Depressed/Lonely

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Re: Depressed/Lonely

Postby Yelibaby » Wed Nov 18, 2015 9:04 pm

Magic the gathering is a trading card game, it's like a strategy card game in a wizard world setting.

I know he won't disappoint me, he'll work it out somehow. He hates to let me down or get me upset, so I'm confident he'll step up. Fortunately, we already hired our maid/nanny, so house work won't be a burden. Only thing we'll need to work out are baby duties.
Me: 31
DH: 29
TTC #1 since OCT 2014. After 1 year Nuvaring.

BFP Feb. 15, 2015 - MC at 7 weeks
BFP Apr 2015 - cp
BFP May 24th, 2015 (My bday - 9dpo)

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Beta 10dpo - 35// 12dpo - 100// 14dpo - 255// 17dpo - 1186.4// 21dpo - 7763.4

Progesterone 10dpo - 56.4 (oral progesterone)
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Re: Depressed/Lonely

Postby skye skye » Fri Nov 20, 2015 7:51 am

Ooh okay Yeli - that makes sense! And I'm soo beyond envious of you having a maid/nanny...I wish we had one! It'd sure make life a heck of a lot easier.
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:bfp: 1-18-15 EDD: 9-20-15
1st u/s 1-27-15: baby measuring 6wks2d :hb: 102bpm!!!
2nd u/s 2-17-15: No :hb:, baby stopped developing at 7.5 weeks-MMC - D&C 3/9/15
:bfp: 7-8-15 EDD: 3-13-16
beta#1 @ 23dpo=6720
beta#2 @ 25dpo=10521
u/s @ 6w1d :hb: 114!!!
u/s @ 8w3d :hb: 168!!!
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Re: Depressed/Lonely

Postby Yelibaby » Mon Nov 23, 2015 6:47 am

Perks of living in a third world country! Lol
Me: 31
DH: 29
TTC #1 since OCT 2014. After 1 year Nuvaring.

BFP Feb. 15, 2015 - MC at 7 weeks
BFP Apr 2015 - cp
BFP May 24th, 2015 (My bday - 9dpo)

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Beta 10dpo - 35// 12dpo - 100// 14dpo - 255// 17dpo - 1186.4// 21dpo - 7763.4

Progesterone 10dpo - 56.4 (oral progesterone)
Progesterone 14dpo - 61.3 (vaginal supplements and shot)

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Re: Depressed/Lonely

Postby skye skye » Mon Nov 23, 2015 7:52 am

It's not a third world country where you live...I've heard it's really nice there!!
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Married 12-13-14
:bfp: 7-9-14 natural mc @ 5wks6d 7-19-14
:bfp: 1-18-15 EDD: 9-20-15
1st u/s 1-27-15: baby measuring 6wks2d :hb: 102bpm!!!
2nd u/s 2-17-15: No :hb:, baby stopped developing at 7.5 weeks-MMC - D&C 3/9/15
:bfp: 7-8-15 EDD: 3-13-16
beta#1 @ 23dpo=6720
beta#2 @ 25dpo=10521
u/s @ 6w1d :hb: 114!!!
u/s @ 8w3d :hb: 168!!!
u/s @ 12w4d NT scan great! :hb: 165!!!
u/s @ 14w6d TEAM GRAY!! (Ie: team blue sucks)
u/s @ 19w5d HEALTHY baby! :hb: 140
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Re: Depressed/Lonely

Postby Yelibaby » Mon Nov 23, 2015 1:48 pm

It's pretty nice, but it's still what it is.
Me: 31
DH: 29
TTC #1 since OCT 2014. After 1 year Nuvaring.

BFP Feb. 15, 2015 - MC at 7 weeks
BFP Apr 2015 - cp
BFP May 24th, 2015 (My bday - 9dpo)

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Beta 10dpo - 35// 12dpo - 100// 14dpo - 255// 17dpo - 1186.4// 21dpo - 7763.4

Progesterone 10dpo - 56.4 (oral progesterone)
Progesterone 14dpo - 61.3 (vaginal supplements and shot)

Please be my rainbow baby!!
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Re: Depressed/Lonely

Postby Honey Bunny » Mon Nov 23, 2015 8:03 pm

We will be looking into a nanny too, we already have a cleaning lady, but hopefully we can find a sweet nanny.. I won't know where to begin . How did you find yours Yeli?
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Re: Depressed/Lonely

Postby Yelibaby » Sun Nov 29, 2015 10:02 pm

Through and Agency. So far so good.
Me: 31
DH: 29
TTC #1 since OCT 2014. After 1 year Nuvaring.

BFP Feb. 15, 2015 - MC at 7 weeks
BFP Apr 2015 - cp
BFP May 24th, 2015 (My bday - 9dpo)

Image

Beta 10dpo - 35// 12dpo - 100// 14dpo - 255// 17dpo - 1186.4// 21dpo - 7763.4

Progesterone 10dpo - 56.4 (oral progesterone)
Progesterone 14dpo - 61.3 (vaginal supplements and shot)

Please be my rainbow baby!!
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Re: Depressed/Lonely

Postby Lilsgrnspice » Sat Dec 05, 2015 2:36 pm

I am so glad I found this thread, I have written this so many times and never had the nerve to post...

I too have suffered with depression pre pregnancy. When we started ttc, I decided to safely taper off all my medications for depression and pain (fibromyalgia). It took us 18 months to get our bfp, which included lots of tests, confusion and disappointment. Finally pregnant, things were looking up.

At 4 months pregnant I unexpectedly lost my job, my dream job I've had for over two years (I suspect it was due to the fact that I was pregnant, but I can't prove it). I still grieve that loss. I currently collect unemployment, because let's be honest, who is going to hire a pregnant woman?

Trying to make lemonade out of lemons, with the unemployment, DH wants me to be a SAHM to concentrate on my health and the pregnancy, and so I can raise our daughter over daycare. I've always wanted to be a SAHM, but never thought it could be an option for us. Even with them unemployment I am receiving, we are struggling not to incur more debt than we already have. My unemployment benefits run out the week before my due date, and I'm panicking. DH is banking on a promotion in the new year, but the closer we come, the more skeptical I am that he will get it. His job is notorious for overlooking his value. Even if I go back to work after baby girl is born, the market the way it is, I would just be working to cover the cost of daycare and we will basically be just as strained as we are now. I'm scared for our future financially. I'm also not used to relying so heavily on my husband financially. My dream job paid me so well, I NEVER had to share income with my husband. Now I feel extreme guiltily in asking for money for groceries or other necessities. Because of money being so tight, we have had to rely on others to provide the items we will need for the baby. If our friends and family weren't so generous with their gifts, we would literally have nothing for her, nothing. There is a huge weight of guilt I feel already for not being able to provide for her, and she isn't even here yet. We cannot apply for any assistance, because DH makes too much. I could go on and on about the stresses of finances, but that is merely one factor to my current blues.

I also feel like I am never going to be ready for her to arrive, and we have 8 weeks or less! My list of to-dos are never ending! It keeps me up at night. For example, the specialty mattress I wanted and my parents so graciously bought finally arrived. There were two things I wanted the best of the best for my baby girl- the safest mattress to sleep on and the safest car seats. Of course the mattress I just HAD TO HAVE doesn't fit our crib. I had a melt down, I can't provide for her, or have a safe bed for her to sleep in! Irrational as it may be, that felt like the biggest failure. My DH was trying to help by offering suggestions on how we can mod it to make it work, but the point is it should have JUST WORKED. I needed comforting and reassurance, not an alternative. Needless to say, we made it work, but it opened up pandoras box, and I haven't been able to stop crying. I still have so much to do and I'm so overwhelmed. I am doing EVERYTHING to prepare and getting nowhere without any help. DH doesn't do anything in preparation for the baby, nothing. I painted the nursery, I put together the crib, I researched and put together our registry, I put together the stroller, I will be installing the car seat, packing bags, organizing closet, etc. I just can't do it anymore! What am I going to do with a BABY?!

Every time I get upset, DH just reminds me "your the one who wanted this!" Thanks... Just because I want to be a mother doesn't mean I'm scared shitless of being a bad mother, lonely, overwhelmed, guilty, incapable, vulnerable, and a failure. I never feel like my feelings are valid, so I just bottle them up until I'm buried by them. You ladies have no idea how much this thread means to me, knowing I'm not alone in this! Sorry for my long post, I could go on for days!
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Re: Depressed/Lonely

Postby jeepgirl88 » Sat Dec 05, 2015 4:54 pm

Hey Lils,

I'm so glad that you found this thread too and hopefully knowing you are not alone does help a little bit. Feel free to vent here anytime you need to...that's kind of what I intended by this post.

I am really sorry about your job and that you are struggling with finances. All I can say about that is if they let a great employee of 2 years go, it wasn't your dream job!! I will keep my FX for your hubby's promotion and that you may find a good job again in the future that pays decent too. I know how you feel with not wanting to work just to cover childcare, that's he boat I'm in. I've stuck it out at a job I'm unhappy at just so that I'll be able to collect EI (sooo happy there's only 3 more weeks!!!) I could potentially love my job, its who I work for mainly that I don't like. I am supposed to be the Assistant Manager and was told it would 'lead into manager' yet after being here almost 2 years as well, the manager hasn't given up any control to let me step in, and just shuts down my ideas. She gives me all the evening shifts and I'm expected to clean the floors and duties like that, I just feel it's totally beneath me. So I definetely don't plan to come back here, but I also have no idea what else I'll be able to find, especially since we are in a small town. I have I think 2 more paycheques and that's it, and I can't apply for EI until I'm done. So I'm worried about us paying all of our bills in January while I wait for my EI to kick in...and after that too, since it's only 55%. DH is just always so calm and never stressed about money, like how he even thought we could afford something like a puppy right now! I think reality may set in once I'm done work...

From the pics of your nursery it seems you are pretty prepared, and I have endless lists too but you know what, at least we have lists! Not everyone is that organized. Just do as much as you can, and try to remember that no Mom is perfect, and we can't do it all. Also, have you actually asked hubby for help at all? I was actually so surprised when I woke up to mine putting together the stroller, I thought I'd have to nag him to do it, since our crib sat there in pieces for weeks. I too feel like he is less interested, like today I was watching some videos about labour/delivery that are from an online 'Welcome to Parenting' program offered by my province. There was also a section with different options to help create a birth plan. I showed him and was kind of hoping he'd sit down and look at it with me, but he barely acknowledged it. I need him as my support partner through delivery, so I need him to look at this stuff and be informed! When I showed him the site before he thought it was great and said 'We should go through all of this' but we haven't. I also wanted him to help research items and with the registry. He has come a long way since the first trimester, he does say he's excited and stuff...but he doesn't really show it. I'm worried too that he won't be that supportive during labour like I mentioned and after when I'm learning to breastfeed etc. If we are supposed to be equal as parents why is so much of it Me me me? Hopefully they will really come around after the babies are here.

One thing I have learned though is that sometimes I expect him to do something on his own and get upset when he doesn't, but if I ask him it's no problem. They can't read our minds. For example, I wanted help putting up 2 wall shelves in the nursery, I tried to do it myself but I couldn't hold them and get them level and screw them in at the same time. He was playing a video game and I said 'Hey I was wondering when you're done your game if you could give me a hand' and to my surprise he actually paused his game and jumped right up. If I hadn't of asked though the shelves still wouldn't be put up...

As you can see I could go on for days as well!! I just wanted you to know that you definetely aren't alone, and I believe a lot of our feelings are really more common than we might think. Just because we planned and wanted to get pregnant and had to try doesn't mean we don't have any fears, or that we won't ever feel stressed or overwhelmed. It will just take some time to figure all these things out, and adjust to life as Mommies!

Hang in there, and feel free to vent here again if you need to, or PM me :)
Me: 28
DH: 32
Married 11/09/2013
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Re: Depressed/Lonely

Postby SarahCHW » Mon Dec 07, 2015 10:10 am

Lils, I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Its good that you found this thread and can know the feelings are normal. I get crazy overwhelmed every now and then, and I didn't have to deal with the job loss issue at all. I would say, even though you are worried/upset/depressed/lonely you are a crazy strong person and will make a wonderful mom! As first time moms, I'm not sure we'll ever be 100% ready.

Your story about the mattress reminds me a lot of what I have been feeling lately about our kitchen remodel. There are a lot of things that are just slightly wrong since its such an old house and we are doing the remodel ourselves. My husband is trying to be helpful by coming up with solutions to all the little issues, but I just feel hopeless about it... At least the kitchen has nothing to do with the baby so all my feelings are a lot less intense. I can't even imagine how helpless I would feel if these things were happening in the nursery. I really really hope you start to feel better soon.

Here for you if you ever need to talk, even if its just lists of all the things you need to do :). Know I am one of those Jeep mentioned doesn't even have a list, so I will definitely be forgetting lots of things. I hope you have a list of things you need to do for yourself too! (while out buying jumbo pads and witch hazel pick up some nail polish or something :P, thats my plan at least)
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Re: Depressed/Lonely

Postby Lilsgrnspice » Mon Dec 07, 2015 2:07 pm

I am feeling a lot better now, thanks for your support jeep and Sarah! Writing out all out helped, and Saturday night I hit my wall/Turning point. We were invited to a friends house to watch a hockey game and go out to dinner afterwards. I of course was too fragile and didn't want to put on real clothes so I passed but insisted my hubby go without me. He reluctantly agreed, wanting me to get out of the house and this funk, but he went. He texted me frequently, and finally said "be ready in 7 minutes, we are picking u up for dinner". Sobbing to myself I forced myself to put pants and a decent shirt on, but I couldn't do it. I started balling. When hubby walks into the bedroom, I'm a puddle of tears, holding my socks saying " I can't do this." He thinks I mean put my socks on, smh. He chuckles and says it's ok and bends Down to help me. Then it all comes gushing out in broken sobs, all my fears, anxieties, all of it. He rubs my back, tells me it's ok (laughs at my irrationality a little) and try's to comfort me. He told me I just need to cry it all out right now, so I did and he listened. All my fears and anxieties are still there, just not overwhelmingly so.

The following day I had a nice day with friends and family, got out of the house, and got a tree for xmas. Today I got so much done! Deep cleaned the carpets, organized the laundry bag, and packed a diaper bag. Goals for the remainder of the week include: installing car seat, packing hospital bag, and decorating for xmas. I also want to sit down with hubby and discuss budget planning for after my unemployment runs out, but he always deflects. It's one of those things he will only do when he is mentally ready, otherwise he shuts down. How are you all feeling? What are you doing to cope/prepare?
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Baby # 2 conceived the old fashion way, surprise! EDD May 14, 2018
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Re: Depressed/Lonely

Postby skye skye » Thu Dec 10, 2015 8:49 am

Lils - I feel you on the whole financial thing - I am in the same boat. I have missed so much work this pregnancy from being sick & doctor appointments that my paychecks are being docked severely - and I don't make much to begin with. Thankfully my work has been understanding, I still have a job. But I am really freaking out about what will happen when I go on maternity leave. My work doesn't offer any kind of pay what so ever - so I will be out of work with NO pay at all while I'm gone. We are in the process of buying our first home right now too...it's just so stressful. I feel like we don't know what we can afford because we have NO clue what this baby will cost us money-wise. How can you plan?! I've been stocking up on diapers NOW - to save us that expense when baby comes (and since I'll be out of work)...but other than that, I have no clue what kind of expense we're looking at. DH and I are both freaking out about the money aspect of things. He's paid on commission ONLY...so his checks go up and down. He may have a great paycheck one week, and then make a quarter of what he made on the good week the following week. There's absolutely NO guarantee in what he makes, and that only adds to the stress. I have been pricing out daycare, and it's about $900 give or take a month - PLUS you have to give them all supplies (diapers, wipes, formula, etc). I feel like I will be working only to pay the daycare and that's it. I want to be a SAHM for a few years, but I'm not sure we can afford me not working, but at the same time I'm not sure we can afford the $900+ in daycare expenses a month either. I feel totally inadequate at times. :roll: My DH is the same when it comes to talking budget/finances...he only will do it when he's ready otherwise he'll shut down. Facing that right now...UGH!

You're not alone girl - I"m there with you. I'm glad your DH validated your feelings, that had to help some. I'm really glad you see you're feeling much better and in a better place mentally. LOVE this site for all the support! I'm just trying to take one day at a time...that is really all we can do right?
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Married 12-13-14
:bfp: 7-9-14 natural mc @ 5wks6d 7-19-14
:bfp: 1-18-15 EDD: 9-20-15
1st u/s 1-27-15: baby measuring 6wks2d :hb: 102bpm!!!
2nd u/s 2-17-15: No :hb:, baby stopped developing at 7.5 weeks-MMC - D&C 3/9/15
:bfp: 7-8-15 EDD: 3-13-16
beta#1 @ 23dpo=6720
beta#2 @ 25dpo=10521
u/s @ 6w1d :hb: 114!!!
u/s @ 8w3d :hb: 168!!!
u/s @ 12w4d NT scan great! :hb: 165!!!
u/s @ 14w6d TEAM GRAY!! (Ie: team blue sucks)
u/s @ 19w5d HEALTHY baby! :hb: 140
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Re: Depressed/Lonely

Postby Lilsgrnspice » Fri Dec 18, 2015 3:58 pm

Skye, I remember how stressful it was buying our first home, I couldn't imagine doing that while pregnant too! You are much stronger than you think!

I feel the same way as far as feeling unprepared for all the expenses that come with babies, and day care! Smart move stocking up on diapers and the like now. I'm need to do the same. My parents have been helping out a lot in getting supplies for baby, which hurts my pride but I am so grateful too.

Before I lost my job, I would have been working just for day care too. It is so expensive! I think when I was looking, the best deal was $200/week for an infant at someone's home not a center. When my mil retired, we had hoped on her providing the care on the days I worked. She is now undergoing chemotherapy and on pain medication now that I don't feel comfortable with her being a care giver anymore (I know that's so horrible). I fear she will feel too sick or tired or too medicated in case of an emergency or the high demands of an infant. In the respect, I am almost glad I will be a SAHM so that won't be an issue.

Good with the bad... Lemons and lemonade. I get the feeling of inadequacy, but I think all these fears and anxieties must stem from our deep desires to be great moms. I'm glad we have this group to remind each other, and ourselves of that!
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Baby #1 via IUI girl born January 10, 2016 7 lbs 14.5 oz, 19.5 inches long, Lillian Nicole

Baby # 2 conceived the old fashion way, surprise! EDD May 14, 2018
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Re: Depressed/Lonely

Postby skye skye » Mon Dec 21, 2015 7:14 am

Yeah the house situation is SOO stressful! And now to add to the mix - I thought my aunt was hosting our baby shower since she had mentioned it briefly a couple months ago. Well we just found out yesterday that she will NOT be hosting like we had originally thought...so now we will have to plan on my mom throwing it and us having it at our new house. We don't move until the first week of February, and then we have to have time to unpack and all...I'm not even sure HOW we're going to pull this off. Having a ton of people in our brand new home before we have the chance to fully settle in was not what I had in mind. I'm so stressed about the shower now it's not even funny - I just don't know how we're going to pull it off. My mom has no problem helping - but she has made it clear that she doesn't want it to be at her house - which I understand (long story, but makes sense). I was really counting on my aunt to host it (as she did for my bridal shower) - she is the "planning/host" of the family and always takes on events...I'm actually shocked that she's not jumping to do the shower. (she did for my bridal shower). So strange. I want to ask her what's going on since it's so unlike her - but I don't want to come across as rude. Really the only other option we have is to host the shower at our apartment we live in now before we move...but we'd have to do that asap since we will need to start packing come mid- late January....we have to start a little earlier in packing since I can't do very much & DH will have to do most of it. AHH :doh: :doh: :doh:

I'm so sorry about your mom - that is awful news. Is she doing okay though? I hope it's not life threatening! Chemo is never a good thing - it's rough for everyone involved especially the one going through it. My aunt just finished her last round in September. (same aunt referenced above). I am glad things worked out the way they did for you though - that would be tough to try to explain to mom feeling uncomfortable with her watching baby. Glad you're avoiding that conversation! It totally helps buying items now - I've been buying diapers and/or wipes every normal trip to the grocery store. I'll buy a couple packs each time - I'm thinking that we'll have a nice little stockpile by the time baby comes. Better to spread out the cost than to have to buy it all at once. :wink: This way it's not that expensive, just a little bit more money on each grocery bill. I have to say, I was BLOWN AWAY at the cost of diapers when I initially looked. 8O 8O You could go broke just on the diapers alone! I was told that a baby goes through about 10 diapers a day - that's a LOT of diapers a week...expensive!! :roll: I totally recommend the whole stocking up now idea - it will definitely lessen the blow when baby actually comes. I mean you don't have to buy $100 worth of diapers a week or anything - just pick up what's on sale or what you can afford, that's what I've been doing. I've gotten a variety of different brands and sizes - not knowing what baby will like or dislike. I found this great blog that kind of guides you on how to stock up - it says to buy X amount of the newborn size, X amount of size 1, X amount of size 2, and so forth. VERY helpful! I'll try to locate that and post it for you if you're interested. Let me know :wink:

I'm very grateful for this site as well...it's saved a lot of blow ups, melt downs, and depressions! LOVE you girls! :mrgreen: :mrgreen:
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Married 12-13-14
:bfp: 7-9-14 natural mc @ 5wks6d 7-19-14
:bfp: 1-18-15 EDD: 9-20-15
1st u/s 1-27-15: baby measuring 6wks2d :hb: 102bpm!!!
2nd u/s 2-17-15: No :hb:, baby stopped developing at 7.5 weeks-MMC - D&C 3/9/15
:bfp: 7-8-15 EDD: 3-13-16
beta#1 @ 23dpo=6720
beta#2 @ 25dpo=10521
u/s @ 6w1d :hb: 114!!!
u/s @ 8w3d :hb: 168!!!
u/s @ 12w4d NT scan great! :hb: 165!!!
u/s @ 14w6d TEAM GRAY!! (Ie: team blue sucks)
u/s @ 19w5d HEALTHY baby! :hb: 140
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Re: Depressed/Lonely

Postby Yelibaby » Mon Dec 21, 2015 2:25 pm

Skye, I think having the shower at your current apartment is the way to go. You can rent chairs after it's cleared out, and just leave the things you'll be using for the shower. Tables or wtv. That way you can leave the shower, go home to a quite clean (albeit messy cause your moving in) house, and pick up the next day.
Me: 31
DH: 29
TTC #1 since OCT 2014. After 1 year Nuvaring.

BFP Feb. 15, 2015 - MC at 7 weeks
BFP Apr 2015 - cp
BFP May 24th, 2015 (My bday - 9dpo)

Image

Beta 10dpo - 35// 12dpo - 100// 14dpo - 255// 17dpo - 1186.4// 21dpo - 7763.4

Progesterone 10dpo - 56.4 (oral progesterone)
Progesterone 14dpo - 61.3 (vaginal supplements and shot)

Please be my rainbow baby!!
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