What do you say to people?

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What do you say to people?

Postby rachelrhin0 » Thu Apr 15, 2010 12:30 pm

Being pregnant, people are always asking if this is my first. My first thought is NO! That's because this is NOT my 1st. My 1st daughter lived 4 months before passing away. My 2nd daughter was stillborn when I was 8 months pregnant. So no this is not my 1st but hopefully will be a living child I can bring home to love. So it's hard b/c if I say it's not my 1st then they ask how old my other children are. Then i have to give this whole spill about my life and my losses. Then I get this "Oh poor you" look from people. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I don't feel sorry for me so why should others? So then if I say that this is my 1st I feel like I have forgotten about my girls or not included them in my life when they are very much a part of my life. So what do you say when people ask? Do you include you other children even though they are no longer living or do you not include them? I feel guilty for not but I hate the looks I get from people when they find out my story. Then if I tell people about my losses and that it's ok and not look sad tp them I think that they think I have the coldest heart ever, when that's NOT the case. I just have been given peace over my losses. I wish people would never ask that question in the 1st place, but how are they to know how it truly effects me?
Rachel (30) Wife to Ryan (34)
Carly (11/15/07-3/9/08 ) Hannah (stillborn 32 weeks 11/7/08 ) Noah (35 weeks 6/30/10)
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Postby kjdandjbd » Thu Apr 15, 2010 12:51 pm

When people ask these days I feel very comfortable saying, "No, this is my second." Usually that ends the conversation but sometimes they ask, oh so how old is your first? and I just say, she passed away. That's all the information I usually give to strangers unless they ask more questions after that. I have found though that a lot of time when people ask me and I am honest with them they don't get too overly sympathetic, maybe that's because of the look that is usually on my face by then. :wink: Kind of like a "Hey you asked me and I am going to be honest." type look.

I LOVE talking about my first born daughter. Even if it's just to tell strangers she was here, for a short time but she was here.

**HUGS**

I am sorry for your losses and I hope your current pregnancy goes perfect and you come home with a healthy living baby.
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Postby mommyofgirls » Thu Apr 15, 2010 9:53 pm

This actually come to play last week for me. I asked a mom at my daughter's gymnastics if she had 3 girls... She had 2 with her and I was assuming she had a daughter in my daughters gymnastics class. I also have 3 girls :wink: She said yes but she had a MC before the last one. So some women feel very comfortable. I felt a connection & told her I also did as well before my 3rd girl. My BFF had a still birth at 40 weeks & she tells people she has 2 children. 3 now as she just gave birth on Easter to her 3rd girl :D :D For me before I even had my MC she always had 2 children(they were 12 months & 1 week apart) to me. Just becuase Alexia was born still dosen't mean she never existed KWIM. If someone has 3 older children and 1 passed away due to lets say an accident God forbid it dosen't mean they only have 2 they still have 3.

It's just what your comfortable with. Becuase others don't understand that have never exp a loss. Such a shame it has to be that way. HUGS! Congrats on your pregnancy!
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Postby Baby4Staci » Sat Apr 17, 2010 8:09 pm

As someone who cant answer this from experience say what you need to say. If you feel like talking about your children then tell them how many you really have!! if you dont feel like talking about it say it is your first.

Case in point.. I saw an old friend of mine back in January. We passed, said hello a brief "how are you" and went our seperate ways. A month later I found out her son who is my daughters age, has a fatal condition and was about to undergo a cord blood transplant.. etc.

Needless to say she didnt feel like talking about it so she didnt.

If you dont want to let a total stranger into your life then dont talk about. No matter what you say people will be sympathetic and sorry for you. To people who have not been through it losing a child is a nightmare. They will be sad for you.
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