Becoming Dependant on your significant other - struggling??

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Becoming Dependant on your significant other - struggling??

Postby fiver18 » Thu Aug 08, 2013 12:01 pm

Ladies,

I am having a hard time adjusting to the fact that I am going to have be dependent on my husband when I have these children. I currently make a great salary and outside of bills we don't 'share' our money. We each have our separate accounts, this leads to no fighting or arguing over money. However, I have to go on medical leave in 1 month and will be making a little less money (80%) and then I will transition into Mat leave when the babies are born. In Canada I think we max out at $1600/month for the year we are on mat leave which is substantially less than I make right now.

After Mat leave I plan on staying home as we are having two and child care runs 600-800/month per child and as my husband doesn't have a set schedule and works ALOT and out of town a lot and if not he's home late, I essentially would be the full time care giver after work.

My issue is that I am having a hard time coming to grips with the fact that I am now going to be almost 100% dependent on him. He's completely okay with this but I'm struggling. I worked really hard to get myself to where I am at today and I have no issue giving it up for my children I am just wondering if people had any coping mechanisms or potential solutions to this anxiety that I am feeling.
Me - Amber - 31
DH - Dustin - 30
TTC - 30 months
IVF Fresh 5 day Transfer - April 14, 2013
Beta 1 - 178 (8dp 5dt)
Beta 2 - 442 (10dp 5dt)
Beta 3 - 3083 (14dp 5dt)
U/S may 11 - twins!!!!
Baby a - 119 baby b - 116

http://fertileclimb.blogspot.ca/
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Re: Becoming Dependant on your significant other - strugglin

Postby buggie » Thu Aug 08, 2013 2:35 pm

Perhaps combine accounts before you have to take your leave so you are used to the numbers being meshed together? Then when your salary goes down, the whole total will go down and it'll seem less like YOU have less and more like both of you have less. My husband and I have had a joint account for everything since we were engaged and its much easier to not pay attention when the money just goes in and all you see is the total.

And this is dumb advice, but once my kids came I didn't have time to worry about money or bills. My husband ended up taking over that part of our life.
Robyn
IVF #1: Twins!
TWIN BOYS Emmett and Beckett arrived at 29w2d!
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Re: Becoming Dependant on your significant other - strugglin

Postby kc12345 » Thu Aug 08, 2013 5:39 pm

I went thru this when my first DD was born. It was VERY hard on me. My husband NEVER told me what to spend, when to spend it, etc,., it was definitely OUR money but I still felt very uncomfortable. I almost felt vulnerable if that makes sense. In time you'll get more comfortable with it I bet.
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Re: Becoming Dependant on your significant other - strugglin

Postby hazelbazel » Thu Aug 08, 2013 9:24 pm

I also went through the same thing. Some of the things that made me feel better however is that A- I was as successful as he was and didn't "need" him for anything (hence had a high degree of self confidence that I could support myself and family if it was ever needed) and B-he could have just as easily stopped working and given up his career- this made me feel like we were making the decision together therefore whoever made the money was making it for everyone and C- lastly, MAKE him stay home with the babies WITHOUT you for a few days! LOL! Then both he and you will KNOW that your job is actually harder than his and you deserve your part of the family's income probably more than he does! haha! Seriously, as funny as it sounds, it really does level the playing feild so that you guys have a ton of respect for what one another does every day. Good luck to you! :)
DS conceived after many rounds of clomid, 5 IUI's and a vericocele repair- born 4/1/08
DD conceived naturally first try! - born 1/29/10
Boy/Girl Twins! Conceived after 3 months of trying, BFP month was a clomid cycle- born 7/8/13
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Re: Becoming Dependant on your significant other - strugglin

Postby babydust2me » Fri Aug 09, 2013 5:54 am

I think maybe you just need to make sure that you're confident in your decision to stop working. If you're not totally OK with it, you're never going to be happy "depending" on your DH.

OF course I can't totally understand the separate money thing. I know it works for some people, but DH and I have had a joint account since we were egaged and it's worked very well for us.
Cassidy (29) DH (30) TTC#1 since Oct 08

IUI#2 - BFP!
Morgan 3lbs13oz & Reagan 3lbs10oz born at 33 weeks after 3 years TTC
19 days in the NICU

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Re: Becoming Dependant on your significant other - strugglin

Postby Bailierae » Fri Aug 09, 2013 8:35 am

I haven't had to deal with this yet, but when the time comes I know I will struggle. My husband is the breadwinner in the family but its still nice to contribute. I know that once the babies are here he won't mind if I'm not bringing in any money but it makes me feel bad that he is the sole provider. I think I'll hopefully get over that pretty fast though with taking care of two babies and that being more important/beneficial to our family than me bringing in some money. Hopefully as time goes on you will feel more comfortable with the idea and if not like Others said consider still working or maybe even working part time. :)
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DH- 25

TTC #1 Since 2009
3 Angel Babies in 2012
IUI #5 BFP 6/4/13
14dpiui Beta 322. Progestrone 102
16dpiui Beta 1097
20dpiui Beta 5445
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8/19 TWO BOYS!!
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Re: Becoming Dependant on your significant other - strugglin

Postby fiver18 » Sun Aug 11, 2013 6:16 am

thanks for all of the great advice everyone!!!

HazelBazel - I am certainly going to make him stay at home for a couple of days without me so that I he can see that the job is not so easy.
Me - Amber - 31
DH - Dustin - 30
TTC - 30 months
IVF Fresh 5 day Transfer - April 14, 2013
Beta 1 - 178 (8dp 5dt)
Beta 2 - 442 (10dp 5dt)
Beta 3 - 3083 (14dp 5dt)
U/S may 11 - twins!!!!
Baby a - 119 baby b - 116

http://fertileclimb.blogspot.ca/
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Re: Becoming Dependant on your significant other - strugglin

Postby GreekMythFreak » Wed Aug 14, 2013 12:57 am

I don't have any great advice as DH and I have always shared money and accounts, but I wanted to send you a HUG. Oh the adjustments you make for kiddos ;)
Robin (31)
DH - P (32)
DS - D (4.5)
DD - W (3)
DS - W (3)

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Re: Becoming Dependant on your significant other - strugglin

Postby Emerald05 » Wed Aug 14, 2013 6:51 pm

*lurking*

Hey fiver,

I was in a very similar situation, and I really value having separate accounts (My parents fought over money when I was a kid, and ny dad told my mom she was useless because she didn't make money. So I have a complex about it). DH and I decided he should pay me like a childcare provider, so he puts money into my account every paycheck that is 100% mine to do with as I please. (A large chunk goes to bills!) It's nowhere near what I made, but I love having my own money I don't feel guilty about spending.

This was actually DHs idea, since he didn't want me to keep working just because I didn't want to feel dependent on him. I'm actually going to work a bit part time for now, but will most likely stay home after the next kid.

Obviously when it comes to the money, I recognize that the money is both of ours no matter where it is. And DH is great and really values me staying home. But this makes me feel so much better psychologically, even if its just a mind game of the monies location!
Me: 26 & DH: 27
IVF #1: BFP 9/10/12 @ 5dp5dt!
DD born May 8, 2013!

Surprise BFP Mar 27, 2014!
Beta #1 @ 22 dpo: 1617
Due: Nov 27, 2014

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