Thinking of ending my marriage

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Thinking of ending my marriage

Postby phyllisp44 » Sun Sep 21, 2014 6:33 am

Hi, I'm currently 30 weeks pregnant, and I have a almost 2.5 year old daughter. Recently my husband has stopped going to all my appts, due to work reasons. I was put in the hospital for observation the other day, and he couldn't even pick me up. I'm a very high risk pregnancy, I delivered my daughter at 32 weeks due to eclampsia and my placenta abrupting. Recently my parents have been doing all his work bc I'm a stay at home mom, and he tells me that this is my job, I'm responsible for the care or my daughter, I've been really sick lately. He has been extremely mean to me in ways I've never thought possible. What am I suppose to do? I don't really want to continue in this marriage with him, he's changed as a person completely. I have no income to support myself.
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Re: Thinking of ending my marriage

Postby B Michaelson » Sun Sep 21, 2014 6:55 am

Would you look into marriage counselling? It may not be the answer but usually there is a lot more going on than we see at the surface of a relationship when it gets to this point. I think walking away is very hard but soetimes staying is harder. He needs to be willing to try it too but if it does work out and you guys can respect each other again it would do wonders for your children. Even if it just allows you to separate on good terms it is worth it.

I grew up in a broken home and there was a lot of anger/hatred. It poisoned everything. It still affects my life and will trickle down to my kids in tiny ways. There is nothing worth it and being kind to each other even if it is the hardest thing you have ever done will be worth the world to your kids. You can only control what you do, not your husband, and your kids will see it all. I haven't spoken to my dad in over 10 years because he just refused to give up the grudge. It makes me sad to know holding onto his anger was more important than us, but he made his choice.

I wish you the best and hope it all works out.
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Re: Thinking of ending my marriage

Postby tulip123 » Wed Sep 24, 2014 12:06 pm

Have you spoken to him asking why he behaves this way ? Or was he like this since the beginning of marriage ? Maybe he is tensed about having 2 kids ? I think the first step would be to just ask him to sit down for a few minutes and tell whatever you are feeling.
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Re: Thinking of ending my marriage

Postby sunmaid » Wed Oct 08, 2014 2:15 pm

I think you need to get to the bottom of what is going on. If this is his general character then YOU need to spend some time to heal from your pregnancy. It will only be more traumatic and stressful to split now than to deal with a sub par spouse.

One should NEVER divorce out of anger or have your divorce fueled by anger. It will affect your kids and it will hurt you to hold on to that for the rest of your life. And you will need to in order to have any peace about ending your marriage.

Get to the bottom of why things are the way they are and see if it can be fixed.. Figure out what the real problem and put your hurt and anger away. If it is irreconcilable AND there is no bad feelings, you have a healthy divorce on your hands. Because a bad divorce is not any better than a bad patch in a marriage.
Me - December 30, 1980 33 years old
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Weston Jason - May 24 2011 3 years old
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Re: Thinking of ending my marriage

Postby Mamahen » Mon Oct 20, 2014 11:51 am

I also agree that you guys should get counseling. You need to have a talk with him that your health is at risk and you need things to change. You want to be part of the change. You want him to be part of the change. Make sure your talk isn't going to alienate or attack him, but firmly state that you want to work on your relationship together.

You can make a plan to move in with parents for the short term while he comes to terms with serious counseling. Depending on how serious things are at home.

I am also divorced. I did not want the divorce. My husband just walked out - things were... not awful, but not awesome. He decided a good marriage should be easier and better and he didn't want to try. So he just one day left. Literally. Bought a house and moved out a week after announcing his intentions.

We had a 15mo old daughter at the time. I showed him tons of research on the downsides of divorce on kids. He thought it would be better for him and our daughter if he had his own life. HE WAS WRONG. VERY WRONG.

We have a wonderful co parenting relationship. We are poster children for the BEST POSSIBLE way divorced people can get along. We do holidays together. We do BBQs together. We compromise on everything. We treat each other like family - brother and sister - we co parent our daughter and we communicate very well. This a RARE situation to be in for divorced parents. And despite all of that, it's still really hard and it's getting harder for my daughter to share households, go back and forth, she's confused about why we have this dynamic. She confused about my new marriage and our new baby on the way and how that relates to her Daddy. We have behavioral challenges that I think are very much wrapped up in shared custody lifestyle.

My ex husband regrets his choice to leave. I'm certain of it. He has given up a lot to have his own life and not bother with our marriage. And it wasn't worth it. He gave up half his parenting time. He gave up being her main male role model (I'm remarried to a great guy). He gave up a great relationship with her - she really hates going to his house and leaving my house behind. It's a struggle to keep her stable between two houses.

It sounds like things are worse for you then they were for us - and if you are in an abusive household - emotional or physical - you have a tough choice to make. But if this is something that can be fixed with reconnecting through counseling and a change of perspective and priorities then TAKE IT. Make your marriage and family the commitment and make it work!

Martha
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Re: Thinking of ending my marriage

Postby luvmy2boys73 » Tue Oct 28, 2014 8:02 am

Mamahen, it's like you just wrote my story (except I have 2 boys with my ex). My youngest was 3 when he left. He didn't want to put any effort into making the marriage work. We had gone to counseling for a while before he left, but he was never really committed to trying anything. We have a pretty good relationship now and communicate pretty well, though we have our moments. He's not very good at compromising.

Phyllisp44, I agree with everyone else who suggested counseling, but keep this in mind... Counseling can easily turn into bashing sessions, as mine always did. I told the counselor all the things he did to make me angry or hurt me, and he always tried to get a private appointment right before our joint appointment so he could be first to tell her all the things he hated about me without me being able to defend myself. That will never work! I learned AFTER our divorce that what I really should have done was focus more on how I reacted to his behavior. Remember the saying "two wrongs don't make a right"? When he would hurt me, I would wall myself off and be distant, or would lash out and be nasty to him because I was hurt. After we split, I stopped focusing on his flaws and I spent a lot of time focusing on repairing myself and praying, for the sake of my sanity and giving my kids a good role model. I couldn't control if he wanted to act like a jerk, but I could control how I reacted to him. The result: the dramatic change in my behavior had a positive effect on him and he began to change as well. He still acts like a jerk from time to time and I have to pause and remind myself to act respectfully even when I don't want to. But now he usually keeps it in check and we get along well enough to include him in holidays, birthdays, and other family events. In fact, right now he is living with my mother while he looks for a new home! Our lives are a lot less stressful and our kids are much better off than if we were the "typical" divorced couple.

If you apply that kind of thinking now and during counseling, if counseling is needed, you may save your marriage and your husband will become a new man. It is a very hard thing to do to focus on your own shortcomings and work on changing them, but the reward is worth it. We all have things we can work on improving in ourselves. It's tough, but you can do it. Good luck to you. I hope it all works well for you.
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