how to deal with an over bearing inlaw?

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how to deal with an over bearing inlaw?

Postby corty12 » Thu Jan 02, 2014 6:45 pm

My mother-in-law from the get go has been a problem. First off when my husband and I told her we were trying to conceive she was beyond rude saying that she didn't agree and didn't think we were emotionally ready and a bunch of unnecessary things. We left it at that and when we found out we were pregnant it so happened to be at the same time as my brother in law and his wife. She seemed happy but I was never too convinced.
My husband and I had a tough start with money as many young people do but we are no longer in the same position and it's as if she can't let go of it.(over a year before we ever started trying to conceive) She went as far to ask her sister what we would need to so to qualify for assistance. We in no way need assistance and would not qualify with the ammount of money he makes. We are not rich but by no means poor. We can afford to buy everything our son needs by ourselves but the grandparents wanted to help of course. I didn't mind at first until I found out in the past she had told my mother she "had to buy us food on several occasions." Which was not true we never went without food or anything for that matter. Things were tight over a year ago. Now she's offering or more so stating that she wants to buy this and that. I don't know how not to be rude about it and it's really stressing me out. It's like she has to be in every aspect of our lives she even went as far as to ask my husband if he was happy recently. Why is she acting this way we are nort hurting for money anymore she is not paying any of our bills or anything and We are doing really well. I just don't know how to handle it and it causes arguments between ny husband and I because he's sometimes too nice. Any advice?
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Re: how to deal with an over bearing inlaw?

Postby Whig » Fri Jan 03, 2014 6:38 am

That's a tough one... especially with in-laws...
It's really hard to make someone see something differently when they are hell-bent on seeing it the way they think things to be. I don't know that there's a way to nicely go about telling her to back off or mind her own business... Of course, telling her that you aren't actually in need of help/assistance/whatever would be the easiest, but it doesnt sound like she believes you.
Maybe, one way you can get her to leave you alone but still help out is to ask her to put whatever money she would put towards baby things, into a savings account for your son instead? I'm not sure if she would go for that, but it would be a way for you and your husband to "prove" you are able to afford things and show her, while still allowing her to "help" with the baby. You could just mention that instead of her buying things that you are more than capable of providing, if she really wants to do something financially for the baby then maybe a savings account would be more of a long-term investment than a high chair or stoller? Just a thought. That's how my dad approaches it (granted, he doesnt have the whole "you need help" attitude), and it's really quite nice because we can either use the money he gives us towards something our daughter needs/wants, or we put it in her savings account.
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Re: how to deal with an over bearing inlaw?

Postby sarahmarie » Fri Jan 03, 2014 8:17 am

My advice is to relax and just let her help if she really wants to. There are lots of less fortunate families out there who would love assistance from their families but don't even have contact with them at all, let alone get offers for financial assistance from them. Step back and look at the big picture and embrace who and what you have and be thankful for having a family that cares about you.
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Re: how to deal with an over bearing inlaw?

Postby TurtleMomma » Fri Jan 03, 2014 9:34 am

My MIL can be bossy at times but it's relatively easy to overlook since I KNOW she is coming from a place of good intentions and my DH and I take what she says and do what we want anyway. I am lucky because she and I are a lot alike and get along swimingly.

I say all of that to let you know that I unfortunately do not know where you are coming from so my advice is just my opinion. First, I would lean on your mom for emotional support in dealing with your MIL. If you lean on her and not put all of the burden on your DH it might help the arguing there. Second, take some time to calmly sit down with your DH and discuss your concerns about his mom. Do it at a time when you are both free and you aren't fresh off of some issue with her so you can both take your time and listen to one another. He may be feeling the same way but it will be hard for him to admit since it's his momma after all. Finally, try to get yourself to a place where you can be resigned that this is the type of woman she is and is likely not going to change. (This I can relate to you on because my DH's step-sister is a horrid human being that I've had to learn to accept will never change.) but you cannot let her dictate your happiness or stress level. I promise you that I know this is easier typed than done, but I also promise you that as you work toward it you will be more at peace within yourself despite what she chooses to say or do. I imagine her comments to her sister and your mom were embarassing and rude and you have every right to be hurt, but carrying that hurt around is only going to stress you out and that's not good for the baby so try to focus on your nugget's well being.

I know the above is probably not what you were looking for and you wish there was some magic solution to this problem and you could get her to see how wrong her behavior is. Unfortunately, short of going to therapy or on Dr. Phil I don't see that happening. So, while you can't change her you can change how you react to her and ensure that your child grows up in a calm, loving, and stable environment. Don't let her dictate or change that by her bad behavior.

I think you are going to get through this period of your life a little stronger, a little wiser, and maybe even closer to your DH and your own mom if you use your MIL's actions as opportunities to lean on them and let them love on you.

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Re: how to deal with an over bearing inlaw?

Postby mexicanchick718 » Fri Jan 03, 2014 3:54 pm

I agree. Stay calm. I would have a serious talk with DH and let him know how she's making you feel. I ran into this problem with my MIL when I miscarried in July. It wasnt over money since we are just fine, but DH should step up and say something. He doesnt have to be rude but just make his point for his mom to 'back off'. I recently did this with my own mom who has been attacking my DH over stupid stuff. It worked. She got the point as i litterally told her to back off.
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Re: how to deal with an over bearing inlaw?

Postby corty12 » Sat Jan 04, 2014 10:44 am

Thanks everyone and if I didn't mention above I'm very appreciative of what she's doing. And a lot of the reason I have a problem is she is lying and she knows it. I don't feel we are above help or anything I'm just stating we don't need it and I don't like her making others think we can't support our son. I'm not in denial or anything crazy we truthfully don't need the help. But another thing is since we got together anything she doesnt like she blames on me. She recently was pretty open about that to my husband and he's just too nice. I just hate the thought of things always being this way and needed to vent. We do what we want of course as many do but it doesn't feel good to be constantly harassed by text or in person. Thanks for the advice and I am trying very hard not to get overly upset but two years of her constant negativity is weighing on me. My mother and I do talk a lot but truth is she's getting really angry and I don't think making her dislike her is a good way to go.
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Re: how to deal with an over bearing inlaw?

Postby mexicanchick718 » Mon Jan 06, 2014 10:51 am

Wish i had something magical to say to make you feel better, but I dont. My poor gf MIL was the same. She died last year and she was negative with my gf until the very end. Some people just have son issues. If she harrassing you via phone block her number. Your pregnant and this is supposed to be one of the most important things you'll ever go through. I let my mother handle my MIL. Not physically because we're not animals but she sure got what she had coming to her. I did the same with my gf MIL. She was trying to bully her at her babyshower and I was NOT having it. The lady stayed in the guest room for the rest of the party. I hope it gets better. My DH is too nice and does not confrontation but like I told him if you dont I will and I WILL get nasty.
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Re: how to deal with an over bearing inlaw?

Postby JennMarie » Tue Jan 07, 2014 3:24 pm

Oh the dreaded mother-in-law!! I have just about the opposite problem with mine - the only time she ever calls me or DH is when she wants to ask for money (that she spends on drugs). We stopped giving money to his side of the family a long time ago because of it, and now they think that I'm the "bad guy" who doesn't let my DH give them money. The truth is that I was always way more willing to give money to them than he was, well at least before I knew the trust about what they were spending it on. He flat out says no and then goes to work, so I have to be the one to break it to them. I used to feel bad and have my feelings hurt all the time when they bad mouthed me... then I realized that no matter how nice I was to them they would always talk bad about me. And the only people who believe it are those that don't matter in our relationship anyway. The truth is that nothing you ever say or do will ever be good enough for her. EVER. A lot of people hate their in-laws for a reason, and this is it. If anything happens between her and her son, she will blame you. If you ever need to ask for help, she will blame you. If things are happy and her son is the happiest he has ever been, she will think he is lying and that you have ruined his life. It's the way of the MIL I'm afraid! You will not win in this game. So my advice would be to stop playing it with her. I suspect your DH doesn't want to hurt his moms feelings and doesn't want to rock the boat... but I seriously doubt that anything she could ever say to him about you would ever cause him to second guess his feelings. He is with you because he loves you and wants to be with you, and she can run her mouth all day long without being able to change that. My DH isn't crazy about my mom either, but I would never tell her to stick it because she is my mother and I love her no matter what she says or does. He doesn't feel the same of course. But you have to remember that he will love and respect his mom no matter what - all while trying to respect your feelings as well. So although it is extremely hard to do, just let what she says roll off your back. The people she tells lies to will eventually see the truth - and if they want to be as delusional as her and believe everything she says, then so be it. They don't need to have a place in your life - negativity in general doesn't need a place in your life. Surround yourself with only positive thoughts and energy and you will draw more positive energy towards you. It takes a lot of practice and patience, but trust me, it will pay off!!
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Re: how to deal with an over bearing inlaw?

Postby corty12 » Wed Jan 08, 2014 4:04 pm

Thanks very much for the advice. I have definitely been doing my best to ignore her. I guess I'm different with my mother of I thhoughtbwhe was hurting my husband I would tell her to back off. In fact in my life when she has done a bit too much I have told her so. Rude or not we have a great relationship due to our honesty with eachother. But I have really been striving towards cutting the negativity out because it's not what I want my son around. And I have made that very clear to my husband my mother and his mother. Thanks again for the advice hopefully one day it just won't bug me. I have a real big problem with liars and gossipers. Just not my cup of tea lol
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