6 more weeks and more scared now than ever!

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6 more weeks and more scared now than ever!

Postby niclet » Sun Jan 16, 2011 2:56 pm

I got pregnant after fertility treatments, 4 years of trying, and 1 ectopic pregnancy. I have been a complete worry wart from the start....I guess because of all we have gone through to get here. Even though Dr.s never knew why we could not conceive, in my mind, this is the only child I will have even though logically I know that in fact may not be the case. Anyway....at the start when I got my BFP, I of course worried....is it in the right place? Once I knew it was, I was sure they would not find the heartbeat....and they did...over and over. I got a doppler and listened to it each day until I could feel her move. I thought I would be ok once I reached 20 weeks.....the 20 weeks scan went great and she measured above normal...but then I started worrying about incompenent cervix. Made the doctor test me there, all was fine, so then I worried about my fluid always running low....that never happened...and over time I have just come to relax....until now. (can you tell I read too much stuff on google??)

I am 33 weeks and last night I had a dream that she died! I have 6 weeks left and woke up grabbing my belly making sure I was still pregnant. I then ran to my doppler to make sure her heart was still beating AND I did not go back to sleep until I felt her move...and I have kick counted 5 times today! I am now scared to death that she will die before I can bring her home to the beautiful nursery we have built just for her.....then I'll have to look at it all and then we will never have the baby we have tried so hard to get because we will never get preggo again. I am not crazy and I know that thoughts can not make things happen...or I would have won the lottery long ago.....but I just really need some support ladies....that dream was very real and I am TOTALLY freaking over it.
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Postby zohbeeeee » Mon Jan 17, 2011 1:03 am

I know how you feel. I am 17 weeks, but I keep feeling the anxiety increase. I keep saying I will stop worrying if I reach such and such a point, but then the worrying just increases. I also find myself thinking more frequently about the baby I lost last June.

What I have started doing to help decrease my anxiety are the following:

1. No more Googling
2. Repeat to myself, out loud, all of the milestones my baby has met and how so far NOTHING has been found to be wrong.
3. Try not to think about being pregnant before I fall asleep so that I can hopefully minimize any unborn baby dreams.
4. Currently looking into acupuncture to reduce anxiety.

Doing the above does not get rid of the anxiety 100 percent, but it has definitely helped. You are so close to giving birth. Soon the anxiety will all be a memory. Enjoy your final weeks of being pregnant. You made it!
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Postby HappyGoLucky » Mon Jan 17, 2011 11:44 am

Zohbeeeee, I think you're dead on... I need to try all those things because I am a nervous wreck. I've only had minimal dizziness and nausea (which of course I stress about that too) but the stress of 'what if' makes me feel sick.

I've had several early losses but never saw a heartbeat, which we have 2x and I heard it JUST LAST NIGHT on my doppler still I'm sitting here freaked out with worry.

After so many years (almost 4 for me) and losses how does one relax and just enjoy?!?

After reading niclets post I see that probably not until after delivery and then the a whole new kind of stress kicks in, I'm guessing.

Tonight I'm going to talk DH into helping me with the doppler again, he doesn't think it's good to do it more then a couple times a week but I need the reassurance.. BTW next time he tells me I'm worrying too much I'm gonna smack him upside the head with my dam* doppler, hahaha..

sorry to rant, but I feel ya'lls pain for sure.

My prayer is please Jesus let me keep it in me until at least 30 weeks when it would have a good fighting chance, niclet you're past that!
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Postby zohbeeeee » Mon Jan 17, 2011 11:38 pm

Happy: I hear ya. I am 17 weeks now and still worry daily. Up until now I have mostly been worried about miscarriage and down's syndrome, but last week I started worrying about uterine rupture (had a c-section with my son and learned the risk goes up during the final weeks of pregnancy).

I just can't win. My mind is always looking for stuff to worry about. That miscarriage really hit me hard. I think more so right now as my due date for the baby I lost in June is next Monday. I am hoping that once that time has passed I will relax a little. I am just so thankful I am pregnant.

Don't feel bad about using the doppler if you need it. Men can't really understand as they have no idea what it feels like to have a life inside you and the lose it, and emotions that are running wild partially due to pregnancy hormones.
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Postby niclet » Tue Jan 18, 2011 6:23 pm

Thanks for your replies ladies. i think that Google makes it so much worse too.....I mean really...we would not know about uterine ruptures, incompent cervixes, or chances of stillbirths if we did not seek them out. I alway look to try to calm my mind...then it makes it worse! I also think I am nervous because ironically this baby is due the exact same day as the one we lost.....and my DH is SO nervous now that we are so close to the end that I am just so scared if something happens, I'd never get him to the fertility clinic again! what if what if what it huh?

I did speak to my Dr. yesterday and he made me feel better. He was very honest and told me he can never guarantee nothing will happen, but they check me weekly and thoroughly so the chances are slim....he gave me TWO u/s yesterday just so we could see the lungs and check the cord. He also told me to not stress over kick counting unless I feel her less than 4 times a day and less than 4 times when I feel her.

I am so glad I have someone here who knows how I feel! Thanks so much ladies...what would I do wothout you?
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Postby Tabithasmum » Wed Jan 19, 2011 12:39 am

big hugs...you just have to do what you need to , to get through.

i'm 37weeks now following the stillbirth of my daughter at 38weeks in oct 2009 and i'm still scared- it never goes away. I have good days and i have bad days and there isn't really anything that makes me feel better for longer than about half an hour. But i've got this far and i'm being induced on the 25th at 37w5d.

All i can say from my experience of this subsequent pregnancy (well so far anyway) is you will get through it and every week and stage is a milestone. ALl we can really do in the end is hope for the best!! good luck and all the best.
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Postby monkeysauce » Mon Mar 14, 2011 11:12 am

niclet, it's normal. I'm three days from my due date and freaking out about stillbirths. We just had one in our due date club, and I just can't imagine.

Frankly, I have been more freaked out since I hit "full term" at 37 weeks than at any other time in the pregnancy. I can't help but feel like they're safer out than in, at this point.
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Postby zohbeeeee » Mon Mar 14, 2011 5:28 pm

monkeysause: I heard about that loss. Such a tragedy. It is also making me more anxious then ever. I am planning a VBAC, but stories like this just make me want to have a RCS as soon as baby is ready.
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Postby monkeysauce » Tue Mar 15, 2011 6:49 am

After reading about that yesterday morning, this morning I logged onto a due date club on another message board that I read occasionally, and someone there just lost a full-term infant to cord knots.

I am a mess. I'm not sure I can keep reading these boards until after the baby is born.
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Postby zohbeeeee » Tue Mar 15, 2011 9:18 am

Wow, that is so scary. I personally have stopped reading all boards except tww. I am trying to distance myself from being so obsessed about my pregnancy. I am also thinking about getting the hypnobabies cd so that I can listen to positive affirmations about birth and stop freaking out about all the potential bad stuff.

Only a little longer to go go monkeysauce. I know you are going to make it.
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