Depressed/Lonely

[jeepgirl88]

Thanks Yeli. I actually feel it's pretty selfish of him to expect me to take on that extra burden right now. I'm thankful I've had a very easy pregnancy (no morning sickness etc.) and if I wasn't entering the third tri I'd be more open to it. I just have no idea what these final 13 weeks are going to be like. I want to be able to rest and relax as much as I can. Hopefully once the baby's here and he sees how exhausting it is at times, he'll agree that I was right. I definitely think I'll be more open to the idea next summer. Not that a 6 month old won't be a handful, but by then I'll have the hang of breastfeeding and she'll be sleeping through the night (hopefully) and the weather will also be nicer to take both of them outside for walks etc.

[FrostedFuji]

You are 100% right about a puppy. Granted, we have a Corgi, so she is a herding dog and basically has a built-in nuclear reactor providing her constant energy, but she's still only about 16 months old right now and a huge handful. The timing of dog to baby is definitely not ideal for us, but it is what it is; I can't imagine how out of my mind I would be if we were pregnant at this time LAST year.

She was completely house trained very quickly, but even perfectly trained puppies will still have accidents because their bladder control isn't fully developed until close to a year. We were well into December (5 months old) before she stopped needing to go out in the middle of the night. I have no idea how I'd have managed with breastfeeding, too, especially because if I had been getting up multiple times with baby, the dog would also have been demanding to go out every time I got up. Basically, DH would have had to step up and take all the dog responsibility while I had all the baby responsibility, and I have NO idea how I would have handled day time.

I'd give him a little space on it, but I also want to say that I completely understand the hole felt when you lose a dog. We wouldn't have our puppy right now had we not lost our last one very unexpectedly last year. DH and I had agreed to wait, but 2 weeks without him and I was going crazy - I didn't want to replace him, I just didn't want to live without a dog. I think if we were in your position, I would have looked into breed rescues or breeders looking to re-home older dogs. Both options can be great for getting a dog that is trained, particularly one good with babies and kids. Both options are great to meet both of your needs (a dog that doesn't need training and gets along with kids, but isn't too old) and in all honesty you could probably start looking into it now if you want a dog in ~8 months. Finding a good breeder or rescue can be time-consuming, but looking into the possibilities might help fill the void your husband is feeling.

Just my 2 cents, since I really do understand both sides of that. Losing a family member is never easy.

[jeepgirl88]

Hey Fuji. We actually did spend a little while the other day checking out animal rescue sites, as I was a lot more willing to go that route. The only problem is that we don't really want a dog that sheds, which is why the Shihtzu was perfect. We also noticed right on the website that a lot of the dogs had a symbol next to them indicating they aren't good with children. On top of that, many of them had diseases or special needs. Not that I expected the perfect dog to be there the first time we checked into it though, I know that something may come a long. DH really wants another Shihtzu though, or has mentioned a Goldendoodle. If we weren't picky about what kind we want I think finding an older dog would be a lot easier. And even if we definitely want a Shihtzu, it could be weeks before any are available. I saw an ad one day for puppies being born soon that were already spoken for.

I'm sure it'll all work out in time. For now we've just let it go and we probably won't discuss it for awhile. DH says that when we fight I can never just let things go and move on, he just snaps out of it and acts like everything is fine. It's not that I like arguing or want to keep it going, but sometimes if an issue is left unresolved I just can't get it off my mind. I know that sometimes its best to let things cool off though and revisit them later.

Anyways, thanks ladies for your support

[FrostedFuji]

That's why I suggested a breed rescue, you can find ones that specialize in only shih tzus, and will take your needs and preferences into account when trying to match you with a dog

Also a goldendoodle is not guaranteed to be shedless. Just keep that in mind. They are frequently marketed as such, but the puppies are just as likely to inherit the golden retriever shedding as the poodle curls.

[skye skye]

Sorry you're feeling down JeepGirl. I have to say that I totally agree with you on the whole dog issue. I do think it is very selfish of your DH that he expect you to take on the HUGE responsibility of a new puppy in your last trimester of pregnancy. Not only that, but as you said he will be going back to work a couple weeks after baby is born - which means you will have to care for a newborn AND a puppy all on your own every day. That is really not fair at all. I feel like if your DH is the one that is vying for this new puppy then HE needs to be the one to take on the responsibility for it -and being that he will not be able to do that, then he should just wait until you guys are in a better place to be able to take on that responsibility. I think that sometimes men just don't get what it will be to be a parent - I mean sure they "think" about it time to time. But I really don't think that they truly GET it like women do - maybe because we're a parent from day one of pregnancy. Even my DH has opted up ideas for things that just don't jive with our situation - changing jobs and buying a new car (for himself) for instance. I had to remind him that our situation just won't allow for those things right now - he just looked at me with a blank stare. I don't know that he entirely got it even after the explanation - maybe it's just a guy thing??

Jeep, I second adopting from a rescue or shelter!!! I whole-heartedly believe that is the ONLY way to go when getting a pet. Every pet I've owned have been rescues or adopted from shelters - and let me tell you, they make SUCH better pets. My DH and I have a dog that he got prior to us meeting. He got it from a breeder when it was a puppy...I kid you not, this dog is the WORST dog I've ever met in my life. I see a noticeable difference between dogs from rescues and dogs from breeders - dogs from rescues are so much more easy going and just thankful you saved them. From my experience the dogs I've been around from breeders are just whiny or have attitudes from hell. (like my DH's dog for instance). You can totally find a great dog that is a little bit older - and all the hard work of training is done already - I vote that option, get a dog that's already a year or two old. Like Fuji said, you can find a breed specific rescue and go from there. Try Petfinder.com - they list a bunch of pets needing a home and you can search by location AND breed. A lot of times you can contact a rescue and tell them what you're looking for - they will call you when they have what you're looking for. So you could always do that, and whenever they end up having what you want is when you get it. Another idea is to be less picky - there are a ton of great dog breeds out there! Something you may want to think about too is getting a dog that is going to be kid friendly - sometimes smaller breeds aren't ideal for families with small children because smaller dogs are more fragile than bigger ones. Breeds such as chiuauas and even shihtzus have very tiny bones that if broken are hard to fix. So keep that in mind when choosing. And Fuji made a great point - golden doodles aren't always shed free - in fact very few dogs are. There are dogs that shed LESS than others though - just do a little research before choosing. Personally I say mutts are the best dogs ever

[Yelibaby]

My Dh decided to start a business with his friends. He has a very time consuming schedule at his family business as is, works from 8:30-7:00 mon-sat, and during the Christmas season (starting November) Sunday's from 9-1 as well. I'm extremely annoyed by this since they aren't planing on hiring anyone yet and taking care of the store themselves. He has no time for that now, and when Christmas season is over I'll be on my last weeks and we'll be having our baby. We had a fight the other day about this because I'm not taking any excuses for him not spending time with us when she gets here. Men are so frustrating...

[ThisIsIt]

Hi Jeep, I'm back on this side of the board! Woohoo! The responses to this post are so wonderful and supportive, and I think it's very clear you are not alone in feeling the way you do and there is nothing here to feel bad about. You are doing a wonderful job carrying that baby and I'm sure you'll do a wonderful job once she gets here. I've been a little overwhelmed on a few occasions thinking about the daily reality of maternity leave, and recently I wrote a list of the good things I'm super excited about (I'm such a dork). When I start to panic about feeding schedules and sleeplessness and the like, I take out the list and it comforts me. I know living in a more remote area adds a level of complexity and challenge, but hopefully mommy groups and activities will be a way to stay social. Even if you just have 'class friends', at least you will have someone to vent to for an hour or two a week:)

And I know you already know this, but a puppy is a bad idea lol. My dog is a wonderful little creature and I'm so happy he lives in my house, but he was a nightmare to house train. I was waking up with him once or twice a week for MONTHS. We tried everything. And we were renting at the time and he was so small he could slip under the fences of the rental house, so I had to leash him up and go outside in the middle of the night so he could smell everything ever (and eventually pee). And then when we moved back to Toronto we had a condo and I was up and down on elevators a hundred times a day. I cannot even imagine doing that with a baby. I can't imagine doing that again period lol.

And Yeli I hear you in our DH taking on too much. My DH is all about side jobs that inevitably take up entire weekends. It's great to have the extra money, but I'd happily use some of it to buy back some of that time. He does plan to slow down once the baby gets here, but I'll know he'll miss the indulgences that extra cash allows. Hopefully we can all find a little balance once our new overlords get here, myself included. I work too much so I know mat leave is going to be a big adjustment. I'm more worried about when I go back after six months - man I hope she sleeps well by then!

[jeepgirl88]

I don't know if they have many breed rescues around here, Petfinder is the site we looked at before and I just googled it and found 'shihtzu.rescueme.org' but when I search Canada there are no matches. Again, we live in a small rural area so things that are easy/accessible for many people just aren't for us. Also, if what DH really wants is another Shihtzu puppy, then I'll be okay with that...just not right now. We have just left the discussion alone for now, he doesn't seem down or sad about it anymore and we've moved on. Maybe in 6 months or a year it'll come up again and we'll see where we're at. Thanks for the input though ladies!

Yeli, I'm sorry about your DH taking on another job right now With my DH he just works M-F and is home by 4:00 everyday, but in his case its that he has so many hobbies that consume his time. I think it's great that he has lots of things he enjoys doing, but sometimes he acts like he can just keep doing all of these things all of the time, even once the baby comes. So I also worry sometimes that he won't be around to help out or spend time with us. I'm hoping that once our little girls arrive they will fall in love and not be able to leave the house!!

And ThisisIt, OMG SOOOOOO happy to see that you're over on this side again!!! (This and I were in a buddy group together on the ttc side) I was actually thinking about you the other day, and was going to look you up to see if you'd been on after your mc. That's so great that you were able to get pregnant again so quickly and that things are progressing well for you this time, Congratulations! You must be almost halfway now? And we're both having girls!!!

[FrostedFuji]

Breed rescues aren't local things, they're usually groups, or networks of breeders that serve large areas The good ones (the ones you'll want to adopt from if you're interested) will absolutely travel to get the right dog to the right home. Just a last tip on that!

My DH plays video games. A lot. Generally I'm okay with that - occasionally he can ignore housework to play, but to be perfectly honest I think we all have our vices that we'll gladly turn to instead of being responsible adults sometimes, lol. That said, once baby is here, the dynamic changes a LOT. As prepared as we can all be, there's a lot we just won't be able to be fully aware of until we're actually living it. It's hard, but I choose to have faith that DH will be able to step up. Of course, I've also seen him do that when it's necessary, which definitely makes it easier to think he will again - so I can understand it might be especially hard to do if you haven't had trials yet where your SO has had to do that. There's a common saying in my circles, women become mothers when the test is positive, men become fathers when the baby is born. It's harder for it to be tangible for them, so the changes we're experiencing are things they'll go through later.

I will say though, I've also been told that fathers will often start spending longer hours at work. My mother is convinced it's a primal reaction - that now having to support both you and baby triggers an unconscious need to do more work to support you, even if realistically that's not how it actually works. And certainly, it's possible that if your SO is really attuned to the pregnancy, maybe he's been "triggered" early, if you want to believe in this theory. But I really think that the major changes in SO's come once they hold the baby in their arms and say hello.

[skye skye]

What Fuji said about rescues willing to place a dog in the right home is true. I've heard and even seen on television rescues that have actually flown dogs across the country to find their forever homes. So just keep that in mind! Also - check for rescue groups that work with military members. I am a part of a group here in the states called Pets for Patriots that helps shelter pets find their forever homes with military members/veterans. Our group helps with the costs of adoption and even gives each adopting military member/veteran help with things like supplies, food, etc to start off with. Perhaps they have something similar where you are in Canada?

AHH - Fuji my DH suffers the same video game craze. Shoot me. LOL. Yeah generally I'm okay with him playing too, but some games he plays I just CAN.NOT.STAND...like I get so aggravated watching him play that I just want to run and flip off the console on him mid-game. (I have yet to do this other than in my mind - but I sure the heck want to at times!). My DH does work long hours during the week - he typically works about 50-60 hours a week, and he works 6 days a week one week a month. His "relaxation time" is his video games, which I can understand that. What irks me is that he will literally come home and plop on the couch to play when there's household things that need to be done. It drives me nuts!!! When he does finally come back to the land of the living he does nothing but complain and gripe about all the stuff he has to do and how late he'll be up doing it all....well DUUUUH, don't come home and play your dumb game then! Yeah I think that when the baby comes he'll grow up some - at least I'm hoping. This mama is going to have a HUGE problem with DH playing a video game rather than feeding or changing the baby. That seems like such a true statement about when men and women become parents Fuji - I've had just about everyone tell me that same thing and I'm really starting to see that. That is an interesting note Fuji about new fathers spending more time at work...that was true of my own father. But he worked 2 jobs so that my mom was able to be a SAHM. I have heard of some men working more to avoid home responsibilites of a new baby - to me that is just awful. My DH already works so much that I can't fathom him being at work more hours than he alraeady is - he'd never be home! He leaves our house at 6am and doesn't get home until after 7pm as it is now - I just can't see him being at work more than that.

[jeepgirl88]

Sounds like our husbands have a lot in common...mine plays a lot of video games too! It's not unusual for him to spend an entire day on the computer, and he's a huge procrastinator.

I've already told him that since I'll be staying at home I'm okay with taking on most of the household duties (cleaning, laundry) but that means I'll be working all day at home, so after he gets home I expect him to help out and us to share the duties and baby care in the evenings. I know it'll be a bit of an adjustment though as right now he usually just comes home and plops on the couch too or goes right on the computer. He is pretty good about helping with supper, but cleaning is another story

[Yelibaby]

Well there's no way for my Dh to work more since he shop closes and there's nothing to be done. This new business isn't bringing in any more cash, at least not for now or a long time, so it's just a time consuming, expensive hobby.

My Dh plays football (soccer) once a week and has a buddy night to play dominoes, or Magic the gathering or more football. After that when he comes home is usually to watch tv with me or our weekly family dinner with our respective in laws. I just hope he dedicates time to us when she comes.

[skye skye]

Jeep, yeah that is what I told my DH when I was thinking of doing the SAHM thing, that since I would be "working" all day at home, once he gets home he needed to help with things and give me a 'break' to shower and relax a little bit. I mean everyone loves their kids and all, but spending ALL DAY 24/7 with a screaming newborn can and will take a toll on you. My DH said that he didn't think it was "fair" that he should have to work all day at work then come home and be stuck with baby duty while I get to relax - he said that he would basically be working 24/7 with that plan. So now that is part of my hesitation in the whole SAHM thing - I feel like DH won't pull his weight and I see that just leading to arguments down the road. It's just really frustrating because being a SAHM is something I wanted my whole life (even with my hesitations in giving up my career/freedom, etc)...and now I feel like with DH's attitude it's just not a possibility. He just can't seem to grasp the idea that being a SAHM is in fact a JOB just like how he works all day...the thing is, HE gets to leave his office at the end of the day - I'll be trapped in my "office" 24/7 all the time...if anything I think that is harder than having a normal job. At least with a normal job you get to leave the office at the end of the day. I hope he comes around though - maybe once he sees how hard it is to care for a newborn he'll have more of an appreciation for SAHM's and what they do. I think in his mind he sees SAHM's as sitting on their rear ends all day on the couch watching tv or something. SOO not the case obviously - but maybe he's just got to see that with his own eyes to get it??

Yeli - Sounds like your DH is spreading himself thin as it is...that will be increasingly difficult for him to manage once baby comes. I really hope he steps up and makes things more about his family and less about his hobbies. I've got to ask - what is a Magic gathering?? That sounds interesting.

[ThisIsIt]

Hey Jeep, yes I am half way there with this little lady! So excited/terrified!

My DH goes through phases where he likes video games, but he only plays them while I'm at work (we work slightly different hours so he is usually home about 2-3 hours before me). He'll go months without playing them and then one will come out he likes and he'll go on a binge lol. But like others have said, if that's his guilty habit I'll take it. I binge terrible TV shows sometimes so I can hardly criticize:)

We sometimes bicker about who is going to walk the dog so I think it's been good practice for co-parenting lol. It's hard to share responsibilities, especially when everyone is worn out. I am just hoping we can maintain patience and empathize with one another and, over time, figure out what works for us. I don't expect to hit a rhythm in her first week of life - it will be a work in progress. But at the end of the day all three of us will love each other to pieces and we will figure it out:) We've talked about how it is going to work in the evening so no one feels ambushed, and right now the thought is this: I will be the primary caregiver until after dinner. That way he doesn't come home from work and an annoying commute only to be immediately handed a baby. He can have a little time to decompress. Then after dinner he will take over the primary role and I will have time to relax a little and do baby-free things I need to do. This is the plan I suggested because I think it plays to both of our strengths and is realistic for us. He wakes up very early for work and is dead on his feet when he gets home. I think it's unrealistic to think he is going to go full force in to Dad mode when he walks in the door. And for me, I lose steam after dinner, but I am a machine until them. It's like I shut down to digest lol. So I think I would prefer to have a break then.

But who knows, the baby may come and this whole plan will go out the window:)

[jeepgirl88]

Skye, so you say you're hesitating about the SAHM thing, but what would happen if you both worked? Do you feel that he would consider you guys more equal in that case and would be more willing to share responsibilities in the evenings? Anytime I've worked full time I found I got quite overwhelmed because I'd have no time at all during the day to clean, grocery shop, plan/cook meals etc. So if both of us worked I feel like I'd come home and just be totally stressed out every night because the house would be a mess, supper would need to be made, and then we'll also have a baby to look after. At least this way I can hopefully get at least some chores done during the day when the baby naps, or if she is content being in a swing/bouncer etc. I also plan to use my carrier a lot and strap her to me when I need my hands free to get stuff done. Anyways, hopefully like you said your DH will see in time how much work being a SAHM really is (we'll be the ones working 24/7!!) and pull his weight, if it's something you still want to do

This, I think you have a good plan in place. My DH works until 7:30-4 everyday, so something like that may work for us too (and maybe for you too Skye?) If he wants to come home and have an hour to himself to watch TV or something then that's okay, as long as he helps out after dinner. But you're right as well that we won't have it all figured out overnight, it will likely take a few weeks or even months to get into a routine and figure out what works.