A part of me feels like I shouldn't even be writing this, ashamed I guess for feeling like this. And don't get me wrong, most of the time I feel pretty good and I'm THRILLED to be pregnant with this beautiful little girl. We had been trying for almost a year, and this is my dream come true. But I've suffered from depression a lot of my life, and there have been times during this pregnancy where these feelings have crept up. It was pretty bad the first trimester, mostly because I was anxious about something going wrong, so I just cried and worried a lot. Then things got better, and for the past several weeks I've had more good days than bad. But this weekend I was pretty down, and I thought that it might help to be open and honest about how I feel rather than bottle it up inside. I'm worried that if I don't talk about it that it will only get worse and could lead to postpartum depression.
My weekend started off crappy after our plans to go to the city fell through, I had been looking forward to going up and shopping for a stroller and some things and we thought we were meeting my friend and her boyfriend for dinner. Anyways, it was nothing to cry over, but I was just a little bummed out that instead we stayed home and did absolutely nothing. But then when I was alone for a bit when DH was out with his brother, I got really, really sad. For months and months I have been excited about the thought of having a baby and being a stay-at-home Mom for awhile, and suddenly I felt like it was going to be overwhelmingly lonely.
I think part of the problem is we don't have a lot of friends. I don't have ANY Mommy friends. And the friends we do have aren't exactly the crowd I want to hang around with anymore. For example, on Friday we were invited to two different Halloween parties. One of them we attended last year and it was just a big drinking party with a liquor luge and stuff. DH and I don't mind getting together with people and having a few drinks (of course I can't now) but we aren't into parties where that's ALL people do is drink. Then DH mentioned that we were invited to another couple's party too. He said he asked him 'Is it just a drinking party?' and his buddy replied 'Pretty much, but we might set up some games like beer pong.'
We just had no desire whatsoever to attend these parties, not only did I not find these events all that fun before, but being pregnant I just feel like I do fit into that scene at all.
You might be thinking 'Why not just make some new friends?' but it's not really that easy. We live in this tiny little military town and there's never really a lot to do. DH is going to take just a few weeks off after the baby comes, and then he'll be back to work and I'm starting to worry that I'll just be bored and lonely at home by myself with the baby. Especially since it'll be winter and not even nice to go outside. I started looking into 'Mom & Tots' type activities to see if there's anything I'll be able to do (likely not until she's a bit older, but something to get excited about I thought), and I found swimming but that's it. I did join a facebook group for Moms in my area and I'm hoping to meet some people through that, but I've always had difficulty moving from the acquaintance to the friend stage with people. DH at least has his brother and some other guy friends he can hang out with.
I also know that the newborn stage isn't going to be all sunshine and rainbows, and I'm starting to worry more and more about struggling with breastfeeding, the exhaustion etc. I hope this doesn't make me sound like a horrible Mom/person, but I'm suddenly just feeling less excited. Like all those months ttc I mostly only thought about the good stuff, how I longed for a sweet little baby in my arms smiling up at me, and a child that I could watch grow and teach things to. But now reality is setting in, I'm realizing that she will do a lot more crying than smiling, and that I'm just going to be spending most of my time at home alone with this helpless little being.