Terminal illnesses

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Re: Terminal illnesses

Postby ete29 » Mon Dec 24, 2012 8:25 am

Lisa, Belle and all you other mamas to angels....how are you doing on this Christmas Eve? I am so sad. I miss Julie so much, and my son keeps talking about the next baby that will come (he doesn't get where babies come from) because he doesn't have anyone to play with :cry:

My husbands wants another, and I so wish in my heart that I wanted to do it all again. It feels like such an act of trust to face your fate and bravely conceive another child when we all know anything can happen and sometimes it does. I don't feel that brave, and I am tired. I pray everyday for the strength and optimism required to have another pregnancy, but it feels like time is ticking...like its now or never. My endometriosis is getting worse since Julie died because I'm no longer breastfeeding...and my son just turned four. I feel like if I wait too long my son won't bond to a sibling, and maybe I won't even be able to conceive. Sigh.

Thanks for reading, I just had to get that off my chest this morning.

Merry christmas, may God bless us all.
DS Dec'08
DD Jul'10 dx w/high risk neuroblastoma June '11-became an angel oct '12
Early M/C July '13
DD Jan'15
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Re: Terminal illnesses

Postby macleesy » Fri Jan 18, 2013 5:22 pm

Huge hugs, Sorry I'm so slow to this, and I hope that the holiday season were as kind and gentle to you and your family as possible. That first Christmas, and in fact all the first anniversaries, are so hard. Your grief is still so new, it seems impossible to imagine you will ever be happy again, and able to enjoy simple pleasures everyone else takes for granted. But eventually you will find it is possible to have joy and sorrow at the same time in the same place. You will never forget your beautiful girl, and from here onwards Christmas and birthdays and every special occasion will always be a balancing act. Be kind to yourself now more than ever - the period around 3-6 months was by far the hardest for me. Your grief is still so raw, yet it seems everyone else has pushed it from their minds. It is still such a short time in the general scheme of things - I was still crying every day and simple things like life take such effort. But you can do this Hun.

The decision to have another baby is so difficult - there is never a right time, and it is such a leap of faith - noone can tell you everything is going to be alright and it is so scary to open yourself to the risk when you are still so hurt and raw. initially when we thought about ttc after Connor died, I was just wanting to bandaid over the hurt from those empty arms and aching heart. But then our desire for a new baby and sibling for Erin exceeded the hurt from risking it all again - I know in some ways we were still in denial, but facing the possibility of another happening again hurts too much. I think once you have experienced loss of a child, you are forever changed, because you know that happily ever after doesn't always happen, and that that most awful thing is not just something that happens to other people - your shell is broken, and those cracks will always be there.

Having said that, that leap of faith was well worth it, and Annah has brought so much healing and joy to our family. It was only when she was here that I truly realized she would never replace Connor, and I wouldn't want her to. That rainbow pregnancy is the hardest thing in the world, and there is no easy way to do it. you just get through it. But when the time is right for you, it is worth all the risk and pain and fear. Again big hugs I hope you can find the right answer for you and your family. xx
Lisa
Erin Nicole19 Dec 07
Annah Paige 2 Jan 11
Connor John 26 May to 7 Aug 09
My beautiful angel. :angel: So far from my reach, but so close to my heart.

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Re: Terminal illnesses

Postby ete29 » Fri Jan 18, 2013 5:50 pm

lisa, thank you so much for writing! It is nice to have the holidays over, we are doing ok. I've been so sick these last few weeks with colds/flu and then I had my own cancer scare (not cancer!) so I've been preoccupied. I still don't know if I want to have another child, but every time I look at Julie's pictures or videos, I think, how could I not have another? These babies of mine are so precious, I know it would be wonderful (eventually) to have another. I'm still just too tired and fragile. I'm going to give myself some more time and hope that when spring returns, so will some sunshine in our lives. and perhaps the faith to try for another.

How is your pregnancy going? Is this one as hard as the one after Connor?
DS Dec'08
DD Jul'10 dx w/high risk neuroblastoma June '11-became an angel oct '12
Early M/C July '13
DD Jan'15
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Re: Terminal illnesses

Postby Janelle731 » Mon Mar 25, 2013 2:41 pm

Praying for your family <3
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I also have a one year old baby girl :) She will almost be two when the new baby arrives :)
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