My Angel brought me a rainbow

A special place to talk about your pregnancy after a loss.

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Postby macleesy » Mon Dec 20, 2010 6:28 pm

Welcome Ladies, Sorry I didn't see your post until now Jaimie - I have included Gabriel and Kaden and your rainbow babies in the due date list :)

Thanks for sharing your stories, It is so hard to be Mama to angels but I really do love hearing about all the brave little soldiers we have had the pleasure of sharing our lives with, even for a short time.

Kaden was such a little miracle, I remember you Kristi and reading about his story in the months before Connor was born - the support of this forum for both Kaden and (forgive me if i'm wrong) KJ, and Stretten?, and the wee boy with OI and maybe some others? a sids baby? was quite incredible, the April 09 ddc had more than its fair share of babies born or diagnosed with some type of adversity, our hearts went out to you all, little did I know that our experiences would be all too sadly similar in the end. I only wish that I had had the same support from my ddc too. (my Dec 07 ladies were fantastic though)

Congratulations on your Rainbow babies, I hope that you will be holding them in your arms before you know it, with their special Angel big brothers looking on proudly,

And while I can't say this rainbow pregnancy will be easy for you, I hope you can find support and some relief from the anxiety, stress and fear here - please pm me or any of the ladies who have btdt now, if you need to chat at any time
Lisa
Erin Nicole19 Dec 07
Annah Paige 2 Jan 11
Connor John 26 May to 7 Aug 09
My beautiful angel. :angel: So far from my reach, but so close to my heart.

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Postby 1KuehlBaby » Thu Dec 23, 2010 3:37 pm

Thank you for that Lisa! Yes there were a lot of "problems" with our April '09 DDC. There were many of us that thought we were cursed. The baby with OI, Ethan (belonging to DebD) is actually doing great...starting to walk and so friggin' adorable. I read your blog after I came back to the TWW and my heart broke for you. It just isn't right to lose a baby...ever. I am praying with all I have left that we all get our Rainbow Baby's we so deserve :D
Me 39 DH 35
DD 17, DS 15, DSS, 6 and our Angel Baby Kaden Alex born 4/3/09. Lived 17 days fighting Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia (CDH)
http://www.KadenAlexKuehl.blogspot.com
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Postby stuckunderhere » Tue Feb 01, 2011 6:26 am

8wk: 04/23/03 (twins)
6wk: 04/06/06
12wk: 10/30/07 (no HB 11w3d)

Samuel born 11/24/08
12wk: 10/20/10 (Trisomy 22)

BFP!!! due with #2 on 10/10/11 (hoping October will be our month to HAVE a baby now instead of m/c's)
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Postby MamaDoula » Fri Oct 07, 2011 11:39 am

Hiya ladies!!
I wanted to add to my "story" if that's ok.
We experienced another early loss in July of this year (2011). We concieved right away and are now 11 weeks PG with #3! Hoping for a sticky, healthy baby!
S/he is due April 25th, 2012.
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Postby curteisye » Sat Oct 08, 2011 9:06 am

I am here to add my story.

I am the SIDS mom that Lisa mentioned from the April 09 DDC.

I don't even really know where to start. I guess I would begin with the difficult time I had getting pregnant to begin with. We had been trying for a year and already had an early loss when I became pregnant again. Everything seemed to be going well, but I was becoming increasingly worried because I just didn't feel pg. I was 12 weeks, I had just been to my check-up and they hadn't heard the hb (my dr said she had, but I had serious doubts because I was in the room too and I certainly hadn't heard it). Two days later I started spotting first thing in the morning. The spotting stopped, then started up again in the evening. I ended up going to the ER and they confirmed our baby had died sometime around 6w. Our dr called it bad luck and said we would probably get pg again and carry just fine but that wasn't good enough for me. It seemed to be taking so long each time just to get pg. I went ahead and referred myself to an RE. 3 rounds of clomid with timed bd, a laparoscopy and HSG, 3 rounds of injectables with IUI, and 1 more m/c later we finally got pg again with twins. I was an emotional worried wreck through the whole pregnancy. I was so worried something would happen to them. But they were born fit and healthy at 36w. We decided to have my tubes tied at the time because we felt like we couldn't emotionally deal with me possibly having m/c after m/c if I got pg again.

Brendon was the younger of the two and such a delight. He was crawling by 5 months and by 6 and a half months was pulling up on furniture to try and cruise around. He would give us the sweetest smiles when we would put him down for bed, close his eyes and immediately go right to sleep. And he was a red head. Oh boy was he. He would be happy one minute and so mad the next if things weren't going his way.

I will never ever forget the morning he died. I had been at work all night and gone to the chiropractor that morning. My cell phone rang while I was waiting, it was DH on the line. The anguish in his voice is something that echos in my mind time and again as I hear him say Brendon is dead. DH blamed himself for Brendon's death for months after. He checked on the boys before going to bed and all had been well. Some time during the night he had a dream. His cousin (who had passed away in a motor vehicle accident a few months before) came to him in the dream and told him he was so sorry but he had to take Brendon with him. he then saw his cousin take Brendon's hand and walk into a bright light. DH feels that if he had woken up at that moment that some how he could have saved Brendon. He and the boys slept in that morning and when DH woke he first got up and got our oldest breakfast then went to get the twins. He said Mason was just playing quietly in his crib, but Brendon was face down not moving.

After that is really just a blur. I left the office hysterical. One of the staff followed me outside and ended up driving me home. I remember passing the ambulance as it was leaving our neighborhood and telling the girl with me that it wasn't a good sign that the sirens weren't flashing. When I got home the police were there swarming our house looking over everything and taking statements from everybody. Brendon was still there, he hadn't been taken in the ambulance. It was several hours before they would finally let me see him and they only let me hold him for a minute or two before the coronor came to take him away. I don't have too much memory of the time following that. I just know our pain was so deep we never thought it would get better. Some days are still hard. DH suffers from severe depression and PTSD. For months he would wake up screaming every night at 3am. I slept with Mason next to me until he turned 1. I slept with my hand laying on his chest feeling him breathe.

I didn't know if DH would ever want to try again. I though maybe mentally he would never be able to handle it, but about 3-4 months after Brendon had died he came to me and said he wanted us to have another child. SO we went back to the RE to find out what our options were. It took us almost a year and a half, two IVFs and two FETs for us to have our miracle baby, but here I am almost 12 pg now. I have my NT scan next week and I am scared. I don't know if I will ever feel completely confident again. I know too well what can happen. Our consolation is we qualify for an in home monitor for SIDS. I just pray we will once again be able to hold this miracle in our arms and experience the joy of watching him/her grow with his/her siblings.
Carrie Me 36 DH 34 DS#1 6 ; DS#2&3 born 3/11/09. Lost DS#3 to SIDS 10/14/09 - I miss my angel every day.
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Postby MamaDoula » Sat Oct 08, 2011 10:22 am

Oh my gosh Carrie - I am in tears. I can't even explain in words how deeply sorry I am for your loss. Brendon sounds like a remarkable little boy.
Congratulations on your current pregnancy. You will continue to be in my thoughts, and I hope you have a wonderfully healthy pregnancy that results in another little one for you and your family.
Again, my thoughts are with you and your family. I am so very sorry.
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Postby curteisye » Sat Oct 08, 2011 10:51 am

Thanks Angela. I am sorry for your loss as well. Although not the same I know how m/c can tear at your heart. I will be praying this pregnancy goes well for you as well.
Carrie Me 36 DH 34 DS#1 6 ; DS#2&3 born 3/11/09. Lost DS#3 to SIDS 10/14/09 - I miss my angel every day.
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Postby macleesy » Tue Oct 18, 2011 3:45 am

Oh Carrie, my heart is aching for you. Every angel with a poor mama left behind who has to pick up the pieces of their heart and soul. What you have gone through, the loss of your beautiful little Brendon. I wish I could wave my magic wand and make this pregnancy and Baby's first year easier for you. You and your family will be uplifted in my thoughts and prayers now and into the future. Good luck Hun be sure your little man has taken the time to pick the perfect sibling to join your family.

I also am so sorry for referring to Brendon and your situation in such an off hand way - it is too easy when typing a quick response and just remembering quickly. Your beautifully written but so sad story has etched your little Man's name on my heart. Much love.
Lisa
Erin Nicole19 Dec 07
Annah Paige 2 Jan 11
Connor John 26 May to 7 Aug 09
My beautiful angel. :angel: So far from my reach, but so close to my heart.

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Postby nanette78 » Sun Jan 15, 2012 10:22 pm

Hi ladies, I am a mom to 4 but am raising 3 little ones. My last son, Dylan Matthew grew wings on June 4, 2010 due to bilateral kidney failure. I have just found out I am pregnant again and am so scared to have it end in the same way. I am so nervous and don't want to tell anyone!!!!!!! How did you guys tells others and how long did you wait? It will be hard for me to hide it for very long because I always show so quick in my pregnancies. Any advice?
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Madison Rochelle- born 2/5/2002
Andrew Lee-born 2/15/2005
Makenna Alisa-born7/25/2007
Dylan Matthew- born @ 21 weeks and grew wings
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Postby orionslight » Fri Jul 06, 2012 1:00 pm

wow. i am tryingmy best to choke back my tears at reading these stories. i sadlyhave my second to add. losing rand was my 5th *miscarriage*. i had all the good signs, m/s and exhaustion. had several good ultrasounds...even one a week before he died.

that friday night, we had gone to see the hunger games, and i felt so disturbed watching it. i was very uneasy, i didnt know why. i hadnt used my doppler that day, i was feeling better and was supposed to be in the safe period. well saturday my hubby had to work, and i got up and was hangin with the kids i figured to use my doppler. i couldnt find his heartbeat...a sound i had heard everyday since 8 weeks. i knew something was wrong, i tried for 3 hours and nothing.

my mom came to get me and i felt dumb going into the hospital to try and explain what was wrong. they obviously thought i was crazy, with their little smirks and eyerolls. the nurse brought in a doppler and she kept thinking she heard it, bt i knew the sound of his heart well enough to know i didnt. my daughter molly kept telling me not to worry as they rolled the u/s machine in.

i was scared all of a sudden. they put on the gel and started scanning, and i remember watching their faces and seeing that emotionless expression that means things are bad. about 1 minutelater my worst fears were realized. i will never forget the words they said, im sorry your baby has no heartbeat anymore...and thinkg your sorry?! wth is that gonna do?? before i burst into uncontrollable crying. my doc came very quickly and i asked him to scan again, to be sure since i trust him implicitly. he confirmed my little boy had gone to be an angel.

Rand Michael was born on March 24, 2012. he weighed 2 oz and was 6 and 1/2 inches long and so so perfect. i spent so much time just being with him, looking at his perfect little fingers and toes. when they came to take, man did i have a hard time giving him up knowing when i got him back it would be in a box from the funeral home. i will love him always
Baby Ireland born 4-18-14 healthy and happy :)

Joining her 11 brothers and sisters
Loss July 2015@ 11+3, girl
Loss June 2016@ 13+5,boy
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Re: My Angel brought me a rainbow

Postby HoneyBunches » Tue Oct 02, 2012 12:52 pm

This board brought back memories. :/ Sad and happy.

Carrie, omg.. I am speechless. I am so sorry for your loss. So sorry...

I lost Lucy Rose at 20 weeks July 19, 2008. Amazing how many people said it was b/c she had genetic problems likely. Go figure, it was me that had the problem after consulting with a second doctor. After a successful cerclage, I had a baby girl on June 20, 2012. :) She was full term.
Me (32) Love of My Life (33)
- DD - '08. Incompetent cervix.
- DD - Cerclage Success - Full Term! 06/20/12
- Pregnant 4mth post partum (o.m.g)
- DD? or DS? - Team Green!
- Cerclage was a success on 1/7! Yipeee!
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Re: My Angel brought me a rainbow

Postby Hunnybunny22 » Sat Feb 23, 2013 4:24 am

hi can i join? im hoping my angel babies have brought me a rainbow this time im very cautious and worried
i have 1 angel 4w3d sept 11 and 9wks sept 12 ... i hope they have blessed me and this is our rainbow
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DS born: 42w1d 14.05.09 DD born 42w1d 15.04.11 DS 2 40w4d 27.10.13
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Re: My Angel brought me a rainbow

Postby Steph1011 » Mon Mar 04, 2013 11:17 am

These stories bring me so much hope. I had a MMC 3/06/12, it was our first time TTC and it was devastating. Everyone always tells you it is a possibility but you never think it will happen to you. Last cycle we experienced a chemical pregnancy and I just got another BFP yesterday. I am hoping this one sticks, but knowing the reality I am not jumping up and down yet.

Thank you ladies for sharing your stories, they are truly inspirational
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Re: My Angel brought me a rainbow

Postby MommaR » Tue Oct 22, 2013 12:18 pm

Not sure if I can still write here?

I wanted to say that I had a natural mc August 31, 2013 (or i was told from the doctor that day anyway). It's October 22, 2013 and 12 dpo - had a bfp this morning and couldn't be happier. Also couldn't be more scared that it will happen again. Blood work was done today and I'll need to repeat Thursday. I am due around July 8, 2014 with number 3 :)

I am truly sorry for all of your losses.
Me: 30
DH: 28
DS 1: 5
DS 2: 3
Angel Baby: August 31, 2013 (6 weeks)
BFP: October 22, 2013 EDD July 8, 2014!
Beta: 49.2 (12 dpo)
Beta: 143 (14 dpo)
Ultrasound November 11, 2013 - Saw baby and heartbeat (122)!
Ultrasound at 8 weeks 6 days heartbeat was 164!
H.b. at 13 weeks was 148!
Elective Ultrasound 16.2 weeks - IT'S A GIRL!!!
Ultrasound 18.6 weeks - STILL a girl!!!
Ultrasound 20 weeks - S.T.I.L.L. a girl!!! :)
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Re: My Angel brought me a rainbow

Postby s4mm13 » Sun Dec 28, 2014 2:05 am

I don't know if anyone reads here any more but this is my story

I've been feeling for the last few days that I need to properly share my story. I think it's mostly because I don't want to come across to you all as crazy or with insane reasoning.

So here it is. I don't blame you if you don't make it to the end and I'm sorry if I upset anyone. This isn't my intention.

My husband and I married May 2013 after being together for 7 years. The year before I met Richie, he had just recovered from leukaemia after having a bone marrow transplant, chemotherapy and radiotherapy.

We had prepared ourselves for a long period of TTC with likely the need for fertility intervention like IUI or even IVF.

However two months after we married I was pregnant with our first child! Our little miracle baby that was destined to be.

I had troubles during the first tri with spotting from cervical erosion but all was ok and it all stopped as soon as I hit 12 weeks. We were really starting to enjoy it and loved watching my belly grow bigger.

Our 20 week anomaly scan came and we were praying for everything to be ok. We were team green so weren't planning on finding out gender. What we did find out that day was that our little baby had a very complex heart condition called Tetralogy of Fallots. We got this diagnoses three days after our anomaly scan by a specialist foetal medicine doctor. We were devastated but the good news was that the defects could be fixed but would require open heart surgery at around 6minths if we were lucky.

So we immediately were transferred from midwife led care to the high risk consultants. We got regular growth and anomaly scans to keep a close eye on baby and all was going well.

We of course worried and researched everything we could about fallots. We knew baby would need to be big to stand any sort of chance so we willed him to grow, grow grow. And that's exactly what he did!

On the morning of 24th February this year at 7:30 in the morning my water broke while I was lying in bed. I was 32 weeks pregnant.

We rang the labour unit to ask what we should do and which hospital we should go to (due to baby's heart and being prem) so we travelled to the hospital in Cardiff, about 30miles away.

My labour was very quick for a first baby with the active phase (4-10cm) lasting only about 30mins! Two pushes later and at 3:24 that afternoon Oscar Raymond Meyrick came into the world very quietly and weighing 5lb 5oz. He didn't cry and he was a little still. I touched him for only a couple of seconds before they took him to the resusataire where the specialists were waiting for him. They intubated him and put a little hat on his head. He was doing ok but having trouble breathing. We got to see him for just a couple of minutes before they took him away to the NICU.

I suffered a second degree tear, no doubt from Oscar arriving so quickly!, and needed several stitches, but it could have been worse.

We kept asking when we could see Oscar, but it wasn't for 6 hours or so until we were allowed to see him. We know now that they were struggling to stabilise him. When we finally got to see him we were told that as well as his heart problem he also had two other structural anomalys called Tracheo Oesophageal Fistula and Oesophageal Atresia. Basically his food pipe didn't join to his stomach and the bottom part of the food pipe was connected to the wind pipe.

We said goodbye to Oscar for the first time when he was just 16 hours old and they took him for his first surgery to separate the wind and food pipe and try to connect the gap in the food pipe. The first part was successful, but they weren't able to join the gap.

We were told that they would try again in a month when Oscar had grown but we wouldn't be able to go home until it was fixed As he wouldn't be able to swallow and would need to be connected to suction tubing 24 hours a day with flushes of saline every 30minutes.

So we waited. We counted every ounce, we celebrated when he came off the ventilator and upgraded to bi-pap and then c-pap and eventually he was strong enough to breathe by himself. He came off the sedation and morphine gradually and became more aware. We weighed nappies, I expressed my milk relentlessly so that Oscar could be fed properly, negotiated a lot of wires and tubes and eventually when he was a week old, we got to hold our baby for the very first time! It was worth the wait and a feeling I will never forget!

When Oscar was two weeks old we were transferred to a different hospital. One that couldn't offer parent accommodation and for the first time I had to go home without my baby. Again, this is a feeling I will never ever forget.

During this time Oscars personality really came alive. He was a very happy, content and cheeky little boy who touched everyone who met him. He had a smile that would melt hearts!

The time came to go back to the first hospital for his second surgery to connect his oesophagus. We prayed so hard that they could do it second time around. They couldn't. The gap had got smaller, but not small enough. We were sent away again to wait it out. A week later we transferred back to the other hospital.

We made friends with the nurses and doctors, there were two other long term babies in the unit and we became very close with one of them. Oscar continued to grow bigger and stronger but we watched a lot of babies come and go. Eventually we were transferred to a hospital much closer to home which meant a lot less travelling and we could spend longer with him which was great. We were allowed to bring in our own Moses basket for him which we had set up in a special room that was just for us so we could have alone time together. It was great, but still confined to hospital.

Oscar was doing great but then he fell ill. he had an infection, possibly from his feeding tube in his tummy, but they couldn't get a line into him. In an emergency we were transferred back to the big hospital but there were no spaces in the NICU, by this point Oscar was 12 weeks old so we went into the paediatric high dependency unit. That day they had tried 14 times to get a line into him, eventually a specialist got one into his head. But he was exhausted.

Up until that night we hadn't had a single problem with his heart. But that night Oscar had a spell. This was where he turned blue. His body wasn't getting oxygenated blood and was in pain all over. They then decided that he needed to have his heart repair a bit earlier than first planned.

A few days later they tried the oesophagus surgery again but again they failed. We were so upset and I physically broke down.

We then got a date for the heart surgery. Three weeks later we were sending Oscar for his heart surgery. We took him down to the anaesthetic and Oscar fell asleep, good as gold, sucking his fingers. It was 18th June.
6 hours later he was in intensive care and all had gone well. He had some trouble with his heart rhythm but this was to be expected.
6:30 the next morning we got a call that we will never forget. We were asked to come down to the unit. We arrived and were met at the doors. Oscar had gone into cardiac arrest. His heart had stopped and they were doing everything they could to bring him back. They asked us if we wanted to be with him and without even thinking we said we did.

We walked in and saw the nurses performing CPR, it was terrifying. So many people rushing around. Some drawing up drugs, other charting everything down people fetching blood. Then his surgeon arrived, opened up his chest in front of us and started internal heart massage. We sat there for five hours and watched them bring Oscar back to us. They got him going again, but he needed help so they put him on a form of bypass machine called ECMO which does the work of the heart and lungs. They needed to work out what had gone wrong.
They performed test after test, scan after scan. They found a very rare swelling in the heart but don't know what caused it.

They tried to wean Oscar off the support but weren't able to so he went back for another procedure to replace one of the poorly valves in the hope that would work. It didn't.

They gave him a few more days rest and tried again. Almost, but again he wasn't able to come off.

They were running out of options to help him. They started talking about transplantation. The only hope now was a new heart.

A couple of days later there was an emergency. Somehow, air had leaked into the pipes that carry the blood. They had to clamp off the machine to get the air out before it reached him. We were terrified. If his heart couldn't cope we had already decided not to resuscitate. We stood with him, held his hand and told him we were there and that we loved him. He kept on fighting! It was clear he wasn't ready to give up yet so neither were we.

We decided that we would do everything we could for him until he told us otherwise.

We decided to have Oscar baptised. It was beautiful. Not how we ever thought it would be, but his day none the less. We celebrated him, all he had achieved and come through and all he was yet to achieve.

On 19th July this year Oscar was flown by private plane 400 miles away to a specialist transplant hospital. He was still on bypass and all the equipment he needed meant we couldn't go with him. Richie and I travelled by train which took us hours! One of the worst journeys of our lives.

We arrived and they settled him in. He was stable and they were reducing his sedation. For the first time in 4 weeks he was waking up. No longer paralysed he was a tiny bit more alert. Is was wonderful to look into his eyes again.

They carried out more tests and did more scans. They decided to replace again the poorly valve this time for a mechanical one rather than the bovine one used before. They hoped he would come of the machine in theatre. He couldn't.

It was time to talk about transplant. He would need to be put on a special machine while we waited for a heart. Before the surgery they took him for a scan. It didn't come back very positive.

The morning they were supposed to take him for the surgery for the special machine we were told that Oscars organs were starting to fail. There were clots from the machine. It was clear that he was exhausted. He was just too small to fight this last one.

It was the 25th July. Oscar was 5 months and 1 day or 151days (NICU always measure age in days) and we kept our promise to him. We tried everything until he told us otherwise.

We agreed to switch off the machine.

They wheeled us into a private room where Oscar was very carefully placed into my arms. The first time I had held him in 5 weeks. I held him so tight. We read him stories, we sang to him and then we told him it was time to go to Sleep. We asked them to switch the machine off and he fell asleep for the very last time in my arms. The same arms he had been born into just 5 months before.

We then washed him, dressed him, took hand and foot prints, had beautiful photographs taken and got to spend as much time as we wanted with him. We then had to take him down to the chapel of rest. And we walked away with a little yellow box of memories of our son.

We were told that a post Mortem would be required as Oscar had never recovered from his surgery and they needed to find out why.

Our hearts broke forever that day.

We went to see him every day until the morning of his post mortem. We got to hold him, kiss him, sing to him. He looked so peaceful and perfect. The first time we ever got to see him completely tube free.

We then had to go home as we wouldn't be allowed to see him again.

We left our baby boy 400 miles away. We came back bereft.

Two weeks later on 7th august we said goodbye to our perfect little boy. That morning, Oscar arrived home in his Moses basket. We had arranged for the funeral director to bring him home for us. Oscar came into his nursery, we read him letters we had written and we told him how much we love him and would miss him. My mum and brother came to say goodbye.
I placed him into The beautiful wicker crib that he will forever sleep in and placed the lid on top with our letters in beside him. we drove him to a beautiful natural burial ground and amongst friends and family lowered our son into his resting place. Birds sang, the leaves rustling all around. It was beautiful but the most heart wrenching thing I have ever done. But these were the last things we would ever do for him.

We are so proud of Oscar and his fight and are honoured that he is our son.

We have set up Oscars Adventure in his memory and have so far raised over £5,000 for the people that kept the adventure going by writing and selling a children's book, holding fundraising events and selling handmade crafts, teddies and jewellery. Something positive has come from our despair.

It has however made being pregnant for a second time a truly terrifying experience. I'm terrified that the same will happen again. I can't invision myself ever bringing a happy healthy baby home.

I'm scared that if everything does go to plan, how will I cope with the emotions that this is how it should have been with Oscar. My emotions are all over the place. I want so desperately to have a healthy baby, to bring them home happy, to feed them the way a baby is supposed to be fed, but I can't ever see that happening.

I have to have faith that my little boy is up there, watching down of my and his little brother or sister and making sure that we will be ok. He has shown me signs before that things will be ok.

So that's my story, well it's Oscars story really. My brave, strong angel son.
Xxxx
Me 29
DH 30
Oscar forever 5 months
Our beautiful son Oscar, born 24/2/14 at 32 weeks with Tetralogy of Fallot, oesophageal atresia and tracheo oesophageal fistula. Earned his wings aged 5 months and 1 day.
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Oscar is going to be a big brother. BFP #2 29/11/14

Arlo William, our beautiful rainbow born safely 22nd July 2015

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