Gender disappointment anyone??

The affectionately named "honeymoon trimester". Your belly is getting bigger and you start to feel your first baby kicks. Are you having a boy or a girl?

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Gender disappointment anyone??

Postby skye skye » Mon Sep 21, 2015 6:50 am

Okay - so I just had an early gender scan a couple days ago. I was PRAYING for a little girl, but instead was told that it's a boy. I am beyond devastated at the news and spent literally all weekend in tears. I went alone to the scan because I felt that I needed to know the news before DH and everyone else to "prepare" myself in the worst case of being told it's a boy. As of right now the only people who know the gender are my sister (whom I called literally as I left the appointment), and my mom - who managed to get the information out of me when I went to visit her after the scan. Originally I had not planned on telling mom, but she sensed something was wrong and asked what was up until I spilled the beans. She then proceeded to scream and yell at me about what a horrible person I am for even feeling the way I do. :mad: Honestly I had not planned on telling anyone about the scan, EVER. But because of the news and me being upset, I needed to reach out to someone - that's why I called my sister. Thankfully my sister was completely understanding - but my mother on the other hand, not so much. Despite my sister being sympathetic, I feel SOO alone in all this - it's more than just disappointment, I literally feel like a part of me died. Has anyone else experienced this feeling of loss and mourning due to gender reveal not going the way you wanted? Please tell me I'm not alone....
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Married 12-13-14
:bfp: 7-9-14 natural mc @ 5wks6d 7-19-14
:bfp: 1-18-15 EDD: 9-20-15
1st u/s 1-27-15: baby measuring 6wks2d :hb: 102bpm!!!
2nd u/s 2-17-15: No :hb:, baby stopped developing at 7.5 weeks-MMC - D&C 3/9/15
:bfp: 7-8-15 EDD: 3-13-16
beta#1 @ 23dpo=6720
beta#2 @ 25dpo=10521
u/s @ 6w1d :hb: 114!!!
u/s @ 8w3d :hb: 168!!!
u/s @ 12w4d NT scan great! :hb: 165!!!
u/s @ 14w6d TEAM GRAY!! (Ie: team blue sucks)
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Re: Gender disappointment anyone??

Postby jeepgirl88 » Mon Sep 21, 2015 9:38 am

Hey Skye,

I'm sorry that the gender isn't what you were hoping for. However, I think in the end you need to remember you are having a healthy pregnancy this time and that's what is most important. Little boys are really special as well! I know myself, after being ttc for almost a year, I decided that I would be thrilled no matter what the gender, I just wanted to be pregnant! Now don't get me wrong I've always wanted a little girl and I'm thrilled we are team pink, but after I got my BFP I wasn't even hoping for a girl really. I kept looking at little boy outfits and thinking it was a boy so that I'd be equally excited about a boy if that is what it was. I also kept thinking that my DH would be more excited about a boy which I bet yours will be too! Ideally I would like one of each anyways so it didn't really matter to me. Now TWO boys, that's another story haha.

I know that you had a couple mc's before this so if I were you I would think of this baby as a blessing, no matter what the gender. After a couple of losses, you have a little miracle growing inside you, and you are going to be his Mom!

I'm not sure if anything I'm saying helps at all, but I guess there isn't much you can do about it now anyways, you can't change what is. I think you should come up with a fun way to surprise your husband with the news that he is having a boy, and then try to start getting excited about little boy things. I'm sure you'll get your dream girl next time ;)
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Re: Gender disappointment anyone??

Postby skye skye » Mon Sep 21, 2015 10:57 am

Thanks Jeep. Yeah in all reality I should just be happy it's healthy at this point considering the hell I've been through in TTC with the time it's taken and the losses. But I think that is part of what makes it so difficult...the fact that I have literally been through the ringer and in the end getting screwed out of the little girl I've always dreamed of. It makes it sooo hard. 8O You're right, my DH wanted a boy more than anything - but he is also the type that gloats about things, so I'm not even going to tell him until the doctor's gender scan in a month. Even then I don't really want to tell him because I know he's just going to be a jerk about it and rub it in. I just keep praying that the lady was wrong somehow - but like she said, once you see a wiener it's very unlikely it'll just go away. I mean it stuck out pretty far, I doubt it could just be swollen girl parts - there weren't even 3 lines. :roll: DH and I also have the issue you had with boy names - we agree on NOTHING. We're almost to the point of arguing over it - he's stuck on just HAVING to have this "family tradition" which would mean baby gets his name as the middle...even though I feel he's being greedy since he's already getting the last name. Basically my ONE rule/desire when it came to a boy name is that the middle name was James (my daddy's name) - and of course I didn't want the first name to be horrible. But I was more open to first names due to me wanting a certain middle. We just keep going back and forth over it - and he feels that HE deserves to get his name as the middle. UM, seriously? Yeah because DH has done a whole hell of a lot for this pregnancy :doh: :mad: I'm already upset that I'm not getting the girl I want - and now I have DH insisting he is more "deserving" in choosing the name when I am literally the one who has and will do EVERYTHING to carry & deliver this kid. It's so beyond frustrating. That is actually one of the reasons I didn't want a boy to begin with. UGH :roll: :roll: I will NOT be team blue - I am calling myself team GRAY. Gray will be my color scheme, I will gladly return ANY blue items we receive and will NOT be decorating with blue at all. (I hate the color anyway.lol)
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Married 12-13-14
:bfp: 7-9-14 natural mc @ 5wks6d 7-19-14
:bfp: 1-18-15 EDD: 9-20-15
1st u/s 1-27-15: baby measuring 6wks2d :hb: 102bpm!!!
2nd u/s 2-17-15: No :hb:, baby stopped developing at 7.5 weeks-MMC - D&C 3/9/15
:bfp: 7-8-15 EDD: 3-13-16
beta#1 @ 23dpo=6720
beta#2 @ 25dpo=10521
u/s @ 6w1d :hb: 114!!!
u/s @ 8w3d :hb: 168!!!
u/s @ 12w4d NT scan great! :hb: 165!!!
u/s @ 14w6d TEAM GRAY!! (Ie: team blue sucks)
u/s @ 19w5d HEALTHY baby! :hb: 140
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Re: Gender disappointment anyone??

Postby jeepgirl88 » Mon Sep 21, 2015 11:58 am

Ugh the name thing can be so hard! We had finally decided on Brandon if it was a boy but I didn't even like it at first. I think you guys should try to come up with something you both like! Or have you suggested to him that he can pick the first name if you can use James as the middle? Who knows he might surprise you like my DH did when he suggested Abigail for a middle name, after he was COMPLETELY opposed to that name when I suggested it before. Good luck!
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Re: Gender disappointment anyone??

Postby skye skye » Tue Sep 22, 2015 7:07 am

It is SOO beyond difficult! I like the name Brandon! Unfortunately our last name starts with a B as well so all B names are off our lists, I think it'd be a tongue twister.lol So far the ONLY name we both kind of like for a boy is Colton/Kolton. It's growing on me but it's not my favorite. My DH just likes the fact that it can be shortened to Colt (as in a Colt revolver)...UGH men. :wink: I had thought of just letting DH pick the first name and me getting James as the middle...that was until he started naming off names he liked. GAH...he's got some horrible taste! Love him to death, but OMG what is he thinking?! To give you an idea...he's come up with: Duke, Brooks, Charles, Jax (is that even a name?!), Ford (like the cars)...um 8O 8O 8O 8O
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Married 12-13-14
:bfp: 7-9-14 natural mc @ 5wks6d 7-19-14
:bfp: 1-18-15 EDD: 9-20-15
1st u/s 1-27-15: baby measuring 6wks2d :hb: 102bpm!!!
2nd u/s 2-17-15: No :hb:, baby stopped developing at 7.5 weeks-MMC - D&C 3/9/15
:bfp: 7-8-15 EDD: 3-13-16
beta#1 @ 23dpo=6720
beta#2 @ 25dpo=10521
u/s @ 6w1d :hb: 114!!!
u/s @ 8w3d :hb: 168!!!
u/s @ 12w4d NT scan great! :hb: 165!!!
u/s @ 14w6d TEAM GRAY!! (Ie: team blue sucks)
u/s @ 19w5d HEALTHY baby! :hb: 140
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Re: Gender disappointment anyone??

Postby jeepgirl88 » Tue Sep 22, 2015 9:33 am

lol Jax is the main character on Sons of Anarchy, but it's short for Jackson. Did he watch that show? I like Charles! Well actually not Charles so much as Charlie. I suggested it but my DH didn't go for it.
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Re: Gender disappointment anyone??

Postby skye skye » Tue Sep 22, 2015 10:23 am

I should have figured....DH was obsessed with that show. He actually did mention the name Jackson to me, which I don't think is totally horrible. I'm shocked I didn't catch the Jackson/Jax connection. HAHA. (I never watched the show, not my cup of tea). I just think that the name has become SOOO popular lately - it's like everyone under the sun is naming their boys Jackson/Jaxon. If it weren't so popular and trendy right now I might actually be okay with it though. Funny story is that when I came up with the girl name Gemma I was choosing it based on it being a version of my Mom's name. Come to find out the ONLY reason DH really liked it is due to that show - HA. :wink: :doh: I LOVE the name Charlie, but I've always liked that name for a little girl (Charlee Rose)- so for me it's hard to picture it on a boy. I know - weird, since Charlie is really a male's name. It was actually DH's step-grandfather's name, he went by Charlie. I also think of Charlie Brown, so that is another down side to the name for me. The other names he picked...Duke, really...kids would call him "dookey" and make fun of him! And Brooks, I'm not sure even what that is - I instantly think of the movie Mr. Brooks with Matt Damon (I think) where the guy is a psychopath. Um....And Ford, I about fell off the couch with that one. He works for a Ford dealership - come on!! :doh: 8O
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Married 12-13-14
:bfp: 7-9-14 natural mc @ 5wks6d 7-19-14
:bfp: 1-18-15 EDD: 9-20-15
1st u/s 1-27-15: baby measuring 6wks2d :hb: 102bpm!!!
2nd u/s 2-17-15: No :hb:, baby stopped developing at 7.5 weeks-MMC - D&C 3/9/15
:bfp: 7-8-15 EDD: 3-13-16
beta#1 @ 23dpo=6720
beta#2 @ 25dpo=10521
u/s @ 6w1d :hb: 114!!!
u/s @ 8w3d :hb: 168!!!
u/s @ 12w4d NT scan great! :hb: 165!!!
u/s @ 14w6d TEAM GRAY!! (Ie: team blue sucks)
u/s @ 19w5d HEALTHY baby! :hb: 140
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Re: Gender disappointment anyone??

Postby Danielle0614 » Fri Oct 09, 2015 7:00 am

Honestly, I think you are being totally selfish and ungrateful. To be utterly and totally disappointed with YOUR child just because he is a boy is just selfish!!! I have 3 boys and will be having #4 in January. Was I hoping for a girl each time, sure - but was I disappointed, no! I have also been through the ringer with this pregnancy. I've had 3 miscarriages in 14 months, I have GD, I have hypertension - which may lead to pre-eclampsia (it did w/ my last pregnancy) - and I was told this child could have had a disability (fortunately he does not)...

You need to learn to move past this. It sounds as though you have a little hatred towards your child and I fear that HE won't get the bonding moments after birth that every child needs - even in your signature you say "Team Blue Sucks" - I just can't get over how blatently selfish you are being. I know that I sound mean in this post - and I apologize if I get anyone upset, but your comments struck a personal chord for me and it just totally saddens me how disappointed in your child you already are and he isn't even born yet. There are some things in life you can't control, the gender of your baby, whether or not he becomes a doctor, or an artist or a stay-at-home dad. If you can't move past the gender issue - then you have a rude awakening for the rest of his life!
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Re: Gender disappointment anyone??

Postby skye skye » Wed Oct 14, 2015 8:08 am

Danielle - This forum is supposed to be a place of support where mom's to be can vent their frustrations and get KIND supportive responses. I realize people may not agree with everything that other's say - and that is fine...but I feel people should always keep to a NICE approach when commenting on posts, even if you disagree with what is being said. Your harsh tone and judgements are very much unwelcomed. Perhaps you should read the definition of the word disappointed - no where in my original post did I state anything about "hating" anything or anyone. Just because I am disappointed in the gender does not mean I hate my child or will be a bad mother, your indication of such is completely rude and uncalled for. If you took the time to read the post in it's entirety you'd see that the majority of the conversation in the thread (which mind you was last posted on about a MONTH ago) are about baby names and nothing more....no referencing hate, hostility, or overly extreme disappointment to the point of being a bad mother. Where you get off assuming any of that is beyond me. In my personal opinion it seems to me that you might be more disappointed or upset in your own situation than you are letting on and perhaps bottling up these emotions - hence your lashing out in your post. I am sorry you feel the need to bash me for feeling the way I do, but perhaps you should look at your own attitude before accusing anyone of being "hateful" because you actually come across that way yourself.
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Married 12-13-14
:bfp: 7-9-14 natural mc @ 5wks6d 7-19-14
:bfp: 1-18-15 EDD: 9-20-15
1st u/s 1-27-15: baby measuring 6wks2d :hb: 102bpm!!!
2nd u/s 2-17-15: No :hb:, baby stopped developing at 7.5 weeks-MMC - D&C 3/9/15
:bfp: 7-8-15 EDD: 3-13-16
beta#1 @ 23dpo=6720
beta#2 @ 25dpo=10521
u/s @ 6w1d :hb: 114!!!
u/s @ 8w3d :hb: 168!!!
u/s @ 12w4d NT scan great! :hb: 165!!!
u/s @ 14w6d TEAM GRAY!! (Ie: team blue sucks)
u/s @ 19w5d HEALTHY baby! :hb: 140
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Re: Gender disappointment anyone??

Postby AmberESL » Wed Oct 14, 2015 3:12 pm

I think she was trying to help you put things into perspective.

The fact that you are having a child at all, who I hope and assume is healthy, should very quickly outshine any disappointment.

Being "beyond devastated", "constantly in tears", and "so mad" after a scan that shows a healthy baby after two lost babies doesn't strike me as a typical maternal reaction. I think that was all Danielle was touching on.

There was a 50/50 chance it was going to be a boy, or "team barf" as you'd said. You're just projecting a very big shock & reaction to something that was incredibly likely.


I think venting is good. And here, in front of strangers, is probably a good place to do it. I definitely wouldn't repeat some of these things you've said here to family members also invested in this baby or they might misconstrue.

But support doesn't always come as someone blindly agreeing with you or coddling you. In this case it might be reminding you that after all your trials, you are having a baby. This baby is going to love you and want your love. It's not baby's fault he has a Y chromosome (it's dad's).
You can definitely be a little disappointed. But just let it be a whisper of disappointment. You're about to be a mom! That's gonna outweigh what color you dress him in and what toys he plays with.
(Also, I don't pretend to know what your family plans are or what might happen for you in the future, but if you ever do have a daughter, she's gonna have a big brother to look out for her and that's pretty awesome).
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Re: Gender disappointment anyone??

Postby SarahCHW » Thu Oct 15, 2015 7:07 am

Gender disappointment is fairly common. Just because you didn't feel it, or don't understand, doesn't mean you should judge. Part of the horrible feeling of gender disappointment is knowing that you shouldn't feel that way and feeling terrible about that. Skye is going to be a wonderful mother and there is no question about that, just like Amber and Danielle are also going to be the best moms to their little ones. No one here hates their baby.

Telling people how to feel is not kind, supportive, or helpful.
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Re: Gender disappointment anyone??

Postby skye skye » Thu Oct 15, 2015 8:51 am

Amber - I get that Danielle was coming at things with a different perspective. I am a very tolerant person and can appreciate the fact that others have varying views on things. What really offended me was the choice of vocabulary that was used in her post and the harsh tone she projected. To me, regardless of agreeing or not, you just don't come at someone like that. I am not expecting people to just blindly agree with me with or to coddle me even - but I do expect that people have a little more respect and tact when responding to such an emotional topic. I felt like a 5 year old being scolded, and to be quite honest no one should be made to feel that way when they are reaching out for support during a difficult time. There have been a few posts on this forum that have made me upset or "hit a cord" with me. Despite that, I didn't feel the need to bash the poster for their thoughts or feelings, and that is really what my post to Danielle was indicating. I respect that she has a differing opinion, I just think that it could have been shared in a more constructive and supportive manner. Thank you for your insight and response Amber - I appreciate your view.

Sarah - Thank you for your response, I agree with everything you said. I think the problem is that a lot of women - well people in general, do not understand gender disappointment or have not experienced it themselves. Unfortunately, those people do not make for the best advice givers considering the topic encompasses a situation that they have not experience themselves. Thank you for pointing that out. And thanks for the compliment, I think I'll be a great mom too! So will you! :wink:
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Married 12-13-14
:bfp: 7-9-14 natural mc @ 5wks6d 7-19-14
:bfp: 1-18-15 EDD: 9-20-15
1st u/s 1-27-15: baby measuring 6wks2d :hb: 102bpm!!!
2nd u/s 2-17-15: No :hb:, baby stopped developing at 7.5 weeks-MMC - D&C 3/9/15
:bfp: 7-8-15 EDD: 3-13-16
beta#1 @ 23dpo=6720
beta#2 @ 25dpo=10521
u/s @ 6w1d :hb: 114!!!
u/s @ 8w3d :hb: 168!!!
u/s @ 12w4d NT scan great! :hb: 165!!!
u/s @ 14w6d TEAM GRAY!! (Ie: team blue sucks)
u/s @ 19w5d HEALTHY baby! :hb: 140
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Re: Gender disappointment anyone??

Postby justxher » Wed Oct 28, 2015 1:18 pm

I think that what really helps for getting over gender disappointment is to realize that the image people have in their heads of what their little girl or little boy will be like is probably nowhere near what the reality will be like.

Some women just assume their little girls will like dressing up, playing with dolls, having tea parties, etc... but in reality their little girls might be very rough & tumble and like sports and playing in the mud and HATE dresses and dolls and everything pink. I know I was one of those girls for sure. You never know how your child's personality will develop so you can't really assume what their interests and mannerisms will be like based solely on their gender.

Your son is going to be who he is going to be, he certainly won't be a baby forever and he will eventually grow up become an adult and I think you should just try to focus on letting him show you who he is and enjoying the experience :)
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Re: Gender disappointment anyone??

Postby skye skye » Thu Oct 29, 2015 6:17 am

That is a very good point Justxher. Never thought of it that way! My sister was a tom boy - didn't like frilly pink and HATED dresses! For all we know I could have ended up with a girl who hated all the pink and frilly stuff I was looking forward to. And who knows - maybe my baby boy will like dolls and dress up?? The best of both worlds :wink: :wink: I think that really put things into perspective - thanks! :mrgreen: :mrgreen:
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Married 12-13-14
:bfp: 7-9-14 natural mc @ 5wks6d 7-19-14
:bfp: 1-18-15 EDD: 9-20-15
1st u/s 1-27-15: baby measuring 6wks2d :hb: 102bpm!!!
2nd u/s 2-17-15: No :hb:, baby stopped developing at 7.5 weeks-MMC - D&C 3/9/15
:bfp: 7-8-15 EDD: 3-13-16
beta#1 @ 23dpo=6720
beta#2 @ 25dpo=10521
u/s @ 6w1d :hb: 114!!!
u/s @ 8w3d :hb: 168!!!
u/s @ 12w4d NT scan great! :hb: 165!!!
u/s @ 14w6d TEAM GRAY!! (Ie: team blue sucks)
u/s @ 19w5d HEALTHY baby! :hb: 140
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Re: Gender disappointment anyone??

Postby mandylgibbs » Tue Nov 03, 2015 9:41 am

There is another post somewhere buried on this forum that talks about gender disappointment. It is in no way an indication of the type of mother you're going to be. Someone had mention that it was like you're experiencing a death (even if it is just the death of an idea). I read your post a couple days ago but I reserved judgement knowing that we would find out what the gender of our baby was Monday.
I can't say that I felt the exact same thing BUT after the excitement of the ultrasound when I had time to myself I started thinking about the baby boy I'm not going to have. It made me sad. I thought about how many people in my family really wanted a boy and I honestly don't know if we'll be able to conceive another. You have plenty of time to mourn the loss of your dream and to form a new dream. Don't let anyone rush the timing of that.
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