How soon after the death of a baby?

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How soon after the death of a baby?

Postby macleesy » Fri Oct 02, 2009 6:45 pm

I understand that many of you are pregnant after miscarriages, and I would appreciate hearing your experiences too, but specifically is anyone pregnant again after the death of a baby carried to term or thereabouts, or any baby who lived and spent time in the NICU? Could you please share your experience with me if you can bear to?

The prospect of another child has entered my head a few times, I am not ready yet, but am trying to get an idea of when I might be, If we should ever risk it happening again to another baby...

I would like to know how soon after babyloss you got pregnant, how you came to the decision, and how you are feeling know. Also if anyone has delivered, how you are feeling with the new arrival?

Thanks so much, I appreciate the potential pain of bringing it up again but it would really help me
Lisa
Erin Nicole19 Dec 07
Annah Paige 2 Jan 11
Connor John 26 May to 7 Aug 09
My beautiful angel. :angel: So far from my reach, but so close to my heart.

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Postby Tuckersmom » Fri Oct 02, 2009 7:38 pm

I'm so sorry for your loss. i don't have any advice to offer you though.
DD Aug 29, 2010 - we have a one year old in the house!
baby number two expected around Feb 20 via c section.
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Postby kjdandjbd » Fri Oct 02, 2009 7:52 pm

My daughter passed away 14 hours after being born, so I am fairly familiar with the NICU. She passed away in June of 2008, she was 34 weeks when she was born. She was our first child.

We waited until January of 09 to start TTC again, we didn't conceive until this August. What brought us to to conclusion to try again was the fact that we wanted a living family. We knew if we lost one, two, or however many more children we still wanted to try. My husband says there is always hope, and that is the only thing giving me comfort right now. My hope drives me.

Right now I am feeling terrified, happy, sad, and every emotion in between. I am so scared I will lose this child too, but deep down I know if something happened we would try again.

My NICU experience was terrifying, but I cherish it so much because that is where I held my daughter for the first and last time. The first time I saw her was two hours after delivery, she was covered in wires and tubes, it was so hard seeing her struggle. The next day they told us she would not make it. She had Potter's Syndrome, (no kidneys) and there was nothing they could do for her. We went in and they passed her to me, we had her baptized and then they took her breathing tube out, that's when I saw all of her beautiful face. She passed soon after.

It took my husband and I a long time to gain the strength to try again, and it was very hard. I was bitter and angry every month when my period came, but that was to be expected.

I am sorry for your loss. I really hope sharing my experience has helped you in your decision. **HUG**
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Postby macleesy » Mon Oct 05, 2009 5:37 pm

Thank you ladies for your kind words.

kjdandjbd - thank you so much for sharing, I am feeling so lost and scared. we have one beautiful daughter, and we have no idea if other children are likely to have the same problems as Connor, as no underlying genetic cause has been found - so are trying to decide if it is even fair to try to have another child. I need to know where how I am feeling fits into things, you know?

Unfortunately after 10 weeks, NICU started to feel like home, but its a home I don't want to go back to ever again, as I don't think I will ever be able to feel hopeful in there again
Lisa
Erin Nicole19 Dec 07
Annah Paige 2 Jan 11
Connor John 26 May to 7 Aug 09
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Postby cosmicblu » Tue Oct 06, 2009 8:17 am

We never got to see our little boy alive in our arms. I woke on a sunday morning at 34 wks. not feeling him with his usual schedule of waking me up I immediately knew something was wrong. Did all the things, ate, layed on my side, made loud noises, anything to get a response. We later went to the hospital to find out that he had passed. We didnt find out till after the delivery that the cord was wrapped so tightly around his thigh leaving bruises. dh still gave him his first bath. We held him for hrs. till the funeral home came to take care of him. We didnt start immediately trying to heal emotionally and witht he c-sec. it wasnt smart for at least 6 mths. But for financial reasons its been 2 yrs. now and we are finally pg. Even when we werent trying and I knew there was no way I could be that particular month I was also bitter to see my period arrive.. Seeing pregnant ladies, babies, baby furniture anything like that would make me sad. This pregnancy is actually a very welcomed surprise! :D And once we found out we realized how long we've really been waiting, scared to death of course right now of everyyyy little thing. Dr. is very good and understands this and goes right to the u/s machine or whatever it is that will make me calm and happy again. DH tells me not to worry one bit, it was meant to be this way so nothing will go wrong... I still cant help but hold my breath everytime I think of these next months to come. My lil guy was already 5 lb. 12 oz. and 20 in. long, he would have had a wonderful chance of making it if he had been born alive even that day. Its all I can do to restrain myself from begging my dr. to do another scheduled c-sec. as soon as this one is as viable to cut the chances of anything happening again. Im already feeling the tiniest of flutterings and little things, and even though its always such a joy to feel these things with each one I dont think Ive been happier before to be feeling them :D such mixed emotions and fears, but given the right amount of time to heal even as hard as that time may be, when it happens again even through the fears you just feel so alive and hopeful still and so ready to fill the longing that was left by the loss before. I wish you all the luck in the world, in healing no matter how long it will take, cherishing all the little things and the amount of time you did have with your little angel, and on to a happy and healthy pregnancy and new wiggling precious little one in your arms again one day. Theres certainly no set time on these things. I would have done almost anything to be pregnant again right away but deep down I knew I wasnt really ready. Take your time hun, and try to enjoy all the little things until you know your ready again. ((( hugs)))
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Angel Baby DS- lost at 34 wks 1-7-07
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Postby jade2009 » Thu Oct 08, 2009 4:10 pm

Lisa,
I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am.. I followed your story very closley with Connor and I was so touched.... I had an early m/c so sorry I cant give you alot of good advice... My heart goes out to you and your family.... Big Hugsxoxo
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Postby hopeSutton » Fri Oct 09, 2009 8:16 pm

lisa, i too have read connors touching story.

We only lost marley 4 weeks ago, @20 weeks.. I think you have read her story?

well, I am feeling now that I am ready to try again. I feel like being pregnant with a healthybaby will help me get through the Pain of losing marley a little bit. I know it wont take it away, as grieving for marley will always be a part of my life and heart, but I know that if i dont try again, and let the horrible fear stand in my way, I will at some stage of mylife regret it.

we fought for Marley so incredibly hard, because we wanted a 3rd child. Well we have our 3rd child, Marley, but we want a child that we can watch grow, and cuddle, and laugh at, and teach to walk, and talk..

Unfortuntely, as we dont have her post mortem results yet we dont knwo what caused her fetalis hydrops and hygroma.. so there is a chance her illness was caused by a recessive genetic gene, which means 1 in 4 or our kids would get it, if that were the case, we woiuld never ever try again.. so, we have to wait in limbo, wanting so desperately to try again, but unsure if we are able to...

my heart goes out to you, the loss of a child is like having your heart unstictched from your chest and removed, I pray that you find the strength in being able to take a chance on loving another baby, when, is entrirely up to you,,,

I am rready to try again as soon as we get the ok...


so much love goes out to you and your family..xxxx
Me 31 Dh 35
DD 22, DS 4 DD Marley Memphis Angel 2 years , DD 20 months , 3 early losses, + 1 stillbirth
Incomeptent cervix
This time: cervical shortening from 17wks. Rescue cerclage placed at 22wks, was 100% effaced, 1cm dilated, waters bulging.

we were done having babies.. but Surprise!

]Image Cystic Hygroma with fetalis hydrops, we love you Marley

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Postby 2boyshoping4agirl » Fri Oct 09, 2009 9:53 pm

I just lost my daughter on 9-19 at 26 weeks to a ventricular septal defect and placental deficiency due to me having caught Fifth's Disease at 15 weeks. I'm so sorry for your loss. We are waiting on our genetics report to know if Rachel's VSD was genetic or random. If it was random, we are ready to TTC again asap because I'm getting older now, and it took us 2 years to conceive her with infertility. I ended up getting pg with injectible meds and IUI. So, we don't want to wait too long for fear of it taking that long again, thus increasing my odds of problems due to my age. If her defect was genetic, and they tell us that we'll have a high risk of passing it on to another child, then we are done and will count our blessings. I hope that's not the case though. I just wanted to tell you you're not alone, and to let you know our story, in hopes it might help a little. I hope if you do TTC again, that it happens quickly and you have a healthy happy baby soon. I couldn't blame you for not trying again, as it is such a life altering experience to have to go through. I do wonder what in the world I'm thinking for trying again and how I would handle yet another loss. I try not to think about that too much though. Best of luck to you sweetie.
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Postby macleesy » Sat Oct 10, 2009 4:25 am

Thank you so much for sharing those stories with me ladies. I am just so sorry for your losses and wish so much that we all didn't have to have so much in common. We are now Mothers of Angels and that is an oh so special but sadly very heavy responsibilty. Big Hugs to us all

The world may never notice if a flower doesnt bloom
or even pause to wonder why the petals fall too soon
but every life that ever forms, or ever comes to be
will touch this world in some small way for all eternity.


Unfortuntely, as we dont have her post mortem results yet we dont knwo what caused her fetalis hydrops and hygroma.. so there is a chance her illness was caused by a recessive genetic gene, which means 1 in 4 or our kids would get it, if that were the case, we woiuld never ever try again.. so, we have to wait in limbo, wanting so desperately to try again, but unsure if we are able to...


This is exactly how I feel, it is so hard to wait for those postmortem and genetics tests which could mean so much, but the flipside of that worry is also that they will not give us anything further to go on, which is looking more and more likely for us. It really means that we are forever in this limbo, and any decision will have to be made with more than a little amount of blind faith. Which I guess is present in every pregnancy, but you just don't know it. Afterall it is fair to assume that you will carry a healthy baby to term, deliver them fine and get to take them home, because thats what happens... mostly. But once your eyes are open to the possibilty that this will not happen, how do you shut them again and make it through another pregnancy without going insane with worry.

I did have a c-section so will have to consider that before we make a decision, and ideally will wait until May (12 months since his birth) to decide. But in talking to a friend who is an OB, we could safely (physically) start trying from end of next month (6 months) if I was prepared to forego a trial of labour, and have a scheduled Csection. We will have hopefully had all outstanding tests and PM results back by then, so will have all the information we are likely to have. I guess there is no right answer, and we will know when (if) we are ready.

Much love to you all, and be kind to yourselves and your partners
xx
Lisa
Erin Nicole19 Dec 07
Annah Paige 2 Jan 11
Connor John 26 May to 7 Aug 09
My beautiful angel. :angel: So far from my reach, but so close to my heart.

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Postby sheytoon1 » Mon Oct 12, 2009 10:59 pm

Hi - I am in my second trimester now with a subsequent baby. Since I had a C-section with our first, our son who lived his whole life in the NICU/PICU (died when he was nearly four months old), I was told to wait a full 18 to 24 months before trying to conceive again! I couldn't wait, but we did wait until 11 months beyond my c-section. We conceived right away. We also don't know why I miscarried quite early. Then I think I was very stressed about everything, and even with BBTing and OPKs, I did not conceive again until this past summer - about 18 months (ironically) beyond my c-section with my first.

So far things are going fine . . . and we even had an early fetal echo (since our son had major heart defects) done this past week . . . and so far this little one looks heart-healthy! We are feeling relieved, for the most part. It has been a lot of worry, because we want to bring a living healthy baby home so much.
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Postby macleesy » Tue Oct 13, 2009 4:29 am

Hi Sheytoon1 - I am sorry for your loss, Connor also lived his whole life in NICU/PICU (10 weeks) & had congenital heart defects (He died from lung failure from congestive heart failure and neurological impairment). I sadly relate to your situation more than most. Do you know if your son's problems had a genetic cause?

Congratulations on your pregnancy. It must have been very hard to try again, and then to experience another loss. Do you know why they recommended 18 to 24 months? Was it psycological or physical reasoning?
Thank you for sharing your story with me
Lisa
Erin Nicole19 Dec 07
Annah Paige 2 Jan 11
Connor John 26 May to 7 Aug 09
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Postby kaw » Sat Oct 17, 2009 4:59 pm

I cant really offer any advice as my losses were early (12 and 6 weeks) but I just wanted to say I have followed his story too and think of you often. xx
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Postby momma6_2angels » Tue Nov 24, 2009 1:28 pm

Lisa, you know my story.

How did we decide to try?? We didn't! I got a brand new laptop with a built in camera for valentines day, :oops: !!

I spent my entire pregnancy on pins and needles. I was scared of her being stillborn (there was a chance), her just dying afterwards, opening myself up to this new child, etc. It was a literal roller coaster. I also felt like we were moving on without Mary and that I was betraying her. Now, I have no doubt that she had a hand in getting her baby sister here. It has helped my healing some. When we initially brought her home, I was a nervous wreck and literally stayed up all night to watch her breathe. Now, I'm much calmer!
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Postby mommyofgirls » Sun Nov 29, 2009 10:36 pm

I'm so sorry for your loss. Giant Hugs. My BFF had a still birth at 40 weeks. It will be 8 years the day after Christmas. She didn't find out until she went in for her induction :( They didn't see a cuase other than the umbilical cord was wrapped tightly (it was very tight where in pics she showed me the skin was slothed off) around the babies torso and leg. She became pregnant 3 months later and delivered a healthy baby girl. My friend is currently 18 weeks pregnant with her 3rd pregnancy. Her OB with her second opted to deliver her 2 weeks early and had stress tests from 30 weeks on weekly along with US. Seems to be the plan this time as well. She is constantely worried and really just can't wait to hold this baby so she can finally have peace of mind. I had a early loss myself so I personally don't have anything to add. I'm very sorry and you, your family and Connor are in my prayers.
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Postby macleesy » Mon Nov 30, 2009 11:13 pm

Thank you ladies for thinking of us, we have decided to start TTC - it is 6 months since Connor was born and almost 4 months since he died. I think we will just take it gently and see how we feel each month - I'm guessing the whole process is going to be difficult, so we are just trying to be kind to each other, and see what happens.

Thank you all for your kind words and thoughts and prayers. :)
Lisa
Erin Nicole19 Dec 07
Annah Paige 2 Jan 11
Connor John 26 May to 7 Aug 09
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