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Trying-to-Conceive Blog

spazzle's blog

All those big plans

I realized today that as of this cycle, it's impossible for me to have a baby before I'm 30. Not that that's a terrible thing, it just wasn't my plan, ya know? My plan was to have a baby at 27 and maybe another at 30. In my naive mind there was no way I would have a baby after 32 -- not me! I don't even know where I got these numbers. It's not like they mean anything. And I'm not sure why I was thinking about it today. Maybe just one of those passing thoughts about how sometimes things don't work out how we planned. Does that mean they won't work out at all? I don't know. Almost 4 years of this is enough to make anyone wonder, though. 

I meditate a lot these days. I pray a lot, too. The human spirit has a hard time sitting still. It takes practice to inhabit this moment and not feel anxious about all the ones that have come before it and all the ones that might come after. But the truth is you can't be anywhere except where you are. Breathe it in. Make peace with it. This journey's a long one and like a boat in a river, you can't skip ahead to the end, you have to travel the whole thing, regardless of how hard you paddle. 

I want to be pregnant so badly

I know that goes without saying, but I've never said it here in those plain words. This is my 41st tww (god, i knew I've always hated math), and I've never just written, "I want to be pregnant." There always seems to be more to say. Other things. Quantifiable things. "Symptoms" galore, or maybe an assessment of our efforts, or maybe just how I'm feeling about this whole journey. But today all I have is this -- I WANT to be pregnant. At this point I feel stupid for even having a glimmer of hope. I want to cry. Because in a day or so, I'll start my period like always, and life will move on. I will *never* be pregnant. I mean, tons of people will never get what they want: being an astronaut or saving the world or whatever. I'm just so sad. For some stupid reason I really believed I was pregnant; I feel/felt pregnant. But I'm not. (Negative test. It was an hour hold at night, but c'mon, I'm no idiot.) I wish I could ask the universe what it's waiting for. Maybe one day I'll know. 


Blogging: my alternative to screaming and sobbing

My journal isn't handy so here I am.

I hate people today, and I hate that I do, but it is what it is. So let me say...

Thanks, pinterest, for yet another holiday that is full of pregnancy announcements. And also, I want to take a moment to thank all those women who posted them. Thanks for the inclusion about "how long you waited" for your pregnancies (less than a year on all counts, no clinics, no issues) and how hard it was to "wait" to tell everyone. Thanks for letting me know you're on your second "miracle" kid, when I was already meeting with the specialists before you thought about conceiving your first. Don't forget to include how "blessed" you are every five seconds. Thanks for those of you who have made your whole life about babies to the point I'm not included in basic, very non-baby stuff. Thanks to my friend's dad on Thanksgiving who saw me holding a baby and made a crack about "not getting any ideas" like it would be outrageous that we -- a couple married for 5 years -- would actually want a baby, though his daughter literally got pregnant with the baby I was holding the first month she knew the dad. Thanks to my dh who is sooo super happy for these people. Good for him that he's a better person than me. Thanks to all the people I thought about calling the other day when I was bawling my eyes out over this, because I knew none of them would understand.

I feel like I have all these places that I don't belong because of infertility. On facebook, at certain social gatherings, in my own skin. I'm so angry and alone, and I hate being all of these things. 

Well, I can't say that I feel better, but at least I tried.

Frickin holidays, man.

I dread them in a different way every year.

Over the weekend I hung out with family for a pre-Thanksgiving, and it was a couple of days with my brother's kids (3 and 7), and then on the last day my sister's 1.5-year-old "grandchild" was added to the mix. (I use grandchild in quotation marks because it's her ex-step daughter's kid. My sister is not even 40 either so grandchild seems kind of ridiculous.) Anyway, I was doing okay. Things right around the meal time got hectic, and my sister's gk is AWFUL, and the scene quickly became excruciatingly loud and obnoxious. And I'm looking around and it just dawned on me that every single person in attendance with kids is under 25, unmarried, no stable life, living with family, and staring at their phones while other people fussed over their kids. It just struck something in me. Needless to say I chose to leave shortly after (I had already been there for days and the meal was over, and arguably I needed to start the drive home.) No big deal. But then my sister texted me later on and told me I was being weird and asked if I was okay. It went all over me, really. I confirmed with my mom that I didn't seem weird to her at least. I'm just really frustrated with being forced to cater to other people with regards to how I feel. I should be able to feel however I want. If she wants to drag her gk to every family event that's fine, her choice, but I don't have to ooh and aah and listen to everyone constantly fussing over her. I hate when people fuss over their kids; it's such a pet peeve of mine. And she's a pageant baby, so even though she's a brat ppl want me to be impressed with her dresses and bows. I'd take home training over a cute outfit, but whatever. Just... yeah.

Anyway. That is just gathering #1 of many to kick off this holiday season. Yay...

Finding happiness on the journey

I've been seeing a counselor who is helping me work through some of my grief issues related to ttc, and I've learned some things in the past few weeks.

- I still can't talk about it on a personal level without crying, but that's okay. I could tell someone the facts and the science all day, but the second I have to bring up feelings, all this grief comes out.

- Aside from the water works, I have avoided talking to anyone about it because it makes me so angry that NO ONE understands. Nobody around me went through this. However, I need to remember that while people close to me may not have experience with this, it doesn't mean that they don't truly care about me and want to help or offer support. And there's nothing that says I'm required to talk to anyone about it, anyway. 

- That brings me to the issue of people asking insensitive questions. The holidays are coming up (more social gatherings) and inevitably people will marvel, "Oh wow, you've been married five years? Are you guys planning to have children?", or some variation thereof. I've never had the best response to this. If you leave to much open (like replying "We'll see" or "We're hopeful") they add on even more questions. And if I said most of the knee-jerk things I wanted to say (like "do you really think that's a thing you can just go around asking people in polite conversation?" or the simpler "fuck off"), nobody would invite me anywhere. My counselor suggested a simple but firm, "I'll let ya know", with a smile -- doesn't invite extra conversation but is polite, while subtly insinuating "um, if you needed to know I would have told you, get out of my business." And for the continued questions, those who don't know when to stop, there's always, "Wow that's a lot of questions! I don't think I came prepared." And smile. :) Regardless, it's important not to let other people think they have the right to force that conversation, and they don't have the right to make me feel inappropriate about not responding.

- Earlier this year, when I was in a really good, peaceful place with the infertility thing, I often reminded myself to trust the journey. Life isn't just milestone moments, it's the little stuff, the daily stuff, *that's* what life is. The lovely little in-betweens. "Life happens when you're making other plans," they say. I don't want to be living for the next thing. Look around -- the present is beautiful.

- I'm 28. I've. Got. Time. Maybe I can't afford ivf today, but who knows what the next few (five, even six!) years will bring. We're on a great financial path. Plus, I could save for it in an HSA account, so that it's not taxed, reduces our taxable income, and gains interest.

- I've been journaling, and I realized infertility was not the only thing dragging me down! Maybe not even the main thing, if you can believe it, lol. I was so focused on it that I don't know I would have considered the other factors that were stressing me out (hello, workplace issues), which I'm already taking action to resolve. So this has been a really positive experience! 

Sending happy thoughts to those of you still out there. :)

It has finally happened

Nope. Not my bfp. Depression.

For years I've posted my highs and lows here, and I'm sure in many ways that has kept me level through all the stages of this journey. Then when it all got to be too much, I added meditation and mindfulness and dove headfirst into reviving and deepening my longtime yoga practice. All of these things have helped. But lately I'm struggling to keep my head above water despite my best efforts, and I'm finally caving and researching infertility counselors in my area (which I really feel like RE clinics should keep on site, but I digress).

Maybe caving isn't the right word. That makes it sound like I'm crumbling into weakness. Really it's that in trying to get through all of this, I've built a lot of walls, and it's fucking lonely in here. I feel like I can't have an honest conversation with anyone about it. Not even here. Not even with myself. And it's killing me. My anxiety is worse than it's been since I was in the depths of grad school coursework.

Of course it's not all infertility to blame, but it's a big factor, because I'm not handling it well. Ignoring it for a while somehow let it fester out of control. Not to mention I've reached this point where we're quite literally stuck. I don't see a path in which this works out for us. I really wish I did. All of these things have converged into the perfect storm of almost bursting into tears about three times a day. Over nothing, and everything. Obviously my current approach isn't working anymore. This monster has gotten too big, like it has derived strength from every "are you guys having kids soon?" remark or every pregnancy announcement or baby shower or even just hanging out with some of the new moms I know. I saw one last week who  is pregnant with her second; she loves to post online about her "struggle with infertility" even though she was ttc way less than a year with her first (and that kid was only 4 months old when she got pregnant with this next one), and she has never set foot in an RE office. See what I mean? Monster. None of this should matter. None of this has anything to do with me, but it's lurking around and breathing its fiery breath at me and I've got to figure out how to shake it. And something tells me the first step is figuring out how to take down all these walls. At the very least that would give the beast a chance to roam out into the forest or something, instead of just staying holed up in my chest.

Forgive my taking up space here with this. I know it doesn't really belong, but I don't have any other place to put it.

<3 Spazzle

As if two weeks of waiting weren't enough

This is looking like the second month in a row that I'm having a 15 day luteal phase. >_< Possibly even 16, if AF doesn't stop twiddling her thumbs and get this show on the road today. Sure, it's only a day or two, but that split second of thinking "maybe this is it" is beyond annoying and highly unnecessary, like stabbing me in the back and twisting the knife around. Et tu, Aunte? 

It's also the second or third month in a row that my bbs have gotten ridiculously sore and swollen close to the end of the cycle. It was so bad this month that dh made comments on two separate days about how huge they were. :/ Maybe my progesterone has gotten a bit out of hand or something? Anyway, no need to alert the troops bc sadly they don't hurt at all yesterday/today and look pretty normal again. Like I said before, let's get this show on the road. *begins death march*

Once again trying to move on

I wish I could pluck the desire to be pregnant from the back of my mind like a sweater I'll never wear again that's just taking up space in my closet and give it to Goodwill or something. This clearly isn't happening for me, and I don't mean that in a poor-pitiful-me way, just in a logical, honest way. I want to be done with this. It's been three years. It's like pining for some long lost love that's never coming back. At some point we're all yelling at the TV, "Get over him! Move on! You've got so much life to live!" It's not that I'm spending a lot of time and energy on ttc anymore, it's just that I wish that little desire in the very back of my mind would go away. So at least then I wouldn't feel indignant when I see a Snapchat pregnancy announcement (just in case I had missed the one on facebook, which I didn't -- "honeymoon baby!" -- 8 whole weeks pregnant; the ultrasound didn't even look like a kidney bean at this point, just more like a blob). And I wouldn't feel blindsided when the girl who told me she and her dh were never having kids because of the serious mental disabilities in both their families and told me about their adoption plans posts pictures of her baby bump. I mean, good for all of them. Everybody's got a life to lead. But that clearly isn't mine, and I'd like to get the picture out of my head. 

Dh had been gung ho the past couple of months, but we've hit a really rough patch the past few weeks. Lots going on, and though it's nothing bad between us, our relationship could probably use some tlc. Ttc feels like the exact opposite of relationship tlc, so I'll probably be putting the brakes on that for the coming months. I just don't have it in me. 

This probably isn't the most appropriate place to be posting any of this. Maybe one of these days I'll hunt down a "moving past infertility" blog community. Until then, thanks for letting me vent here. 

Sending happy thoughts. 

When you wake up on 12dpo...

and your persistent symptoms urge you to the bathroom to test, and you psych yourself up like "Okay I'm gonna test!" and grab the FRER box from the cabinet only to realize... it's EMPTY.  :'D  Oh well, lol. What's a couple more days? 

10dpo, feeling surprisingly zen

I was going to use this post to lay out my symptoms and talk about how 10dpo is my least favorite dpo because it seems like it dangles false hope in front of me only to snatch it away on 11dpo. However, during my morning prayers, I was reminded to trust the journey. Trust the journey. So many things in my past happened at just the right time. Big things. Things I had wanted to happen, things I would've had happen way earlier if I'd had my way about it then. But looking back the pieces fit together perfectly, and all those things led me right here. Even allllll this time ttc, it has led me right here. And that kind of makes me smile, because I feel like the universe is watching me going, 'Ah, now you're getting it!' I think about all the things that have happened in the past 3 years, and some things would have gone very differently if I had gotten pregnant when we started out. I may not have taken the "risk" of accepting a new job (a job I really love!). And I probably wouldn't have gotten back into the studio with my yoga practice, which has been such a valuable, life-changing accomplishment (a move I only made as a counterbalance to all the time and money and energy we had spent on the IUIs, so maybe they did pay off in a way, lol). And so many other countless things. Anyway, I'm not saying the journey hasn't been hard or that I would have planned it this way, but I'm choosing to respect it and trust that it is leading me somewhere that I'm going to be so happy to be.

Sending zen vibes to all of you out there on this beautiful Thursday. :)