WARNING: LONG POST> I promised that I would post details of my BFP (when that day came) and now I can! I hope this post will encourage others.
We tried off and on for 3 years. I charted EVERYTHING!!! So many tears and so much frustration, but I felt in my heart that it was going to happen... on God's timing, not mine (which is hard to accept sometimes).
*I HATED hearing people say, "When you stop trying it will happen." How do you stop trying when it is something that you want so bad... and you kinda have to try.lol
After the 2nd chemical I had the doctor run a RPL blood panel. Although they assumed everything was fine and it was "just a fluke", I knew something was off. The results came back great... but I did have a double copy of a gene mutation MTHFR! I have 3 perfect boys and NEVER knew of the problem, but my youngest is 10. I figured that maybe the gene gets worse with age and that is why it was causing issues.
We waited a few months and I started taking appropriate vitamins to help with this gene mutation, extra Lmeytholfolate, and baby aspirin. Well, after 5 months we got pregnant for the 3rd time! This time the BFP was darker and I didn't bleed right after my period was due. This one seemed to be a keeper! However, at my first doctors appointment I felt like something was wrong and voiced my opinion to the doctor. She tried to reassure me that all was fine because I wasn't bleeding, or cramping, But i knew something was wrong because I had no major symptoms at all. I requested an ultrasound due to my previous losses and she agreed to ease my mind with an ultrasound (I was 8 weeks).
*I know it's normal for some women to not experience major symptoms, but I know my body and it wasn't like me.
We had the ultrasound the same day and there was no baby. The sac measured 6 weeks, and was diagnosed as a blighted ovum. I told the doctor that I wanted to try and let my body get rid of it on it's own because I read that it was better for future conception/ less invasive. I had to wait until I was 13 weeks for it to start on its own!! However, it did all come out on its own within a 24 hour period. (horrible experience)
We were both kinda freaked by that whole experience and decided to stop trying for a while... maybe even for good. After all, we had 3 perfect boys and would just focus on them and our family. However, that ache in my heart never went away... I just felt in my heart that we were supposed to have another baby. I had to pray a lot the next few months because I felt like God placed the desire on my heart, but I was forcing it on my schedule and my timing.
We took a break, but I continued to chart EVERYTHING... just incase. Why do we (women) have to be in control of everything?! lol Anyways, the miscarriage happened in March 2017. We decided to try again in July 2017. I noticed that my cycles went back to normal 29 days and that was a relief. However, WE COULD NOT GET PREGNANT AGAIN. I didn't understand because we had 3 losses within the two and a half year period and now nothing.
*WE TRIED EVERY CRAZY THING: Pineapple core, socks to maintain temps, standing on my head, staying in bed after sex, no peeing after, Preseed, soft cups, food changes, Clomid, Progesterone, and sex on specific days, and so much more.... it was crazy!
The doctor suggested Clomid (although I was ovulating) in order to increase our chances each month. I took it for 3 cycles with NO LUCK! My cycles did change from 29 to 31 and 33 days due to the medicine. Also, I suffered severe anxiety and depression after my last dose... IT WAS TERRIFYING!! I PROMISED TO NEVER TAKE IT AGAIN. It didn't start until the last dose was finished and almost out of my system.
I had ENOUGH of EVERYTHING! I decided to completely stop in November of 2017. My husband and I couldn't take it anymore. We realized that it obviously wasn't a part of God's plan or will for us and we had to TRUST him despite our desires. After all, He blessed us with children to begin with and that was enough.
The only thing left was the Ovia app on my phone and that I decided to keep just to track my periods in hopes they would return to a normal 29 day cycle. I can't tell how FREE I felt to just LET GO and STOP forcing it. We took our family vacation in February 2018 and I did happen to notice that it was scheduled during my "fertile week", but I hadn't been using OPKs anymore, so i didn't know for sure if the chart was accurate. I just shrugged it off and focused on the trip, my kids, and the memories we would make. Plus, I needed to get away after the major anxiety attack!