' He also thought that because you still have to take care of an older dog, that it wouldn't be much different He says that there's never going to be a good time and he thinks if we get one now we'd at least have a couple months to train the puppy before baby. So we basically just went in circles...UGH it was awful. Finally he said 'Just forget it, we won't get a puppy, just let it go' and that made me even more mad and upset because I really was trying to come up with some kind of compromise.

On a happier note, I did have lunch yesterday with that girl I know, and it went great. At least I think so. She said because her bf is in school he's only going to be able to take a day or two off after they have the baby and so she'll just be at home by herself all the time too. So we plan to go check out some playgroups or 'Mommy & Me' stuff together, at least it'll be a bit less intimidating having someone else to go with!

I'm so sorry you've been having to deal with depression through this. I'm glad though that you are willing to open up about it and talk it out.

I do agree with you on the puppy issue. You're approaching the most uncomfortable part of pregnancy and the least thing you want to do is go around cleaning up after an untrained puppy. Your dh just needs to grieve his furbaby and focus on your baby girl. Kudos to you for trying to make some sort of compromise, hopefully he'll see that soon enough, so don't feel bad and I think you should stick to your gut feeling on this and wait until you get any pets.