My Angel brought me a rainbow

A special place to talk about your pregnancy after a loss.

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My Angel brought me a rainbow

Postby macleesy » Mon Feb 01, 2010 9:32 pm

This is a place to keep track of those who have experienced a loss, and are now pregnant with their rainbow baby.

Please introduce yourself, share your angel if you are comfortable (feel free to copy and paste) and let us know your due date so we can keep track of everyone....


May 2010
16th kjdandjbd :angel: Ashlyn: @34 Weeks June 2008
Sylvia Rose is here! - May 7th

July 2010
14th CanadianMama (Angela) :angel: 3 little angels june 07, July 09, Sept 09
Aubrey Etta is here! July 16th
29th rachelrhin0 (Rachel) :angel: Carly: @28 Weeks 15 Nov 07 - 9 Mar 08 :angel: Hannah: @32 weeks 7 Nov 08 born sleeping
Noah James is here! June 30th

September 2010
16th - HopeSutton (Hope) :angel: 3 little angels :angel: Marley Memphis: @19 wks 12 Sept 09 born sleeping
Scarlette Memphis is here! Aug 13th
25th -AshleyStandifer (Ashley) :angel: Maxton 3 - 21 Mar 2009 (CDH)
Gatlin Grant is here! Sept 10t6h

October 2010
12th - Cneal (Claudia) :angel: little angel: 5 Nov 2008 :angel: little angel @ 14 weeks 5 Nov 2009
Marshall Thomas is here! 29th Sept
15th - BWiebe (Brittany) :angel: Chloe: 16th Sep 09 born sleeping
Brooklyn Faith is here! Sept 13th


~~~~

January 2011
7th - Macleesy (Lisa) :angel: little angel: 8 Feb 10 :angel: Connor John: 26 May 09 -7 August 09

February 2011
13th - Tabithasmum (Laura) :angel: little angel: Feb 10 :angel: Tabitha-Rose: 24 Oct 09 born sleeping

26th - Orionslight (Jaime) :angel: 3 little angels: Aug 10, Oct 10, Jan 11 :angel: Gabriel Martin: 3 Jan 04 born sleeping

August 2011
23rd - 1KuehlBaby (Kristi) :angel: Kaden Alex: 3 - 20th April 09 (CDH)
Last edited by macleesy on Mon Dec 20, 2010 6:15 pm, edited 22 times in total.
Lisa
Erin Nicole19 Dec 07
Annah Paige 2 Jan 11
Connor John 26 May to 7 Aug 09
My beautiful angel. :angel: So far from my reach, but so close to my heart.

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Postby macleesy » Mon Feb 01, 2010 10:07 pm

My name is Lisa, I live in New Zealand, with my DH and beautiful healthy little girl Erin, and in August 2009 I became Mother to an Angel.

When I was about 32 weeks pregnant, I had a late scan to ensure that the marginal placenta previa I had at 20 weeks had moved. Sure enough it had, but the u/s tech was concerned about the extra fluid I was carrying - I had polyhydramnios. I was assured that it was probably fine, 60% of the time, there is nothing wrong and alot of the time it is due to GD or something similar with the mother. Unfortunately when Connor was born it turned out, we were in the 15% where it is due to a developmental problem with the baby.

One of the biggest surprises we had was the fact he was a boy, despite having had at least 5 scans, everyone had told us he was a girl. Well he wasn't. and that was only one of the things not really picked up.
He unfortunately had a few malformations, some due to the excess fluid, others perhaps a cause of it. He was born with an ear tag, which is a malformation that can sometimes indicate internal problems, he was born with bilateral club feet which we found out was positonal and from the pressure. He had hypospadias and undescend testes, and a recessed jaw.
Unfortunately these were the least of his problems.

He was born not breathing, and over the next days to weeks he spent in the NICU, it became apparent that this was because of neurodevelopmental problem causing him to have seizures that made him stop breathing. He also had 3 heart defects - a PDA, a ASD and multiple VSD. Over ten weeks he went from being what seemed outwardly a normal little boy (except that he could never swallow), to developing brain damage (Cerebral palsy) from his seizures and congenital heart failure from his heart defects. By the time we flew up to have his heart fixed, his brain had deterioated to the point where he was unable to breath without a ventilator, as he couldn't maintain his airways, and sadly on the 7th August 2009, we made the devastating decision to take him off the ventilator.

Despite all his problems, he was a very serious little boy, who early on responded well to us and could make some wonderful inquistive faces. He loved people interacting with him and telling him what was going on around him. He always seemed to know a lot more than we could imagine. He loved his baths - the first one he had was my most precious memory of him, he didn't cry, just looked at me to say - what it is this, and why have I never had one until now! Whenever I rang up to see how he was, according to his nurses he would look at the phone, trying to understand how Mummy's voice could be coming from this strange apparatus

The weeks and months after his Angel day have been hard - full of sadness and anger and resentment and plenty of "why me", but Connor taught us to appreciate the moments we have, to never hold back gratitude and love wherever we can and to make the most of the short time we have, because you never know how long you have - life is so fragile and precious. We never got any answers as to why Connor was born the way he was - all extensive genetic testing came back negative, and "they" suggest that is was an anomaly that "probably" will not be repeated in future children.

So in November, after much deliberation, we decided to TTC our rainbow, and we were luckily blessed very quickly, We now begin this journey of blind faith and hope that we will be blessed with a child who never has to experience what our poor little man went through.

My biggest hope to properly hold this baby in my arms, free of tubes and cords and pain, (as we never once really could with Connor) to put them to my breast, and feel them swallow (to never have to pump again - I hated it with a vengence as it was a symbol of everything that was wrong) and to take my new baby home, and to have their feet touch the ground in their own home, to be tucked up safe and sound in their own bassinette in their own clothes and blankets.

My biggest fear is that I won't.

xx
Lisa
Erin Nicole19 Dec 07
Annah Paige 2 Jan 11
Connor John 26 May to 7 Aug 09
My beautiful angel. :angel: So far from my reach, but so close to my heart.

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Postby kjdandjbd » Tue Feb 02, 2010 6:47 am

My daughter passed away 14 hours after being born, so I am fairly familiar with the NICU. She passed away in June of 2008, she was 34 weeks when she was born. She was our first child.

We waited until January of 09 to start TTC again, we didn't conceive until this August. What brought us to to conclusion to try again was the fact that we wanted a living family. We knew if we lost one, two, or however many more children we still wanted to try. My husband says there is always hope, and that is the only thing giving me comfort right now. My hope drives me.

Right now I am feeling terrified, happy, sad, and every emotion in between. I am so scared I will lose this child too, but deep down I know if something happened we would try again.

My NICU experience was terrifying, but I cherish it so much because that is where I held my daughter for the first and last time. The first time I saw her was two hours after delivery, she was covered in wires and tubes, it was so hard seeing her struggle. The next day they told us she would not make it. She had Potter's Syndrome, (no kidneys) and there was nothing they could do for her. We went in and they passed her to me, we had her baptized and then they took her breathing tube out, that's when I saw all of her beautiful face. She passed soon after.

It took my husband and I a long time to gain the strength to try again, and it was very hard. I was bitter and angry every month when my period came, but that was to be expected.

I am due in MAY 2010 with her little sister, and am hoping to bring her home to raise God willing.
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Postby rachelrhin0 » Tue Feb 02, 2010 10:03 pm

Our 1st daughter, Carly, was born on 11/15/07. She was 12 weeks early and only weighed 13 ounces and was 10 inches long. They told us she probably wouldn't make it through the 1st few days. She proved them wrong. She was doing well and gaining weight. She moved to the progressive nursery and was only about a month from coming home. She got sick suddenly and had to go back to the NICU. They found a heart defect that couldn't be fixed. She passed away hours later after their findings. She was only a few days shy of her 4 month birthday. It was devastating! We we SO close to having her home. DH and I decided to try for another baby a month after losing Carly. We wanted another child, yet I think we were trying to heal our grief with a new child to love. I have to say it did help us in the grieving process. We didn't take it as hard seeing as how we had something positive to focus on other than all the bad stuff going on around us. We were due to deliver Hannah on 12/31/08. Sadly on November 7, 2008 Hannah was born sleeping at 32w2d. Again our world came crashing down. I said I'd never go through that again. I'd never get pregnant again and that I was done trying. Grieving Hannah was harder than grieving Carly. I again think that's b/c I was pregnant with Hannah after Carly's death. Around Feb. I started thinking I wanted to try again. It was scary to think about though. The months kept passing and I kept wanting to try yet my DH wasn't ready. It was very hard emotionally when I was ready but DH was not. Finally in November of 2009 dear hubby was ready. We tried and thank God we got pregnant on the 1st try. I have to say I've been a nervous wreck. I've never had a m/c but I have been scared to death that I'm going to have one. I'm afraid to go to term. I have days that I think it would be best to deliver at 30 weeks and have another NICU baby just to assure us that the baby would be born alive. I have many fears. My fears overcome the excitment that I should have. It's very difficult. I do however want a family so bad that I'm willing to put myself through the emotional rollercoaster. So here I am, 15 weeks pregnant. Now with a little boy, Noah James. e is due July 29, 2010.
Rachel (30) Wife to Ryan (34)
Carly (11/15/07-3/9/08 ) Hannah (stillborn 32 weeks 11/7/08 ) Noah (35 weeks 6/30/10)
Due in Fall 2012 Facebook Group

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Postby hopeSutton » Wed Feb 03, 2010 2:55 am

such inspirational women,, wow, im so overcome wuth emotion..

well, my name is hope.. I have a beatuiful almost 10 year old girl Paige. also a cheeky 22 month old boy Harper.. I had a missed m/c @9weeks beforre Harper.. when he was 6 month, we began ttc again, we went onto lose another 2 babies @5weeks.. we were then blessed with Marley, oh boy what a blessing she was..

The found a 5mm thick nuchal, but chromosonae testing proved everything was normal, and we were having a girl!!>. @15 weeks we were goind back for a check up, and it was awful. Marlet had a cystic hygroma (fluid sack) on the back of her neck, bigger than her head, and had mild hydrops, where fluid collects in the lungs, stomach etc.. we were told she had a 1% chance of survivial, and we should terminate.. we refused, and as the weeks passed, I found a professor to take our case, the weekly scans were worse and worse, the fluid was in so many places, even though I begged them to try and drain it they couldnt, it was now under her skin also, seeing Marleys swollen hands and fingers ont he ultrasound was perhaps the worst image my eyes have ever come across.. we were not about to give up on our daughter though, SHE was a miracle to have made it this far, @19 weeks I fell very ill, i was swollen all over, and was booked into hospital, they told me I had to deliver.. I refused. I pushed them, living in ICU for another 5 days until finally they told me if they didnt deliver, Id die. I had mirror syndrome, nephrptic syndome (kidneys had failed), and pre eclamsia. Marley was dying that day, her cord and heart were failing. I had to make the decision no mother should ever have to. me or her?.. as it turns out, they were shocked marley lived so long, and never would have survived as a post mortem revealed severely under developed lungs.. they indued, and I delivered my sleeping beauty 3 hours later. I bled out, and had to have a d&c, and 5 blood transfusions. i went onto pass 14 litres of fluid over the next 24 hours. they found tnothing to have caused Marleys hydrops, just "unlucky" is how they put it.. im shitting myself this time, and right now, just cant invisage taking home a baby at the end...

if anyone is interested, Marleys full story is on facebook, her group is called Marley Sutton..


im so glad to have support here.. xxxx

Small fry is due 16th September 2010. 4 days after Marleys 1st birthday
Me 31 Dh 35
DD 22, DS 4 DD Marley Memphis Angel 2 years , DD 20 months , 3 early losses, + 1 stillbirth
Incomeptent cervix
This time: cervical shortening from 17wks. Rescue cerclage placed at 22wks, was 100% effaced, 1cm dilated, waters bulging.

we were done having babies.. but Surprise!

]Image Cystic Hygroma with fetalis hydrops, we love you Marley

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Postby DoulaMama » Wed Feb 03, 2010 6:26 am

You are truly a wonderful, inspirational group of women.
Thank you for sharing your stories about your babies.
I really, really love the idea of this group, and I hope that no one minds if I join.
My losses were much earlier in the pregnancy but still very difficult.
I really love the idea of Rainbow Children. I have never heard of that term before, I just refer to our babies as our spirit babies, truly believing that the babes that didn't make it, are in fact with us now.

We had an early m/c in June 2007 and concieved DD in July of 2007. I truly feel that she was, in spirit, the babe that didn't make it the first time. She just needed a bit longer to get to us.
In July of 2009 we had another early m/c. And another in September of 2009.
Having 2 back to back losses, at times, was a real struggle for me.
In October of 2009, we were thrilled, and a little nervous to say the least, to be expecting again.
This pregnancy has been wonderful and healthy and I know in my heart, in July of this year, our DD will be blessed with a sibling to play with.
Again, I feel like this babe is our other spirit babe.
Even though it was tough to go through 3 losses, I find a lot of comfort in the knowledge that our 2 kiddies were truly meant to be with us, and didn't give up until they were.

Anyways, thanks for letting me share my story.
Again, I hope it's ok if I join this group, filled with such amazing and strong women.

~Angela
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Postby macleesy » Wed Feb 03, 2010 12:57 pm

Thank you ladies for sharing your beautiful angels with us, and we will be here for each other through this difficult process. I do agree we are all strong inspirational woman, though I dont feel strong very often!

CanadianMama - of course you can join - a loss is always a loss, no matter how big or small, and pain is proportional to the size of hope and dreams, not how tiny the babe *hugs*
I find the idea of spirit babies beautiful, the tenacity of your little ones shines through :)

I first heard the term rainbow babies on a infant loss/grief forum, and thought it was beautiful - a beautiful rainbow - our hope after the storm of pain and grief, and it could never exist without the rain first.
Lisa
Erin Nicole19 Dec 07
Annah Paige 2 Jan 11
Connor John 26 May to 7 Aug 09
My beautiful angel. :angel: So far from my reach, but so close to my heart.

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Postby WiebeJammin » Thu Feb 04, 2010 12:05 pm

Wow, what a great group of strong, inspirational women!

I'm Brittany and I live in Washington state with my DH and beautiful DD Hazel. :)

DH and I decided to start TTC #2 last april. I had my mirena removed, and fell pregnant our first month trying. We were sooo excited and glad that it happened so quickly! We were expecting our little girl in the middle of January 2010. Everything with my pregnancy had been going just fine, minus horrible m/s, but thats very normal for me. I had my 20 week anatomy scan, just 4 days before we found out she had passed, and they said everything looked perfect with her. 2 days after my scan was the last time I ever felt my little girl move inside me. :( I didnt realize it at the time though. 4 days after my scan is when I started getting worried about lack of movement and called the ob and they had me come in for a hb check.

Well, my mom is a nurse at my OB office, so she was the one that took me into the room to do the hb check. This is something she completely regrets now. She couldnt find a hb with the doppler. I could see the worry on her face but she tried to hide it from me. She got another nurse to try, then the u/s tech came in to look with u/s. That's when we discovered that our little Chloe had passed away. She was completely still and her heart was not beating. :cry: :cry:

I won't go into all the detail with delivery. But I was induced the next morning, and delivered Chloe September. 16th, 2009, weighing just 1 lb and measuring 11 inches long. She was actually a great size for her gestation, 22 weeks. She was completely perfect, she came out still inside her sack too, it was so precious. I got to spend several hours just holding her and talking to her. Family came and saw her at the hospital too, it was really special.

We had her cremated, and she is in a custom made urn on our mantel. :) I love knowing she is always with us and watching over us. She will always be our beautiful daughter and we will always miss and love her! :)

I am now pregnant with another little miracle and couldn't be happier! This little one is due October 15th, 2010!
Me: Brittany || DH: Ryan || DD: Hazel '08 || Angel DD: Chloe '09 || DD: Brooklyn '10 || DD: Sophia '13 || DD: EDD 6/7/2016

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Postby AshleyGatMax » Fri Feb 05, 2010 4:13 pm

Hi, I am Ashley.

My son Maxton was born March 3, 2009 with congenital diaphragmatic hernia. We had a rough pregnancy with him. At his 12 week ultrasound they found a cystic hygroma. We elected to have to cvs done and it came back chromosomally normal. Unfortunately, at our 19 week ultrasound we found out about the CDH. Basically, his diaphragm had not formed which caused his abdominal organs to be in his chest (stomach, intestines, liver, spleen). His heart was pushed far over to the right (near his shoulder), but his heart was in good condition, just kinda smushed. When he was born, he could not breathe (as expected because there was just no room for his lungs to grown with all that other stuff there!). He was intubated. He was doing poorly and they feared he would pass, but he was afighter and began doing a little better. He became stable enough to have surgery to fix his diaphragm. Unfortunately, during surgery his liver was knicked, which ultimately caused his death. (we found this out by autopsy). The day after surgery he was very pale and had a bleed that the doctors were unable to locate. We had to make the decision to take him off support. It was heartbreaking!

I found out I am pregnant again on Jan 15th! I am due Sept. 25th!!! Praying that this little one is healthy.
Me-31 DH- 32
2 sons, Gatlin born 9/10/10 and Maxton born 3/3/09 with congenital diaphragmatic hernia, passed away 3/21/09

Miscarriages- June 2012, August 2012, August 2013
BFP 4/30/14, Due date: tentatively January 11th, 2015
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Postby cneal » Sat Feb 06, 2010 1:14 pm

What an amazing group of ladies here.

I am Claudia & I was never able to hold my lost baby, nor was what I had considered an early loss. We suffered one early loss or possible chemical on November 5, 2008, and just kept trying. I was thrilled after 2 years ttc #2 to fall pregnant in August 09 due in April 2010. Everything was going perfectly with my pregnancy, I had severe morning sickness and heartburn, and all scans & blood work came back perfect. On the morning of November 3rd, I had a glob (tmi, sorry) of red blood when I went to the bathroom, but no more than that. I immediately ran to the doctor & they determined that the baby had passed a week earlier. We then had to go to the hospital for a more detailed scan so they could date exactly when the baby passed. The tech started the u/s & our baby looked perfect for 13-14 weeks, but still. The tech said it should take 5 minutes total, and as soon as the radiologist came in & confirmed no heartbeat we could go. It took the radiologist an hour to be bothered to come into the room after being called 6 times, so we just looked at the screen that whole time at our baby that wouldnt be. I had a d&c on November 5, 2009 (on the anniversary of our prior year's loss).

I am thrilled to be pregnant again due on October 12, 2010 ( & very glad that I will not be pregnant on November 5, 2010). My little girl Avery will have a healthy & wonderful little sibling to play with after this, I have to believe it!!!!
Me 36, DH 34, DD 5, DS born 9/29/10
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Postby hopeSutton » Mon Feb 08, 2010 7:31 pm

Lisa, honey, I am so sorry for your loss. Life can be unspeakebly cruel sometimes.. may the strentgh, and love be with your and your family to get through this..xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Me 31 Dh 35
DD 22, DS 4 DD Marley Memphis Angel 2 years , DD 20 months , 3 early losses, + 1 stillbirth
Incomeptent cervix
This time: cervical shortening from 17wks. Rescue cerclage placed at 22wks, was 100% effaced, 1cm dilated, waters bulging.

we were done having babies.. but Surprise!

]Image Cystic Hygroma with fetalis hydrops, we love you Marley

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Postby rachelrhin0 » Mon Feb 08, 2010 7:33 pm

Lisa, many thoughts and prayers for you! (((((HUGS)))))
Rachel (30) Wife to Ryan (34)
Carly (11/15/07-3/9/08 ) Hannah (stillborn 32 weeks 11/7/08 ) Noah (35 weeks 6/30/10)
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Postby macleesy » Tue Feb 09, 2010 2:07 am

Thank you ladies for your thoughts and prayers - I guess I am doing as well as can be expected, given I now have 2 angels in heaven. Not as much random crying today. But alot of it was spent asleep too ;)
Lisa
Erin Nicole19 Dec 07
Annah Paige 2 Jan 11
Connor John 26 May to 7 Aug 09
My beautiful angel. :angel: So far from my reach, but so close to my heart.

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Postby cneal » Tue Feb 09, 2010 7:24 am

Lisa, I am so sorry. You are in my prayers!!!
Me 36, DH 34, DD 5, DS born 9/29/10
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Postby rachelrhin0 » Sun Feb 21, 2010 5:11 pm

So how is everyone holding up through your pregnancies?

I have good days and bad days. Here lately I've been waking up scared the baby is dead so I hurry to listen with my doppler. Everything is fine I just get scared. I think I have this fear of waking up to a dead baby is because we lost Hannah through the night.
Rachel (30) Wife to Ryan (34)
Carly (11/15/07-3/9/08 ) Hannah (stillborn 32 weeks 11/7/08 ) Noah (35 weeks 6/30/10)
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