Can't imagine bringing a baby home.....

A special place to talk about your pregnancy after a loss.

Moderators: B Michaelson, southernbelle, jessm, 1daysoon, reapage, Honey Bunny, unaffected, maddy, TrebleLily

Can't imagine bringing a baby home.....

Postby s4mm13 » Mon Jun 08, 2015 9:27 am

Does anyone else here feel like they can't really believe that they will bring their baby home?

Five months with Oscar in the hospital, he never came home. I'm almost at the point now where I delivered him, but I can not believe that I will be allowed to walk out the hospital doors with my baby! It feels like a completely alien concept.

To me babies are tagged, attached to machines and suction tubing and kept behind locked doors and you're only allowed to see them during the day.

I can't imagine coming home with a baby.
Me 29
DH 30
Oscar forever 5 months
Our beautiful son Oscar, born 24/2/14 at 32 weeks with Tetralogy of Fallot, oesophageal atresia and tracheo oesophageal fistula. Earned his wings aged 5 months and 1 day.
Image

Oscar is going to be a big brother. BFP #2 29/11/14

Arlo William, our beautiful rainbow born safely 22nd July 2015

Image

Image
s4mm13
Moderator
Moderator
 
Posts: 1193
Joined: Mon Aug 12, 2013 5:46 am

Re: Can't imagine bringing a baby home.....

Postby s4mm13 » Thu Jun 11, 2015 9:01 am

No support here at all?

33 people read my post and didn't say a single word.

That's pretty hard to accept too.......
Me 29
DH 30
Oscar forever 5 months
Our beautiful son Oscar, born 24/2/14 at 32 weeks with Tetralogy of Fallot, oesophageal atresia and tracheo oesophageal fistula. Earned his wings aged 5 months and 1 day.
Image

Oscar is going to be a big brother. BFP #2 29/11/14

Arlo William, our beautiful rainbow born safely 22nd July 2015

Image

Image
s4mm13
Moderator
Moderator
 
Posts: 1193
Joined: Mon Aug 12, 2013 5:46 am

Re: Can't imagine bringing a baby home.....

Postby Yelibaby » Fri Jun 12, 2015 1:37 pm

It breaks my heart to read your post. It's so sad that you've been through so much and that has left that image of what babies look like in your head and heart. I know it can seem like an alien concept, a baby that you take home, but it will happen. You will take this baby home with you. I believe it for you, and I believe it for me also.

I'm so sorry that support here has been scarce; I hope that you know that you are not alone!
Me: 31
DH: 29
TTC #1 since OCT 2014. After 1 year Nuvaring.

BFP Feb. 15, 2015 - MC at 7 weeks
BFP Apr 2015 - cp
BFP May 24th, 2015 (My bday - 9dpo)

Image

Beta 10dpo - 35// 12dpo - 100// 14dpo - 255// 17dpo - 1186.4// 21dpo - 7763.4

Progesterone 10dpo - 56.4 (oral progesterone)
Progesterone 14dpo - 61.3 (vaginal supplements and shot)

Please be my rainbow baby!!
Image
Yelibaby
Addicted
Addicted
 
Posts: 799
Joined: Wed Feb 18, 2015 8:53 am

Re: Can't imagine bringing a baby home.....

Postby s4mm13 » Sat Jun 13, 2015 12:34 am

Yeli, thank you so much for your words. I can't begin yo tell you how much it means to have someone take the time to leave a reply that is hopeful and encouraging.

I know I may sometimes come across as a "Debbie downer" and that's why people don't chose to respond, but the experience I had with my son was so far removed from being normal that I find it very difficult to see myself experiencing anything else.

I try to tell myself regularly that this is a different baby to my son and that the same thing won't happen again, but my experience has had such an effect, it's not always easy.
Me 29
DH 30
Oscar forever 5 months
Our beautiful son Oscar, born 24/2/14 at 32 weeks with Tetralogy of Fallot, oesophageal atresia and tracheo oesophageal fistula. Earned his wings aged 5 months and 1 day.
Image

Oscar is going to be a big brother. BFP #2 29/11/14

Arlo William, our beautiful rainbow born safely 22nd July 2015

Image

Image
s4mm13
Moderator
Moderator
 
Posts: 1193
Joined: Mon Aug 12, 2013 5:46 am

Re: Can't imagine bringing a baby home.....

Postby Yelibaby » Sat Jun 13, 2015 8:29 am

I understand, and you just have to keep telling yourself that everyday, until something different happens. Until that day your baby comes home with you. There will be days when you'll definitely think your name is Debbie Downer and won't be able to think positively and you just have to feel that wave of emotions, cry if you must, but the next day you pick yourself back up.

I think some people don't respond because they can't find the words to say that'll make you feel better. I know nothing I say can heal your heart, but I still want to reply so that you know there's a shoulder here where you can lean on when you're having a low day.
Me: 31
DH: 29
TTC #1 since OCT 2014. After 1 year Nuvaring.

BFP Feb. 15, 2015 - MC at 7 weeks
BFP Apr 2015 - cp
BFP May 24th, 2015 (My bday - 9dpo)

Image

Beta 10dpo - 35// 12dpo - 100// 14dpo - 255// 17dpo - 1186.4// 21dpo - 7763.4

Progesterone 10dpo - 56.4 (oral progesterone)
Progesterone 14dpo - 61.3 (vaginal supplements and shot)

Please be my rainbow baby!!
Image
Yelibaby
Addicted
Addicted
 
Posts: 799
Joined: Wed Feb 18, 2015 8:53 am

Re: Can't imagine bringing a baby home.....

Postby s4mm13 » Sat Jun 13, 2015 8:47 am

Thank you.

For the most part I'm pretty strong, but there are moments where I crumble.

It's also hard as his baby is due almost a year to the day that Oscar fell asleep for the last time. We never expected to conceive so quickly what with the stress and my cycle only just returning. It's definitely going to make the last part of this pregnancy more difficult, but at the same time it's a sign of hope and new love and a positive to focus on rather than the fresh heartache of that first year without my son with me.

Yeli, I also hope that I can be of support to you and I really and truly hope that this is also your take home rainbow.
Me 29
DH 30
Oscar forever 5 months
Our beautiful son Oscar, born 24/2/14 at 32 weeks with Tetralogy of Fallot, oesophageal atresia and tracheo oesophageal fistula. Earned his wings aged 5 months and 1 day.
Image

Oscar is going to be a big brother. BFP #2 29/11/14

Arlo William, our beautiful rainbow born safely 22nd July 2015

Image

Image
s4mm13
Moderator
Moderator
 
Posts: 1193
Joined: Mon Aug 12, 2013 5:46 am

Re: Can't imagine bringing a baby home.....

Postby Yelibaby » Sat Jun 13, 2015 9:38 am

Thank you so much!
Me: 31
DH: 29
TTC #1 since OCT 2014. After 1 year Nuvaring.

BFP Feb. 15, 2015 - MC at 7 weeks
BFP Apr 2015 - cp
BFP May 24th, 2015 (My bday - 9dpo)

Image

Beta 10dpo - 35// 12dpo - 100// 14dpo - 255// 17dpo - 1186.4// 21dpo - 7763.4

Progesterone 10dpo - 56.4 (oral progesterone)
Progesterone 14dpo - 61.3 (vaginal supplements and shot)

Please be my rainbow baby!!
Image
Yelibaby
Addicted
Addicted
 
Posts: 799
Joined: Wed Feb 18, 2015 8:53 am

Re: Can't imagine bringing a baby home.....

Postby Laceyfitz13 » Mon Jun 15, 2015 4:28 pm

I know what it feels like to take the time to write a post, looking for support and not a single soul try to offer it.

So I'm here to tell you that you will be taking this baby home! I've never been through anything like you have but I felt the same way when I pregnant. My anxiety was so bad, I had convinced myself that something would happen to my daughter before I got to bring her home.

But she's here, almost 5 months old, and thriving. It's a beautiful thing to take your baby home and it's something not everyone gets go experience. But you already know that. So don't let your mind and anxiety play games with you. You'll have your baby in your arms and home before you know it!
Laceyfitz13
Member
Member
 
Posts: 33
Joined: Wed Jan 29, 2014 3:39 pm

Re: Can't imagine bringing a baby home.....

Postby s4mm13 » Tue Jun 16, 2015 8:17 am

Lacey, thank you.

Powerful words and very encouraging.

Our minds can be evil at times and it really does help to have the encouragement to believe a positive outcome is possible.

I'm so sorry that you too have found some areas of the boards a little unsupportive.

Congratulations on having a beautiful daughter. I hope she continues to thrive. Xx
Me 29
DH 30
Oscar forever 5 months
Our beautiful son Oscar, born 24/2/14 at 32 weeks with Tetralogy of Fallot, oesophageal atresia and tracheo oesophageal fistula. Earned his wings aged 5 months and 1 day.
Image

Oscar is going to be a big brother. BFP #2 29/11/14

Arlo William, our beautiful rainbow born safely 22nd July 2015

Image

Image
s4mm13
Moderator
Moderator
 
Posts: 1193
Joined: Mon Aug 12, 2013 5:46 am

Re: Can't imagine bringing a baby home.....

Postby justxher » Fri Jun 19, 2015 6:04 pm

I am so sorry for what you went through, i don't think you're a Debbie Downer at all, most of us can't imagine what you're feeling but surely losing a child has to be just about the most devastating human experience ever and would leave anyone apprehensive the second time around. I think people don't respond because they are at a loss for what to say, or feel that anything they could say would be inadequate.

I also can't imagine bringing an actual baby home with me, the other day I looked at an outfit someone gifted us for the baby and thought oh my god, there's going to be an actual human here in our house that I will be putting this outfit on! You will have your baby home with you soon and you will be able to hug, kiss, clothe, feed, and bathe him/her every day. Just a few more weeks, I am confident everything will be just perfect with this baby.
Me: 27
DH: 29
DS1: :angel: Baby Jase born 06/30/15, premature at 18w2d

DS2: June 25 2016
User avatar
justxher
Angel
Angel
 
Posts: 524
Joined: Wed Mar 18, 2015 12:11 pm

Re: Can't imagine bringing a baby home.....

Postby s4mm13 » Sat Jun 20, 2015 1:50 pm

Justxher,

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me.

I can understand that people just can't find the right words but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

Your words of comfort mean so much especially as I approach the first anniversary of the loss of Oscar.
Me 29
DH 30
Oscar forever 5 months
Our beautiful son Oscar, born 24/2/14 at 32 weeks with Tetralogy of Fallot, oesophageal atresia and tracheo oesophageal fistula. Earned his wings aged 5 months and 1 day.
Image

Oscar is going to be a big brother. BFP #2 29/11/14

Arlo William, our beautiful rainbow born safely 22nd July 2015

Image

Image
s4mm13
Moderator
Moderator
 
Posts: 1193
Joined: Mon Aug 12, 2013 5:46 am

Re: Can't imagine bringing a baby home.....

Postby tryingnumber3 » Mon Jun 29, 2015 2:58 pm

I'm so sorry you are having a difficult time right now. You're story has always struck a cord with me and I really hope the best for you. I'm sure you will be able to take home this baby, but I can totally see how it would be difficult to imagine.
Me: Jessica 26
Dh: 27
DD1: 8
DD2: 6
DD3: 7/21/15 :babyg:
:angel: 6 weeks 10/19/14

Image
User avatar
tryingnumber3
Girlfriend
Girlfriend
 
Posts: 1576
Joined: Sat Oct 04, 2014 12:37 pm
Location: CA, USA

Re: Can't imagine bringing a baby home.....

Postby s4mm13 » Tue Jun 30, 2015 9:42 am

Thank you jess.

I have good days and bad days.

I think I'm just so desperate to bring this baby home, my mind is protecting itself as I know I couldn't cope if we were to suffer the loss of another.
Me 29
DH 30
Oscar forever 5 months
Our beautiful son Oscar, born 24/2/14 at 32 weeks with Tetralogy of Fallot, oesophageal atresia and tracheo oesophageal fistula. Earned his wings aged 5 months and 1 day.
Image

Oscar is going to be a big brother. BFP #2 29/11/14

Arlo William, our beautiful rainbow born safely 22nd July 2015

Image

Image
s4mm13
Moderator
Moderator
 
Posts: 1193
Joined: Mon Aug 12, 2013 5:46 am

Re: Can't imagine bringing a baby home.....

Postby tryingnumber3 » Tue Jun 30, 2015 4:01 pm

It's good to see you're creeping up on baby being full term. Every day baking makes a nicu stay less and less likely. I have faith you will have a healthy take home baby. ;)
Me: Jessica 26
Dh: 27
DD1: 8
DD2: 6
DD3: 7/21/15 :babyg:
:angel: 6 weeks 10/19/14

Image
User avatar
tryingnumber3
Girlfriend
Girlfriend
 
Posts: 1576
Joined: Sat Oct 04, 2014 12:37 pm
Location: CA, USA

Re: Can't imagine bringing a baby home.....

Postby s4mm13 » Wed Jul 01, 2015 12:03 am

:) today I've hit my personal goal of 35 weeks! If baby does come it's very unlikely now that we will need NICU or SCBU.

It does make me feel much more confident, but there are always those little fears that creep in.

How are you feeling?
Me 29
DH 30
Oscar forever 5 months
Our beautiful son Oscar, born 24/2/14 at 32 weeks with Tetralogy of Fallot, oesophageal atresia and tracheo oesophageal fistula. Earned his wings aged 5 months and 1 day.
Image

Oscar is going to be a big brother. BFP #2 29/11/14

Arlo William, our beautiful rainbow born safely 22nd July 2015

Image

Image
s4mm13
Moderator
Moderator
 
Posts: 1193
Joined: Mon Aug 12, 2013 5:46 am

Next

Return to Pregnant After a Loss

cron