I am pretty excited to be writing my BFP story, but it is not without a few bumps in the road. DH and I are in our early 30's. Right after getting married, we both knew we wanted to start a family asap because of my age and not knowing how long it would take me to get pregnant.
The second month of trying, I got pregnant. We were over the moon! It was so fast! We talked about how we were going to parent this child, and what we would or wouldn't do 'just like our parents', and even got into a little squabble over names…'well, I don't like that name, what about so and so?'…'no way, I knew a kid in elementary school with that name, and I hated that kid!' DH and I were planning out our not so far off future, and our little bug was hardly a speck in the universe. It didn't matter…I knew he was in there, making a little spot all his own. I could feel him, actually feel him as a warm spot on my left side, and I knew as long as I felt that warm spot, I would have a little baby to hold in 9 months.
Not long after 'Spot' had made his presence known through a series of Dollar Store cheepie tests, I felt a few heavy pinches right around were Spot was. They were quick and to the point, and enough to make me catch my breath. I was 5w2d. I went to the bathroom and found bright red blood, and quickly made an appointment with my gyno. A vaginal ultrasound showed nothing wrong. I had no pain, but continued to bleed every shade of red for the next week. It was a Monday and I was at work when the obgyn called to tell me my betas weren't progressing how she hoped. By the time I got the phone call, I already knew because I started cramping…hard. I lost my baby in a random bathroom while at work. A very sad, unimportant ending to a happy idea. I was 6w3d.
I was depressed but felt this 'need' to try as soon as possible. To fill the hole in my heart, I needed to fill the physical hole, the emptiness where Spot used to be, with another baby. We tried and tried, but nothing. No little babies wanted to come live with us. I started to avoid all children. The younger and cuter, the more I shied away. Especially little boys. Even though I had no clue what Spot would have been, I felt in my heart it would have been a boy. Don't ask me why, but thats what I felt. Spot became Noah. Naming him was the first step of letting go, and the beginning of acceptance of the next chapter in my life.
A few more months ticked by and a family member got very ill. Suddenly, making a baby became not so important. We still BD'd, but it was mechanical and not fun. I thought for sure nothing would come of January. I was right. I had a temp drop that singled the beginning of impending AF. Usually I wouldn't waste a test with such a drop, don't ask me why, but I took one. I always drop the liquid in the little well, five drops just like the directions say, and I stare at it. I wanted to detect the exact moment I found out I was pregnant. Exactly. It was a slow process, but I began to see a line. A faint, slightly pink little line started to make itself known, and before 3 minutes, it was staring back at me. Holy Cow. HOLE-LEE COW. I let that sink in for a minute. I'm pregnant. Me. This girl…PREGNANT!
Over the next few days I took more tests, and the lines were becoming darker, and almost started to sing. I planned on how to tell DH, but our family member got so ill that his impending passing was right around the corner, and we began to prepare for it. My tears of pregnant joy became tears of sadness, and I kept my little secret. At first I thought that my 'happy news' would balance out the 'sad news', and contemplated telling DH. I decided not to because I wanted him to experience his sadness and grieve properly for his lost family member. I didn't want to give him conflicting emotions. Right now I am planning on telling him possibly Valentines day if I can hold out that long.
1dpo- Very bloated
3dpo- Very bloated again. It's uncomfortable.
4dpo- Again with the bloating. I thought I felt 'twinges' in my lower left side by my ovary. My left nipple is tender to touch. What does that mean? Just the ONE nipple? Anyway…
5dpo- Stuffy nose upon waking and very gassy.
6dpo- Gassy with very mild cramping that come and go, and I am hyper aware of my lower left side. Very emotional, and because I'm neurotic, I took a test…BFN. Duh. If I could go back in time, I'd punish myself for that move.
7dpo- Well I did it again…BFN. The now me is pissed at the me from a few seconds ago when I decided to take that test. I am still gassy and bloated with slight cramps, but now my right boob only hurts. Forget the left nipple. That's over now.
8dpo- BFN. I'll never learn. I still have cramps but they are a little more pronounced than 6 and 7dpo and feel like the 'warning cramps' you get just before full blown af cramps and af.