Infant Loss support

A special place to talk about your pregnancy after a loss.

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Infant Loss support

Postby s4mm13 » Tue May 05, 2015 6:54 am

I'm looking to connect with other mums who have suffered the loss of their baby after birth, whether neonatal or shortly after.

I lost my son at 5 months old after never being able to bring him home.

I just need a place to talk and share with others who have a greater understanding of what it is like to lose.
Me 29
DH 30
Oscar forever 5 months
Our beautiful son Oscar, born 24/2/14 at 32 weeks with Tetralogy of Fallot, oesophageal atresia and tracheo oesophageal fistula. Earned his wings aged 5 months and 1 day.
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Oscar is going to be a big brother. BFP #2 29/11/14

Arlo William, our beautiful rainbow born safely 22nd July 2015

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Re: Infant Loss support

Postby s4mm13 » Sat May 09, 2015 3:22 am

I was sat in a cafe just now having a cup of tea. In walked a man with an accent that's not from around where I live, but it's an accent that I know all too well.

It's an accent that has just opened a floodgate of memories and emotion.

It's the same accent the consultant spoke in when telling us there was nothing more they could do to help Oscar. I remember looking down at my tiny little boy, so tired, so helpless. Realising that this would be his last day here with us. He had fought so hard for so long but he was just too tired and too small to keep going. He was ready, but I wasn't.

I'm flooded with guilt when I remember how I couldn't wash all of my son for the last time because I couldn't bare to look at his tiny still heart inside his chest. I'm flooded with guilt that I wasn't the last person to dress him when he finally came home to us for his special day because of the post mortem incisions, stitched and marks. I'm his mummy, I should have done these things for him.

He deserves a better mummy than me, who couldn't save him. Couldn't make him better when that was my job.

I don't deserve to be a mummy to this new life inside of me.
Me 29
DH 30
Oscar forever 5 months
Our beautiful son Oscar, born 24/2/14 at 32 weeks with Tetralogy of Fallot, oesophageal atresia and tracheo oesophageal fistula. Earned his wings aged 5 months and 1 day.
Image

Oscar is going to be a big brother. BFP #2 29/11/14

Arlo William, our beautiful rainbow born safely 22nd July 2015

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s4mm13
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Re: Infant Loss support

Postby happywife78 » Sun May 10, 2015 2:38 pm

I haven't had a post delivery loss, but I couldn't read and not say that I am saying a prayer for you now. Oscar is beautiful. I'm so sorry for your loss and your pain. I'm sure you learned so much by being Oscar's mommy that you will be a wonderful mother to the child who is on that way.

I found this PALS site which has private groups you can join:
http://www.pregnancyafterlosssupport.co ... te-groups/

I'm praying you find the support you need to help you handle this burden and realize what an extraordinary mama you are.
Jen- 36 Dh-38,
DS1-4
DS- 1
It looks like 2 more boys! :D
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Re: Infant Loss support

Postby s4mm13 » Mon May 11, 2015 8:40 am

Jen, thank you so much for replying. It's been a very difficult week or so and I've been struggling to cope. Thank you also for the weblink. I will definitely have a look.

Most of all thank you for replying.
Me 29
DH 30
Oscar forever 5 months
Our beautiful son Oscar, born 24/2/14 at 32 weeks with Tetralogy of Fallot, oesophageal atresia and tracheo oesophageal fistula. Earned his wings aged 5 months and 1 day.
Image

Oscar is going to be a big brother. BFP #2 29/11/14

Arlo William, our beautiful rainbow born safely 22nd July 2015

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s4mm13
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Re: Infant Loss support

Postby happywife78 » Mon May 11, 2015 12:53 pm

Hugs, mama. I hope you are able to find a support group that helps you with your grief.
Jen- 36 Dh-38,
DS1-4
DS- 1
It looks like 2 more boys! :D
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Re: Infant Loss support

Postby s4mm13 » Sun May 17, 2015 1:41 pm

The pals support you suggested has been wonderful. I finally don't feel crazy and am able to be open, honest and frank about what I've been through. It's such a lonely place to be at times, but sharing with people who have suffered the same sort of loss has been invaluable.

Thank you so much.
Me 29
DH 30
Oscar forever 5 months
Our beautiful son Oscar, born 24/2/14 at 32 weeks with Tetralogy of Fallot, oesophageal atresia and tracheo oesophageal fistula. Earned his wings aged 5 months and 1 day.
Image

Oscar is going to be a big brother. BFP #2 29/11/14

Arlo William, our beautiful rainbow born safely 22nd July 2015

Image

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s4mm13
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Re: Infant Loss support

Postby s4mm13 » Mon May 18, 2015 1:21 pm

We bought a beautiful keepsake, treasures box yesterday. The aim is to put away some of Oscar things, like special clothes, his congratulations cards, our sympathy cards etc. I don't know how I'm going to be able to do it. I don't think I can just pack away my son.
Me 29
DH 30
Oscar forever 5 months
Our beautiful son Oscar, born 24/2/14 at 32 weeks with Tetralogy of Fallot, oesophageal atresia and tracheo oesophageal fistula. Earned his wings aged 5 months and 1 day.
Image

Oscar is going to be a big brother. BFP #2 29/11/14

Arlo William, our beautiful rainbow born safely 22nd July 2015

Image

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s4mm13
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Re: Infant Loss support

Postby orionslight » Wed Jun 03, 2015 4:29 am

s4, so many hugs and prayers coming your way. You very much deserve this new life, you fought hard and loved Oscar, just like a mommy should. You were also able to put your own pain aside and understand how tired he was, and loved him as he went to be an angel. He was beautiful, and my heart is sad for your loss. But never blame yourself, we are but a very small part of Gods plan. Thinking of you and sending you much love.
Baby Ireland born 4-18-14 healthy and happy :)

Joining her 11 brothers and sisters
Loss July 2015@ 11+3, girl
Loss June 2016@ 13+5,boy
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Re: Infant Loss support

Postby s4mm13 » Wed Jun 03, 2015 2:06 pm

Thank you Orion for such kind words, they mean a lot.

xx
Me 29
DH 30
Oscar forever 5 months
Our beautiful son Oscar, born 24/2/14 at 32 weeks with Tetralogy of Fallot, oesophageal atresia and tracheo oesophageal fistula. Earned his wings aged 5 months and 1 day.
Image

Oscar is going to be a big brother. BFP #2 29/11/14

Arlo William, our beautiful rainbow born safely 22nd July 2015

Image

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s4mm13
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Re: Infant Loss support

Postby Yelibaby » Fri Jun 12, 2015 2:00 pm

I replied to your other post, and just read this one. I feel compelled to answer here as well. I have not suffered a loss like yours, so I can't say that I begin to understand how you feel. I don't think you should blame yourself for not giving him his last bath, or changing him. I'm sure he didn't want you to remember him without life and full of scars. You were a strong momma, there with him every step of the way, doing everything you could for him, giving him all your love through those scary months. I'm sure he thought you were the best mother on earth and he felt safe when you were there, even safe enough to give up when his strength wasn't enough.

Also, there's no way that your are packing away your son, he is ever present in your heart and soul; he goes wherever you go, and a part of him is also in his little sibling. There will come a time of healing, even if you don't think it's possible. You will heal, never forget, but heal. I'm sure Oscar's sibling will play a part in your healing process. Your new baby will never replace Oscar, but the love and joy s/he will bring will help to mend your broken heart.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Me: 31
DH: 29
TTC #1 since OCT 2014. After 1 year Nuvaring.

BFP Feb. 15, 2015 - MC at 7 weeks
BFP Apr 2015 - cp
BFP May 24th, 2015 (My bday - 9dpo)

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Beta 10dpo - 35// 12dpo - 100// 14dpo - 255// 17dpo - 1186.4// 21dpo - 7763.4

Progesterone 10dpo - 56.4 (oral progesterone)
Progesterone 14dpo - 61.3 (vaginal supplements and shot)

Please be my rainbow baby!!
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Re: Infant Loss support

Postby s4mm13 » Sat Jun 13, 2015 12:39 am

Yeli, thank you for being so kind.

I hope for you that this baby will be your take home, for keeps, rainbow too. Xxxx
Me 29
DH 30
Oscar forever 5 months
Our beautiful son Oscar, born 24/2/14 at 32 weeks with Tetralogy of Fallot, oesophageal atresia and tracheo oesophageal fistula. Earned his wings aged 5 months and 1 day.
Image

Oscar is going to be a big brother. BFP #2 29/11/14

Arlo William, our beautiful rainbow born safely 22nd July 2015

Image

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s4mm13
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