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Trying-to-Conceive Blog

spazzle's blog

Retrieval Report

The past 10 days is a jumble.  Where to begin?

Doing an out-of-town ivf protocol came with its ups and downs. On the one hand, it was nice not feeling obligated to go into the office everyday when I would've been feeling rushed with all the monitoring appointments, and I had tons of time to "just relax", as much as anyone can relax during stims. On the other hand, I was crazy homesick a lot of the time and the traveling was a bit of a burden. I started out pretty strong, but when my retrieval got pushed to the day after my initial target date, I pretty much lost it and nearly hyperventilated in my hotel room. I was just so ready to be done with the bloodwork and the injections and the meds and to see my husband again (who joined me the evening before the retrieval -- can't make embryos without him!). But finally we got a surgery date and all was well in the world.

My protocol overview for those who are curious: clomid 50mg everyday, follistim 150iu every other day, ganirelix injection to prevent an LH spike, novarel hcg shot for trigger, and indomethicin tablets from trigger until retrieval (again to prevent premature ovulation).

We got to collect our specimen at the hotel, which was kind of cool and something that our old clinic absolutely forbade, and then we got checked in at the hospital. It was kind of overwhelming getting prepped for surgery. I think I envisioned it would be more like when I had IUIs, but I had to wear a hospital gown and surgical cap and everything, and I walked into an OR full of doctors and nurses before they put me under. I was kind of groggy from the anesthesia, but they told dh that they retrieved three mature eggs and that I had "a beautiful uterus". (Oh, the strange compliments you get when dealing with fertility... lol.) The target for the minimal protocol like what I did is 5, so I felt a little upset/nervous when they said 3, but the assisting obgyn was really enthusiastic about what mature eggs they were. It had seemed like I had a lot more follicles during the monitoring, but I guess a lot of them did not get big enough.  Anyway, we got word this morning that all three were successfully fertilized!!!  Now we wait for them to grow a few days and get our freeze results next week. I'm really praying that all of them thrive and survive. We are at least hoping that two make it for the transfer, but we'll take what we can get. *prayer hands* I'm staying far away from Google right now and relying solely on faith. I don't need statistics to know that miracles are possible.

So post-op, we made it home and are waiting for the next update. They told me I can't work out for two weeks due to the risk of twisting an ovary (!!!) so idk what the hell I'm going to do with myself, but I'm sure I'll manage, haha. Prayer and meditation! Ya know, I saw this thing the other day that said prayer is when you talk to God and meditation is when you listen to God. How crazy true is that?!? I've definitely been trying to do a lot more listening than talking these days.

Thank you all so much for your kind comments and well wishes. It put a smile on my face this past week more times than you can imagine. It's bizarre to have so many people rooting for us (not just here, but irl). A lot of love has been poured our way and it's been incredibly humbling and amazing. It's been a long road but I feel like maybe, just maybe, we're on the home stretch.

Faith, trust, and baby dust!

Keep Calm & Stim On!

Well, after lots of sorting and stressing and scheduling, we've finally made it to stims!

I think the past week for me was just one long stress headache, but with a lot of the administrative and prep work behind us, we're coming up on the main event - woo! I finished up bcp, got the okay on my baseline ultrasound, and I start meds tonight. It's a minimal stimulation protocol, which consists of Clomid and Follistim (and some standby ganirelix, if they get worried my body might try to trigger ovulation). Daily monitoring starts on day 5 - Monday. My goal at this point is to hold onto my sanity and do my best to go with the flow. Hopefully in a couple of weeks we'll have some embryos. Man, how crazy will that be? 

I love reading all of the messages and well wishes. I haven't been on here a ton, but please know that they're much appreciated even if I'm spotty with my responses!

Sending you all my best. 

They should offer Chill Pills when you order from those specialty fertility pharmacies

It's four weeks until my target date, which means crunch time for scheduling appointments, making payments, and trying to coordinate everything that goes into an out-of-state ivf, so all of that calm clarity I had in the beginning has mostly been replaced by general panic and a yeast infection. Even though I know it was most likely lounging around in that wet bathing suit on Labor Day (rookie mistake), I couldnt help feel sort of responsible when my doctor looked me over, in my rumpled work clothes and rained-on hair, and told me to make sure I'm taking care of myself during all this. So naturally I went home, was snippy with dh, cried about being snippy with dh, and took an essential oil bath. Yayyy stress.

Dh has been so amazing since we started this. He really wants to feel involved, which can be hard for guys, when we have to do all this stuff and all they have to do is turn in their specimen cup, so communication is everything. Even though my instinct is to close up like a turtle when I'm feeling stressed, we talked it out, and I know everything is on track. It's kind of funny how we went from weeks of renewed "baby making" intimacy to me being a crazy stress monster, but that's ttc, right? :,D

In your head you've got this glowing picture of how well you'll handle ivf and then you realize you're only human. It's a lot. But after I make these last few payments I'm going to relax and stop thinking about it for a while. I trust this doctor, I trust that this is the opportunity we've been given, and I know that God has always had my back. I was actually praying for peace or guidance or something the other day during a walk, and at that exact moment a dragonfly flew straight into my head. It got stuck in my hair and everything, I had to free it, and it jetted off. But I feel like that was God smacking me upside the head, being like, "Stop being ridiculous. I got you."

Anyway, I also recently confronted one of the chief offenders in the family who was making inappropriate comments about our fertility situation (she was super mad and defensive, but oh well), so at least I've marked that off my list of stressors going forward. I'm in the best shape of my life, physically and spiritually. It's a long road yet, but I've got good company (like Frodo!), so let's do this. Onward!

Guess who's got target dates?

This blogger!!!

*does ridiculous, singing into hairbrush, '80s movie montage style dance*

I started bcp -- something I never thought I'd say again, lol -- and we've got our whole protocol schedule for retrieval in October, FET in January.

I was a kaleidoscope of emotions over all of this. There was so much I had shoved way deep down over these past four years of (failure isn't the right word... non-success? haha) -- whatever you want to call it -- and it was hard reopening those feelings: that defeat, that fear, that hope. Even in the days leading up to scheduling I could feel myself turning into an anxious tangle of "what ifs" and "whys", and that's a dark, scary maze to try to escape. But throughout these past four years, a lot of life has happened and I've found myself on a spiritual journey, where I cultivated a closeness with God, awareness of my place in the universe, and a deep sense of gratitude and humility. All I can do is have faith, be grateful for this opportunity, and take it as it comes. I could not have handled ivf four years ago, but I'm exactly the person I need to be to handle it now -- come what will. :)

Any thoughts, prayers, or well-wishes are greatly appreciated.

two steps forward, one step back

Our ivf consult went great. The hospital staff was excellent, the doctor was really nice, the treatment plan he proposed was just what we were hoping for, and the live birth success rates for the procedure were outstanding. And then we saw the price tag............

I'm no idiot -- I know ivf is expensive, but due to the minimal stim treatment protocol, we expected it to be roughly $5,000 cheaper than standard ivf. And technically it is cheaper, but the doctor's fee is substantial, so while the medications are much less expensive, the expertise and the success rates come at a premium. All told, we'd be looking at $12k. 

Part of me wishes that they had sucked and we hadn't liked them so much, that way I wouldn't feel so deflated. It's a lot more money to come up with, which will delay things even longer. We don't feel comfortable borrowing that amount of money: even if we're successful, we'll have lots of other bills to consider and don't need to be weighed down with extra debt. We're trying to consider all of our options, but right now it really doesn't look promising. I could apply for a grant, but even then we'd be looking at another year. What's another year I guess?

I don't know. I wish I had all the answers. 

Really struggling this week

Hello, hormones and hating everyone.

I was a little hopeful last week (clinging to that sliver of possibility) but I suspect that AF will be full force overnight so there's that. I feel like I'll never stop waiting. Our appt was moved, so it's still 4 weeks away, and it has felt weeks away for months now, so that definitely creates the feeling of spinning tires and being stuck. I'm frustrated with social media and recent rude commentary from family (commentary that I have warned dh I will vehemently address if that person has the stupidity of bringing it up again). I wasn't going to go into detail here, but actually, yeah, I will. This family member keeps saying things like, "Well I would just hate for you guys to spend alllll this money..." *fumes even writing it* As if it's a) any of her gd business, b) any of her gd money, and c) just something we randomly decided we wanted to do but isn't *really* necessary to having children. All of which I will be bringing up if (more like when) she mentions it again. She keeps dropping these little hints that it's, idk, fucking curable or something. Anecdotal shit about people who "had trouble" and then just "stopped smoking" or "took clomid" or "lost weight". None of that applies to our situation and none of it is her concern even if it did. Hate. Hate hate hate. I hate the sheer ignorance of it and the petty place that comments like that come from. And my polite responses to her that it's not our situation (trust me, I've explained the reality) or just outright ignoring her comments is no longer working for me. I demand justice. I will no longer allow anyone to get away with it. Because if we ever get our appointment and actually start ivf, the last thing I fucking need is people being petty and negative about how much money I spent on something "that may only have a 15% chance of working" (yes, direct quote from her). Actually, I may type up a manifesto and email it to the whole family so everybody can understand ivf etiquette and our expectations on the front end. Okay, I probably won't do that, but you know.

I am still bloated and tired and have a huge zit and want to stab people. At least my boobs look good.

I need to take a walk, take some time to meditate, practice mindful breathing, and stop thinking about asshole people. I am fine, and our appt will come (or it won't), and life will go on.

 

*deep breath*

Life goes on.

Hm

There is a 96% chance (percentage per our former RE) that what I'm experiencing is just another random thing my body does and I'm totally not pregnant... but there's still always that 4%, right? There's also something about June that makes me really hopeful (four years ago this month we decided to start trying!) Anyway, all that said, I'm 9dpo and my lower belly is super bloated. This started noticeably at 7dpo. I've run through the possibilities: I'm not constripated, I've been gassy but nothing to warrant this level of bloat, and I generally feel comfortable so it's not some sort of illness. I'm extremely fit these days, though, so it's possible that even slight bloat can look huge on me now? But man the timing would be so good. Our appointment got pushed back a month (and wouldnt this just be the best surprise after that?). And I just got some possibly promising career news. And idk, things are just good. Again, some sort of June baby fever? I had a really strong ovulation this cycle, and fantastic ewcm, and it was on my right side which *is* the superspeedway tube. Eh, idk, just thinking on the page. 

I've learned there's a cycle to everything. An eb and flow, like the ocean, like breathing. This feeling has its counterpart, and in a few days when my belly goes flat maybe I'll be there again, wondering why I felt contently hopeful. But both are important -- hope and reality. I'm just trying to embrace both, here with my mysterious lower belly bloat. :)

Cold feet

The conversation around ivf has always been "what if we do this and it doesn't work?"  But... what if we do it and it does? What if I regret having kids? What if I love my life right now and kids ruin it? What if I'm forcing something not meant for me and it all blows up in my face??? I generally do not like people's kids. Most people's kids suck. (Probably because a lot of people suck, and they breed sucky kids, but I digress.) What if I'm a shit mom? What if I'm essentially sentencing myself to a lifetime of being miserable and I don't even know it? What if it kills my marriage? I love my marriage! What if I die during childbirth? What if my kid turns out to be a serial killer? (Yes, I watch a lot tv, but IT HAPPENS. Every serial killer or terrorist or crap person has to have a mom somewhere.)

But really, what the hell am I doing? :(

Some things & some stuff

After paying a stupid amount for my "records" (aka the abbreviated amount of info they chose to release to me), I have finally washed my hands of my old RE clinic. We had a bit of a falling out some months ago after they refused to fill out a one page form for an ivf grant application, of which I had already submitted my portion (all 40 pages!) AND paid the entry fee for... but honestly that was just the last straw in a long string of my being unhappy with them, from their overburdened staff to their highly standardized, one-size-fits-all treatment protocols. I guess when you're the only RE clinic in the city you can work that way, but clearly it was not the place for me.

Over the months a lot of things have come together in various ways and, super long story short, we have a consultation scheduled with a highly rated clinic that offers mini ivf. Sure, it's in another city that's quite a drive from here, and sure, the whole consultation may be a bust, but for now it feels right. I've done a ton of research on mini ivf, which differs from standard ivf in that they use milder drugs to stimulate follicle growth and - bonus - without a lot of those pricier drugs, it costs a lot less. It is more in line with our particular situation (MFI) and my comfort level. As with any ART, it's still an expensive gamble, but we'll see what's what after we meet with the doctor. So far the staff has been great and very considerate of the fact that we're coming from out of town. Now I'm just waiting on the appointment date to roll around so we can see the proposed plan and the price tag and determine if this is doable or not. 

I'm making an effort to stay very grounded, flexible, and optimistic. When things get challenging I have a tendency to switch into "managing" mode (trying my best to control a situation, its outcomes, and my emotions about it), which works great for an issue at work or a crisis that needs quick action but doesn't at all work for something like this, which is at its core rife with emotion and unpredictable outcomes. I'm working to stay mindful, to be easy on myself (and others), and to embrace the opportunity over the outcome. 

If any of you are still out there who remember an old blogger like me, send some happy thoughts, prayers, good vibes, or baby dust my way. Whatever your personal preference, I will certainly appreciate it.

♡ Spazzle

 

Because after 3.75 years, you give zero fux.

My new answer for all those questions like:

"Are you guys planning to have kids?"

"Soooo... what about you two?" (when anyone else's kids are near, ever)

"Do you guys just not want kids?"

In comes me, nearly four years battle-weary but super casual:

"Ya know, it's so crazy but I was just reading somewhere how that's one of the top five questions you shouldn't ask people in 2017. Apparently it's really personal or something. Can you believe it?"

:P

A friendly reminder that no one is entitled to your personal business, and no one gets to make you feel crappy about it. 

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