I've been seeing a counselor who is helping me work through some of my grief issues related to ttc, and I've learned some things in the past few weeks.
- I still can't talk about it on a personal level without crying, but that's okay. I could tell someone the facts and the science all day, but the second I have to bring up feelings, all this grief comes out.
- Aside from the water works, I have avoided talking to anyone about it because it makes me so angry that NO ONE understands. Nobody around me went through this. However, I need to remember that while people close to me may not have experience with this, it doesn't mean that they don't truly care about me and want to help or offer support. And there's nothing that says I'm required to talk to anyone about it, anyway.
- That brings me to the issue of people asking insensitive questions. The holidays are coming up (more social gatherings) and inevitably people will marvel, "Oh wow, you've been married five years? Are you guys planning to have children?", or some variation thereof. I've never had the best response to this. If you leave to much open (like replying "We'll see" or "We're hopeful") they add on even more questions. And if I said most of the knee-jerk things I wanted to say (like "do you really think that's a thing you can just go around asking people in polite conversation?" or the simpler "fuck off"), nobody would invite me anywhere. My counselor suggested a simple but firm, "I'll let ya know", with a smile -- doesn't invite extra conversation but is polite, while subtly insinuating "um, if you needed to know I would have told you, get out of my business." And for the continued questions, those who don't know when to stop, there's always, "Wow that's a lot of questions! I don't think I came prepared." And smile. :) Regardless, it's important not to let other people think they have the right to force that conversation, and they don't have the right to make me feel inappropriate about not responding.
- Earlier this year, when I was in a really good, peaceful place with the infertility thing, I often reminded myself to trust the journey. Life isn't just milestone moments, it's the little stuff, the daily stuff, *that's* what life is. The lovely little in-betweens. "Life happens when you're making other plans," they say. I don't want to be living for the next thing. Look around -- the present is beautiful.
- I'm 28. I've. Got. Time. Maybe I can't afford ivf today, but who knows what the next few (five, even six!) years will bring. We're on a great financial path. Plus, I could save for it in an HSA account, so that it's not taxed, reduces our taxable income, and gains interest.
- I've been journaling, and I realized infertility was not the only thing dragging me down! Maybe not even the main thing, if you can believe it, lol. I was so focused on it that I don't know I would have considered the other factors that were stressing me out (hello, workplace issues), which I'm already taking action to resolve. So this has been a really positive experience!
Sending happy thoughts to those of you still out there. :)