Two Week Wait

The affectionately named "honeymoon trimester". Your belly is getting bigger and you start to feel your first baby kicks. Are you having a boy or a girl?
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Re: Gender disappointment anyone??

Tue Nov 03, 2015 10:46 am

Mandy - Thanks for the response. Yeah it was in a sense somewhat similar to experiencing a death, even if it was just the death of an idea. I'm starting to come around more and more each day, but I can't say I'm to the point that I'm excited about having a boy -and I'm not sure that day will come to be honest. I'm not saying I hate my child or anything like that - I'll love him no matter what...but I still have that strong desire to have a little girl. It's hard when you envision something your entire life and then when it happens it turns out the be the opposite of what you had been dreaming of. I think it does give some insight once you go through something similar as you have - yeah you're not angry and hating your child, but that disappointment is there when you find out the gender. I know I really wanted a girl -and I think of what it would be like if it did turn out to be a girl. I would be super happy and excited, but then there's part of me that knows how badly my DH wanted a boy, so I think I would be somewhat disappointed for him that he didn't get his dream. I really think the only way a woman can be 100% happy with what she gets gender-wise when pregnant is those moms out there who have boy/girl of both worlds! HAHA :wink:

Re: Gender disappointment anyone??

Tue Nov 03, 2015 11:14 am

Here's another way that I totally relate to this:
In my signature I have my kids listed- We're adopting them from foster care and we've had them for a year and a half now. Of course, I wanted to be a foster mom. I wanted to be a mom however I possibly could. It took us months and months of training and waiting.
So when our kids came we were so happy and we're still so happy and grateful for our family. At the same time- I have my moments when I just don't see how this could possibly be the plan for me. It isn't easy and it isn't how I envisioned it. We get a lot of judgement from extended family about how we chose to start our family. When days get REALLY bad I wonder if I'm just absolutely crazy for thinking I could handle this or I think "How is this even my problem, when I'm not the one who raised them from babies then abandoned them??" I'm expected to help them learn and grow, clothe them, feed them, sacrifice my wants and needs for them AND treat them like my own yet we have a court order that they can't call us mom and dad- we have to ask for permission to cut their hair- we are visited by social workers 3 times a month- etc. I have moments where they lie to my face, pull away from hugs, the baby asks for her "other mommy" when she's in trouble, and I think- WHAT AM I TRYING TO DO?!
The important thing is that you're here because you want to be a good mom. You're admitting that you're human, and this version of your life isn't exactly what you expected it to be. At the same time you have family pressure and exterior pressure saying that if you feel this way- you're not good enough. That makes it even harder to believe you're enough at times.
You know, my foster (soon to be adopted babies) have no idea that sometimes I think it is too hard or that sometimes it is hard to feel bonded or close to them because of how they treat me or how they react to situations. They know I love them because I show that to them everyday, and I vent my frustrations elsewhere.

Re: Gender disappointment anyone??

Tue Nov 03, 2015 11:24 am

Mandy, you're totally right. I am here trying to vent my frustrations and admit I'm human. I mean heck - I didn't even talk to my DH about my gender disappointment like I have on here. He knows I wanted a girl, BUT he doesn't know how strong my feelings are/were. I even opted for an early gender scan WITHOUT DH because I felt I needed time to process the news on my own. So like you, I'm trying to vent my frustrations elsewhere. I think for me I just didn't expect that I'd get some of the negative comments I have gotten in response to my post - especially on a site like this. It makes me feel good to know that there are people out there who get this whole thing though. That is AWESOME that you are a foster mom! It takes a strong person to do that, good for you! How long do you have to do the visits and such before the kids are legally yours? Do the kids have to agree to be adopted? I'm not sure how all that works but I would have looked into it if we weren't able to have children on our own (and still may look into it one day). That is really commendable that you are taking in THREE kids, that is a lot of work! Are they all siblings? I'm sure it's an adjustment to them, their life is not turning out to be what they had imagined either - but I'm sure once they see you're there permanently they'll start to open up. Foster kids have a very hard time with trust and emotions, it might take a lot to break them out of their shell, but once you do you'll be glad you took on the challenge. In the long run when they get older they will see what you and your DH did and be appreciative, right now it's just hard to see through child's eyes.

Re: Gender disappointment anyone??

Tue Nov 03, 2015 11:43 am

We only have a couple more months before we get to the adoption. We actually have a court date Friday that will give us a more definitive time. They all want to be adopted so we don't have any hurdles there. We just have to get through a couple months of hard stuff. I'm just tired of telling myself "a few more months" " a few more months". I just want them to get through all the bad stuff and get to living a childhood that they deserve.

Re: Gender disappointment anyone??

Tue Nov 03, 2015 12:22 pm

I've been telling myself "a few more months" almost this entire pregnancy..HA. :wink: Good motto :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

Re: Gender disappointment anyone??

Sun Nov 15, 2015 5:23 pm

Thanks for your post! I'm really glad that there are other people out there who may be disappointed about gender etc. I am not there yet (only 11 weeks), but I am already nervous about gender reveal.

I feel like my family-- DH, DH's mom, my mom-- they are all hoping for a boy. My DH always gets really excited when he talk about playing ball with his son, but whenever I mention the possibility of we having a daughter, he'd always get mum and sort of goes silent. :-| Both my mother-in-law and mother talk about the baby as if it's a boy. They both have the idea that it's better to have a boy first.

I think I'm indifferent between girl or boy, as long as she/he is healthy, but I'm terrified that it will be a girl and everyone will be so disappointed. For these reasons, I'm partially hopeful that it's a boy too. I feel terrible for feeling like this (i.e. wanting a gender more than the other). I hope the baby can't read my mind or sense what I'm typing, ha!

I've thought about not finding out the gender too. This way we all have something to look forward to and it will be a wonderful surprise either way. Though a part of me is also curious. :jump: But, I'm also afraid of feeling disappointed. Ugh! Can't make up my mind. :help:

Re: Gender disappointment anyone??

Mon Nov 16, 2015 1:08 pm

I say do whatever is going to make you happy. Perhaps you can do what I did and get a private scan early on (like 15 weeks) - I went alone to that scan so I could find out by myself and adjust to the idea. Of course I was the one who had gender disappointment issues - so that worked for me. If you're indifferent and are scared of everyone else's reaction - I say keep the gender a secret from everyone until birth. You just will have to have your DH on the same page with you on that. I'm still not entirely thrilled about having a boy since I wanted a baby girl SO bad. That being said, DH and I have agreed to keep the gender a secret until my baby shower, where we'll be doing a gender reveal. Originally I wanted to wait until birth, but DH was upset about that and didn't want to wait that long. We compromised on doing the gender reveal at the shower - that's still almost the entire pregnancy,just a month or so earlier than I would have liked. Oh well. Hoping things turn out for you girl! :mrgreen: :mrgreen:
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